Thursday, June 4, 2009

To return once more to the fold. . to explore the questions and thoughts of enslavement


When the moons hung low and seemed to kiss the ground I walked thru the grasses to gather various plants that only bloom beneath the erotic kiss of the moons. I am very careful in what I gather, when and how. There is a certain sacredness to it, I have learned thru trial by fire so to speak to never disrespect that, for when you do, then the spell, the oil or whatever it is you are using the plants for, it will fail or will not be potent. I think I did that one more than once before I finally grasped the importance of it. There is no doubt, I have to learn the hard way, pulverize the brain, and draw a little blood before that little light in the mind goes. Oh yea. I got it. You can stop now I finally got it. thing is.. it never seems to stop.

I gathered only what was needed, and then made my way back towards the plains. As I walked in the quiet of the night, my thoughts were drawn to Cana, of her fears and concerns, I wish I had the magic words to make everything perfect, but unfortunately I do not, there is no magic or knowledge that will alter what she feels until Ba'atar is safely back in her arms. Her pain it rips thru me sometimes at unexpected moments, the intensity of it can bring me to my knees.

Very few know of my empathic abilities, not because I hide them, but I just don't talk of them. I rarely volunteer anything. If I am asked things I answer them honestly, which is why I warn people be sure you really want to know. Because if you do not then do not ask me. I am rather blunt and to the point, I can give you the in your face honesty, the honesty that comes with the sharpness of a blade or I can give you the gentle honesty, it all depends on who you are, why you want to know , how you ask it and what you will do with it.

As I neared my wagons, I felt myself teetering on edge, the reason is not entirely clear to me. There are things in the air that float and twist that tease and torment, giving just a glimpse of things and yet not enough to know what or for who. I made a promise to Cana, and my word is binding, because anyone that knows me knows I will not promise lightly and I am careful in what I promise and to who. Only once in my life have I not been able to keep a promise, I have since that time endeavored to not repeat that mistake, the feeling you get from it is way to painful, as least to me it is. To others breaking a promise is as easy and as unimportant as slipping a boot off and tossing it across a wagon. I promised if anything happened I would take care of my grandson, and she revealed where each child was to be, I had to promise to watch over all of them regardless of who was raising them. I would give her this peace of mind, although as I told her, she is not going anywhere any time soon, the shadows do not call her name. Just as I made her promise if anything happens to me she will take care of Hallie and Arkus although they are at the age where they pretty much take care of themselves, but they are young and need guidance. My youngest son, will be under the care of my father, but I would like for her to also keep an eye on him. She of course says the same thing , nothing will happen to me.

Eventually it will. It will for each and every one of us.

I would after laying out the plants to dry make my way towards the main fire, it was quiet, which was the usual, I have not seen quite a few for some time. To my surprise Sahli Lu neared, it was a pleasant surprise, I have not seen him in a few turnings, however, there was something weighing heavy upon him. He is one of the few that call me Sister and mean it, I understand his use of it, and it means much to me now just as it did a few turnings ago. He spoke of his shame and that he did not think he was welcome at the first fires. I had to look at him as if he had two heads, had he lost his mind. Why would he think this. So I asked. The answer I did not expect, he spoke of being ashamed that he could not do his duty. He spoke of how Tzuri had spoken to Jaella and that she wanted Jaella to go with her, I have often wondered what happened to a few, a few pieces were coming together. He did not want them to go anywhere and he would not give his blessing or permission, however, one morning when he woke up, Jaella and Tzuri were both gone. He had gone to search for them but never found them. I listened to his thoughts.

Then I gave my own, he had nothing to be ashamed of, he had a right at the first fires as much as any of the new prospects,in fact maybe even more so. He had already proven himself before, when Fonce was Ubar. I did suggest he find Ayguili and speak with him, as far as his duty, he was not remiss, he told the women no, if they took it upon themselves to leave then that was something that would be for them to take responsibility for not him, he had no burden or shame to carry for it was not his fault, add the fact he went to look for them, I could not see how he would feel dishonored.

