When the sunsets over the fragrant grass of the plains and the twilight fills the night, you can see
thru the veil of the evening to see the never ending expanse of the sky and the array of shifting colors that flow thru it to illuminate the life of the Tuchuks. I was watching this display of color as I crushed various herbs by my spex wagon. My thought would momentarily drift along the winds and the clouds as if flowing along a melody of a song that was sung in my mind, it carried me over the plains and around the ancient ones and their teachings.
My thoughts were brought back to the present as I heard Ayguili 's question, "Tell me, do you think she is going to be alright? " I didn't have to ask who he spoke of, and I motioned him to join me by the fires as I spoke to him, I told him that Cana was stronger than he realized and that eventually yes she would be alright, this is something that took time. Not only is her heart broken and crying silently for what she has lost, but her body is weakened from laying in an unconscious state for as long as she did, it did not matter that we cared for her body and nourished it, there would still be a natural state of weakness from lack of use. I agreed with the healer that she should take it slow and to introduce food slowly, I knew the rationale behind this, she could not just fill an empty stomach with rich heavy foods it would be rejected you slowly work up to such, now I did not agree with keeping her in active, we have discussed this, but I rarely win, fact is he is the healer, so really I have to respect that, but it doesn't mean I can't disagree.
Though I did comment that he does act as if Cana is the only one to have lost someone, or that he was the only one to lose a brother, and yet he does not worry of them, I tend to be rather blunt and forthright in what I think and say. I love Cana as if she were of my own body and blood, but I will not treat her differently than others and she would be the first to slap me silly if I did. I also asked him if it was different than what other warriors have endured with such a loss. I do not think he expected these questions, but I was not talking to him as an Ubar, I was talking to him the man, the man that is my friend, one that I care about and I do not want to see him spiral down into the murky abyss of sorrow and loss.
I sat with him so we could talk, I listened as he spoke of how he always thought Ba'atar would always be around, when he joined me he asked if he was in trouble, I wondered of this question and I asked him why he felt this, it was just a feeling he had, so I handed him a bota of water and looked to him and asked him directly how he was really doing, and I told him not to hand me the I am fine routine or the strong , because I am the Ubar routine, I knew those paths all two well, they are well traveled paths. I wanted him to talk to me as Ayguili, not the Ubar.
As he held the bota I could see that he was struggling with how much to reveal or let go of, it is hard for men to let go of things, it is as if they feel they are weak if they shed tears or reveal emotions, I have always thought it takes a strong man to share his thoughts and emotions and when need be to shed tears of sorrow, pain or even joy or happiness. There is no weakness in these things. Now if they become slobbering bubbling fools that is different. I have worn the tears of a few that have come to me for various reasons, wether it is for counsel, guidance or whatever the reason. There is strength in a man who can be sure of himself as a man.
He then spoke, " All of my life, he has been there. Growing up, he tormented me, all of us really. But then, he would turn around , and defend each of us. I spent the first half of my life sleeping in the furs with him, and I am angry. Angry that the Sky took him." I found my hand lifting to touch his arm, encouraging him to let it all out, he had every right to feel anger and I would not take that from him and I would give him the support he needed in that moment. " Angry at him for leaving, I 'm not ready for this. My mother will not even speak to me, I feel like I have let her down by not dying in his steed." Though I did not say it or reveal it, I felt such anger at his mother that I wanted to go and shake sense into her myself. How dare she make him feel this way, she is his son. No mother should put one child above or before another and they sure as hell should never let one feel like they should have died instead, now this, this just infuriated me. She did not deserve him as a son is my thought and shame on her for these things. Yes, that mother in me was rising to the surface with all the protective ferociousness of a larl. My claws are sharp and I wanted to use them.
But, I did not. Instead, I sat quietly and listened. I had an inkling before we spoke that his mother would make him feel guilty. So I spoke to him, "But yet you feel great sorrow and emptiness." He would look away from me as he nodded and then he would answer, " I do, For myself, then also for all of us. We lost someone important, something important. Not only in him, but in the ones that died with him. I hope it is worth it all. I hope all of this sorrow, anger and emptiness is worth it. " I had to think on this before I would speak.
