How could it all go so wrong. . .

Darkness falls over the circle of my wagons as I sit here in the quiet of them. I placed the small herlit on the platform of the Haruspex wagon, protecting him because he was not the subject of my anger at the moment, and as I walked to one of the other wagons, I kicked the wheel expressing a few colorful curses as I did. I threw a few pots and pans at another one and a few blades. I was pissed.. I was hurt.. and I was disappointed. A few slaves near by scattered, some had been close to my wagon given I haven't been tormenting or killing them ,but right now that could change, I could easily skin one and leave them writhing in agony with little thought. And they were afraid of that. Yet one or two lingered in case I needed anything. What I needed was a very big stick.. or borrow Cana's spoon.

"That is what I get for even contemplating anything, that is what I get for even trying to open up" I was ticked at Ongel, how could he think I would reveal something so personal in front of others. " That is what I get for even thinking to trust. Now I remember why I do not speak of anything to anyone."
Why would he want me to speak of such things and then call me a teaser and compare me to other free women. That caused another array of utensils and curses to rent the air. "I'm not a tease, I don't play that came, is he that blind he couldn't see that the nature of the discussion wasn't one to have like that.? " I felt myself rant a bit more, " And to say just like a free woman, what does that mean, his words hurt, more than I care to admit. Damn bosk ass."

Finally, I would sit down and just rest my head on my knees. The night had started out so nice and fun, well if he wanted to keep me at a distance he just did it, I will be careful of what I say from now on. I am a very deeply private person, I sure as hell don't want others to know what I might like on a sexual level. I am not some slut he can just disrespect in such a way.. "Damn how in the hell was I so wrong" I had thought him better than that, I thought him different, but I guess not, but it is clear it did not matter how I was feeling or why I felt it and I felt as if it was all about what he wanted.

I was enjoying the banter and the teasing, he had brought a basket with an array of food and some juice, it was a drink I have not had before, it had a unique taste to it. The conversation was interesting and had depth to it, something I enjoy. Though he is as good as I am with the evasive maneuvers on some things. He also brought me the herlit feathers and he in truth did more than just that, he had found a baby herlit and took care of it and brought it to me. Now this, this meant much to me. To me the sky guided him and helped him that was a good omen. He asked various questions of my past mates and children I answered the questions careful to not go into the detail of some things, partly because it was in the past a long ago past and partly because it had no bearing on what he was asking. He has intelligence and seems to enjoy these types of discussions. We spoke of how I thought a woman protected things. I thought maybe he felt what seemed to flow easy between us, the ability to relax and be ourselves and speak of anything and everything.

Now there was the measuring we needed to do for the wager, well, I have to admit I took advantage of that, of course I did what woman would not, my fingers brushed along his skin as I brought the string around him, I knew it affected him I could tell by his breathing and his words. Then he measured me, and lightening would strike me down if I said I did not feel something as his fingers drew across my skin as he brought the string around me and knotted it. This lead to an exchange of words, well, lets face it I am not good at flirting I am only me, so I spoke what was in my head, he was put together very well and he also still smelled good, granted not original or even flirtatiously witty as some are, but it was the truth. And well that is what makes me,. . me.

Somewhere along the way got onto the topic of touch and fear, I do not fear passion or a mans touch, I am no frigid cold bitch either afraid to show and enjoy my pleasures with a man I am mated to, that does not mean I would fur a man not my mate, that is not me though more than a few have done this and think it is not known. Some would say this would make me a slave, it doesn't, it merely makes me a woman. In this discussion he spoke of some things to fear with touch, I wanted to know what. What could inspire fear from a touch between two people, I caught the phrase of hurt when he spoke of his first mate. Well, this is where I have some of my own thoughts, pain and pleasure are often partnered or separate cause one or the other, there is pleasure so intense that it is painful. There is also the stimulation of pain that excites and adds to pleasure. He said it was not something he could speak of but could only show, well damn, that sort of sucked I really wanted to know more. I am naturally curious I cant help it, it is how I am. This is where everything went down hill.

Others joined us at the fire, now, I have been better at sharing myself and letting parts of me seen, but there are some personal private things no I wont. And his question of spanking, I would have answered it in a different way had others not been present, it does not mean I am ashamed as he insinuated, it just means that it isn't something I want everyone to know. Why would I want Tasco to know these things, or Yamka, Fonce and others, oh hell no, I do not. Nothing against them but it just isn't something you share. That is personal, private, I am not some slut that bandies about her needs, wants and such.. And he had the audacity to call me a teaser like a free woman. That hurt. And that showed me that he did not respect that I did not want everyone and their damn brother to know these things. It isn't something they need to know.

"Fuck." I muttered as I sat down, it was the only word that fit. I felt myself sigh, it was going to be a long night I cant sleep when upset.

And he just kept pushing me into a corner, I don't like being pushed into a corner, normally I would come out with my claws out and go for the jugular. Instead, I just got up and left. Not that it mattered, he had his sport at my expense. I was foolish and stupid to think I could open up to people. I was stupid and foolish to think that there was an attraction that might lead to something more. Simply put. I am just a damn old fool. And yet I find him in my thoughts outside of what I was currently feeling. "Damn arrogant, stubborn bosk ass."

Kicking and throwing things isn't enough, it isn't working I really want to slap him silly and take his sweets he is so fond of and smash it in his face and shove it up his arse so far he will see it coming out. I took Eclipse and packed a few things and decided to go for a ride. Nudging him I would ride him as fast and as hard as I could. I did not care how far I went or where I ended up , I just needed to do something, so I don't hurt anyone. I felt the wind pluck tendrils of hair from the braid, eventually I would slow down and sit watching the plains,the moons bathed it in a silvery light illuminating it and creating a diaphanous shroud of mystery over it. I wiped the tears from my eyes still muttering under my breath.

As a voice in my head tugged and pushed, asking why did it upset me. I had no answer. I just felt sort of lost, it was better to remain silent and hidden behind those walls, I know how to navigate those waters.

I find myself a bit confused..

A sense of loss

I have found myself keeping busy, perhaps busier than I should, I need to keep my hands and mind busy, if I stop I might think and feel and right now I do not want to. If I do I feel my heart will break and shatter and I don't know if I can pick up those pieces, I don't even know if I can bear the loss again. It feels as if there is a heavy, sharp blade swinging over my head, looming until it is ready to take its fatal deadly swipe.

What has me all tightly twisted and unsettled. My father.

I have had many tumultuous thoughts and feelings when it comes to my father. We have had to learn to be father a daughter twice in my life. And now I can not feel him and I have not seen him, it is as if he has cut himself off from everyone and everything . I am not sure what to think of it, I see his wagons still there and his bosk but yet I do not see any sign of him or Chay. And I have gone by there several times hoping to catch him but it has been met with only emptiness.

I find myself on the verge of an emotional outburst that would allow a torrent of tears to flow but I fight it, I hold it back with an iron will, but I feel it churning and turning, seeking an outlet, so I do what I do best.

Work.

What is he doing and thinking. Will I see him again?

When I was seventeen and he sent me away with that ost Mirrah, I thought I had lost him forever, I even spoke of how I hated him, truly painful words for a parent to hear. But at that moment in time I felt it, he was forcing me from the plains and from the only family I had, him and my siblings. He changed my name and forced me to leave, it was like he reached in and ripped my heart out of my body and left only a wide gaping hole that bled profusely and caused such pain that it physically hurt. At that time I did not understand, this was a warrior that was my father, he raised me and taught me things, some things I am sure I am not even supposed to know or be able to do, but that is part of what makes me different, when you are raised by a man and have no mother you do not develop some of the cutesy ideals and feminine ways. I never learned the cutesy ideals or the word games or the games of manipulation that many women did, I call it as I see it and feel it, and I speak rather blunt and yes, even harsh, I know I can have an edge to me, but it is not all of me, there is much depth to me if anyone took the time to really look and see, I did however eventually learn many turnings later to be feminine. They even managed on an occasion to get me into a sari, a bit revealing, for it makes you look very delicate, not something I like. Father was not the type that you failed with, or said you could not do something, you did your best and you kept trying until you got it, he was harsh, hard but fair.

For many turnings I lived in many places and experienced many things, never knowing where he was I only knew he was alive, even when others said he wasn't, that he had died, I knew better, I felt he was alive, just as Dina did. We always searched for him and while we never felt him we never gave up. That was the first time I lost him, and then when he found me right after my relationship with Brutus was over, I had to learn how to deal with a man who felt he had the right to tell me what to do, now for a very long time I answered to no one but myself or who I happened to be mated to. So it was a struggle for me to suddenly have a father to deal with and it took a lot of work on both our parts but we managed to get back to that.

Until . . .

