Life ebbs and flows. . .

I had spent several ahns sitting with Cana, something told me that Fonce needed me there physically with her, I do not know why I thought this or if it was even correct, but it was a strong feeling, one I could not ignore. My hand would hold hers as my eyes closed, I would just sit there like a conduit in a manner of speaking. I had to restrain myself on a few levels. Whatever the two of them needed I would give them as they needed it and when.

It was quite a few ahns later I would leave her and to check on her children, ensuring they were fed I knew that Chay and my children would help, and I was not surprised to see both Arkus and Hallie there entertaining and feeding them I would sit with them for a short while, listening to the stories. Tug sat next to me and I hugged him gently, I remember when he was born in fact I can recall all of their births a few I even had a hand in. I listened to the adventures of the day. I considered each of them my grandchildren, I know only one is by blood, but they are each special to me, and each had a place in my heart, I would protect them with my life, Cana knew this which is why they were where they are.

When it was time for them to get ready for bed, Hallie was all ready to tell them a story and to my amazement off they all went to hear it, I would take the twins and help bathe them and play with them until they were worn out and ready to sleep. Then I would walk towards the healers, I knew I needed to get my arm looked at, but somehow I made a detour to the main fire, procured some black wine and sat down on one of the wagon steps. Nothing like delaying the journey.

Tasco was there sleeping, I had to smile as I watched Yamka try to sneak up on him, he told her she creeped very loudly. For some time I watched the interaction between the two, they seemed to enjoy each other. Now it seemed to me that something was flowing between them, a spark. The healer Ongel joined us. I sat there for a while not moving much, in fact I was sitting very still, mostly because I was in a great deal of pain and also because I was going over much in my mind, the situation with Cana, wondering what Fonce would do and wanting to be able to help them both thru this. It was when I felt the gaze of the healer, somehow he must have caught the stillness and was looking to see if I was injured, I recognized the assessing look.

I asked him to look at my arm, I knew something was not right, I could feel it, I just couldn't get to it. I am sure the shock of me asking a healer to help me would be heard and felt and I wouldn't be able to live it down. Of course I had to ask questions, testing him, seeing if he knew what he was doing, I didn't let on the extent of my knowledge, but I was testing him. He found the wood that was lodged in the flesh, I am not sure if he stitched it or if he didn't, I was focusing on not moving and whining like a baby about the pain. I have a fair tolerance to pain and that hurt almost as bad as a cauterizing iron. He said something about not stitching it yet, as it would scar, that small scar would be nothing to the few that already adorn me, the scars of a snow larl, a larl and a tharlarian still decorate me along with a few from assorted arrows and a bolt. I am definitely not pretty undressed, I look better with clothing. Add the markings of my hands and feet and the spex mark. Well, I guess one could say I am a quirky bit of canvas. Definitely would scar even the most courageous of warriors.

He did not do bad, I will have to give him credit. A few things I wasn't impressed with but for the most part he knew what he was doing, he had a good technique and manner and that says much to me. Afterwards I would go and check on Cana and then retire to my wagons to try and rest.

It was the next day I would find out that damn healer would in a not so subtle way pick up on one of my tricks.

The only thing worse than a warrior that is a healer... is one that is observant and catches things others miss.

What is even worse?

I actually listened.. isn't that rather scary.

The powers that be speak.. or should I say yell.

I had returned to the main camp and then to my wagons, I had changed into something dry,afterwards I found some black wine and I sat by the fire I had burning there, sage and herbs wafted into the air as I kept the fires fed, it was something I have done since I can remember. I had not yet moved them back into the usual circle. I was still contemplating it, though my plans seem to be delayed a bit by a few things.

As if often the way the powers that be tend to interfere with a perfectly laid out good plan.

