One thing about riding something fast and hard is. It releases a great deal of energy. And it was partially what I needed. After all I rarely do anything slow and easy.
As I let Eclipse run wild and free, I let go of the control of my emotions that for the last turning I have held tight and closed deep within me, with each thunderous,forceful hammer of his hooves upon the ground that would pluck bits of dirt upward to be tossed recklessly in the air , I felt my control slip away. I could feel his muscles contract and release with each movement as he picked up his pace. The force of the wind would weave around me touching my skin with the intensity of a lovers kiss raining over the flesh to awaken and reach deep within to ignite the passionate nature that was suffocating and diminishing, it wove an invisible hand thru my hair tugging at the tightly woven braid, it managed to pluck various silken strands loose.
There was an almost sensual arch to my back as I found myself leaning backwards to let my arms stretch outwards on each side of me with one palm towards the sky and the other towards the ground, I felt the light drizzle of rain over my face as if millions of fingers were gliding over my face and body sending a shiver to ripple thru me from head to toe, within the coolness of the touch I felt the warmth of my tears mingle with the fluid caress, the crest of emotions rose upward like the waves of the thassa in the midst of the storm, I felt the rage of fire course thru my body as if liquid fire were suddenly let loose in an uncontrollable inferno. I could feel the breath rush thru my kailla as I lay back upon him, due to I never use a saddle I could feel my own emotions seem to become a part of him, I heard the snort that rushed passed his teeth and mouth as he raced onward. I let him go where he wished with out stopping him, I felt from deep within me a painful, mournful and primal cry being pulled forth, the force of it left me robbed of breath and thought, the pain of it felt as if millions of blades were slicing thru me, cutting, ripping taking parts of me leaving only a bloody,pulsating pile of flesh.
How long I rode I do not know, I was aware of slowing down and coming to a stop somewhere on the plains. It was not a place known to me. I did not move as Eclipse came to a perfect dead stop, my breath was rapid and ragged as I gazed at the sky. It was then that I saw the shadow of a face, it was not clear, yet it reminded me of the one that had been in a dream or vision a few hands ago, the warrior that spoke to me there. The one that said he was the one that was yet to come.
" The first step you have taken. Navigate the chaos of emotions and thought that have come forth in abundance. Recognize the new level of sensitivity that has arisen. One layer at a time will be taken, each will cause a momentary loss of balance and wisdom, but it will return along with clarity of vision and thought. Be patient Hallena my dark witch."
I lifted a brow from what I knew this shadowed warrior was not a Haruspex but he sure sounded like one, and very few knew the existence of the darker side of me, my expression gave my thoughts away and he merely laughed as he disappeared. "Soon, be patient.. wait. " Though his words left me perplexed and confused. I hated riddles, but oddly enough I did understand on some level as yet another layer was removed from me. I began to look deep within myself for a moment, searching, but what was I searching for. I knew. I was searching for me.
I rode back to the camp and dismounted Eclipse and took him to be wiped down,fed and watered, I took care of the animals that came into my life, I did not call him mine, because like Mist Runner he was a force of nature that was being lent to me, I treasured the gift of him just as I did the other one of light and one of dark, each a part of me. Maybe one day I would find the balance once more. Who knows what may be revealed.
I had gone to the main fires and paused there tossing some sage into the fires, Sahli Lu joined me for a moment but he did not linger, he did not say much, merely Tal. It was different how he spoke to me it was as if it was a distant politeness, the lack of sister was noted. I felt a shroud of sadness drape over me as he walked away. It felt as if I had lost someone close to my heart once again. I was not sure I could take yet another loss or disappointment. Lately I have felt the burden of who and what I am. When there is a great influx of emotion or thought or change, we that are empathic can not block it. It can weigh us down and destroy us.
The plains and skies have taken many from me, the pain of each one just beneath the surface, and today I felt a few of them rise upward beyond the surface, I felt it as I walked towards the stream, before I realized it I was standing in the cool depths and let the energy flow from me creating various images and shadows as I did. They had taken Lochley away in a slow, bloody torturous way, they had taken away three of my children with the steel blade of betrayal,it is worse to have them alive and lost to you than dead and lost to you, the loss of one of my daughters thru my own mistakes was one of the deepest cuts, one I do not think I would ever forgive myself for, the price of love is not always worth it. The loss of yet another daughter because of another whose only concern was a slave. Tanner taken away in an unexpected harsh manner that would cause a ripple of emotions thru more than one, left with the every present question of why. My son Kain lost during the challenge of manhood, so young and so ready to embark on the journey of a warrior, and he did but not in the way he anticipated, and Lochlan taken away in battle protecting those of the tribe, their blood soaks the ground still. And yet he and Cana gave me a grandson, that tempers it but never really fills that loss. Finally, Garyx taken away in an intense blood battle that still haunts me, I see it, I taste it and I feel it. I do not know how men handle these battles,I cannot seem to escape the sounds the scents and the carnage of it. Yet I dare not ask for help because they would think me insane how would a woman know of these things, for we are not in battle, yet I can recount every horrid detail with vivid clarity.
How much more can they take?
Do they think I cannot or do not break, do they not see the chunks taken out of my armor, the blood that seeps slowly and steadily with each disappointment and loss of friend or family. With each one that turns from who and what we are. And now yet another puncture has ripped into that protective shell, cracking it.
Even a rock will shatter with enough force. What will be left will a shiny multifaceted gem be shown or will there be only powdered dust left.
I am not sure I know the answer. Do I even know how to reach out to another to ask for help. I think I have forgotten that grace.
But yet I find a small part of me somewhere hopes for more.