"Every loss of a warrior, woman or child is greatly felt, when the heartbeats stop something is taken from us, I will not lie and say it goes away, it doesn't, we can only learn how to live with the loss and in time it is somewhat tempered to not be as sharp and acute." I would state to him as gently as I could hoping that it would help to ease what he was feeling, I was not going to give him superficial platitudes that some will, I know they do not work, nor would I say I understood, because while I did to a point, I did not because I am not him, so how could I know what he feels. I can only be here for him and offer him what I can to help him thru it. "If I could take away your pain I would, but it is that pain, anger and sorrow that keeps you alive." I would add.
I was not expecting his next words as he sat there thinking for a few moments, " We did not treat you well when Garyx died, For that, I am sorry ." There was much I wanted to say, I have not forgotten how the tribe acted after his death, nor have I forgotten those who turned their backs and never even inquired if I needed anything, I think that is partly why I bristle slightly as I watch how Cana is treated, yes I could be really bitchy about all of it, but I do not. I am not Cana and she is not me, I am not Ayguili and he is not me.
I would wait a few ehn before I spoke and when I did I simply squeezed his hand, I explained to him that everyone seems to think I am so strong and do not break, so it was a given how he and others were. However, Cana she is seen differently, and even with all this I love her no less, it is how life is, but she is stronger than they realize, she needs to be able to breathe and to do things. This is what will help her to heal, and I told him he can best help her by being there when she needed him to be, but to not suffocate her or treat her as if she is a paper doll that will crumble and turn to nothing. And I reminded him to never ever let anyone guilt him for living, that he was just as important as Ba'atar was, and that he was more than he had yet to learn or even his family. Ba'atar loved him and I felt he was proud of the man he had become.
We spoke a bit more on how he felt of his brother and of himself, I would gently guide him and reassure him of some things, simply because it was what I had seen in Ba'atar and of Ayguili, I do not sugar coat things. I knew that he made him second in command because he felt he could do it, it was something that I had spoken of with Ba'atar before he did it because he asked for my opinion.
It was after this discussion that I would stand and walk around him and wrap him in a hug, it was the hug of a mother and a friend, to let him know that he was not alone, that he was important and to comfort him, I told him there was no shame in emotions or tears. And that emotions and feelings are confusing no matter how old or how young we are.
He spoke of promises made that he was not sure he could keep, so I naturally asked and sat next to him once more and listened closely. I would offer a different perspective and guidance on these things and of how in truth he was keeping them, sometimes it takes a different eye to reveal things. He spoke of his love for Mezoo and of situations that are in effect that could affect this. I felt his emotions as he spoke of how he wants her to share his life and of his fear he screwed it up. We spoke of the things and people that may influence this. He spoke of his concerns of others and what he did and why. I understood the rationale and I gave my input and thoughts along with a few suggestions. I am not sure he will take them but I hope that he will at least turn them over in his mind and see what I meant, there comes a time in life when mothers have to let go of their children to let them grow and fall, to make decisions that may or may not bring them sorrow, pain, joy and happiness. We have to let them fall, we have to let them fly. We can only be there to lend a hand when needed and to pick up the pieces when all falls apart. And so must an Ubar learn this as well. I think he understood. I can agree with the thoughts he shared with me and I would want to do the same thing he has wanted to do, but I also know that we can not protect people from themselves and we may not understand why they cannot see what it is we are trying to convey, for it is not always as assumed. I tried to give him some insights to chew upon as he decided what he wanted to do, there are some things people like to think they have knowledge of but they do not for they have nothing to base it on, no experience and no strong foundation of reference. I gave my observations of many things over the past turning that I have noticed, I was glad to see that he had also noticed these things. It sort of gave me confirmation that I was not bonkers.
The meat of my talk with him I will not write down, it will stay in my head because it was spoken in a confidential manner and I will never break the confidences of those I speak to. And somehow when you write things down on paper they managed to be seen by others no matter how well you hide your journal from prying eyes, so I have learned to keep many things from these pages so they do not bleed into the minds of others. I protect people in man ways, I support them in many ways, even when they do not know it
Though I do not think I have seen Ayguili blush before as we spoke of how women behave and act , and his bluntness brought the sudden warmth to his face, he apologized but he had no reason to, I was not offended, but he felt I deserved more respect than his words gave, I grew up with outriders as play mates so I am used to it, but I accepted it for what it meant to him and to me. Though I did agree with his sentiments.