So, here I sit with my bowl of black wine feeling the warmth of the bowl flow thru the flesh, I study the dark brew within its confines, various images filter thru the dark liquid. One was of Cana and what she was going thru, I knew what she had been, I have protected her children as I promised I would. I know it will give her peace of mind and she needs that. I had stopped to check on her and as much as I wanted to rush in to reach in and help her I stopped, I felt something gently tug at my mind, I knew to listen.

I moved to sit by her side she was unmoving, I could see the worry of others, I gently touched her forehead and held her hand, somewhere I knew that she knew I was there, I would sit with her for ahns at a time, but I did not reach in and pull her out. There were a few reasons, the mother in me wanted to rush in like a raging, bosk bull and pull her back. The Haruspex in me wanted to blast everything away from her and free her to return. But I did none of these things. I did purify the wagon with some sage, and I placed various things in her wagon, I knew that Fonce would understand what I did, it was just enough to be there for them both, but not enough to interfere. While I may be an Elder and I may even be able to do things he has yet to learn, there is that part of me, perhaps it is as an Elder of the clan, a friend or maybe even the mother in me wanted to see him step into himself and do what I knew turnings ago he could do even if he does not yet know it himself, this is why I am not doing anything. I heard the voice him my head speak softly . I have faith in him and I know that the daughter of my heart is safe in his hands. I trust in him and the clan to know what is right.

That does not mean I am not chomping at the bit to do something, because of course I am, I was never good at idle, that is why I find things to do, it keeps me from people, as I know the surface of me is still raw, bleeding and very sensitivities. When I am in that phase of emergence I know that I can snap with jaws of steel, and cut with razor sharp blades in a heartbeat, without thought or control. The answer is to keep myself to myself. That takes some getting used to because I am having to learn how to do things alone again. Even after all this time, I just can't get used to it, a part of me hopes the visions and things I have seen are not just flights of fancy. I have to hold on to hope that there is more in life waiting for me. Though the warriors face is always shadowed I can never see him clear, I really hate that, why not just show me who he is so that I know, but that would be to easy, they give just enough hints. Strange though how does he know my name, he did not use the name most call me and know me by, and why in combination with that darker part of me, what does it mean.


I could sit and guess all night but I wont I have decisions to make, the dark one is out there, the one who hovers and plays a game of urt and larl, coming and going, I am aware, yet I let her think I am not, I am learning more of this one that has a power that is greater than three of our most powerful together. I already know to seek her out alone is a death wish. But I have never feared death I have nearly embraced it twice in my life. But maybe now isn't the time, and my brother seems to be deep within something, in a place I cannot reach him.

I needed to work on one of my wagons and I sat down the bowl of black wine and moved to begin some of the minor repairs I could do, I would climb up as far as I could and reach across to remove some of the winding plants that I have growing around it, I am not sure what exactly happened, I heard Cana's voice in my head and intensity and shock of it was enough that I lost my balance, not that it would take much, I was sort of doing more than I should but it did need done. I heard the sound of things falling, ripping and breaking and the next thing I knew the ground was meeting my backside with a very hard thud, there was a pain in my arm and I lay there for a moment. Ignoring what I felt and focusing on the energy I felt, she needed me to take care of her children, that was a given in my mind, but I would ensure she knew that I would. After a few moments that strange,disorienting sensation evaporated and I slowly sat up, I could move my arm, my fingers, it hurt like hell,but I knew nothing was broken, reaching back I felt the warmth of my blood, okay, I cut myself, wonderful. It was in one of those hard to reach spots that I couldn't fix myself, go figure. One of the few times I would have to seek out a healer. Great.

I felt the wood and I removed it and went to clean the arm off as best as I could, now don't I wish I were just a bit more flexible than I am. Right now I felt like a contortionist. I bandaged it and then went to finish doing what I needed to do. Slowly I moved my wagons back in the circle, muttering a bit under my breath, "Fine, I get it already, I am listening, and for the record you are not funny."

