I have been keeping busy, I think mostly to try and work off things I feel, there are the visions that torment me and irritate me. There are the emotions of others that I feel that pull on me and drain me to a certain degree, I do not mind this for they need whatever it is they take from me. Chulun fussed at me, reminding me to eat and rest. I am very bad at those to things, I can go all day before I realize I have not eaten and I can work from before the sun rises until long after it sets. Letting exhaustion take over so that I can fall into my furs to sleep. To forget I am alone, to forget that there is only emptiness and silence within my wagons.
Each day I find myself unable to reach out and grasp those obscure heavy curtains that would obscure and hide me, they seem to have holes in them and they fall apart when I try to touch them. It leaves me open and vulnerable and sensitive and yet there is a glimpse of me. The true me that is often hidden from many.
I gave into his urgings because that old man he can be a royal pain in my arse when he wants to be and I know he wont let up until I do. So I headed to the main fires and lowered to sit, it was then that I noticed the healer sleeping at the fires. Now. That is a dangerous thing to do. To bad I didn't have any of those pink, blue, green or yellow ribbons some are so fond of. Damn that would have been so tempting, he would have looked rather cute with them in his hair. I watched him for a moment, there were so many things I wanted to know of him. He was relaxed as he slept and it dawned on me how attractive he really was, I had not realized it until just now. So, I took a feather and leaned in and drew it along his nose, I had to stifle the laugh that threatened to escape, now had anyone else been there they would have heard that same mischievous laugh when I was a young woman, the joy that was held before life touched me. He rolled over and muttered and wrinkled his nose, so I drew it along his ear and cheek. Now my little game backfired on me, he didn't wake up instead suddenly he grabbed my hand and pulled it downward until it landed right on his crotch, with some muttered words about tori starting there first. Now I knew what he was saying and well now that little tidbit would have been interesting had he not had my hand in his grasp and moving along his leathers.
That left me with the how to get out of this without waking him, damnation I got myself into a bit of a spot, that should teach me. But would it, probably not, I am sure I would do it again. Now see, when a man has your hand in place you can feel everything he has beneath his leathers, and damn did I feel it. Skies. I am not telling either,that is something that I am not telling. And just as I was trying to figure out how to get my hand free he woke up. And he had the audacity to say I was groping him, yea okay, I think he missed he was holding my hand there. This lead to a bit of bantering and of him having to readjust his leathers, and he thinks I missed that, not a chance, I told him he had enlightened me.
It was not long after that I noticed he had a bit of restlessness to him I know that look and body language, he snapped at takara even though she did what he asked. So I inquired as to what was wrong, he needed to release the energy from what little he could get out. Eventually my father neared and I suggested a spar. father looked at me oddly so I told him the healer needed an aggressive fight, he got it then when he asked if it was to release pent up energy.
So they fought, they were evenly matched, and even though my father was older he did win. Both fought well and acquitted themselves well. Yamka and Cana had joined us and I didn't really have a chance to talk a lot as I kept score for the men. Damn I didn't wager on it.. I should have.
The night had been going well but that was soon to change and in ways I would have wished otherwise. My father had an issue with Yamka, he said she lied to him, now I know how my father is about lying, he can be a real hard ass when it comes to that no matter what the reason is. I was surprised as he threw his lance to her feet and I glanced to him and wisely said nothing, the air was changing around me and it was not feeling all that great, I felt the faint twinges of tension begin to flutter on the wings of the night. The good moods were fast changing, there was a barrage of words going back and forth. My name was mentioned as having said something I had not, so I looked to Yamka as all knew I did not like my name used if I did not say it I tended to get upset, there was to much shock on her face for me to really get an understanding of the truth of this, and this discussion kept up until there was only a fixation on the kaiila. I distracted myself by talking to Ongel of trivial things, just to keep myself out of what was going on. It had nothing to do with me.