Until the day I ended up in a collar by one that had once claimed to love me, that was far more painful than the first loss, how do you explain how it feels to have your father look at you and tell you that he has no daughter, to see that pain and disappointment in his eyes. I knew he wanted to kill me and the only thing that stayed his hand after a while was that it was clear I did not have a slaves heart and truly I sucked at it because my heart was not in it, for it was not my path. It was not who or what I was. Though he came close several times to slitting my throat I can still feel that cold sharp blade at my throat, I did not beg him to spare me, in fact a part of me wanted him to kill me. But others interfered and my life was not taken. It took a few to keep Chay from killing me. I also lost my children and everything I was. A new name was given me one I will not repeat but I hate the term because of my association to it. And the brand, oh he had a way to remove that, it is a pain that I can honestly say makes childbirth feel like nothing. I still think he enjoyed inflicting it, just because of why it was there, fortunately there is no sign of that brand.

It took a long time after I was finally released and sent from the Island before my father and I were able to once more reconnect and establish a bond that has always been binding and tight when there. But now I do not feel it as strong it seems to be wavering and disappearing, fading in and out, like the waves of the thassa ebb and flow along the shores.

The pain that flows thru me is not something I can put words to. I want to crumble and break down, but I cannot, I want to throw things and hit things, but I don't. Instead I lose myself in my work for a few days to try and work thru it. Though it has not been successful. In the silence of my wagons I break and my furs are wet with the tears I shed,sometimes my body aches from the tension that I hold thru the night, the tension that keeps me from rushing out of my wagon in hysterics. Though wouldn't that be an image, I do not think I have ever indulged in hysteria.

It is my hope that whatever he is going thru he will work thru it and I will once more see him about, but I have this nagging feeling that it is going to take a while before that happens and yet another part of me feels it may not happen.

In the meantime.. I am simply left once more alone.

I hate being lonely.. I hate being alone..

Have I done something that the skies for the past two turnings have taken almost everything from me. ?

Does blood matter?

There was a lull in my day and I thought to take a moment and ride out to gather a few plants that only flourished for short periods of time in certain places. Given the heat I did not ride with my usual flair for speed that allowed me to feel the winds around me gliding over me with their invisible fingers. Instead Mist Runner moved with a slow easy rhythm,I did not need to give any verbal commands he knew my every subtle nuance and movement and what it would mean. When we reached the destination it was odd that the plants were withered and dying, there was no life within them. This was yet another thing that revealed that the plains were screaming out in pain, what were we to be listening to, or was it just one of those fluke seasonal episodes in extreme temperature and weather that was draped about us. There were no answers, and in truth I did not expect any. Well maybe I expected to hear that familiar voice in my head that taunts me, but it was silent.

There was one less heartbeat on the plains but I did not speak of it, I would wait to be there for the two that would be needing me. My heart was filled with sorrow of yet another loss, knowing things can be a real kick in the ass, when the two learn of what they need to know, I will be here.

My thoughts were interrupted as I heard someone nearing I turned and saw Hallie and my youngest son riding towards me, Hallie had one of those looks which usually meant something was on her mind, and the youngest son had this look as if to say he knew and she didn't. I was not sure I was in the frame of mind to deal with anything complicated, today there had been many seeking answers and they laid their concerns and worries at my feet, I never refuse anyone help it isn't my nature, I will always listen,it is not my way to deny anyone something they needed. Sometimes the results are very intense and I feel as if I have been whipped or been caught in a tornado which left me twisted and turned around. With both the joy and the sorrows.

So I waited. With a teenager.. That is rather dangerous.

They came along side me and Hallie gave me one of those looks, yes, here it came and I tried to prepare myself, for all the possibilities, some warrior got a hold of her and hurt her feelings, or she didn't do something she felt was right within the clan, a fight with a friend, a crush gone wrong, or she had the wrong color skirt or vest or the boots just weren't right. All these things that seem to be on the mind of young ones flashed in a string of thought. But, no, it was not any of those. And her question I had not expected nor have I thought of it since Falon and Lochlan once asked me of their mixed blood if it made them less Tuchuk because they were half mamba.

"Mother," well, now there was my first clue.. the formal use of mother.

" Does it matter if a person has Tuchuk blood in them to be considered one of us. And would there be shame in a woman being with a warrior that has no Tuchuk blood or only a little." Now I had to look at her wondering why she asked this.
"Hallena, are you considering mating someone that I should be aware of?" I would ask her. She had the good grace to blush as innocents are prone to doing, and got flustered before she finally got out that long drawn out "Nooooooooooooooo! "

"I was asking because I was listening to two women argue over it, one seemed to think it is all or nothing and the other said it does not matter it never has."

I thought to this, some women argue over the stupidest of things was my thought, there were more important things in life, but I suspected the reasoning behind her question and I also suspected no one spoke of such, but knowing how teen agers are they never want to really come right out and say why they want to know something , or even what it is specifically they want to know, they always, always have to go the long way around things.

"No, Hallie, it does not matter." I would answer her. " If a person has a drop of blood he is considered to be of Tuchuk blood, but does this make him a Tuchuk of our tribe? Not at all. If a person has no Tuchuk blood then he may be whatever his blood is, however, could he be a Tuchuk? Very much so." She watched me closely as I spoke to her, and I really wondered just what was going thru her head. Girls, are worse than boys, and anyone who says different never had girls.

" Being a Tuchuk is not always about your blood, it is about who you are, what you are and how you live that defines this. We have over thousands of turnings had those from other places come here and live among us and become a part of us as if they had been born here, they become Tuchuk, they earn that honor and privilege. Then there are those who are of Tuchuk blood that seek to live in cities and adopt their ways, they are not Tuchuk. It is rather simple if you look at it beyond I am this or I am that as so many like to do, or you are nothing because you are only this or that. It is these thoughts that create rifts and ravines where there should be none. It is a persons heart, soul and spirit. That make him Tuchuk."

She would ask of her father Shi, "Your father has no memory of who he was before he was brought to the plains, he was from else where but he is still very much a Tuchuk warrior, just as Garyx was, and he was not born of the plains and he had no Tuchuk blood in him, yet he was a part of us as if he had been born and raised among us, he shed blood and stood by tribe, and he died for this tribe, just as your uncle Lochlan did, many people forget that my father is part turian. We have had people from various tribes embraced and brought into the tribe. I do not think I have ever been mated to a warrior that was as some like to call themselves a pure blood, There is no such thing, because the blood of the plains has been mixed for thousands of turnings. So anyone to say they are pure is clearly not knowing of our history." I could see her mind working and turning.

"Would you mate someone who was not a full blood?" I had to blink at that, come on now, me of all people. I smiled a bit, "Hallie, what kind of question is that when most know that I have been mated to a rarius from treve, to full blooded mamba from the schendi jungles, to an assassin that was half mamba and half Tuchuk, to a karian pirate, and then to two tuchuks of this tribe neither of which are what you call a full blood.. These are things that have no importance and whatever it is that has you asking these questions, I would tell you this, it is what is inside that matters. "

"Nothing else."

I placed my hand to my chest, "it is the heart, the soul and the spirit."

I saw the youngest son smile he understood but then he was like me in some ways and yet more like his father in others. "Do you think you will ever remate and have more children."


Now this was getting tricky, children can be funny at times when it comes to their parents. I shrugged a bit in truth I did not know the answer, it was something that always just seemed to happen without me realizing it until someone asked. Most seem to think I am to much of a challenge or something that they do not bother, or I am not considered delicate enough or , clingy or needy to the point that I have to be carried and coddled, or look at a warrior with such awe that it puts them high into the clouds, I relate to a man as just that a man, to talk to not at, to share things with not hide, and so many other things, but, her question gave me pause as it was not something that has been the focus of my attention.

"Perhaps someday the skies will gift me with a warrior that would like to share his life with me and mine with him and to savor and enjoy the blessings of children. Yes, Hallie, one day I would like such to occur."

Now this seemed to amuse her, why do I have a feeling just by the look she gave her brother that somewhere in the greater scheme of things there was a wager. The question is what and who won it. In truth did I really want to know.

She hugged me and raced her brother towards the kaiila pens she was going to help Cana with something, Hallie has become a mother vulo, but I was secretly pleased I knew she would watch Cana and let me know if anything was out of place or she was doing to much, that is the one time you appreciate the beauty of children and their mouths.

Now Cana gets to deal with her. Which brought a smile to my lips, you know there is something to said for second mothers. At least that is what I call her and that is how Hallie sees her.

Why in the name of skies did she give me things to think of. Now the thought is lingering in my head. I will have to go find a way to redirect my thoughts for they are intertwining with images and bits from visions. Why does it feel as if the sky is trying to make me crazy.

Crackles in the air

It was late when I returned to my wagons, actually later than I usually am, I spent a lot of my time preparing things within the clan for various rituals and readings, along with the numerous other things we do. I have been observing some of the younger ones as they go thru their lessons, seeing where the strength is and the weakness and we all have them no matter how far along we progress, it is a natural balance to have such in all things and in all aspects of our lives. I also spent time with some of the elders of the clan, the ones that are older than me by a great deal of envars, perhaps to some they might be called the ancient ones. But to me they were the few I could go to and talk to and learn more from. They hold a wisdom and strength that I could aspire to one day having. And they help me to tap into things that I have yet to learn or even refine what I do know. I always enjoy the time with them.