I swear I thought I heard laughter in the winds, for now I would stay put. But I did not venture to the fires, I would spend time at my wagons working and at the clan fires, and then I would take turns sitting with Cana until Fonce was able to do what he needed to, everything happened as it should and when it should. At least, that is what I am telling myself.

A few days later I made my way towards the main fires,I sat as I watched and listened, Ash requested that Ayguili allow him to claim Silk, now while not really surprised, I actually was that he went about it that fast, but, you have to give the man credit to know what he wants and takes it. There were various reactions about the fire, but I have to say that for the first time in a long time she looked relaxed and happy, perhaps even at peace. Love will grow in time, the seeds are already planted.

Still I went about my days working and taking care of things, helping with Cana and also taking care of her children, I have them staying with me at my wagons until she awakens, my arm though I noticed was more painful, as I ran my finger over it I could feel it was hot, not a good sign, I knew that it was infected, something was stuck in it causing the body to react and fight it, great, just what I needed. Definitely needed to find one of those sadistic healers.

Another layer removed..

One thing about riding something fast and hard is. It releases a great deal of energy. And it was partially what I needed. After all I rarely do anything slow and easy.

As I let Eclipse run wild and free, I let go of the control of my emotions that for the last turning I have held tight and closed deep within me, with each thunderous,forceful hammer of his hooves upon the ground that would pluck bits of dirt upward to be tossed recklessly in the air , I felt my control slip away. I could feel his muscles contract and release with each movement as he picked up his pace. The force of the wind would weave around me touching my skin with the intensity of a lovers kiss raining over the flesh to awaken and reach deep within to ignite the passionate nature that was suffocating and diminishing, it wove an invisible hand thru my hair tugging at the tightly woven braid, it managed to pluck various silken strands loose.

There was an almost sensual arch to my back as I found myself leaning backwards to let my arms stretch outwards on each side of me with one palm towards the sky and the other towards the ground, I felt the light drizzle of rain over my face as if millions of fingers were gliding over my face and body sending a shiver to ripple thru me from head to toe, within the coolness of the touch I felt the warmth of my tears mingle with the fluid caress, the crest of emotions rose upward like the waves of the thassa in the midst of the storm, I felt the rage of fire course thru my body as if liquid fire were suddenly let loose in an uncontrollable inferno. I could feel the breath rush thru my kailla as I lay back upon him, due to I never use a saddle I could feel my own emotions seem to become a part of him, I heard the snort that rushed passed his teeth and mouth as he raced onward. I let him go where he wished with out stopping him, I felt from deep within me a painful, mournful and primal cry being pulled forth, the force of it left me robbed of breath and thought, the pain of it felt as if millions of blades were slicing thru me, cutting, ripping taking parts of me leaving only a bloody,pulsating pile of flesh.

How long I rode I do not know, I was aware of slowing down and coming to a stop somewhere on the plains. It was not a place known to me. I did not move as Eclipse came to a perfect dead stop, my breath was rapid and ragged as I gazed at the sky. It was then that I saw the shadow of a face, it was not clear, yet it reminded me of the one that had been in a dream or vision a few hands ago, the warrior that spoke to me there. The one that said he was the one that was yet to come.

" The first step you have taken. Navigate the chaos of emotions and thought that have come forth in abundance. Recognize the new level of sensitivity that has arisen. One layer at a time will be taken, each will cause a momentary loss of balance and wisdom, but it will return along with clarity of vision and thought. Be patient Hallena my dark witch."

I lifted a brow from what I knew this shadowed warrior was not a Haruspex but he sure sounded like one, and very few knew the existence of the darker side of me, my expression gave my thoughts away and he merely laughed as he disappeared. "Soon, be patient.. wait. " Though his words left me perplexed and confused. I hated riddles, but oddly enough I did understand on some level as yet another layer was removed from me. I began to look deep within myself for a moment, searching, but what was I searching for. I knew. I was searching for me.

