Sometimes I can hear a voice from a distance fussing at me for the long ahns I spend working, and if I close my eyes I can envision the look that very clearly tells me. Stop it. Sometimes I heed it and sometimes I don't the sad thing about falling back into old habits is, once you delve into them and tap dance around them you can not easily break free. There is a comfort in working until I am to exhausted to think. But that is the purpose.
Sometimes I find myself too tired to fight with myself, if my hands are busy I do not think or feel that keeps the walls in place , if I stop, then there is a chance a hole can be punctured thru those carefully constructed safety mechanisms. Sometimes I want that, and sometimes it scares the life out of me for it to happen. For it requires trust something I do not easily give, and there are only a few I can say still hold that gift, some had it and they betrayed it and destroyed it, once lost you very rarely gain that treasure back. Another one of those double edged sword type moments.
I find myself too tired to get involved in issues of others, and by that I do not mean the issues where they need healing, counseling or some other magical form that a spex can give, or the shoulder or ear of a friend, I mean the small things of jealousy, nit picking,whining and the indulgence of being only "I" oriented. The small petty things are what I speak of, or the situations of ones own making designed to draw attention and appear the victim of life. I find that most times people have to figure a few things out themselves, you have to fall before you can learn to get up and keep moving ahead, you have to crawl before you can walk and you have to experience the pain to appreciate the joy. And there are times when we have to step back and let others find their way, we are still there, but there is a difference between guiding and holding someone's hand to coddle them.
A few of us were gathered by the fires, Cana was giving a glimpse more of how she is feeling, I am glad she is doing so, because it lets us know that she needs us and many of us are there for her,and it allows for her to have a greater strength of a network of support, just as I told her we are family, I wanted her to know that no matter what we are there for her, because the thing of caring about each other is that we can fight, we can disagree, but no matter what we never stop being there and we never stop caring. Kam.. he will never let his little tabuk get lost,she will forever be that to him, Mezoo she will be there as well for she has begun to weave into the bond of friendship which is family, linked to the chain of being tribe which is also family, such as Sahili Lu, Jaella , and others that were gathered with us.
It was while we were sitting there talking that Silk arrived, something seemed off with her, but what I could not tell, she kept to herself over by one of the wagons, not drawing close enough to encourage any conversation with her, it was as if she were putting up a sign that read, no trespassing, do not get to close, well, when you do that I am not about to cross over those boundaries, she was drinking I believe tea by the expression on her face, but I am not sure.It was odd this aura of distance to her that clearly gave the impression on not wishing to be bothered, I greeted her, figuring if she wanted to talk she would reveal more or she would draw closer where people could talk with her and include her.
However, she was rather silent, something was not right, it was not long before she suddenly was leaving just as I was about to motion to her and speak her name when we were talking of family and being there for each other. I am not sure how to interpret that, was it a signal that she did not consider herself part of the tapestry of tribe or family, or was it she just did not wish to be around people, I am not sure given the speed of her departure. I do not know what is going on with her, she does not venture near to allow for conversation to take place,I do not chase after people, I figure if you have a problem you will solve it, or you will seek guidance.
There was a time when I would chase after people, coddling them, holding their hands and directing them. But that time is not now.. I think as I have grown over the years I have learned, I can not save everyone,and not everyone wants to be saved, some wish to remain in the abyss because it is familiar and comfortable. People must make choices in all aspects of life and accept the outcome of those choices. I can only be there when they choose to seek me out.
It is my hope that those that were around the fire, they found the strength in the bond of each other, and that only together are we able to surmount the obstacles of life. It is the heart of each individual that makes up the tapestry of the tuchuk. Only the strong survive the plains.
It was not long before I had to depart and return to my wagons, there were things I needed to take care of and I promised my children I would spend the rest of the evening with them. Now, what are they up to, children never want to spend time with their mothers unless they want something or they did something.
In their case. It could be almost anything.
