As seems to be my pattern at times, I have left these pages blank as I go about the various business of the days, which then leaves me with where to start when I have the time to sit and write. Most times I end up summarizing various events which always seems to leave things missing. Not because each thing is not important as there is much that I have experienced and shared with people that is very important to me,but it does not mean I will always write of everything, some things I think have the place of being in my mind and heart and known to those that need to know. There is a certain mystique and joy of holding certain people and events within. Almost as if protected and cherished, and yet there are some things that you want to share with others, the complexity of human nature I think.
Cana has been up and about, something I am glad to see her getting out of the wagon, being out in the fresh air and being around others, this is good for her,though it is clear she does not have her strength back yet, that will come with time. Not as fast as she would like, but it will come as long as she follows the healers instructions, it is one of those times I have to agree with the orders specified. I spend some time here and there around the fires or at the stream.
It is funny sometimes how the healer and I are left alone in various places, we have noticed it has become a bit of a joke between us, as to who has scared who off or some other tidbit that might be created at the spur of the moment. Along with the fact that it could just be the sky arranging it to happen. I have enjoyed the time shared with him, he likes to at times have interesting and intelligent discussions and I enjoy that and other times he makes me laugh. I like the ability to be serious and humorous, these are things that I find much interest. To say I have not enjoyed his company would be a lie, and to say I have not noticed various things about him would also be a lie. There seems to be an easy rapport there that I do not often get to share with people.
I think though I tread into some forbidden territory recently when I was talking to him, I had noticed something when he spoke and I asked a question of it, within an instant I felt the force of the wall I ran into, and the distance in how he answered, which was to not really answer it but it left me knowing not to go any further, almost as if there was a sign flashing keep out. It was not expected and it left me for a moment unsure of what to say or do, that is a rare thing. Usually I know what to do or say. I thought to this for a moment and wisely did not pursue that avenue of thought, though I really did want to, I wanted to know more of things that made him who he is. It had not been my intention to bring to the surface anything painful but somehow I did. I knew that by his eyes and how he spoke. There was much I noticed in that moment, However, you know it just was not my night, because again for the second time in the same night, my curiosity and questions resulted in the same effect. Damn, if that just didn't take me aback yet again. Was I crossing a line I did not know about, or was it just the fact that it was me asking the questions, many thoughts would drift thru my mind. Did I need to be careful of what I asked or did? If I reached out again would my hand get slapped again, I did not know the answers to these questions. But I did recognize those quick deflections designed to protect oneself, they are all to familiar. They are the same ones that I cant reconstruct as well as I used to be able to, but I still can to a certain degree, they just aren't as high or strong. Well, his aren't as bad as mine were, mine had sealed me off completely from feeling, knowing and caring. His I think were there because of a past hurt that surfaced. Maybe he will share the answers with me when it is not to painful. And when he feels that he can speak of them, I get the impression that he likes things on his terms in his way. Typical damn man. But then again, he would not be a Tuchuk warrior if he was less.
I spent some time with Cana, well I watched her more than anything,making sure she was alright but not in a way that would be like hovering mother vulo. I made her some special herbal brew, it wasn't tea and it wasn't broth, but it had a kick to it, now what was in it, nope I wasn't sharing, there are many things I create that have secret ingredients. Some have been handed down from generation to generation of Haruspex and others I learned while I worked as a physician. Which reminds me I need for Dina to check in on a few clinics for me that I still own in various places, she takes care of the general running of things and lets me know if there are any issues, fortunately they all run smooth, but then I would expect no less, I have a very meticulous mind and organized how they were built and set up. There are some good physicians running them, I think soon I may simply sign them over to those that work in them. It has been a very long time since I even stepped into one. I will keep only the one attached to the trade inn that we jointly own. There are many things of the past that need to be let go. That is just one.
It was later in the evening that I was stirring a pot of oil that I had been creating for days, each step had a specific time of day that things could be added, this one was one of those time consuming ones. It was strange that I still felt tired as if a part of me had just been running for days on end. Maybe it was the restless interrupted sleep, visions and dreams filter thru, I was thinking on this when Areah came by the wagons, I recall her only because she had recently gotten mated and she and her new mate requested some counseling, they seem to be having problems already and they have only been mated a few days, I know there was something they were not telling me, but I can not force it, information has to be shared willingly. I sat her down and offered her something to drink, she started to talk and cry at the same time, and while I can understand most things, there is just no way you can follow the words of a blubbering woman. And such displays irritated me, I know some women are prone to hysterics, and shed tears at the drop of a tospit, but I think because I was never that way I have no true understanding of being that emotional and over wrought. I wanted to shake her and tell her to stop, but I didn't. If I cry there is usually something deep behind it, I hate crying I endeavor not to do it,unfortunately sometimes it happens. I keep it private and away from the public only because I am very private on things that are deeply personal to me. So, I waited until she got it all out of her system and then asked her calmly just what was the crux of the matter. She turned a few shades of red and was silent for a moment or to. I tried not to smile as she told me that she was afraid to allow her new mate to make love to her, this was a surprise he was attractive, had numerous scars so I was not sure of the problem, then she finally blurted it out rather embarrassingly that it was because he was too big. It took me a moment to realize just what she meant.
Oh good skies, I tried to not crack a smile or chuckle, it was very hard to do. It is not often I hear that as a complaint from a woman, sometimes it is the other way around. It was one of those things that would require just a little help, it was clear she did not understand the anatomy of her own body or her mother did not teach her or know herself that a woman is able to accommodate a man of any size even those of considerable length or width. But anxiety can create problems, fear can create problems and lack of knowledge definitely can. Sometimes in a most painful way.
I assured her this was not a problem, a woman could accommodate a man, and there were ways to help when it was a woman's first time so I went and looked thru my various oddities and found a large jar of oil, it was a bit more thicker than the usual I created for various reasons, but yet it was light for it had been created for use between a man and a woman, it also had a bit of mint and eucalyptus in it, just enough to have the desired effect. I handed it to her with some very explicit yet simple instructions, I had to wonder why her mother did not tell her of some of these things. She relaxed some but still held anxiety, so I sat and talked with her for a long while, educating her on a few simple facts of life when it came to men and women, and of all the things they can share in the privacy of their own wagons, between two people there are no barriers and no rules. I also shared with her the amazing things that a woman's body could do and feel and of how she could also give the same to her mate. I think she was surprised in a pleasant way and it was clear she wanted to make her new mate happy and asked some interesting questions.
She left a bit more lighter in step, and I just kind of had to shake my head a bit, the requests for things lately has been somewhat strange, I begin to think that there were some full moons.. but there wasn't.
I would find myself busy but in the course of my day I would encounter a few conversations that would leave me with more questions than answers. I would find myself wanting to interfere and help guide, but that was the challenge. I could not. I would want to.
And then there would be a new upcoming wager. . .