I rode back to the camp and dismounted Eclipse and took him to be wiped down,fed and watered, I took care of the animals that came into my life, I did not call him mine, because like Mist Runner he was a force of nature that was being lent to me, I treasured the gift of him just as I did the other one of light and one of dark, each a part of me. Maybe one day I would find the balance once more. Who knows what may be revealed.

I had gone to the main fires and paused there tossing some sage into the fires, Sahli Lu joined me for a moment but he did not linger, he did not say much, merely Tal. It was different how he spoke to me it was as if it was a distant politeness, the lack of sister was noted. I felt a shroud of sadness drape over me as he walked away. It felt as if I had lost someone close to my heart once again. I was not sure I could take yet another loss or disappointment. Lately I have felt the burden of who and what I am. When there is a great influx of emotion or thought or change, we that are empathic can not block it. It can weigh us down and destroy us.

The plains and skies have taken many from me, the pain of each one just beneath the surface, and today I felt a few of them rise upward beyond the surface, I felt it as I walked towards the stream, before I realized it I was standing in the cool depths and let the energy flow from me creating various images and shadows as I did. They had taken Lochley away in a slow, bloody torturous way, they had taken away three of my children with the steel blade of betrayal,it is worse to have them alive and lost to you than dead and lost to you, the loss of one of my daughters thru my own mistakes was one of the deepest cuts, one I do not think I would ever forgive myself for, the price of love is not always worth it. The loss of yet another daughter because of another whose only concern was a slave. Tanner taken away in an unexpected harsh manner that would cause a ripple of emotions thru more than one, left with the every present question of why. My son Kain lost during the challenge of manhood, so young and so ready to embark on the journey of a warrior, and he did but not in the way he anticipated, and Lochlan taken away in battle protecting those of the tribe, their blood soaks the ground still. And yet he and Cana gave me a grandson, that tempers it but never really fills that loss. Finally, Garyx taken away in an intense blood battle that still haunts me, I see it, I taste it and I feel it. I do not know how men handle these battles,I cannot seem to escape the sounds the scents and the carnage of it. Yet I dare not ask for help because they would think me insane how would a woman know of these things, for we are not in battle, yet I can recount every horrid detail with vivid clarity.

How much more can they take?

Do they think I cannot or do not break, do they not see the chunks taken out of my armor, the blood that seeps slowly and steadily with each disappointment and loss of friend or family. With each one that turns from who and what we are. And now yet another puncture has ripped into that protective shell, cracking it.

Even a rock will shatter with enough force. What will be left will a shiny multifaceted gem be shown or will there be only powdered dust left.

I am not sure I know the answer. Do I even know how to reach out to another to ask for help. I think I have forgotten that grace.

But yet I find a small part of me somewhere hopes for more.

A part of me stretches out a hand to grasp and hold onto another.

Will you take it?

Spirits revealed.. directions revealed.. or obscured. .

It felt as if I had been lost in the haze of darkness and the veil of obscurity for a few turnings instead of a few days. Voices would penetrate the invisible walls shouting, ranting, raving and each one salivated with deep base negative emotions. Most times I can separate but I felt myself being drawn in, pulled in and held captive within the energy, it drained me, it sucked the life out of me and it confused my mind and seemed to devour every part of me. It was like watching someone slice me open and my blood would pool and coagulate around me as if taunting me that it was now free. A strange sensation.

Somewhere in there I heard a familiar voice, it held the tone of one searching, slowly it reached in and grabbed me. Calling to me, beckoning me to hear, to fight free of the liquid evil that was spreading and enveloping me, though I could not respond, I was not in control. Then the familiar string of curses and an infuriated energy burst thru like a jolt of lightening, commanding and authoritative. Something stirred.

Slowly I felt myself being released and I slowly returned to myself and opened my eyes, the grasses were flowing around me and when I looked I noticed the blood on my hands and I felt my breath rush inward in a sudden gasp. And then it was gone. I had to shake my head for a moment. Eventually I made my way to my wagons there I hibernated, resting and thinking of many things. I felt that unease and edge return, the restlessness that often came before something wrong was going to happen or something bad to myself or another.