We spoke of what I have been seeing, there seems to be within the clan similar things happening, earlier in the night when I spoke to Fonce he mentioned he had also felt it. But I really did not get a chance to speak to him further on it. I have the impression something definitely is going to happen and soon, and it is not going to be something that is nice and sweet, it feels like an avenging shadow lowering and igniting the plains, the screams still echo in my head. I think I will speak with the healers, they need to ensure they are prepared for what I cannot tell them because I do not know, it is just a feeling, and my feelings usually prove to rarely be off the mark. While I was with them I asked questions of the past, their past, I needed to find out about the dark one that hovers and lingers. I needed to talk to someone about her and of the plans I have to find her and kill her, I still vacillate between going alone and let the chips fall where they may so to speak, or to gather those I need to help. Though I lean to going alone, I am not one to put anyone knowingly in danger. There is time yet, I do not feel the push to rush although personally I would love to.

Though my thoughts were interrupted as one the old ones hand connected to my head. Damn if that did not hurt, I looked at her as if to say what and she had that knowing look I knew that my thoughts had been revealing. I really need to be more careful. Lately the old ones of the Haruspex clan have been restless, even snapping at each others and don't be near them when they do because you end up being one of their targets. It is enough to make me want to go find a deep hole and hide from people. I have been feeling the pull of emotions around me, the tensions and the worry.It feels as if each person is sucking my energy away even though I have protected and grounded myself, it has broken thru those barriers and this worries me.

As I walked towards my wagons I noticed that it was hot, hotter than usual, even the wind blew hot, it was stifling as if someone had heated it,it felt like steam blowing over the plains, this was not usual. I would sit on my platform, tired however I was too tired to the point I could not just lay down and sleep. I felt sweat glide along my skin. It was going to be a long night.

As I tried to relax for a few ehn before going to my furs I thought back to the night, it was amusing in some ways. Silk made cookies in the shape of asses, at first I was not sure why she had, nor why she gave them to Seveya, I had to listen for a while and watch their antics before it dawned on me, then I understood the reasoning of it,I had to ponder if Ayguili got what was going on. Though it was amusing I also thought that it was something that should be let go of, in my mind it was not something that was really that big of a deal. And I did ask why she only made them in that shape, and well she had made others too, now this was no surprise, I have known Silk a long time, I knew there had to be more, and she handed me a box and I looked inside it, I had to chuckle, I was not about to eat those in public, not that I ate cookies anyway as a rule, but I was considering trying one, just not at that moment.. This caused Fonce to ask why not, so I lifted one out of the box and showed it to him, it was in the shape of a penis. This lead to him asking which end would I start on.

Now being the woman I am, I would of course answer after all I do have experience in such things so I told him that it depends, sometimes the mood might be to start on one end and other times the other, or maybe even both, this amused him. And earned the comment of excellent. I had to chuckle at that because well, I don't like to be predictable, in some things I am but in many one never really knows what I might do or say. Besides what I did not speak out loud , was if I were going to be giving a man the feel of my lips on his body, I sure was going to make sure it was enjoyable if not mind blowing. But I was staying out of that subject, there are some things I just do not say in public and also the thoughts were dangerous because they brought a few images and thoughts to mind, that only added to ones I already had smoldering there. And some nights were long enough already I didn't need to add any more fuel to the fire, in a manner of speaking. Seveya had one of the cookies in her mouth as she closed the box, and Fonce found this rather amusing her lips around an ass, I tossed her one of other cookies to try.

I was glad to see Mezoo and Ayguili go off together,they deserve some time alone as it is not always easy to arrange such, although it can be done it just takes some creative arranging, he deserves to take time for himself, I don't think he has yet learned to balance being Ubar and having a personal life, the two are often intertwined and it is not easy given all the demands. But he has to take time for himself here and there, it is not a matter of wanting to , he needs to in order to continue being a good leader and for the man to still flourish and grow. That is part of the trick, you must take that time for down time, to enjoy being with another. Little did I know that their night was going to end up with her not so happy. I had a feeling he more than likely wasn't either. But I still was of the thought they could work thru this. It would take on each part some compromise, men like to at times get the attitude of this is how it is end of story, or it is because I said so, this is not always correct, it takes two to make relationship work and it takes two to break it. There is much both have yet to learn, which is why I have always felt that before two people mate they take the time to learn a few things, when you rush into it, there is only disaster. That is why I am glad to see a few having to take it slow. To work out those little bumps that rise up on the path. I have always told people everything happens when and as it should, because wether you see it or not there is always a reason. As I watch the younger couples I see them fighting and resisting that need to go slow. But I think in the end they will be glad that they did, for the end result is often worth much more than they could realize. And if it is something that is not a right fit they will one day be thankful for being able to find out.

I listened for a while to many things that were going around me, enjoying the conversations and even adding to them. Ongel joined us for a short while, but something came up that required his immediate attention, that is something that does happen with healers, when they are needed it is usually a right now emergency type of thing whether it is in the day or the middle of the night. I remember having those kinds of nights long ago, so I can understand that sudden I got to go look. I hoped that whatever the emergency that it would go well. I watched him depart for an ihn or two before my attention as drawn back to the others. I had wondered if he recalled anything of the other night, there was a part of me that hoped he did, he did remember the wager and of course as I would expect he has proclaimed he will win, as if I intend to lose although I am not sure he really wants me to paint his wagon if I lose because well you know I can be rather creative with bright colors.

But you know he has forgotten women gain weight easier than men, however there is the minor detail he eats more than I do, and he loves those sweets. Now this is a challenge for me, how to get around that. How do you develop a sweet tooth, and how do I get that appetite to eat all the time, it is known that I often go all day forgetting to sit and eat, nibbling on strips of dried bosk here and there along with some water. I think a lot of it comes from old habits of learning to survive when younger, I have never really shaken off what it takes to do so.

I also found myself wondering if he recalled anything after the wager, if I looked closely at it I would find a part of me hopeful that he did, and that it was something that meant something, and yet I also had the thought that it was just the drink muddling his mind and it was just something amusing to do. I did not see any indication of his remembering it and I would then have to force myself to admit that I was a bit disappointed, I wanted him to remember and I wanted him to think of me,to recall the feel of me as he held me and to have the scent that he inhaled to linger with him. And yet, the vulo part of me was sort of glad maybe he didn't recall, because then I was safe. He was dangerous, I could easily find myself feeling deeper things that I should not because men like him they do not usually look my way, it is usually others that capture their attention so I needed to forget it myself, if I don't it will allow me to get my hopes up. But for moment the possibilities they were rather intriguing and very nice. Though I wont deny something seems to be there.

Eventually everyone went off on their own way leaving Cana and I by the fires, takara had been busy serving and then disappeared elsewhere. It was nice to relax by the fire with Cana, we spoke of a few things and I reassured her that she did nothing that she need to worry of, we had not broken any rules or behaved in a way that would be considered questionable or wrong, I was glad to see her relax. We talked for a while and as always I enjoy my discussions with her.

We were joined by Yamka who was smiling from ear to ear, and now I know what causes that kind of smile as did Cana and we naturally had to ask. I was glad to see her have an enjoyable evening, about that time we saw Mezoo. There was an aura of upset around her that told me that her night had not gone well. I did not see Ayguili with her. And her muttering and throwing of a bowl made it abundantly clear she was upset. I asked her what was wrong and an array of curses and sexual positions escaped her lips, I think she has been around Fonce to long she is picking up some of his colorful expressions when he is less than pleased with something, I actually found it sort of funny coming from her. And I did catch the words stubborn and bosk arse. Yep that would describe most men actually, they all could be asses at times and they all could be stubborn. We talked with her for a little while, but I am not sure if she understood what we were trying to share with her. Relationships are not always easy even in the best there are ups and downs which is why it takes work no matter how long you have been with someone that is what makes them work. It is the small things that each do for each other. And if a man is a leader then there are additional challenges and there are times for many sacrifices and compromise, it is part of sharing your life with another. We spoke of unconditional love and I am not sure why she felt that was submitting to a man, because it isn't. When you can care for another person and accept their flaws and their quirks no matter what. When you can fight and disagree and then make up and know that no matter what that other person is going to be there beside you, and there to reach down and pick you up when you need it and hold you when you need it and let you breathe when you need it. Then you begin to understand what loving another means. You can not love with conditions and strings, it will never grow and flourish.

She left us I think more upset than when she arrived, I think it is something that she will have to work thru, she loves Ayguili and he loves her that is pretty clear. But I think each need to not allow for walls and people to separate them. It is reaching out to each other that will guide them and strengthen them. For now they need to think and breathe and then come together again to talk.

There are times when everyone makes me glad I am not in my twenties and thirties anymore. When it comes to relationships and sharing my life with another, I have a greater appreciation for what is important and what is not. And to me it is what is in a mans heart and spirit that speaks to me.

The rest. It will always work itself out. And sometimes when there is a stubborn obstacle you just have to be more stubborn and walk thru it.