He did ask me a question that I really could not answer, but I shared what I could and it made me laugh wondering if we could send people there, now that is a thought. To bad we can't. I know a few I would love to have lessons learned.
Somehow we got on the topic of me and men, now I am fully aware of not being the type that many line up to try and capture, nor am I sleen in heat around men, which seems to attract them. I figure I am worth a little bit of work to have. Warriors usually look at me for two reasons, as a friend or as a spex. His reply was "boskchyt." Well I had to laugh because if he thought that then he never really watched things around him. I told him I thought I scared them, and he actually thought I tried to, I had to look at him oddly for a moment, and tell him if he really thought that then he truly did not know me, I do not intentionally try to scare anyone, well, maybe here and there a slave or two. I admitted that most people I kept at a distance I knew all to well the hard price of friends that betray you and of the betrayal of men who claimed to love you. I knew by his expression that he knew there was much to my statement and indeed there was. But I was not yet ready to speak of those things.
It was about that time Ongel joined us he had been looking for Ayguili as he seemed to need to speak to him, I would sit with them for a few moments as they spoke of how Cana was doing I had to chuckle as he spoke of having to see a red head slave with a question, I knew that meant. Men are men after all. Now Ongel spoke of how women thought with emotion, well now this is true we do, but we do have logic as well. Not all of us lose it even with emotions. Although I wasn't going to tell him that there are times I do lose my logic but it has to be with very intense and deep emotions that bring me to my knees.
We spoke of many things for a while, when Ongel asked if I would go and see if Cana was at her wagons and to keep her there, as he wished to talk to Ayguili.
Now, I had no problem doing that and as I rose I told him he was creating quite a tab to which Ayguili mentioned he would make him pay up, I had to laugh, I had no doubt the healer could keep up with his tab. I would touch Ayguili's shoulder and remind him I was there any time he needed me and to live and be proud.
I would smile a bit as he touched my hand thanking me for letting him unload and get things off of his chest.
So off I went to check on Cana . .
thru the veil of the evening to see the never ending expanse of the sky and the array of shifting colors that flow thru it to illuminate the life of the Tuchuks. I was watching this display of color as I crushed various herbs by my spex wagon. My thought would momentarily drift along the winds and the clouds as if flowing along a melody of a song that was sung in my mind, it carried me over the plains and around the ancient ones and their teachings.
My thoughts were brought back to the present as I heard Ayguili 's question, "Tell me, do you think she is going to be alright? " I didn't have to ask who he spoke of, and I motioned him to join me by the fires as I spoke to him, I told him that Cana was stronger than he realized and that eventually yes she would be alright, this is something that took time. Not only is her heart broken and crying silently for what she has lost, but her body is weakened from laying in an unconscious state for as long as she did, it did not matter that we cared for her body and nourished it, there would still be a natural state of weakness from lack of use. I agreed with the healer that she should take it slow and to introduce food slowly, I knew the rationale behind this, she could not just fill an empty stomach with rich heavy foods it would be rejected you slowly work up to such, now I did not agree with keeping her in active, we have discussed this, but I rarely win, fact is he is the healer, so really I have to respect that, but it doesn't mean I can't disagree.
Though I did comment that he does act as if Cana is the only one to have lost someone, or that he was the only one to lose a brother, and yet he does not worry of them, I tend to be rather blunt and forthright in what I think and say. I love Cana as if she were of my own body and blood, but I will not treat her differently than others and she would be the first to slap me silly if I did. I also asked him if it was different than what other warriors have endured with such a loss. I do not think he expected these questions, but I was not talking to him as an Ubar, I was talking to him the man, the man that is my friend, one that I care about and I do not want to see him spiral down into the murky abyss of sorrow and loss.
I sat with him so we could talk, I listened as he spoke of how he always thought Ba'atar would always be around, when he joined me he asked if he was in trouble, I wondered of this question and I asked him why he felt this, it was just a feeling he had, so I handed him a bota of water and looked to him and asked him directly how he was really doing, and I told him not to hand me the I am fine routine or the strong , because I am the Ubar routine, I knew those paths all two well, they are well traveled paths. I wanted him to talk to me as Ayguili, not the Ubar.