I walked to the stream and sat there for a while, a short while later Sahli joined me. He spoke of the last time we spoke, he thought it was why I had not been at the main fires, I assured him it was not. Then he spoke of when he went to the caves with Jaella and Fonce, I was honest in my words to him I knew very little of what occurred, that was a venture that only a small circle of people were involved in. So I could not speak of knowledge I did not have only a few whispers in the wind that he had been at some cave somewhere, I myself stay out of caves, I do not like them. They suffocate and confine me to much, they lack life. And what life resides in them I do not really want to touch.

As we spoke his voice and manner changed,I thought at first he was channeling a spirit, but given he is not a Haruspex I had to rethink this and the behavior was not that of one channeling, I have practiced that skill many times so I knew what was involved, this was more like a possession of some sort, but the who and why I did not know. This spirit was dominant and overpowered him, he spoke of a promise.

-"Who I am does not mater, Haruspex. Only that I will be here until he,Fonce, and Jaella fulfill the promise he made to me. "

Then just as suddenly the entity was gone and Sahli Lu was back, he spoke of this being why he kept his distance. And why what was said to me at the fires was said. My intentions were to help him and guide him in advising him to take control of the other, but he got defensive and told me Fonce told him the same thing.

His next words though, they were like a hundred quiva tossed into my heart, " Ever wonder why our tribe is so seperated Tarra?"

He spoke of things that I have been feeling but it was painful to hear another say it, but it was what he added next that was like the final cut, and maybe it was, it was confirmation of what I have already felt, I did not think I could fall deeper into a feeling of despair and loss, but I was wrong.

"No I do not think you know what you are talking about when it comes to me. I think you know quite well what it is you talk about when it comes to you. I am not you. I am not a haruspex I did not invite this...nor can I simply control it. Nor has anyone tried to help me to do so. I am just told control them, If I could would not be assumed that I would?"

He is right, what do I know of anyone, so if I lack the confidence of one of youth to be able to help then I can not inspire such in others, lately it has been shown to be true, He was just the confirmation. His parting words of he hoped I found what I was looking for. Yet another sign that has been placed before me.

He is right. I do not understand.

The time has indeed come for me to lie down and relinquish everything I know and have. I returned to my wagon, the white bosk was sent to Fonce, I had lily deliver a message that it was my gift to him the one born the night my youngest son was born not only to the tribe but to the clan. My wagons I moved each one until the circle was undone. Then I began to work on my wagons to ensure they were in repair, a few supplies I had I would send to various people, Mezoo I know wanted some of the supplies from the one so I went thru it first to separate things.

It was then I found the old chest that had been my fathers. It was the one Dina and I had found many turnings ago. It seemed to beckon me to open it. But, I did not want to I really had enough of fate and destiny today.

Instead I turned and whistled for Eclipse and went for a ride. I needed air. Today's encounter left me drained, empty and bleeding. I needed something, but I did not know what. I needed to turn to someone but did not know who.

Hell, I had no idea what I needed or wanted now. I could only see pieces of the plains falling from the woven tapestry the strings raveling, the web tattered and the life blood oozing from it, no matter where I looked I felt, saw and tasted this. It had a sweet coppery taste reminding me of blood.

Sort of. . . Stuck

Bits of dust and leaves hovered in the air as I rummaged thru some old trunks in one of my wagons, layers of hides and other oddities lay on the floor of the wagon as I searched for something. I was not sure where I had put the amulet, but I needed to find it. It was one that was identical to one that my sister Dina had. We had found them many turnings ago. We had not been sure of what they were for, but we knew they had some use. I still was not sure, but I felt the need to find it.

