I had after some time in my self induced isolation hidden under the guise of work and the constant repairs needed of things, left the comfort of my wagons. As I walked to the main fires I wondered of how is it possible to lose yourself. I can actually pinpoint the first time I lost a part of me and I can follow the path to pick up each burden that brought forth even further destruction.
I watch Hallie as she grows and flourishes, I see glimpses of the missing parts of me in her. When I was her age I held that relaxed ease among people, that laughter that could ring thru the air and bring a smile to even the coldest of hearts. The warmth that would flow thru and around me reaching outward to touch people to bring them close, to savor their company and their stories. There are so many things I can almost reach out to touch but yet I can't. It is an odd complexity of things that just never comes truly comes within reach.
The visions of the past few hands and other things weave and dance thru my mind building and unbuilding, rising and falling in odd patterns that I can not quite decipher. Is it possible to bring back what is lost, can you combine it with what is now? If so what does that bring forth and create, if not what does it leave? To many questions with no answers, yet it leaves me wanting... searching.. reaching.. essentially just plain frustrated.
It is as if I stand on the edge of something, but I am not yet sure what it is. It feels like a great discovery that leaves you wanting to explore more and yet also scares you so much that you want to curl up in a ball and hide yourself deep in the womb of the plains.
When I neared the fires, I saw Mezoo, Jaella and Sahli. Mezoo I have grown to care of, but I find myself antsy, waiting for the boot to drop, would something happen to pull her away as Seveya had been. I felt the anxiety of it course thru me and various images floated thru my mind, and I had to grasp them and tie them and tuck them away. "Dont get close to anyone." I heard whispered in my head. Where it came from I am not sure, was it to protect them or me. The answer of course did not surface. I have never been close to Jaella, I never really understood the reasons, but I rarely saw her as she was often with Fonce and Tzuri, and I was not really welcome in those places, that is a history of the past. I do not hold it against her or anyone else, things happen as they do, the reasons not always known. There is still that distance even now, but I suppose it is more of an age thing, most of those around the main fires are the youth of the tribe, ranging in the late teens to early thirties. I find myself unable to identify or relate to them. Things I find interesting they do not and things they do, I am not. They seek new ways I hold to old. Such is the way of life I think. I find myself retreating further and further away. Sometimes it comes to you that it is the time of the young and you have to let them flourish and grow and to find their way. The old fade away and the young step in. It is a bitter pill to swallow, requires an awful lot of water.
I have fought so long for so much, that I have grown to old to know when to lie down. Maybe it is time to lie down.
I did not linger long, it was an odd sensation as if I stepped into something that I was not supposed to as if I interupted. Maybe I begin to see some of the reasons older ones are not at the fires. As I said, maybe. As I went to leave Sahli asked to speak to me, I would never deny anyone such, so I lingered I listened, and in truth I wish I would have just kept on going.
"I think I will be leaving the harriga for a time".
I watch Hallie as she grows and flourishes, I see glimpses of the missing parts of me in her. When I was her age I held that relaxed ease among people, that laughter that could ring thru the air and bring a smile to even the coldest of hearts. The warmth that would flow thru and around me reaching outward to touch people to bring them close, to savor their company and their stories. There are so many things I can almost reach out to touch but yet I can't. It is an odd complexity of things that just never comes truly comes within reach.
The visions of the past few hands and other things weave and dance thru my mind building and unbuilding, rising and falling in odd patterns that I can not quite decipher. Is it possible to bring back what is lost, can you combine it with what is now? If so what does that bring forth and create, if not what does it leave? To many questions with no answers, yet it leaves me wanting... searching.. reaching.. essentially just plain frustrated.
It is as if I stand on the edge of something, but I am not yet sure what it is. It feels like a great discovery that leaves you wanting to explore more and yet also scares you so much that you want to curl up in a ball and hide yourself deep in the womb of the plains.
When I neared the fires, I saw Mezoo, Jaella and Sahli. Mezoo I have grown to care of, but I find myself antsy, waiting for the boot to drop, would something happen to pull her away as Seveya had been. I felt the anxiety of it course thru me and various images floated thru my mind, and I had to grasp them and tie them and tuck them away. "Dont get close to anyone." I heard whispered in my head. Where it came from I am not sure, was it to protect them or me. The answer of course did not surface. I have never been close to Jaella, I never really understood the reasons, but I rarely saw her as she was often with Fonce and Tzuri, and I was not really welcome in those places, that is a history of the past. I do not hold it against her or anyone else, things happen as they do, the reasons not always known. There is still that distance even now, but I suppose it is more of an age thing, most of those around the main fires are the youth of the tribe, ranging in the late teens to early thirties. I find myself unable to identify or relate to them. Things I find interesting they do not and things they do, I am not. They seek new ways I hold to old. Such is the way of life I think. I find myself retreating further and further away. Sometimes it comes to you that it is the time of the young and you have to let them flourish and grow and to find their way. The old fade away and the young step in. It is a bitter pill to swallow, requires an awful lot of water.