What is it?

Mistrunner was unusually antsy this morning as we rode along the expanse of the plains, the air seemed to be warmer than it should be and the grasses instead of swaying softly in the wind to release their sweet fragrance, seemed to crackle and snap as they voiced their complaints of being to dry. My fingers drifted along the blades and instead of a cool smooth blade that would glide along my flesh in a soft caress, it felt rough and papery as if it would crumble in my hands at any moment. The ground held a light film of dust as the ground was rising in a dark swirl along the plains from the dryness that captured it.

This was wrong it felt wrong, I think back to the words Ayguili spoke to Fonce. Something was not right.

I had to think upon all the emotions of the tribe lately, the tempers that were close to snapping for some, it was an influx of emotion that even for us did not feel right. We are a passionate people but this was something else. Was the feel of the plains a hint of why, was there something being seen that we were not paying attention to. If so what was it that we were being shown.


Would we see it before something happened?

For a moment I felt myself sway from the force of heat that would over take me and I heard screams and cries rent the fabric of the night, my vision was blinded by something intense but I could not see past it. And then it was gone as if never there. What did it mean ? I felt uneasy, something was in the air, I felt it sizzle and crack around me. I already knew not to dwell on it for I would find no more answers from the sky, we are only given glimpses of things and left to interpret them.

The outriders had been told to not build any fires while out on patrol. As I rode I noticed they were abiding this edict from the Ubar , something I was glad to see. I returned to the camp and dismounted Mist Runner letting him ride off until I next needed him. He had a habit of coming and going when I needed him, he would ride off and disappear into the night as if he were a part of the plains that would breathe and come to life. I remember when Cana and I had first encountered him, Cana knew he was unique and special, he was in many ways almost mystical and seemed to be an illusion, definitely created for a Haruspex, but he was real, he was flesh and blood, and was very temperamental when he chose to, If someone touched him other than Cana or myself he would take a piece of flesh as a reminder to look only.

It was odd not having a fire at my wagon, but I had decided to not light it, I felt uneasy about things I have been feeling and seeing lately, there was an edge to the restlessness that held me in its tentacled grasp, I hated the waiting for something, it just unsettled me. I took precautions around my wagon and also instructed Hallie and Arkus to help Hallie, my youngest son he would help some of the elders of the clan. Everyone of the tribe was pitching in to ensure there was enough water not only at the main fires as Fonce suggested but at their own wagons as well. I called to Arkus before he left I know he would be working with Ayguili on various things and before he did, I would ask him to make sure that Cana's wagon had extra water and Mezoo's as well. He looked at me oddly for a moment and then nodded, he knew I could not always explain why to do something. "What of yours Mother?" He would ask. "Not to worry I will take care of mine." He seemed to hesitate and I gave him a reassuring smile, while he had grown into a young warrior, there were glimpses yet of the boy that worried of his mother. But he would do as I asked, not because he had to but because he knew there were always reasons for things I would ask for.

I would spend most of my morning gathering water and helping those of the clan as well, something seemed to push at me and tug at me, I sent lily over to speak to tori to ensure that they would make sure the healers all had water as well. It may be nothing and it may be something but if nothing else we would have enough to use sparingly if the rains did not come. I watched the sky for some time, no sign of rain clouds not even a rumble in the clouds, I could not feel that sensation that prickled my skin when a storm would be coming. Perhaps later it would.. I would stand back for a few ehn and watch the awakening of the tribe, the sounds of activity beginning as each began their tasks for the day wether personal or clan related.

That reminded me I handed lily an old skirt I had, well, not really old but it was not knew, it was soft, pliable and a rich deep black color, I would have her take it to Yamka and ask her if she could put a split on each side of it. Again I do not know why. I do not wear skirts. They just hinder me. Which is the only reason I do not wear them. So why would I ask her to do this. I do not have one iota of an idea. But there it was.

Now to go to work on some ointments and salves that have been sitting beneath the light of the moons for the past few hands, it was time to finish them. And so begins yet another day in the life of a Tuchuk woman. . . .

Another wager and unexpected discoveries

I stayed away from people for a short time as I tried to slough off the emotions that clung to me. I walked around to my fathers wagon to see if I could speak with him but he was no where to be found, it would seem that he and Chay were out hunting at least that is what Ulric told me but I could tell by his expression that he was hiding something from me. But I did not push I knew not to. Ulric has been around for a very long time and I knew that look that said he wasn't going to share anything.

So, what to do with myself, I was tired and feeling a bit irritable and restless, so I went to the main fires and sat for a bit, in truth I was some what uncomfortable, and I found myself wanting to lunge at the jugular of a few, not because they did anything but just because it was what I was feeling. So I left the fires to try and occupy my hands. I was feeling to raw and sensitive I knew this and I knew of myself that it is better to stay away from people that way I do not unintentionally hurt them with my mouth as it could be quite a weapon when I chose to use it for such.

But I was irritated with Ayguili, in fact I felt a bit hurt. But, I said nothing. I had to work thru these things as best I could, eventually I returned and found Ayguili and Ongel talking, or rather as soon as I sat down Ayguili left irritated, at first I thought it was me, but I would find out it was a discussion between him and the healer that set him off. Ongel was also somewhat irritated and I asked of it, of course I got the nothing routine, but I knew better. He did the evasive maneuver and turned the discussion towards me he wanted to know how I was doing, I was honest with him, I really did not know. There was so much in my mind and so much I felt, we spoke a bit on this and he gave me a few thoughts to consider and the things he mentioned they made sense to me, and I will try this to see how it goes. He is right, and I was glad to be able to speak of it.

In the process of this discussion, he told me he had been an ass. Now, what man is not an ass from time to time, but I did get that it had to do with his discussion with the Ubar, something in the discussion with me seemed to have also helped him to see something and realize something. He quickly commanded takara to make a basket with an array of foods and drinks, he wanted to find Cana and asked if I knew where she was. Well, if she wasn't at her wagons I would say she was at the kaiila pens. So I sent lily to find her, and sure enough she was at the pens. Next thing I knew, Ongel was urging me to join him that we were going to have a picnic with Cana. Now something was up but what I am not sure, it had to do with his talk with Ayguili I just knew it did.

Sure enough when we found her he told her he could no longer be her healer and went on to explain why. Well now I could see his point on a few things, I could also see why Ayguili might get upset, but I think that sometimes Ayguili doesn't always hear what he needs to, at times I have noticed he is quick to brush things off or blow of a few emotions and thoughts, I have once before pointed this out and well, he is a man and makes mistakes he cant be perfect, and he will never make everyone happy, he can only do the best he can and he will take missteps. I think he will realize a few things himself as well.

Takara lay out a blanket with an array of foods, now Ongel decided we were having a wager , who could gain the most weight in two hands. And if one of us won then he would, now let me see what all he said, clean our wagons and a whole list of things I will have to ask Cana. and if he wins then we have to paint his wagons. Gain weight, I had to look at myself, I wasn't skinny, I wasn't fat, but I had curves in the right places and they were soft not bony. How in the name of the skies do I gain weight, I don't like sweets, and I work so much that I would burn of anything I did eat. Well this is a dilemma, Now Cana she needs to gain weight, and she likes sweets, now I was liking this wager, she would have to eat gain weight and gain strength, okay I would go for this wager . Even if I lost, it still would be a good wager. So I was eating the meat and they had the sweets and we shared in some drink as well.

Now I rarely drink anything stronger than black wine, so the drink relaxed me, it was not really strong enough to affect me to the point that my senses were clouded or that I did anything foolish, but the night was filled with laughter and jokes, and they were trying to get me to do the sweets, okay I tried the one drink, oh good skies I felt my cheeks pucker in ward and my body shudder from how sweet it was, then there was a bit of a kick to it a bit of fire, that part I liked, I do enjoy that. But damnation sweet, ew, ew and double ew. Before I knew it they had me eating sweets. See he is damn dangerous, next thing I know he will have me liking sweets.

He shared a story of when he was first mated and how he ended up with his backside painted because he passed out on the steps of the wagon, ohh now this I found amusing and I also had a really good visual in my mind, as I was relaxed enough that I was not holding on to those walls and curtains that hide me. I was enjoying myself with them and the laughter made my sides hurt. Rook took Cana away to make her rest just as Ongel suggested we dance, now not the kind that slaves do, and yes, free women do and can dance. Now, she nearly blew me away, when she said, that we should go find furs together, now wait a minute no she didn't say that and by her laughter, oh yes she did. Now what was she trying to say or better yet what was she trying to do. That is as bad as Ayguili saying I should have offered myself the other night, now what he meant by that I am not sure. Just what are the two of them up to.

But, anyway I had to laugh as I told him that there he went and scared everyone off again until it was just the two us again. takara was imbibing a lot of drink and food and was just enjoying herself by the blanket. I felt the warmth of his hand as he took mine in his and drew me closer not to close but just closer and we began to dance I had to laugh as he dipped me, ever watch the ground and the sky switch places well that is pretty cool. Good thing he had a hold of me or I would have been topsy turvey myself.