I thought it would resolve and get better, no, that was not the case, the next thing I hear is Ayguili saying my father wanted to end Cana's life, now this had my attention and I looked to my father, how could this be true, he adores Cana she is his little tabuk, he would die for her . Surely this was wrong, as I listened I got the impression my father meant that if after a certain amount of time would they give her a dignified death as befitting a tuchuk. This I understood, I knew he meant that if she did not recover would we leave her like a vegetable, but somewhere in his speaking of it, it had sounded harsh and cold and in the perception of others it was heard as he wanted to kill her. The entire night was filled with miscommunications, chaos and testerone . It was becoming to much for me, the intense emotions were bombarding me and sucking the life from me, I felt the emotions of others and I was fighting to keep from feeling them. But that ended when Ayguili stripped father of his rank. I felt that sudden jolt of anger and hurt from others rush deep into the center of my being, I had to get away from it all. I knew my father would take it as being dishonored. I knew how he would see it and I couldn't watch this. It was to much for me, my emotions are to raw for all of this.
Cana had left upset and I quickly went to follow her, I found her at her wagon and I took her in my arms and held her and let her cry, the anguish and hurt was more than I could bear. She tried to understand she sought understanding, she felt betrayed by my father, she loved him how could he want her dead, I did my best to explain what I thought he meant. But in truth I don't know just what the hell happened I only know that suddenly I feel as if I am drowning in emotions not of my own. I also feel that I have just lost someone. I hope this feeling that niggles at me is not a fore shadowing of something, but I feel it just as I live and breathe. I had not realized that I dropped the amulet and my supplies I had with it when I rose to follow Cana. To my surprise Ongel had sent his girl to find me and make sure it was returned to me. I will have to thank him for that. I also need to finish this amulet.
Eventually I would leave Cana and walk back to the main fires for a moment, Ayguili was still there and I spoke with him for a moment, he asked if Cana was alright, I told him she would be but is understandably very upset. To my surprise he asked if I was alright, No I wasn't and I said as much. Now that is a new twist I always say I am fine even when I am not. But he asked and I answered honestly. But right then I knew I could not talk, I just wasn't up to it, I asked for him to speak with me the next day when I could control my emotions and thoughts better.
And I had to tell him, that I heard he had a very nice backside, it took him a moment and then he realized that yep I had heard about his adventures at the stream. I had to chuckle, I couldn't help it. And his expression, well it was priceless.
I would leave him to return to my wagons,but sleep would elude me, there was so much I felt curled up in the fetal position in my furs, I do not know what will happen now. I just know that I feel a great deep pain that seems to be ripping my heart to shreds and leaving gashes so deep that I wonder if they can be closed.
Each day I find myself unable to reach out and grasp those obscure heavy curtains that would obscure and hide me, they seem to have holes in them and they fall apart when I try to touch them. It leaves me open and vulnerable and sensitive and yet there is a glimpse of me. The true me that is often hidden from many.
I gave into his urgings because that old man he can be a royal pain in my arse when he wants to be and I know he wont let up until I do. So I headed to the main fires and lowered to sit, it was then that I noticed the healer sleeping at the fires. Now. That is a dangerous thing to do. To bad I didn't have any of those pink, blue, green or yellow ribbons some are so fond of. Damn that would have been so tempting, he would have looked rather cute with them in his hair. I watched him for a moment, there were so many things I wanted to know of him. He was relaxed as he slept and it dawned on me how attractive he really was, I had not realized it until just now. So, I took a feather and leaned in and drew it along his nose, I had to stifle the laugh that threatened to escape, now had anyone else been there they would have heard that same mischievous laugh when I was a young woman, the joy that was held before life touched me. He rolled over and muttered and wrinkled his nose, so I drew it along his ear and cheek. Now my little game backfired on me, he didn't wake up instead suddenly he grabbed my hand and pulled it downward until it landed right on his crotch, with some muttered words about tori starting there first. Now I knew what he was saying and well now that little tidbit would have been interesting had he not had my hand in his grasp and moving along his leathers.
That left me with the how to get out of this without waking him, damnation I got myself into a bit of a spot, that should teach me. But would it, probably not, I am sure I would do it again. Now see, when a man has your hand in place you can feel everything he has beneath his leathers, and damn did I feel it. Skies. I am not telling either,that is something that I am not telling. And just as I was trying to figure out how to get my hand free he woke up. And he had the audacity to say I was groping him, yea okay, I think he missed he was holding my hand there. This lead to a bit of bantering and of him having to readjust his leathers, and he thinks I missed that, not a chance, I told him he had enlightened me.