I have fought so long for so much, that I have grown to old to know when to lie down. Maybe it is time to lie down.
I did not linger long, it was an odd sensation as if I stepped into something that I was not supposed to as if I interupted. Maybe I begin to see some of the reasons older ones are not at the fires. As I said, maybe. As I went to leave Sahli asked to speak to me, I would never deny anyone such, so I lingered I listened, and in truth I wish I would have just kept on going.
"I think I will be leaving the harriga for a time".
As the words flowed from his mouth I felt myself falling further into the darky abyss. I felt my body tense, I was not hearing this, I wanted to deny it, but it was there he spoke it, I felt it. The vibration of his words wrapped about me. Why? He had only just returned and now he wants to leave, this just floored me, was this yet another sign to heed . His next words, as much as I tried to tell him not to leave that it was not true, I found myself understanding them, which is maybe why it upset me as much as it did.
"Many reasons I suppose... but more importantly because the winds are telling me that I should not linger too long. I am not the same as all of them...they know it"
I told him that this was his home where he belonged, why would he be the same, werent we all different? None of us are the same, he is tuchuk, this is where he belongs. The next words he spoke I even further understood and related to perhaps in a way he did not even know, in fact I know he doesn't.
"Home is a place you are wanted... I am not wanted here. Those I counted as friends have a made that clear. "
Now that upset me, who would tell him such and yet call themselves a freind, that was wrong, and it surely was not who we were, but wait,. I have seen this and felt it myself, but I couldn't let him know these things, I had to make him see that this is where he belonged, with the tuchuk, with the tribe. I think I failed. Not only him but myself..
Yet another sign.
"Its not said.. its felt. It's silence when I come around. It's not seeing people in sometimes who are important to me. I know you were away I am not talking of you. I think that I will head to the northernlands.. where the spirits are."
I asked him to not walk away from tribe, to give it time, to not walk away from those that care.
He got angry with me. And I was not happy with him, how could he just walk away when he just returned?
I felt yet another loss, another sorrow ,another pain.
All is truly lost if those that just returned seek to leave. I left the fires feeling the powerful urge to destroy something, anything or anyone. I felt that side of me I controlled surging and rolling to the surface.
I need to let it out, no one ever lets me let it out. Perhaps that is a good thing. If I did could I reign the dark witch back in. It is a power I rarely reveal in fact I have not since my return to the plains. For a spex to know the enemy they must walk on both the light and dark sides, it is a balancing act, for many turnings before my return I lived and breathed and embraced that dark side. I pushed it deep down within me controlling it and hiding it.
Which part of me do I embrace?
What does all of this mean? Where do I go for the answers. Who do I seek for guidance.
Silence.
Well, as if I really expected an answer. Actually, yes I did.
"Many reasons I suppose... but more importantly because the winds are telling me that I should not linger too long. I am not the same as all of them...they know it"
I told him that this was his home where he belonged, why would he be the same, werent we all different? None of us are the same, he is tuchuk, this is where he belongs. The next words he spoke I even further understood and related to perhaps in a way he did not even know, in fact I know he doesn't.
"Home is a place you are wanted... I am not wanted here. Those I counted as friends have a made that clear. "
Now that upset me, who would tell him such and yet call themselves a freind, that was wrong, and it surely was not who we were, but wait,. I have seen this and felt it myself, but I couldn't let him know these things, I had to make him see that this is where he belonged, with the tuchuk, with the tribe. I think I failed. Not only him but myself..
Yet another sign.
"Its not said.. its felt. It's silence when I come around. It's not seeing people in sometimes who are important to me. I know you were away I am not talking of you. I think that I will head to the northernlands.. where the spirits are."
I asked him to not walk away from tribe, to give it time, to not walk away from those that care.
He got angry with me. And I was not happy with him, how could he just walk away when he just returned?
I felt yet another loss, another sorrow ,another pain.
All is truly lost if those that just returned seek to leave. I left the fires feeling the powerful urge to destroy something, anything or anyone. I felt that side of me I controlled surging and rolling to the surface.
I need to let it out, no one ever lets me let it out. Perhaps that is a good thing. If I did could I reign the dark witch back in. It is a power I rarely reveal in fact I have not since my return to the plains. For a spex to know the enemy they must walk on both the light and dark sides, it is a balancing act, for many turnings before my return I lived and breathed and embraced that dark side. I pushed it deep down within me controlling it and hiding it.
Which part of me do I embrace?
What does all of this mean? Where do I go for the answers. Who do I seek for guidance.
Silence.
Well, as if I really expected an answer. Actually, yes I did.