A part of me stretches out a hand to grasp and hold onto another.
Will you take it?
As I let Eclipse run wild and free, I let go of the control of my emotions that for the last turning I have held tight and closed deep within me, with each thunderous,forceful hammer of his hooves upon the ground that would pluck bits of dirt upward to be tossed recklessly in the air , I felt my control slip away. I could feel his muscles contract and release with each movement as he picked up his pace. The force of the wind would weave around me touching my skin with the intensity of a lovers kiss raining over the flesh to awaken and reach deep within to ignite the passionate nature that was suffocating and diminishing, it wove an invisible hand thru my hair tugging at the tightly woven braid, it managed to pluck various silken strands loose.
There was an almost sensual arch to my back as I found myself leaning backwards to let my arms stretch outwards on each side of me with one palm towards the sky and the other towards the ground, I felt the light drizzle of rain over my face as if millions of fingers were gliding over my face and body sending a shiver to ripple thru me from head to toe, within the coolness of the touch I felt the warmth of my tears mingle with the fluid caress, the crest of emotions rose upward like the waves of the thassa in the midst of the storm, I felt the rage of fire course thru my body as if liquid fire were suddenly let loose in an uncontrollable inferno. I could feel the breath rush thru my kailla as I lay back upon him, due to I never use a saddle I could feel my own emotions seem to become a part of him, I heard the snort that rushed passed his teeth and mouth as he raced onward. I let him go where he wished with out stopping him, I felt from deep within me a painful, mournful and primal cry being pulled forth, the force of it left me robbed of breath and thought, the pain of it felt as if millions of blades were slicing thru me, cutting, ripping taking parts of me leaving only a bloody,pulsating pile of flesh.
How long I rode I do not know, I was aware of slowing down and coming to a stop somewhere on the plains. It was not a place known to me. I did not move as Eclipse came to a perfect dead stop, my breath was rapid and ragged as I gazed at the sky. It was then that I saw the shadow of a face, it was not clear, yet it reminded me of the one that had been in a dream or vision a few hands ago, the warrior that spoke to me there. The one that said he was the one that was yet to come.
" The first step you have taken. Navigate the chaos of emotions and thought that have come forth in abundance. Recognize the new level of sensitivity that has arisen. One layer at a time will be taken, each will cause a momentary loss of balance and wisdom, but it will return along with clarity of vision and thought. Be patient Hallena my dark witch."
I lifted a brow from what I knew this shadowed warrior was not a Haruspex but he sure sounded like one, and very few knew the existence of the darker side of me, my expression gave my thoughts away and he merely laughed as he disappeared. "Soon, be patient.. wait. " Though his words left me perplexed and confused. I hated riddles, but oddly enough I did understand on some level as yet another layer was removed from me. I began to look deep within myself for a moment, searching, but what was I searching for. I knew. I was searching for me.
I rode back to the camp and dismounted Eclipse and took him to be wiped down,fed and watered, I took care of the animals that came into my life, I did not call him mine, because like Mist Runner he was a force of nature that was being lent to me, I treasured the gift of him just as I did the other one of light and one of dark, each a part of me. Maybe one day I would find the balance once more. Who knows what may be revealed.
I had gone to the main fires and paused there tossing some sage into the fires, Sahli Lu joined me for a moment but he did not linger, he did not say much, merely Tal. It was different how he spoke to me it was as if it was a distant politeness, the lack of sister was noted. I felt a shroud of sadness drape over me as he walked away. It felt as if I had lost someone close to my heart once again. I was not sure I could take yet another loss or disappointment. Lately I have felt the burden of who and what I am. When there is a great influx of emotion or thought or change, we that are empathic can not block it. It can weigh us down and destroy us.
The plains and skies have taken many from me, the pain of each one just beneath the surface, and today I felt a few of them rise upward beyond the surface, I felt it as I walked towards the stream, before I realized it I was standing in the cool depths and let the energy flow from me creating various images and shadows as I did. They had taken Lochley away in a slow, bloody torturous way, they had taken away three of my children with the steel blade of betrayal,it is worse to have them alive and lost to you than dead and lost to you, the loss of one of my daughters thru my own mistakes was one of the deepest cuts, one I do not think I would ever forgive myself for, the price of love is not always worth it. The loss of yet another daughter because of another whose only concern was a slave. Tanner taken away in an unexpected harsh manner that would cause a ripple of emotions thru more than one, left with the every present question of why. My son Kain lost during the challenge of manhood, so young and so ready to embark on the journey of a warrior, and he did but not in the way he anticipated, and Lochlan taken away in battle protecting those of the tribe, their blood soaks the ground still. And yet he and Cana gave me a grandson, that tempers it but never really fills that loss. Finally, Garyx taken away in an intense blood battle that still haunts me, I see it, I taste it and I feel it. I do not know how men handle these battles,I cannot seem to escape the sounds the scents and the carnage of it. Yet I dare not ask for help because they would think me insane how would a woman know of these things, for we are not in battle, yet I can recount every horrid detail with vivid clarity.
How much more can they take?
Do they think I cannot or do not break, do they not see the chunks taken out of my armor, the blood that seeps slowly and steadily with each disappointment and loss of friend or family. With each one that turns from who and what we are. And now yet another puncture has ripped into that protective shell, cracking it.
Even a rock will shatter with enough force. What will be left will a shiny multifaceted gem be shown or will there be only powdered dust left.
I am not sure I know the answer. Do I even know how to reach out to another to ask for help. I think I have forgotten that grace.
But yet I find a small part of me somewhere hopes for more.
A part of me stretches out a hand to grasp and hold onto another.
Will you take it?