After some time I found it, nestled and hidden in the corner wrapped in white hide. Lifting it gently up out of its resting place I let it fall into the palm of my hand. The stone shimmered as if it held a fire within it, almost iridescent as if the moons themselves were captured along with the fire. It was simple, oval and hung on a piece of braided leather.

Holding it tightly I then left the wagon not bothering to pick up the disarray I left within it, not my usual way of leaving things, but at the moment I really didn't care. I headed from my circle of wagons and made my way across the plains, walking to a particular spot. There I would create a circle of stones this would take some time as I needed to find the right ones. Then I sprinkled a blend of herbs within the circle to purify it as an ancient chant left my lips.

Once was all as I wanted it, I sat within it and allowed myself to relax, I had the amulet that matched Dina's and the one that Lochley gave me when he died. Both were mine yet each were different and served different purposes. But somehow I knew both would be needed. For some reason I placed on over my head to let it rest along my skin and the other I for now lay on the ground across from me.

It is easy enough to become lost beyond that which we cannot see, I slip easily enough into the state of being where there is nothing but the stillness, it is a place I enjoy being lost in. Usually there is nothing, no sound, no movement and no scents. It was peaceful a place to seek answers and guidance. Something I really needed. Tonight was different, there was the slithering of the essence of one that should not be so near, it was so strong I nearly lost my focus and concentration. It was something older than perhaps time itself, I was not sure but it felt like it. There was a dankness in the air that assaulted my senses and left me feeling cold and apprehensive, this should not be. Something was very wrong with this.

I tried to pull myself back into the world of people and of the plains to touch the grass that I knew surrounded my body and held me in its embrace. But I could not. Something blocked me from doing so,it was as if I was stuck in this state. I could not yell for anyone, or make any movement to alert another that something was wrong, not that anyone was close to me at the moment.

This was not a good sign. This was not supposed to be happening, I knew I was not yet ready. I was making preparations before this to be able to handle or at least sort of handle what my plan was. But this was not part of it, and in this manner at this time I knew I could not do this alone. The fact that it was happening filled me with a fear I have never felt since I was a young child, the kind that pushes you to the edge of hysteria, only there was no one to smack sense back into me. I was stuck here.

For how long and why. How do I find my way out.

This was not in my plans. Somehow I do not think this is the humor of the skies, if it is, I do not find it the least bit amusing.

Now what? Good Question.

Sahli unknowingly brings the edge of the abyss closer. .

I had after some time in my self induced isolation hidden under the guise of work and the constant repairs needed of things, left the comfort of my wagons. As I walked to the main fires I wondered of how is it possible to lose yourself. I can actually pinpoint the first time I lost a part of me and I can follow the path to pick up each burden that brought forth even further destruction.

I watch Hallie as she grows and flourishes, I see glimpses of the missing parts of me in her. When I was her age I held that relaxed ease among people, that laughter that could ring thru the air and bring a smile to even the coldest of hearts. The warmth that would flow thru and around me reaching outward to touch people to bring them close, to savor their company and their stories. There are so many things I can almost reach out to touch but yet I can't. It is an odd complexity of things that just never comes truly comes within reach.

The visions of the past few hands and other things weave and dance thru my mind building and unbuilding, rising and falling in odd patterns that I can not quite decipher. Is it possible to bring back what is lost, can you combine it with what is now? If so what does that bring forth and create, if not what does it leave? To many questions with no answers, yet it leaves me wanting... searching.. reaching.. essentially just plain frustrated.

It is as if I stand on the edge of something, but I am not yet sure what it is. It feels like a great discovery that leaves you wanting to explore more and yet also scares you so much that you want to curl up in a ball and hide yourself deep in the womb of the plains.