It was not long after that I noticed he had a bit of restlessness to him I know that look and body language, he snapped at takara even though she did what he asked. So I inquired as to what was wrong, he needed to release the energy from what little he could get out. Eventually my father neared and I suggested a spar. father looked at me oddly so I told him the healer needed an aggressive fight, he got it then when he asked if it was to release pent up energy.
So they fought, they were evenly matched, and even though my father was older he did win. Both fought well and acquitted themselves well. Yamka and Cana had joined us and I didn't really have a chance to talk a lot as I kept score for the men. Damn I didn't wager on it.. I should have.
The night had been going well but that was soon to change and in ways I would have wished otherwise. My father had an issue with Yamka, he said she lied to him, now I know how my father is about lying, he can be a real hard ass when it comes to that no matter what the reason is. I was surprised as he threw his lance to her feet and I glanced to him and wisely said nothing, the air was changing around me and it was not feeling all that great, I felt the faint twinges of tension begin to flutter on the wings of the night. The good moods were fast changing, there was a barrage of words going back and forth. My name was mentioned as having said something I had not, so I looked to Yamka as all knew I did not like my name used if I did not say it I tended to get upset, there was to much shock on her face for me to really get an understanding of the truth of this, and this discussion kept up until there was only a fixation on the kaiila. I distracted myself by talking to Ongel of trivial things, just to keep myself out of what was going on. It had nothing to do with me.
I thought it would resolve and get better, no, that was not the case, the next thing I hear is Ayguili saying my father wanted to end Cana's life, now this had my attention and I looked to my father, how could this be true, he adores Cana she is his little tabuk, he would die for her . Surely this was wrong, as I listened I got the impression my father meant that if after a certain amount of time would they give her a dignified death as befitting a tuchuk. This I understood, I knew he meant that if she did not recover would we leave her like a vegetable, but somewhere in his speaking of it, it had sounded harsh and cold and in the perception of others it was heard as he wanted to kill her. The entire night was filled with miscommunications, chaos and testerone . It was becoming to much for me, the intense emotions were bombarding me and sucking the life from me, I felt the emotions of others and I was fighting to keep from feeling them. But that ended when Ayguili stripped father of his rank. I felt that sudden jolt of anger and hurt from others rush deep into the center of my being, I had to get away from it all. I knew my father would take it as being dishonored. I knew how he would see it and I couldn't watch this. It was to much for me, my emotions are to raw for all of this.
Cana had left upset and I quickly went to follow her, I found her at her wagon and I took her in my arms and held her and let her cry, the anguish and hurt was more than I could bear. She tried to understand she sought understanding, she felt betrayed by my father, she loved him how could he want her dead, I did my best to explain what I thought he meant. But in truth I don't know just what the hell happened I only know that suddenly I feel as if I am drowning in emotions not of my own. I also feel that I have just lost someone. I hope this feeling that niggles at me is not a fore shadowing of something, but I feel it just as I live and breathe. I had not realized that I dropped the amulet and my supplies I had with it when I rose to follow Cana. To my surprise Ongel had sent his girl to find me and make sure it was returned to me. I will have to thank him for that. I also need to finish this amulet.
Eventually I would leave Cana and walk back to the main fires for a moment, Ayguili was still there and I spoke with him for a moment, he asked if Cana was alright, I told him she would be but is understandably very upset. To my surprise he asked if I was alright, No I wasn't and I said as much. Now that is a new twist I always say I am fine even when I am not. But he asked and I answered honestly. But right then I knew I could not talk, I just wasn't up to it, I asked for him to speak with me the next day when I could control my emotions and thoughts better.
And I had to tell him, that I heard he had a very nice backside, it took him a moment and then he realized that yep I had heard about his adventures at the stream. I had to chuckle, I couldn't help it. And his expression, well it was priceless.
I would leave him to return to my wagons,but sleep would elude me, there was so much I felt curled up in the fetal position in my furs, I do not know what will happen now. I just know that I feel a great deep pain that seems to be ripping my heart to shreds and leaving gashes so deep that I wonder if they can be closed.