As he held the bota I could see that he was struggling with how much to reveal or let go of, it is hard for men to let go of things, it is as if they feel they are weak if they shed tears or reveal emotions, I have always thought it takes a strong man to share his thoughts and emotions and when need be to shed tears of sorrow, pain or even joy or happiness. There is no weakness in these things. Now if they become slobbering bubbling fools that is different. I have worn the tears of a few that have come to me for various reasons, wether it is for counsel, guidance or whatever the reason. There is strength in a man who can be sure of himself as a man.
He then spoke, " All of my life, he has been there. Growing up, he tormented me, all of us really. But then, he would turn around , and defend each of us. I spent the first half of my life sleeping in the furs with him, and I am angry. Angry that the Sky took him." I found my hand lifting to touch his arm, encouraging him to let it all out, he had every right to feel anger and I would not take that from him and I would give him the support he needed in that moment. " Angry at him for leaving, I 'm not ready for this. My mother will not even speak to me, I feel like I have let her down by not dying in his steed." Though I did not say it or reveal it, I felt such anger at his mother that I wanted to go and shake sense into her myself. How dare she make him feel this way, she is his son. No mother should put one child above or before another and they sure as hell should never let one feel like they should have died instead, now this, this just infuriated me. She did not deserve him as a son is my thought and shame on her for these things. Yes, that mother in me was rising to the surface with all the protective ferociousness of a larl. My claws are sharp and I wanted to use them.
But, I did not. Instead, I sat quietly and listened. I had an inkling before we spoke that his mother would make him feel guilty. So I spoke to him, "But yet you feel great sorrow and emptiness." He would look away from me as he nodded and then he would answer, " I do, For myself, then also for all of us. We lost someone important, something important. Not only in him, but in the ones that died with him. I hope it is worth it all. I hope all of this sorrow, anger and emptiness is worth it. " I had to think on this before I would speak.
"Every loss of a warrior, woman or child is greatly felt, when the heartbeats stop something is taken from us, I will not lie and say it goes away, it doesn't, we can only learn how to live with the loss and in time it is somewhat tempered to not be as sharp and acute." I would state to him as gently as I could hoping that it would help to ease what he was feeling, I was not going to give him superficial platitudes that some will, I know they do not work, nor would I say I understood, because while I did to a point, I did not because I am not him, so how could I know what he feels. I can only be here for him and offer him what I can to help him thru it. "If I could take away your pain I would, but it is that pain, anger and sorrow that keeps you alive." I would add.
I was not expecting his next words as he sat there thinking for a few moments, " We did not treat you well when Garyx died, For that, I am sorry ." There was much I wanted to say, I have not forgotten how the tribe acted after his death, nor have I forgotten those who turned their backs and never even inquired if I needed anything, I think that is partly why I bristle slightly as I watch how Cana is treated, yes I could be really bitchy about all of it, but I do not. I am not Cana and she is not me, I am not Ayguili and he is not me.
I would wait a few ehn before I spoke and when I did I simply squeezed his hand, I explained to him that everyone seems to think I am so strong and do not break, so it was a given how he and others were. However, Cana she is seen differently, and even with all this I love her no less, it is how life is, but she is stronger than they realize, she needs to be able to breathe and to do things. This is what will help her to heal, and I told him he can best help her by being there when she needed him to be, but to not suffocate her or treat her as if she is a paper doll that will crumble and turn to nothing. And I reminded him to never ever let anyone guilt him for living, that he was just as important as Ba'atar was, and that he was more than he had yet to learn or even his family. Ba'atar loved him and I felt he was proud of the man he had become.
We spoke a bit more on how he felt of his brother and of himself, I would gently guide him and reassure him of some things, simply because it was what I had seen in Ba'atar and of Ayguili, I do not sugar coat things. I knew that he made him second in command because he felt he could do it, it was something that I had spoken of with Ba'atar before he did it because he asked for my opinion.
It was after this discussion that I would stand and walk around him and wrap him in a hug, it was the hug of a mother and a friend, to let him know that he was not alone, that he was important and to comfort him, I told him there was no shame in emotions or tears. And that emotions and feelings are confusing no matter how old or how young we are.
