As the air becomes laden with the viscosity of rumors, truths,semi-truths, lies and manipulations I find myself retreating further and further into the circle of my wagons, cutting myself off and detaching myself from everyone. Mostly to observe and feel what is truly going on along with the fact that disappointments in people are to painful to me, the wounds of old reopened to be raw, bloody and pulsating and burning and spasming as if someone poured salt into the sensitive, tattered flesh. I see some of the younger ones doing what others have done leaving me with a sense of deja vu. I almost want to hold on tight and say here we go again.
Rumors are in abundance, I take much with a grain of salt, I learned long ago to believe only half of what you see and even less of what you hear, to know the truth you have to know how to see and hear. Where to focus when someone speaks or reveals things for when you know where to look you will always be able to reach thru the veils that obscure. Many present a good facade of this ability but they do not possess it, in fact it takes little skill to know what to say to a person to know what they want and of how and when to manipulate them, I have watched this done time and time again. And I am sure I will do so again.
And so again I see history repeat itself. Same game, different faces.
In fact, it is so exact that it disturbs me, there are to many coincidences lately that I cannot ignore. It is enough to illicit only silence from me. However, I do not care for this sense of deja vu. I have yet to speak or reveal my thoughts or feelings. It is doubtful I will. Who would I confide in.
The first rumor to reach my ears by words was that Seveya submitted to Fonce. Surely I had heard that wrong, I thought this until I left the cocoon of my wagons and indeed found out from others of the tribe that this was in fact true. She did. Now that took me back a step or two. I have thoughts on this, but I will not speak of them, simply because I do not have enough information to formulate any true thought because I do not have all the facts. Other than how she was seen by others and unfortunately when in the main arena of the fires and streams there are no secrets, to many slaves hear and to many others walk by to see and hear, especially when loud voices carry across the plains. I have mixed thoughts on this for many reasons, none of which anyone would guess perhaps maybe Fonce if he remembers things we had in the past spoken of, and of a few things I shared with him in confidence,Garyx would have known, and understood the duality of my thoughts. A few will make assumptions, incorrectly as is often the case.
I am disappointed in her but not for the reasons anyone would expect. I was disappointed prior to this event, because of certain behaviors I noticed, these things hurt me deeper than she or others will know, simply because I saw more in her. More than I should have and it is my fault for allowing myself to care, it is not a mistake I will repeat, it will be a long time if ever, that I allow another close to my heart like that. I will have to have Ayguili or someone retrieve my mothers nose ring from her, she was to wear it only until healed and pick a new one. She has not done such, and she no longer has the respect or trust required to have the honor of wearing it. I do not think to retrieve it because she submitted to a warrior, but because it is time for her to pick out one that is her own that speaks to her, this was to only allow for the healing. Maybe one day she will figure them out why a couple of us are disappointed.
I do not think she understands that with me the moment in my eyes that you put yourself and wants over the needs of tribe is the day I will step back from you. It takes a very, very long time to earn any trust or respect back, if ever. And I have gone head to head and toe to toe with Ubars that have done such, with warriors and others that have been around. I will never waver on this and I will never bow down to the dictates of others that the old ways are to be lost. No matter how many others do. I will never compromise myself when it comes to being a tuchuk and of being the part of the tribe, others may rip down the old ways and traditions but they forget it is those very things that built the foundation of the tuchuk and made us who we are. To let go of them is to let go of being a part of the plains. I will not do such.
To do so is to simply be a dweller on the plains. I am not such and I certainly hope others are not.
Do I understand what she did, yes, in fact far more than anyone would realize it. Would I support it, that is not my place to say yes or not to, nor could I even begin to try to do so. I can only say a person carves out their own path in life .
Right or wrong..