He commented on how very beautiful I was, and how that made me feel inside I don't think words would justify,and of course I had to tell him just how handsome he was as he helped me to stand, one hand would rest on his shoulder as I found myself closer to him, I could inhale his scent, it was masculine, held the strength of the man, the healer, the warrior, and yet it was tempered with passion and the plains, it was unique and I found it rather tantalizing. He caught the scent of my hair and commented on it and in that moment it was as if something were weaving around us, beckoning and pulling. As we spoke on these scents he pulled me closer to him and I felt him as I am sure he felt me. There was a sudden want there that was smoldering and threatening to ignite into an inferno if either one of us were not careful and we both were aware of this. When he spoke I felt his breath caress my lips in a soft, warm touch, strange is it not that I found myself wanting to feel his lips against mine. It is not easy to illicit such from me, and I could not deny it was there, I wanted to feel him and taste him, yes, he is definitely dangerous. I think he may have wanted it to but knew just what that kiss might ignite and instead I felt his lips along my neck and a light nip which sent a shiver thru me, damn I wonder if he realizes just what that did to me. But I knew I was not alone, because his words of walking me to my wagon before we both could not stop allowed me to know that he was affected also, as well as a few words he spoke of earlier. They put a few visuals in my head that I think would tease me most of the night.

Now see I decided to take a step I do not know why and it isn't something I would normally do, but it was there in my mind so I spoke of it to him, I told him that I hoped that my scent would stay with him all night and the next day so that he would be reminded of me, and to dream of me. I can say this much, I definitely lay awake for a while as things he awakened in me would stir beneath the surface for a while, I know that he was on my mind when I finally was able to sleep.

He was becoming dangerous.. and maybe I liked that. Who am I kidding.. Yes I do .

And I find myself hoping that there may be more around the corner.

A moment of enlightment followed by chaos

I have been keeping busy, I think mostly to try and work off things I feel, there are the visions that torment me and irritate me. There are the emotions of others that I feel that pull on me and drain me to a certain degree, I do not mind this for they need whatever it is they take from me. Chulun fussed at me, reminding me to eat and rest. I am very bad at those to things, I can go all day before I realize I have not eaten and I can work from before the sun rises until long after it sets. Letting exhaustion take over so that I can fall into my furs to sleep. To forget I am alone, to forget that there is only emptiness and silence within my wagons.

Each day I find myself unable to reach out and grasp those obscure heavy curtains that would obscure and hide me, they seem to have holes in them and they fall apart when I try to touch them. It leaves me open and vulnerable and sensitive and yet there is a glimpse of me. The true me that is often hidden from many.

I gave into his urgings because that old man he can be a royal pain in my arse when he wants to be and I know he wont let up until I do. So I headed to the main fires and lowered to sit, it was then that I noticed the healer sleeping at the fires. Now. That is a dangerous thing to do. To bad I didn't have any of those pink, blue, green or yellow ribbons some are so fond of. Damn that would have been so tempting, he would have looked rather cute with them in his hair. I watched him for a moment, there were so many things I wanted to know of him. He was relaxed as he slept and it dawned on me how attractive he really was, I had not realized it until just now. So, I took a feather and leaned in and drew it along his nose, I had to stifle the laugh that threatened to escape, now had anyone else been there they would have heard that same mischievous laugh when I was a young woman, the joy that was held before life touched me. He rolled over and muttered and wrinkled his nose, so I drew it along his ear and cheek. Now my little game backfired on me, he didn't wake up instead suddenly he grabbed my hand and pulled it downward until it landed right on his crotch, with some muttered words about tori starting there first. Now I knew what he was saying and well now that little tidbit would have been interesting had he not had my hand in his grasp and moving along his leathers.

That left me with the how to get out of this without waking him, damnation I got myself into a bit of a spot, that should teach me. But would it, probably not, I am sure I would do it again. Now see, when a man has your hand in place you can feel everything he has beneath his leathers, and damn did I feel it. Skies. I am not telling either,that is something that I am not telling. And just as I was trying to figure out how to get my hand free he woke up. And he had the audacity to say I was groping him, yea okay, I think he missed he was holding my hand there. This lead to a bit of bantering and of him having to readjust his leathers, and he thinks I missed that, not a chance, I told him he had enlightened me.

It was not long after that I noticed he had a bit of restlessness to him I know that look and body language, he snapped at takara even though she did what he asked. So I inquired as to what was wrong, he needed to release the energy from what little he could get out. Eventually my father neared and I suggested a spar. father looked at me oddly so I told him the healer needed an aggressive fight, he got it then when he asked if it was to release pent up energy.

So they fought, they were evenly matched, and even though my father was older he did win. Both fought well and acquitted themselves well. Yamka and Cana had joined us and I didn't really have a chance to talk a lot as I kept score for the men. Damn I didn't wager on it.. I should have.

The night had been going well but that was soon to change and in ways I would have wished otherwise. My father had an issue with Yamka, he said she lied to him, now I know how my father is about lying, he can be a real hard ass when it comes to that no matter what the reason is. I was surprised as he threw his lance to her feet and I glanced to him and wisely said nothing, the air was changing around me and it was not feeling all that great, I felt the faint twinges of tension begin to flutter on the wings of the night. The good moods were fast changing, there was a barrage of words going back and forth. My name was mentioned as having said something I had not, so I looked to Yamka as all knew I did not like my name used if I did not say it I tended to get upset, there was to much shock on her face for me to really get an understanding of the truth of this, and this discussion kept up until there was only a fixation on the kaiila. I distracted myself by talking to Ongel of trivial things, just to keep myself out of what was going on. It had nothing to do with me.

I thought it would resolve and get better, no, that was not the case, the next thing I hear is Ayguili saying my father wanted to end Cana's life, now this had my attention and I looked to my father, how could this be true, he adores Cana she is his little tabuk, he would die for her . Surely this was wrong, as I listened I got the impression my father meant that if after a certain amount of time would they give her a dignified death as befitting a tuchuk. This I understood, I knew he meant that if she did not recover would we leave her like a vegetable, but somewhere in his speaking of it, it had sounded harsh and cold and in the perception of others it was heard as he wanted to kill her. The entire night was filled with miscommunications, chaos and testerone . It was becoming to much for me, the intense emotions were bombarding me and sucking the life from me, I felt the emotions of others and I was fighting to keep from feeling them. But that ended when Ayguili stripped father of his rank. I felt that sudden jolt of anger and hurt from others rush deep into the center of my being, I had to get away from it all. I knew my father would take it as being dishonored. I knew how he would see it and I couldn't watch this. It was to much for me, my emotions are to raw for all of this.

Cana had left upset and I quickly went to follow her, I found her at her wagon and I took her in my arms and held her and let her cry, the anguish and hurt was more than I could bear. She tried to understand she sought understanding, she felt betrayed by my father, she loved him how could he want her dead, I did my best to explain what I thought he meant. But in truth I don't know just what the hell happened I only know that suddenly I feel as if I am drowning in emotions not of my own. I also feel that I have just lost someone. I hope this feeling that niggles at me is not a fore shadowing of something, but I feel it just as I live and breathe. I had not realized that I dropped the amulet and my supplies I had with it when I rose to follow Cana. To my surprise Ongel had sent his girl to find me and make sure it was returned to me. I will have to thank him for that. I also need to finish this amulet.

Eventually I would leave Cana and walk back to the main fires for a moment, Ayguili was still there and I spoke with him for a moment, he asked if Cana was alright, I told him she would be but is understandably very upset. To my surprise he asked if I was alright, No I wasn't and I said as much. Now that is a new twist I always say I am fine even when I am not. But he asked and I answered honestly. But right then I knew I could not talk, I just wasn't up to it, I asked for him to speak with me the next day when I could control my emotions and thoughts better.

And I had to tell him, that I heard he had a very nice backside, it took him a moment and then he realized that yep I had heard about his adventures at the stream. I had to chuckle, I couldn't help it. And his expression, well it was priceless.

I would leave him to return to my wagons,but sleep would elude me, there was so much I felt curled up in the fetal position in my furs, I do not know what will happen now. I just know that I feel a great deep pain that seems to be ripping my heart to shreds and leaving gashes so deep that I wonder if they can be closed.

Love and Sex

I walked along the row of wagons until I neared Cana's the night was quiet yet you could hear laughter in the air as children played after a days hard work, the sounds of bosk hung with a comforting familiarity in the air. I found Cana sitting on the platform of her wagon. She looked as if her thoughts were far away, I saw the dried tears that left tell tale signs on her cheeks. My heart broke for her, I wish there was something I could do that would lift her up and away from everything. I climbed up the steps of her wagon and moved to sit beside her, noticing her fingers trembling as they held a bowl. I would lift my hand to cover hers, and ask her if she would like to tell me how she was really feeling, not the standard answer she gave others, you can fool someone who uses that same tactic to hide how they really feel.