He spoke of promises made that he was not sure he could keep, so I naturally asked and sat next to him once more and listened closely. I would offer a different perspective and guidance on these things and of how in truth he was keeping them, sometimes it takes a different eye to reveal things. He spoke of his love for Mezoo and of situations that are in effect that could affect this. I felt his emotions as he spoke of how he wants her to share his life and of his fear he screwed it up. We spoke of the things and people that may influence this. He spoke of his concerns of others and what he did and why. I understood the rationale and I gave my input and thoughts along with a few suggestions. I am not sure he will take them but I hope that he will at least turn them over in his mind and see what I meant, there comes a time in life when mothers have to let go of their children to let them grow and fall, to make decisions that may or may not bring them sorrow, pain, joy and happiness. We have to let them fall, we have to let them fly. We can only be there to lend a hand when needed and to pick up the pieces when all falls apart. And so must an Ubar learn this as well. I think he understood. I can agree with the thoughts he shared with me and I would want to do the same thing he has wanted to do, but I also know that we can not protect people from themselves and we may not understand why they cannot see what it is we are trying to convey, for it is not always as assumed. I tried to give him some insights to chew upon as he decided what he wanted to do, there are some things people like to think they have knowledge of but they do not for they have nothing to base it on, no experience and no strong foundation of reference. I gave my observations of many things over the past turning that I have noticed, I was glad to see that he had also noticed these things. It sort of gave me confirmation that I was not bonkers.
The meat of my talk with him I will not write down, it will stay in my head because it was spoken in a confidential manner and I will never break the confidences of those I speak to. And somehow when you write things down on paper they managed to be seen by others no matter how well you hide your journal from prying eyes, so I have learned to keep many things from these pages so they do not bleed into the minds of others. I protect people in man ways, I support them in many ways, even when they do not know it
Though I do not think I have seen Ayguili blush before as we spoke of how women behave and act , and his bluntness brought the sudden warmth to his face, he apologized but he had no reason to, I was not offended, but he felt I deserved more respect than his words gave, I grew up with outriders as play mates so I am used to it, but I accepted it for what it meant to him and to me. Though I did agree with his sentiments.
He did ask me a question that I really could not answer, but I shared what I could and it made me laugh wondering if we could send people there, now that is a thought. To bad we can't. I know a few I would love to have lessons learned.
Somehow we got on the topic of me and men, now I am fully aware of not being the type that many line up to try and capture, nor am I sleen in heat around men, which seems to attract them. I figure I am worth a little bit of work to have. Warriors usually look at me for two reasons, as a friend or as a spex. His reply was "boskchyt." Well I had to laugh because if he thought that then he never really watched things around him. I told him I thought I scared them, and he actually thought I tried to, I had to look at him oddly for a moment, and tell him if he really thought that then he truly did not know me, I do not intentionally try to scare anyone, well, maybe here and there a slave or two. I admitted that most people I kept at a distance I knew all to well the hard price of friends that betray you and of the betrayal of men who claimed to love you. I knew by his expression that he knew there was much to my statement and indeed there was. But I was not yet ready to speak of those things.
It was about that time Ongel joined us he had been looking for Ayguili as he seemed to need to speak to him, I would sit with them for a few moments as they spoke of how Cana was doing I had to chuckle as he spoke of having to see a red head slave with a question, I knew that meant. Men are men after all. Now Ongel spoke of how women thought with emotion, well now this is true we do, but we do have logic as well. Not all of us lose it even with emotions. Although I wasn't going to tell him that there are times I do lose my logic but it has to be with very intense and deep emotions that bring me to my knees.
We spoke of many things for a while, when Ongel asked if I would go and see if Cana was at her wagons and to keep her there, as he wished to talk to Ayguili.
Now, I had no problem doing that and as I rose I told him he was creating quite a tab to which Ayguili mentioned he would make him pay up, I had to laugh, I had no doubt the healer could keep up with his tab. I would touch Ayguili's shoulder and remind him I was there any time he needed me and to live and be proud.
I would smile a bit as he touched my hand thanking me for letting him unload and get things off of his chest.
So off I went to check on Cana . .