I spoke to him for a while on many things, I have enjoyed the discussions. Though the one of how Arigh was bold enough to accost him and put her hands in his pants to touch him while he was mated to another woman,this just floored me, he mentioned this as he sought to understand slaves and women who had the hearts of slaves. He spoke of a warrior that laughed at him and said he was afraid of women, I do not think this did much for his self esteem, I assured him that what the young woman did, was considered by most men an invitation for a collar and the fact that she tried to tell him that he wanted her when he clearly loved Jaella, well that blew my mind, it troubled him and he spoke of the hurt his woman felt when he told her. I could understand that, but I assured him that he was very much a man and warrior. One that held honor, he was intelligent and very much a tuchuk. I think I was able to help him but I was not really sure.

As we talked he asked me a question one I was not expecting but it was one of the innocence he still had about him. Had I ever been a slave. That caught me off guard, I am not used to anyone asking any in depth real questions, most simply ask the mundane, over rated, how are you questions. Ones that are really just a politeness, they held no depth and did not really want to get into the nitty gritty of who you are as a person.
Outside of my family and my oldest friend Ari, only one other knew of this.. Fonce knew because I offered it to him when he had collared Tzuri and was searching for answers when it came to how he felt of her. I offered it to help him to understand a few things, thankfully he did not judge me for it. But I was asked and I would answer,thankfully no one was around to over hear the conversation.

I answered truthfully, yes at one time in my life I was enslaved, it is a long complicated story that I really didn't feel the need to go into every convoluted detail, I shared it was by one that was my mate, one I loved and thought loved me, I did something stupid without really having a full understanding or comprehension of the consequence. I had a misconception of a few things when it came to men being your mate. And that consequence was far reaching and destructive. What no one could know is that I understood why Tzuri had submitted to Fonce,with painful clarity, a woman when in love will do everything and anything for that love. Not all women mind you, but there are some that will give up everything and sacrifice much to prove that love, I did it, but it did not end well.

I shared with him the pain of watching my father turn away from me and stating he had no daughter, that is the only time I have ever seen disappointment in my fathers eyes and a pain so deep that it cut down into the soul of a man, that pain seared me and nearly killed me, this surprised Sahli, I do not think he realizes that when a woman submits she gives up her name, her life, her family her clan, she is nothing, she is only what the man deems her worthy to be. I went thru a lot of humiliation, pain, hurt and a gambit of emotions back then,I learned the other side of slaves and the things that go on, I saw a side that gives me a greater insight of slaves, and because of it,or should I say because of one, I found do not trust a slave even when you are one, because you will find a knife in your back in a heartbeat. I learned the dances and serves and all that things that come with it, including the fact that my emotions and thoughts were no longer my own, and that I had to do anything that was commanded. I do not think anyone knows how hard and humiliating it is to have to serve your best friend and watch as the man you love flirts with her and then treats you like dirt beneath his boot, it was an eye opening experience in many ways. And yet while I did this to survive it was very evident I never had a slaves heart, why, simply because it was not who I was or even who I am. He did realize me after a short period of time for I think he realized that essentially it was killing me in the literal sense, a spex can not be a spex when enslaved, it is impossible and it was killing me day by day, ahn by ahn. It is not something I could explain.

I was glad when I left that part of my life behind, but yet until his death I would often offer thoughts for him to the winds. There was a bond there no matter what had happened between us. I knew that Sahli Lu would not speak of this to anyone else so I knew that out side of my father, Chay, Fonce and now Sahli Lu there was no way for anyone to know of it, the only others that did are dead. So it was a part of me that I protected for the obvious reasons.

It is not something I would recommend to any woman doing unless she was truly a slave in her heart and that she was ready to accept the consequence of it. For it is life altering and changing, there are some free women that are truly slaves in their hearts and as long as they try to live in the facade of being free they will never find peace and happiness.

My heart felt for Sahli and all he was feeling, but I had the faith in him that good things would come to him, I think he doubts this. But I feel it will happen. He is more of a man than he realizes, granted young, and a bit naive of some things but he will grow into himself.

Now there is this kite he wishes to teach me of, I am intrigued, it is almost is if I can feel the child within itching and scratching to get out.

What is beneath the surface?

What is even deeper if I dig and remove all the layers. What would I find. Who would I find?