I rested my head against hers as she placed hers on my shoulder, she shared with me how she was feeling, what she was feeling, and I listened quietly, just being there for her to lean on. There was some confusion on something she felt, the other emotions I understood, but that one I was not sure of, and when she confided him me I could only smile a bit, it was a confession I am not surprised about. Her feelings regarding Fonce, I think I surprised her by not being surprised of it. Truth is I have watched the two for many turnings, and I have had my thoughts on various things. I did ask her if she spoke to him on this. We spoke on length many things on this and her thoughts. There are many complications in life and the heart is often in the middle.

I have watched him as he begins to explore feelings, I have watched him take those baby steps, now is what he feels for Seveya love. That is not something I can answer, I can only observe and see that he is learning to feel something. It is not for me to say is it long lasting or not. But at the same time I do not think unexplored emotions should be pushed aside, there is a bond between Cana and Fonce that no one will ever be able to touch for it transcends so much and it is stronger than anything anyone could give him. I know this to be true because I have watched over the period of time as each has gone thru various events in their lives. He has not I do not think allowed or even thought to explore that avenue for it was never open before. My thought is, if a door closes then damn well kick it down and open it.

She confided in me things that happened to her before, during and after her rescue. Now see, it appears he also spoke of his feelings for her to her. Now if this does not make me want to take a whip to both of them and beat sense into them. I wonder if he realizes that she could be the light to his darkness, the one that can and has balanced him over the turnings. I admire that he wants to protect her from himself and that dark side of him for that shows the depth of his feelings, to want to protect her. You can't fault him for that, for this shows what he has is very powerful and very deep. That he would be that before what he wants, to deny himself what could be. I admire it but I also want to kick him a good one to, for he could lose something he didn't know he had. Now I would love to interceder, I would love to sit and find a way to make things happen.

But I cannot, it is not something I am allowed to do, nor would I.. For none of us know what the sky has planned.

And each person will have to grow and learn and discover things, it could be their paths are destined to be shared or they may not, it could be he is destined to learn of love with another and then again maybe not. There is always the what ifs, the questions. That is why I do not interfere in either way, but I do know this, there is something between them that no matter who he is with, she will always be there. There will always be Cana and one day he may wake up and see just what he has had all this time. What a precious gift she is and just how strong and deep what they share is. Both fear looking at this, is my thought. There is safety in the escape of others.

It is a shame though that no one really gets to talk to him without a distraction inserting itself to create a wall of distance that prevents others from reaching out and spending time with them. Is there such insecurity and doubt that a constant vigil must be kept. It kind of makes me ponder many things. I encouraged her to talk to him. We shared thoughts on many things including of how Fonce asked for the bride price and of how he mentioned it was denied him. Somehow I had a feeling there was more to this than that. There are many things we spoke of until Ongel arrived. And just like others her confidence is in my keeping I will not share it and no one knows of the words we have shared.

He wanted to examine her and well she was not comfortable, I assured her I would stay. And I did, I listened and watched while he made sure she was alright. And then he departed just around the same time I did, I had to return to the clan as I had a lot of work to do yet.

It was a few days later I would find myself in the company of a new slave takara. She is from the cities, and is having to relearn much for our ways are very different, she seems willing to learn, I spoke with her for a while on various things. It was my thought that a Master would not want a mindless zombie, yes he wants his needs to be her focus which is how it should be, but they would always want to know what she feels or thinks. I think she understood but I am not sure. There are things I suggested she speak to her Master about to obtain his preferences as she should never assume for when you do that is a guarantee to screw up. I left her there at the stream as I went to finish up some things.

Eventually I would find myself at the main fires when suddenly Silk burst into focus, she was all flustered and upset. I had to ask and well, be careful of what you ask for, it seems she came upon Ayguili at the stream with two slaves and well she walked in upon him as he was taking his pleasure with them. I had to laugh I could not help it. Any woman of the tribe that tries to claim lack of knowledge of seeing such is lying. It is not uncommon to see a man take a slave along side a wagon, or other places. It is something they do and have for centuries. Though most try to ensure it is not at the main fires or do it on purpose or openly in front of a free woman or mate. She was trying to find a way to express herself . So what a man is furring a slave. I teased her about it when Seveya arrived lingering near by but not really close to be involved in any discussion. Seems she encountered the same scene from her expression. I should be sorry that this amused me. But I'm not.

Sex is just that sex. It is different when you have emotion attached to it, the kind that comes from sharing your life together, having children and sharing in all the ups and downs of life. That is when it becomes so much more. And between a man and woman. There are no barriers.

I spoke to Silk of various things,I get the impression that things are a bit rocky with her and Ash, she spoke of what a perfect man would be. I had to say I did not want a perfect man, for in truth someone that is perfect would be rather boring. Where would be the adventure in learning each other and discovering the flaws that make the person, the person you love. Where would be the joy in exploration of every nuance and every imperfection if a man was perfect. No I want one that isn't perfect, I want the flaws and everything that comes with that. But I did suggest to her that if she peeled away the layers she would find the gem that would be perfection, for isn't it the imperfections that make a gem unique, beautiful and desirable. I think the same is of people. Life and love is not about achieving perfection it is about living, learning and exploring.

Though when Ayguili arrived a bit later, I had a hard time looking at him without the visuals popping into my mind. Damn women...

For unloading, listening and venting.. That is what freinds are for.. support.

When the sunsets over the fragrant grass of the plains and the twilight fills the night, you can see
thru the veil of the evening to see the never ending expanse of the sky and the array of shifting colors that flow thru it to illuminate the life of the Tuchuks. I was watching this display of color as I crushed various herbs by my spex wagon. My thought would momentarily drift along the winds and the clouds as if flowing along a melody of a song that was sung in my mind, it carried me over the plains and around the ancient ones and their teachings.

My thoughts were brought back to the present as I heard Ayguili 's question, "Tell me, do you think she is going to be alright? " I didn't have to ask who he spoke of, and I motioned him to join me by the fires as I spoke to him, I told him that Cana was stronger than he realized and that eventually yes she would be alright, this is something that took time. Not only is her heart broken and crying silently for what she has lost, but her body is weakened from laying in an unconscious state for as long as she did, it did not matter that we cared for her body and nourished it, there would still be a natural state of weakness from lack of use. I agreed with the healer that she should take it slow and to introduce food slowly, I knew the rationale behind this, she could not just fill an empty stomach with rich heavy foods it would be rejected you slowly work up to such, now I did not agree with keeping her in active, we have discussed this, but I rarely win, fact is he is the healer, so really I have to respect that, but it doesn't mean I can't disagree.

Though I did comment that he does act as if Cana is the only one to have lost someone, or that he was the only one to lose a brother, and yet he does not worry of them, I tend to be rather blunt and forthright in what I think and say. I love Cana as if she were of my own body and blood, but I will not treat her differently than others and she would be the first to slap me silly if I did. I also asked him if it was different than what other warriors have endured with such a loss. I do not think he expected these questions, but I was not talking to him as an Ubar, I was talking to him the man, the man that is my friend, one that I care about and I do not want to see him spiral down into the murky abyss of sorrow and loss.

I sat with him so we could talk, I listened as he spoke of how he always thought Ba'atar would always be around, when he joined me he asked if he was in trouble, I wondered of this question and I asked him why he felt this, it was just a feeling he had, so I handed him a bota of water and looked to him and asked him directly how he was really doing, and I told him not to hand me the I am fine routine or the strong , because I am the Ubar routine, I knew those paths all two well, they are well traveled paths. I wanted him to talk to me as Ayguili, not the Ubar.

As he held the bota I could see that he was struggling with how much to reveal or let go of, it is hard for men to let go of things, it is as if they feel they are weak if they shed tears or reveal emotions, I have always thought it takes a strong man to share his thoughts and emotions and when need be to shed tears of sorrow, pain or even joy or happiness. There is no weakness in these things. Now if they become slobbering bubbling fools that is different. I have worn the tears of a few that have come to me for various reasons, wether it is for counsel, guidance or whatever the reason. There is strength in a man who can be sure of himself as a man.

He then spoke, " All of my life, he has been there. Growing up, he tormented me, all of us really. But then, he would turn around , and defend each of us. I spent the first half of my life sleeping in the furs with him, and I am angry. Angry that the Sky took him." I found my hand lifting to touch his arm, encouraging him to let it all out, he had every right to feel anger and I would not take that from him and I would give him the support he needed in that moment. " Angry at him for leaving, I 'm not ready for this. My mother will not even speak to me, I feel like I have let her down by not dying in his steed." Though I did not say it or reveal it, I felt such anger at his mother that I wanted to go and shake sense into her myself. How dare she make him feel this way, she is his son. No mother should put one child above or before another and they sure as hell should never let one feel like they should have died instead, now this, this just infuriated me. She did not deserve him as a son is my thought and shame on her for these things. Yes, that mother in me was rising to the surface with all the protective ferociousness of a larl. My claws are sharp and I wanted to use them.