When I neared the fires, I saw Mezoo, Jaella and Sahli. Mezoo I have grown to care of, but I find myself antsy, waiting for the boot to drop, would something happen to pull her away as Seveya had been. I felt the anxiety of it course thru me and various images floated thru my mind, and I had to grasp them and tie them and tuck them away. "Dont get close to anyone." I heard whispered in my head. Where it came from I am not sure, was it to protect them or me. The answer of course did not surface. I have never been close to Jaella, I never really understood the reasons, but I rarely saw her as she was often with Fonce and Tzuri, and I was not really welcome in those places, that is a history of the past. I do not hold it against her or anyone else, things happen as they do, the reasons not always known. There is still that distance even now, but I suppose it is more of an age thing, most of those around the main fires are the youth of the tribe, ranging in the late teens to early thirties. I find myself unable to identify or relate to them. Things I find interesting they do not and things they do, I am not. They seek new ways I hold to old. Such is the way of life I think. I find myself retreating further and further away. Sometimes it comes to you that it is the time of the young and you have to let them flourish and grow and to find their way. The old fade away and the young step in. It is a bitter pill to swallow, requires an awful lot of water.

I have fought so long for so much, that I have grown to old to know when to lie down. Maybe it is time to lie down.

I did not linger long, it was an odd sensation as if I stepped into something that I was not supposed to as if I interupted. Maybe I begin to see some of the reasons older ones are not at the fires. As I said, maybe. As I went to leave Sahli asked to speak to me, I would never deny anyone such, so I lingered I listened, and in truth I wish I would have just kept on going.

"I think I will be leaving the harriga for a time".

As the words flowed from his mouth I felt myself falling further into the darky abyss. I felt my body tense, I was not hearing this, I wanted to deny it, but it was there he spoke it, I felt it. The vibration of his words wrapped about me. Why? He had only just returned and now he wants to leave, this just floored me, was this yet another sign to heed . His next words, as much as I tried to tell him not to leave that it was not true, I found myself understanding them, which is maybe why it upset me as much as it did.

"Many reasons I suppose... but more importantly because the winds are telling me that I should not linger too long. I am not the same as all of them...they know it"

I told him that this was his home where he belonged, why would he be the same, werent we all different? None of us are the same, he is tuchuk, this is where he belongs. The next words he spoke I even further understood and related to perhaps in a way he did not even know, in fact I know he doesn't.

"Home is a place you are wanted... I am not wanted here. Those I counted as friends have a made that clear. "

Now that upset me, who would tell him such and yet call themselves a freind, that was wrong, and it surely was not who we were, but wait,. I have seen this and felt it myself, but I couldn't let him know these things, I had to make him see that this is where he belonged, with the tuchuk, with the tribe. I think I failed. Not only him but myself..

Yet another sign.

"Its not said.. its felt. It's silence when I come around. It's not seeing people in sometimes who are important to me. I know you were away I am not talking of you. I think that I will head to the northernlands.. where the spirits are."

I asked him to not walk away from tribe, to give it time, to not walk away from those that care.

He got angry with me. And I was not happy with him, how could he just walk away when he just returned?

I felt yet another loss, another sorrow ,another pain.

All is truly lost if those that just returned seek to leave. I left the fires feeling the powerful urge to destroy something, anything or anyone. I felt that side of me I controlled surging and rolling to the surface.

I need to let it out, no one ever lets me let it out. Perhaps that is a good thing. If I did could I reign the dark witch back in. It is a power I rarely reveal in fact I have not since my return to the plains. For a spex to know the enemy they must walk on both the light and dark sides, it is a balancing act, for many turnings before my return I lived and breathed and embraced that dark side. I pushed it deep down within me controlling it and hiding it.

Which part of me do I embrace?

What does all of this mean? Where do I go for the answers. Who do I seek for guidance.

Silence.

Well, as if I really expected an answer. Actually, yes I did.

A journey

The winds glide and wind thru and around the grasses, releasing and lifting their unique fragrance to the skies. I stand here at the edge of the camp. I wish I could say I felt something, anything, such as anger,sadness,happiness, or something tangible, but in truth I feel nothing, just a hollow sensation that is empty . For hands I have been watching and listening. Hopes of some things came crashing down with a ferocity that reminded me not to raise them again. I have listened until it felt as if my ears were bleeding and my brain cells removed with a cauterizing iron.

