After I left Cana I would find myself heading towards the stream, which is not a surprise to me for it is often the water that calls to me when there is much on my mind or in some cases when emotions are at war with each other, tonight I think perhaps it was a little of all of that, eventually I would walk along the edge of the aquatic succor, it didn't matter that my boots were getting wet and in truth I was barely aware of the influx of water that would pool within the confines to wrap around my feet in a liquid embrace. My thoughts were turbulent and fluctuated like the rise and fall of the thassa along the shore. I knew that Cana would be alright, there would be plenty of people that would be checking on her and bringing her an array of foods and drinks. In fact I knew that there were would be an over abundance of support for her and caring, there was a part that niggled at me that I was a bit envious of that. But it is not something that would capture my attention for long it was fleeting, it comes and goes like love does. One moment there and then the next moment its gone.
Though I did not envy her the natural tendency of people to hover and suffocate her and treat her as if she were fragile. The intentions are good and from the heart and that is what counts. She needs to know that she is not alone and to have a reason to get up each morning. The pain that hovers and ensconces her is deep and raw, it leaves you feeling as if you stepped thru the eye of a storm and it ripped all your flesh away leaving you exposed and vulnerable. Yet, it is pain that makes us feel alive, it is a strange contradiction in the scheme of things, but works in some odd sort of way. It is a different pain, just as the loss of a brother or sister is different than the loss of a child or parent. None are easy to go thru but some are definitely worse than others and each one is felt differently. It is not something that is understood unless you have gone thru it. And at no point in our lives does it get easier to go thru it. Which is why I think I hate when people say I know how you feel. How can anyone know what you feel? When the pain and loss is unique to each person. Different in so many ways.
It is not my way to walk around people as if they will break or need to be wrapped in heavy padding. We are tuchuk and to some, even those of the tribe it may sound harsh but life goes onward it is the way of the tuchuk and the way of the plains. It is called survival, we value life and know it is too short to waste it on anything for any great length of time. That is why we of the plains do not dwell on things, life is a gift and it is to precious to us to squander it on a lengthy period of sorrow or self pity. Although the newer younger ones seem to think we should be civilized, soft, delicate and have proper etiquette and dwell in emotions. This is where I have the conflict, it is not our way, many of these things are very dweller like and I cant follow these things nor can I respect them. There is much within me that swirls in turmoil right now, things I observe and hear, but I keep them to myself. For a moment I allowed myself to feel and step out into life, but I find myself once more stepping back and watching from a distance in a way. The reasons are varied. The strongest one is fear, it slides along my skin sending shivers along the nerves beneath the flesh.
Fear, I know to many that would be a surprise, all know there is very little I actually do fear. But I have a few.
I found my usual place to sit, it is a well worn area from many steps I have taken here over the turnings, the ground holds the scent of sage, I do not even need to burn it this night. My thoughts linger to Cana for a moment once more, know she is in a great deal of pain, I have watched her lose Tayco, Lochlan and now Ba'atar. I have watched her break only to rise up again stronger. This one I know will hit her harder than any of them, it will bring her to her knees and rob her of her very breath, her heart will feel as if someone has ripped it out and trampled on it leaving it bleeding profusely. I know there is nothing I can say that will make it better or make it go away. I can only be there to help her thru it as she picks up the pieces and puts her life back together again. I know she will have good days and bad days, and while some may not understand her need to want to get up and do things, I do. To keep busy keeps the demons at bay, the emotional onslaught that devastates is blocked, and it makes you feel you are alive and needed when you have things to do. But, I think she should take it slow and not rush, to over do it will leave the body weak and right now she needs to regain her strength even if she rebels against it I know she understands this. While we may not linger on our sorrows and regrets we do however feel deeply and passionately, but we know that in order for our loved ones to be free to ride the skies we have to let them go. It is harder for us to go on than it is for those that begin a new journey.
As I sit here, I find my emotions are at the surface, some I know are not mine and yet some are, I have been for some time feeling the emotions Cana has been, simply because of my empathic ways, there are times I block it and times I can't. I do not know everything that has happened but I know how much it affected me, I was more tired than I let on, and I felt an intense wave of sorrow so deep that I could not breathe for a moment, so intense that I had to put my hand to my heart as the pain washed thru me. I did not want to feel this, I have felt this not more than a turning ago. It brought back my own sorrows that I keep buried and hidden from others. I found myself doubled over as tears fell freely and the drops hit the ground creating small dots all over it until slowly a tiny river formed creating a pathway in the dirt. I hated feeling things this deep, not because I have no emotion but because it reminded me of all I have lost and what I will never have again. The skies humor is not amusing, I did not need to feel this, yet something whispered I did, well I am sure that the sky found humor in the colorful array of words that I gave with that thought.