But, I did not. Instead, I sat quietly and listened. I had an inkling before we spoke that his mother would make him feel guilty. So I spoke to him, "But yet you feel great sorrow and emptiness." He would look away from me as he nodded and then he would answer, " I do, For myself, then also for all of us. We lost someone important, something important. Not only in him, but in the ones that died with him. I hope it is worth it all. I hope all of this sorrow, anger and emptiness is worth it. " I had to think on this before I would speak.

"Every loss of a warrior, woman or child is greatly felt, when the heartbeats stop something is taken from us, I will not lie and say it goes away, it doesn't, we can only learn how to live with the loss and in time it is somewhat tempered to not be as sharp and acute." I would state to him as gently as I could hoping that it would help to ease what he was feeling, I was not going to give him superficial platitudes that some will, I know they do not work, nor would I say I understood, because while I did to a point, I did not because I am not him, so how could I know what he feels. I can only be here for him and offer him what I can to help him thru it. "If I could take away your pain I would, but it is that pain, anger and sorrow that keeps you alive." I would add.

I was not expecting his next words as he sat there thinking for a few moments, " We did not treat you well when Garyx died, For that, I am sorry ." There was much I wanted to say, I have not forgotten how the tribe acted after his death, nor have I forgotten those who turned their backs and never even inquired if I needed anything, I think that is partly why I bristle slightly as I watch how Cana is treated, yes I could be really bitchy about all of it, but I do not. I am not Cana and she is not me, I am not Ayguili and he is not me.
I would wait a few ehn before I spoke and when I did I simply squeezed his hand, I explained to him that everyone seems to think I am so strong and do not break, so it was a given how he and others were. However, Cana she is seen differently, and even with all this I love her no less, it is how life is, but she is stronger than they realize, she needs to be able to breathe and to do things. This is what will help her to heal, and I told him he can best help her by being there when she needed him to be, but to not suffocate her or treat her as if she is a paper doll that will crumble and turn to nothing. And I reminded him to never ever let anyone guilt him for living, that he was just as important as Ba'atar was, and that he was more than he had yet to learn or even his family. Ba'atar loved him and I felt he was proud of the man he had become.

We spoke a bit more on how he felt of his brother and of himself, I would gently guide him and reassure him of some things, simply because it was what I had seen in Ba'atar and of Ayguili, I do not sugar coat things. I knew that he made him second in command because he felt he could do it, it was something that I had spoken of with Ba'atar before he did it because he asked for my opinion.

It was after this discussion that I would stand and walk around him and wrap him in a hug, it was the hug of a mother and a friend, to let him know that he was not alone, that he was important and to comfort him, I told him there was no shame in emotions or tears. And that emotions and feelings are confusing no matter how old or how young we are.

He spoke of promises made that he was not sure he could keep, so I naturally asked and sat next to him once more and listened closely. I would offer a different perspective and guidance on these things and of how in truth he was keeping them, sometimes it takes a different eye to reveal things. He spoke of his love for Mezoo and of situations that are in effect that could affect this. I felt his emotions as he spoke of how he wants her to share his life and of his fear he screwed it up. We spoke of the things and people that may influence this. He spoke of his concerns of others and what he did and why. I understood the rationale and I gave my input and thoughts along with a few suggestions. I am not sure he will take them but I hope that he will at least turn them over in his mind and see what I meant, there comes a time in life when mothers have to let go of their children to let them grow and fall, to make decisions that may or may not bring them sorrow, pain, joy and happiness. We have to let them fall, we have to let them fly. We can only be there to lend a hand when needed and to pick up the pieces when all falls apart. And so must an Ubar learn this as well. I think he understood. I can agree with the thoughts he shared with me and I would want to do the same thing he has wanted to do, but I also know that we can not protect people from themselves and we may not understand why they cannot see what it is we are trying to convey, for it is not always as assumed. I tried to give him some insights to chew upon as he decided what he wanted to do, there are some things people like to think they have knowledge of but they do not for they have nothing to base it on, no experience and no strong foundation of reference. I gave my observations of many things over the past turning that I have noticed, I was glad to see that he had also noticed these things. It sort of gave me confirmation that I was not bonkers.

The meat of my talk with him I will not write down, it will stay in my head because it was spoken in a confidential manner and I will never break the confidences of those I speak to. And somehow when you write things down on paper they managed to be seen by others no matter how well you hide your journal from prying eyes, so I have learned to keep many things from these pages so they do not bleed into the minds of others. I protect people in man ways, I support them in many ways, even when they do not know it

Though I do not think I have seen Ayguili blush before as we spoke of how women behave and act , and his bluntness brought the sudden warmth to his face, he apologized but he had no reason to, I was not offended, but he felt I deserved more respect than his words gave, I grew up with outriders as play mates so I am used to it, but I accepted it for what it meant to him and to me. Though I did agree with his sentiments.

He did ask me a question that I really could not answer, but I shared what I could and it made me laugh wondering if we could send people there, now that is a thought. To bad we can't. I know a few I would love to have lessons learned.

Somehow we got on the topic of me and men, now I am fully aware of not being the type that many line up to try and capture, nor am I sleen in heat around men, which seems to attract them. I figure I am worth a little bit of work to have. Warriors usually look at me for two reasons, as a friend or as a spex. His reply was "boskchyt." Well I had to laugh because if he thought that then he never really watched things around him. I told him I thought I scared them, and he actually thought I tried to, I had to look at him oddly for a moment, and tell him if he really thought that then he truly did not know me, I do not intentionally try to scare anyone, well, maybe here and there a slave or two. I admitted that most people I kept at a distance I knew all to well the hard price of friends that betray you and of the betrayal of men who claimed to love you. I knew by his expression that he knew there was much to my statement and indeed there was. But I was not yet ready to speak of those things.

It was about that time Ongel joined us he had been looking for Ayguili as he seemed to need to speak to him, I would sit with them for a few moments as they spoke of how Cana was doing I had to chuckle as he spoke of having to see a red head slave with a question, I knew that meant. Men are men after all. Now Ongel spoke of how women thought with emotion, well now this is true we do, but we do have logic as well. Not all of us lose it even with emotions. Although I wasn't going to tell him that there are times I do lose my logic but it has to be with very intense and deep emotions that bring me to my knees.
We spoke of many things for a while, when Ongel asked if I would go and see if Cana was at her wagons and to keep her there, as he wished to talk to Ayguili.

Now, I had no problem doing that and as I rose I told him he was creating quite a tab to which Ayguili mentioned he would make him pay up, I had to laugh, I had no doubt the healer could keep up with his tab. I would touch Ayguili's shoulder and remind him I was there any time he needed me and to live and be proud.
I would smile a bit as he touched my hand thanking me for letting him unload and get things off of his chest.

So off I went to check on Cana . .

A race and another Wager

There seemed to be heat trapped in the night, despite the whisper of the wind shivering the grasses as it flowed over the plains. Sitting astride Eclipse I would watch the power of the spirits dash into the cover of the night. There are stories among the plains people of how they steal the souls of people. It is interesting the stories that are told not only of the spirits but of the Haruspex themselves.

It was here near the edge of the encampment where Hallie found me, she wanted to race before she joined her friends. Now I had to wonder if she is ill, teenagers never really want to be seen with their parents let alone do something in public with them. So I accepted, it has been many turnings since I have raced.

We went to the race track and readied ourselves and then took off as if riding the winds, I could feel the muscles of Eclipse work beneath me as he strained to run as fast as he could, you could almost hear the intake of breath and its release as we moved around the track. As the race wound down Hallie took the lead to gain a victory, children do enjoy beating their parents. I do not mind losing for it is not to me always about winning, it is the enjoyment of having the fun and sharing these moments. All too soon the life of a
teenager beckons and it was time for her to be with her friends.

As I watched her run off to join her friends I found myself missing the feel of them when they were small and needed mothering, I find myself every now and then wondering if I would ever have any more, I had wanted a couple of more but those plans never came into fruition. Maybe that is why the visions irritate me and frustrate me,do they know I was ready for more from life before me. That I wanted to one day mate again and have children and to be able to give to another to bring them happiness,balance and so much more. I tell people I have no desire to mate again, but inside there is that part of me that does not like the solitary life .I have wants and needs that I would like to have fulfilled like others.

A short time later Ongel joined me, I felt the familiar tugs of a smile form as he neared. There seemed to be a hint of restlessness to him as he took me up on racing, but there was the moment of setting a wager. What to wager, I already owe him dinner and a few other things that go with that, but he seems not to interested in keeping them, the few times I have mentioned it he was evasive and seemed uninterested. A shame really I would have enjoyed sharing the time with him, but I knew that I did not hold the allure and interest of men like others did, I was sort of an oddity and you had to have a soft spot for those of us that are a bit strange or eccentric for lack of better words. But I am alright with that I am used to it. It is interesting I think what we get used to in life.

So I had to think of something, he offered a bosk, so I offered what popped into my head, if he lost he would have to bring me a vulo and a feather. And so we moved to begin the race, my kaiila he is a temperamental beast and at the most inopportune of times and he nearly knocked me into the next hand as I fell a time or two, the race was close but it was fun and I enjoyed every moment even when I had to eat dirt.