We make choices in everything and in those choices we must accept the consequence. I am sure she is finding this out. Though I think it is fortunate that it was Fonce any other man would have killed her. I know my own father would have let lose his temper and had her begging for death. I know this of him as a fact from having seen such over the turnings, my father has mellowed, there was a time when a mere look caused a warrior to nearly piss his leathers because Kamchak was not nice, he was not lenient, he was hard, harsh, cruel and would not think twice about killing you. Few know that he whipped me to the point that I bled, that it took healers days to take care of me, he is unforgiving in many things when it comes to people, to tribe, to family and to what is acceptable and what is not. And he will not accept less even from his own daughter, and there was a time he wanted to kill me, he came close to it. I think only the fact that I was of his blood is what stayed his hand. Although he did have to stop Chay. So do I understand, most definitely in a very real painful way. I understand the mixture of feelings and the sense of loss and pain that comes from making the choice. But yet I will remain silent on it. I will not volunteer my thoughts or share them, no one can say they heard me speak of anything, because they have not.
I have heard another rumor of Karveks actions, I have thoughts on this, Ulric mentioned that the rumors spread are far worse than what occurred,, to many stories going around that I have to scratch my head, did he beat her? Did he abuse her for ahns on end or what was it exactly only two know the truth of that. Anyone else is a third party getting word of mouth and the problem with telling the stories is that things are added and changed. And perceptions of things are colored when emotions are involved not only in the delivery of things but the receipt of them. Was he wrong or right. I think that unless someone is in his boots can they judge and can they answer this. This is a warrior of a passionate nature who has seen his only blood surviving relative become a slave, what man is not going to lose their cool. Can they know what he felt or saw unless they have done the same or were in his place. Not likely.. So let those that have no flaw cast the first stone.
What Karvek did was nothing compared to what I have seen other warriors do. And these things I have seen by ubars and warriors of great reputation and respect, now that is not saying Fonce is not these things, for I do hold respect for him, he has earned it. Not easily but he has. I know that he could do these things if he chose to, I have seen the ripple of something within him that if he let go of it may well have devastating effects.. But Seveya made a choice and somehow I doubt she made it without thought, now unless anyone can stand in her shoes can they judge or speak without knowing what it is that drives a woman at times. No, they cannot, that does not mean I would be a friend or treat her as a free woman, because once you submit, you are a slave, it is known that if you have the ways of a slave you are one even without a brand or collar. To me she would not be Seveya, that woman would be gone, you lose everything and everyone the moment you submit this is the harsh reality of enslavement even if others think otherwise. She would be a slave with all that it means and entails and no free woman would allow themselves to be friends with a slave, a true tuchuk and free woman would follow the ways of Gor. Again I say if she was a slave. For I have heard she was freed. I think that the rumor mill is making my head spin.
Some have implied that Karvek lost his mind, I do not think so, but I do think he is lost in that river of anger that each of us of very passionate natures find ourselves in. I have seen more than a few warriors get into this state, and if I am not mistaken there was a time that even Fonce himself has been on the edge if not in the murky depths. So for others to judge without all the facts, it is wrong of them. For anyone to be involved in this situation other than Karvek, Fonce, Seveya and Ayguili it is also wrong. Those that speak of things they should not will find that it will come to bite them in the ass. It is no ones place to sit in judgement. I may not approve of what she did or has been doing, but that is her path and her burden not mine. But I can relate to it and I know some of the consequences that come out of it. It is a risk she has taken.
I have also heard of a warrior that seems to be accepted by everyone because he claims to be of the outer wagons, yet I have not heard the word of the drummers stating the ubar has granted him a place as a prospect at the first fires, nor have I heard he is a guest, so why is this warrior being allowed to roam about and act as if he is tribe when he is not. I have heard rumor that a certain woman has spent a lot of time with him, now should she not know better, he is not part of the tribe so why would you welcome him with open arms, why does he not have to be treated as others of the outer wagons have been, each had to earn their place, they were not at the fires without permission from the Ubar, and no prospect was opened with welcome arms I seem to recall words from this very same woman of how prospects were treated and yet is she not doing what she accused others of, are not others doing the same. Or is that only directed towards certain women? It comes to my mind that I have to ask again where have the tuchuks gone?
That may be why he only is around certain people of the tribe, ones who wont speak up and challenge him, but then I hear when you do, he gets the warrior attitude and tries to make women think they are to be seen and not heard, let the little urt try that shit with me, because I can promise I will unman him very quickly and very effectively.
That is the thing with rumors they spread very quickly about many things, and you have to sit and ask what is true and what is not, then you have to ask, is it not the ways of dwellers to speak with forked tongues like ost's.. That is not the way of a tuchuk.