Cana knows that I understand what she was going thru and I did not need to speak of it for her to know I was there for her. No matter the time of day or night I would be there the instant she needed me. But I needed a few ahns to myself, to let my own emotions wash thru me and be released and to be pushed back down within me. I felt the sorrow of losing a valued friend, and I felt the pain of a friend who was in deep pain. But I also felt the acute sharp reminder that I was very much alone, no longer was there the one person I could go to and let my emotions out, no longer was there the one person who would let me vent and help me get my head around things. I still lay awake at night alone in my furs finding I hate it, but these are things I keep to myself buried and hidden. While the pain of losing Garyx is not as intense as it was for it has been well over an envar since he has died, but there are times I really find a hole in my life because he could guide me and understand me and knew how I thought and saw things. He would listen and it didn't matter if I was being foolish, emotional, logical or illogical. How I wish I had that back in my life, but I don't and I have to figure out how to navigate my way thru the chaos of life relying only on myself.
I enjoy my time with various people and I savor the things that intertwine my life with theirs, for they are treasured and valuable to me. But it is not the same as having someone by your side, walking with you, wanting to protect you, take care of you , hold your hand, or small things that make life a little bit sweeter. To share dreams with and have discussions of life and people, not just idle chit chat of how is the weather, but deep interesting intelligent conversations. I am happy for those that have found companionship and yet I am also envious. It is times like this I want to curse the sky and sometimes I do, I also curse Garyx. But once it is vented out then I continue on with my life. I have also found myself not believing in the dreams and visions as I used to, they are fickle and have no truth to them. For a moment I contemplated having hope that they were revealing something phenomenal and wonderful. But, I have let go of trying to figure out the meaning of them, I have read more into them than there was meant to be, what they spoke of is not in the cards for me. It irritates me that I cant get the stones in that wall to stay in place, they keep falling. I don't want to feel, I want to be how I was before, unfeeling, uncaring and untouchable.
I allowed myself to dwell in these emotions brought on by certain events, and then after a while I found myself returning to my usual center of calm. Letting go of everything that had been hanging around me like a heavy massive curtain. Taking a deep breath I found myself centered and grounded. Ready to continue with the work I needed to do and to take care of those that needed my help.
Though I would linger for a bit, just to listen to the water and to relax.
Though I did not envy her the natural tendency of people to hover and suffocate her and treat her as if she were fragile. The intentions are good and from the heart and that is what counts. She needs to know that she is not alone and to have a reason to get up each morning. The pain that hovers and ensconces her is deep and raw, it leaves you feeling as if you stepped thru the eye of a storm and it ripped all your flesh away leaving you exposed and vulnerable. Yet, it is pain that makes us feel alive, it is a strange contradiction in the scheme of things, but works in some odd sort of way. It is a different pain, just as the loss of a brother or sister is different than the loss of a child or parent. None are easy to go thru but some are definitely worse than others and each one is felt differently. It is not something that is understood unless you have gone thru it. And at no point in our lives does it get easier to go thru it. Which is why I think I hate when people say I know how you feel. How can anyone know what you feel? When the pain and loss is unique to each person. Different in so many ways.
It is not my way to walk around people as if they will break or need to be wrapped in heavy padding. We are tuchuk and to some, even those of the tribe it may sound harsh but life goes onward it is the way of the tuchuk and the way of the plains. It is called survival, we value life and know it is too short to waste it on anything for any great length of time. That is why we of the plains do not dwell on things, life is a gift and it is to precious to us to squander it on a lengthy period of sorrow or self pity. Although the newer younger ones seem to think we should be civilized, soft, delicate and have proper etiquette and dwell in emotions. This is where I have the conflict, it is not our way, many of these things are very dweller like and I cant follow these things nor can I respect them. There is much within me that swirls in turmoil right now, things I observe and hear, but I keep them to myself. For a moment I allowed myself to feel and step out into life, but I find myself once more stepping back and watching from a distance in a way. The reasons are varied. The strongest one is fear, it slides along my skin sending shivers along the nerves beneath the flesh.