Now it was very close in fact so close I think I only won just by the skin of my teeth. Now see it just isn't any feather he will find it is one that he has set up as a challenge for himself, this I found interesting in fact it intrigued me. The night was about to take a turn for as we talked a young warrior in a panic joined us with him he had a young pregnant woman who had an arrow lodged in a very precarious position. Ongel quickly moved to her side and went to work, he worked with a skill and precision that comes with many turnings of practice, now I do not say this simply because it is him. But, because I observed with the eye of a physician, I tend to be rather observant and he worked quickly, and spoke to her in a calm manner as he told her the truth of the situation, I liked that, no false stories or hope, just the simple facts of what was and what could be. I helped as I could. I offered to help him in a way that I often do for other healers, I think he took it wrong, I wasn't asking him to cross the line of a healer into the spex or vice versa, nor was I trying to do what he does, I have a great deal of respect for him and his clan, I was simply offering to see where the arrow was so he could better maneuver it and do what he needed to do. It kind of took me back a step as he seemed to think I was trying to do some sort of healing. There are only certain times I will use my abilities as a spex to help heal or remove pain. And I am careful of when and how. if it was common knowledge and everyone would want it and then I would never be able to function. Over the turnings such has only been used for Garyx, Cana and Ba'atar. I do not do it often as it takes a lot of me to do it and effects me for a few ahns.

I respected his answer even though I really wanted to explain better, that moment wasn't it, and I never step on the toes of other clans, he was the healer, I would do as he directed, holding the skin once he removed the arrow so he could stitch her up.

I notices a few expressions after the woman's mate arrived, I was curious of it, but again I would wait until he was done explaining things to the mate . The warrior had a difficult choice to make while Ongel worked on his woman, to save her, or to save the unborn child, the warrior quickly made a choice, and to my surprise Ongel took the time to really explain the outcomes of each decision. The warrior thought on this and then made a choice. When he was done she was alive and still had her baby, and instructions were given for her care.

The way he spoke I had to ask if he had felt the loss of such, of an unborn child I knew he had lost his mate he had spoken of that. He did not answer right away and I noticed the deep breath he took, he did know the pain and he had made a different choice and lost both. But before I could say anything he quickly changed the subject to getting some food. I swear I sure know how to make a man shut down and clam up must be some bloody damn gift. It was also then that I noticed the scars that ran up under the flesh of his arms and met at the center of his chest, quickly hidden by the tunic he wore, I wanted to know how he got them.

But I already knew not to ask because he had that aura of needing to be away from my company and in the influx of the energy of many people. I walked back with him to the main fires. keeping quieter than I usually would.

He was a puzzle I could not quite figure out, for just when I got close to grasping a piece it was quickly snatched out of my grasp. I did not dwell on this as I sat down to relax with others by the main fires, I listened quietly for a bit adding a bit or two here and there.

Eventually, he was left alone again with me.. Do you think it is a punishment for him.. or a gift..

I think it depends on how you look at it.

But it sure does happen enough that I have noticed it and I find this rather interesting.

Of Pride and Enslavement

As I drew closer to the stream, I saw Fonce and the red haired slave he has, I took my time in nearing as I could tell something was going on, and well I didn't really want to step in the middle of it, so I took my time in drawing near as I did I thought to a conversation from a few months ago I had with him, interesting that some of the important discussions or special things always occurred for me at the stream. It had not been a heavy duty intense discussion but one that allowed me to explore a path that was often blocked to me, a glimpse of the man that at one time had a friendship with me that was open and flowing back and forth, outside of my father he is only the third to have my signature on his body, now that should make him feel special. Who knows who may get the next one only time will tell, but the fact of the matter is I have known Fonce since he arrived at the first fires, but yet I do not know him. It is common knowledge we have a rather volatile history, often our thoughts and ideas and ability to communicate clashes, crashes and burns leaving only ashes and hurt feelings. But I would like to think we have taken steps to close that chasm that has always been there between us. I know that I do not have the bond he has with Cana, that is something special and unique a man and woman do not get that bond to often and sometimes I wonder if they have ever considered looking at it as something more than what either of them see. For many turnings I have sat and watched and in truth I have always felt that Fonce and Cana belonged together but each seemed to have to take separate paths to learn things. Each are still learning things. These are thoughts I keep to myself I do not voice allowed it is something that I figure they will have to figure out on their own when the time is right. And it is not my place to interfere though over the turnings I wish I could have.

He shared a few things of his past that I asked of, I found it interesting and it also gave me more questions but I would not push to hard or fast, I didn't want the steps taken to be suddenly blown up and I would not want to lose the initial fragile strands of friendship that are being woven. I put everything he shared in my mind and kept it there. I learned a few new things and a few ideas I had were confirmed.

Drawing nearer to the stream I would bring my attention to the present as I came up along side him, I wanted to let him know that I was proud of how he did what was needed to help Cana, I do not know the details of why it was something he was resistant to, but I knew that he was very much so, but he did what was needed to help her. I knew he could do it long ago, back when he showed me how he burned his hand and the results of a wagon from his anger and other things, from the skull that I still have covered in my spex wagon his humor on that has not been forgotten, and I knew when we spoke of various things. I knew in the first glance there were things he could do that he had not yet been aware of, that he had more than he knew. I was glad to see him step thru this first obstacle and find that it did not always end up in ways that would bring pain and sorrow.

He has asked me to do something, and I will do so. I gave my word to him, and this is something that even those who do not know me well know is binding, I never promise what I do not intend to keep or cannot keep. Which is why Garyx made me promise to not to let myself die upon his death, to live my life and move forward. He knew that it would bind me from allowing my grief to take me to the shadows and in doing so leave my body behind to essentially die. Perhaps he knew something I did not, but over the past two turnings I have done just that. Well, not exactly as he meant but I do live and breathe each day. I will see if there is anything that lingers or is wrong,I can observe and sense things in a quiet way that is not always seen or known. We spoke of a few things, I wanted to make sure he was alright, and that he knew if he needed anything I would be there, Sometimes a Haruspex can not share things to those outside of the clan, sometimes because it is sacred or secret and sometimes it is because they will not understand. Th

Red was crying at his feet and he did give her attention after a certain point, he was very displeased with her I am not sure what all happened but it had to do with her bells and how she silenced them, and of how she was seeking her own wants and needs versus his. That was a mistake no slave should put their wants or needs before those of the free wether man or woman. Once you are enslaved who you were ceases to be, your name and clan or caste is gone, what you were is gone, you are no longer a free woman with the right to speak your mind or thoughts freely, everything you do is driven towards pleasing the one who owns you in the ways they want, if a free person chooses to let you speak freely of what you think and feel that is a luxury not often given. It is a new life when you are enslaved and it is one that requires you to give everything of yourself and not hold things back, and you no longer have the right to put what you want or need first, a man if he chooses can even make it that you can not find pleasure, release or anything until he demands it. A man can if he chooses chain you or bind you for days in a position that is for his desire not yours. There is much I think slaves of this tribe have forgotten, it is not about running around so heated that you are dripping with your desire on the ground, that is the fastest way to earn a cold shoulder from many free women and even with most men, what is obvious is not always wanted, if any think this then they have a lot to learn about being women. Nor is it running around looking at each warrior with the come fuck me now look that is not what being a slave means. Most of them have no idea on what it truly means to be a slave or to embrace it. There are a few that I have seen that do, and a few that are willing to learn to be more than they are. It is no secret my almost hate of slaves but it is not out of jealousy, simply because I have already learned what enslavement means and how it feels in a way that even these ones here do not know, when you are collared by an old warrior, you learn some very old fashioned lessons. But I also know what it means to be a woman, perhaps that is why I have no restrictions of things I would do or not do with a man I am mated to. But I do not speak for all women I can only speak of myself and what I observe.

Though she was trying to convey her thoughts I think her emotions were getting in the way of expressing it, and it is not always easy to get Fonce to understand what you are feeling or thinking when clear of mind. I almost reached out to help guide her but I didn't, she had to find these answers herself, However, it takes more to be a slave that a man is proud to call his, that he owns. And it takes a lot for a woman to even have some semblance of pride for a slave. It takes nothing to take one to fur her until she cant walk or she screams and begs, that does not always have meaning behind it. Although for free and slave a like with the right emotion and bond it can be mind shattering and binding. When a girl can reach out and learn all there is to learn of being a slave, then she can walk with that sensual haughty pride that she is a tuchuk slave to a tuchuk warrior and or mistress. Depending on the situation.

I listened for a while slowly she began to catch on to what it was that he wanted it was a good beginning, but I think she would have a long way to go yet before he would really make her his. If she was true to her words she will learn what it is he wants. If she is true to him then she will do everything she can to show him that she can make him happy and make him proud to own her. For her sake I hope she does. Otherwise she may be in for a very harsh eye opening lesson in reality.

I had left them at the stream to finish some work.. Eventually I would join my son and daughter at the race track to race..

And then I would race another.. with a new wager.. one I made simple... sort of.