Fear, I know to many that would be a surprise, all know there is very little I actually do fear. But I have a few.
I found my usual place to sit, it is a well worn area from many steps I have taken here over the turnings, the ground holds the scent of sage, I do not even need to burn it this night. My thoughts linger to Cana for a moment once more, know she is in a great deal of pain, I have watched her lose Tayco, Lochlan and now Ba'atar. I have watched her break only to rise up again stronger. This one I know will hit her harder than any of them, it will bring her to her knees and rob her of her very breath, her heart will feel as if someone has ripped it out and trampled on it leaving it bleeding profusely. I know there is nothing I can say that will make it better or make it go away. I can only be there to help her thru it as she picks up the pieces and puts her life back together again. I know she will have good days and bad days, and while some may not understand her need to want to get up and do things, I do. To keep busy keeps the demons at bay, the emotional onslaught that devastates is blocked, and it makes you feel you are alive and needed when you have things to do. But, I think she should take it slow and not rush, to over do it will leave the body weak and right now she needs to regain her strength even if she rebels against it I know she understands this. While we may not linger on our sorrows and regrets we do however feel deeply and passionately, but we know that in order for our loved ones to be free to ride the skies we have to let them go. It is harder for us to go on than it is for those that begin a new journey.
As I sit here, I find my emotions are at the surface, some I know are not mine and yet some are, I have been for some time feeling the emotions Cana has been, simply because of my empathic ways, there are times I block it and times I can't. I do not know everything that has happened but I know how much it affected me, I was more tired than I let on, and I felt an intense wave of sorrow so deep that I could not breathe for a moment, so intense that I had to put my hand to my heart as the pain washed thru me. I did not want to feel this, I have felt this not more than a turning ago. It brought back my own sorrows that I keep buried and hidden from others. I found myself doubled over as tears fell freely and the drops hit the ground creating small dots all over it until slowly a tiny river formed creating a pathway in the dirt. I hated feeling things this deep, not because I have no emotion but because it reminded me of all I have lost and what I will never have again. The skies humor is not amusing, I did not need to feel this, yet something whispered I did, well I am sure that the sky found humor in the colorful array of words that I gave with that thought.
Cana knows that I understand what she was going thru and I did not need to speak of it for her to know I was there for her. No matter the time of day or night I would be there the instant she needed me. But I needed a few ahns to myself, to let my own emotions wash thru me and be released and to be pushed back down within me. I felt the sorrow of losing a valued friend, and I felt the pain of a friend who was in deep pain. But I also felt the acute sharp reminder that I was very much alone, no longer was there the one person I could go to and let my emotions out, no longer was there the one person who would let me vent and help me get my head around things. I still lay awake at night alone in my furs finding I hate it, but these are things I keep to myself buried and hidden. While the pain of losing Garyx is not as intense as it was for it has been well over an envar since he has died, but there are times I really find a hole in my life because he could guide me and understand me and knew how I thought and saw things. He would listen and it didn't matter if I was being foolish, emotional, logical or illogical. How I wish I had that back in my life, but I don't and I have to figure out how to navigate my way thru the chaos of life relying only on myself.
I enjoy my time with various people and I savor the things that intertwine my life with theirs, for they are treasured and valuable to me. But it is not the same as having someone by your side, walking with you, wanting to protect you, take care of you , hold your hand, or small things that make life a little bit sweeter. To share dreams with and have discussions of life and people, not just idle chit chat of how is the weather, but deep interesting intelligent conversations. I am happy for those that have found companionship and yet I am also envious. It is times like this I want to curse the sky and sometimes I do, I also curse Garyx. But once it is vented out then I continue on with my life. I have also found myself not believing in the dreams and visions as I used to, they are fickle and have no truth to them. For a moment I contemplated having hope that they were revealing something phenomenal and wonderful. But, I have let go of trying to figure out the meaning of them, I have read more into them than there was meant to be, what they spoke of is not in the cards for me. It irritates me that I cant get the stones in that wall to stay in place, they keep falling. I don't want to feel, I want to be how I was before, unfeeling, uncaring and untouchable.
I allowed myself to dwell in these emotions brought on by certain events, and then after a while I found myself returning to my usual center of calm. Letting go of everything that had been hanging around me like a heavy massive curtain. Taking a deep breath I found myself centered and grounded. Ready to continue with the work I needed to do and to take care of those that needed my help.
Though I would linger for a bit, just to listen to the water and to relax.