I have stepped back from people so that I could see clear and not be caught in any of the personal drama or the bigger dramas that only bring people down.

I think I have seen and heard more than I desired. The path once more has been paved for a third time with the manipulations and deceit of people. I do not feel trust or feel it in the air, it is as if something has reached in and scoopped it into large talons and left only gouges in the ground that fill with blood and bile from those seeking their own wants and needs. I see a decline that I had hoped not to see.

The tapestry is unwoven the web is tattered.

All that is right is gone, all that should be has been erased. It is not a world I wish to remain in. I cannot embrace it.

I lay down the needle needed to sew it and bury it deep in the ground where none can find it. I burn the hope in the fires of the night and let it swirl towards the sky as if it had never been. I step off the path that is broken,shattered and frayed to walk in the darkness of what is unknown, I walk away from all that there is and all that will never be.

My heart is removed and drowned in the deepest part of the stream. My spirit has been cut out and cast to the four cardinal directions of the plains. This leaves only a hollow shell that draws breath. It frees me from emotions and thought. Because I cease to be.

Each day I begin to remove things from my wagons, giving to those who may have need. My bosk I will be separated and given to my father, the white one I will give to Fonce for it was the one he saw when my youngest son was born. The omen should not be removed, it did after all save my life during the time he disappeared and I searched for him. I have decided to go and fight the one who took my mate the one who casts much over the plains in the form of chaos, darkness and negativity. Perhaps she has touched me finally and now I lower down into that dark abyss, letting it coat me and cover me with a thickness that you cannot breathe from.

I know that my children are cared for,my father and Chay will keep watch as will Cana over Hallie, the youngest son will stay within Chuluns care. Ulric I know will protect them and guide them as he did me. I do not know if I will return from this journey and a part of me does not want to. To die fighting is not breaking my promise. Perhaps I will find my mate and join him as it should be as has been my desire the past turning.

I thought people were worth fighting for but they have proven me wrong, I thought the truth would guide and strengthen that web but it did the opposite. I had faith where I should not have placed it, belief when I should have been more of a realist. But sometimes that is the beauty of people they always show you the right and wrong of life.

There is nothing here for me. There has not been for a very long time.

The arrows with the spider venom has been prepared carefully and sacredly. The blades are sharp and Eclipse he is the dark side of me, he will serve me well for this journey.

I think I will find Lukus and see him before I take this journey. I can find him thru the realms beyond what is seen and heard. He will take that which is sacred and keep it in safe keeping.

Rumors .

As the air becomes laden with the viscosity of rumors, truths,semi-truths, lies and manipulations I find myself retreating further and further into the circle of my wagons, cutting myself off and detaching myself from everyone. Mostly to observe and feel what is truly going on along with the fact that disappointments in people are to painful to me, the wounds of old reopened to be raw, bloody and pulsating and burning and spasming as if someone poured salt into the sensitive, tattered flesh. I see some of the younger ones doing what others have done leaving me with a sense of deja vu. I almost want to hold on tight and say here we go again.

Rumors are in abundance, I take much with a grain of salt, I learned long ago to believe only half of what you see and even less of what you hear, to know the truth you have to know how to see and hear. Where to focus when someone speaks or reveals things for when you know where to look you will always be able to reach thru the veils that obscure. Many present a good facade of this ability but they do not possess it, in fact it takes little skill to know what to say to a person to know what they want and of how and when to manipulate them, I have watched this done time and time again. And I am sure I will do so again.

And so again I see history repeat itself. Same game, different faces.

In fact, it is so exact that it disturbs me, there are to many coincidences lately that I cannot ignore. It is enough to illicit only silence from me. However, I do not care for this sense of deja vu. I have yet to speak or reveal my thoughts or feelings. It is doubtful I will. Who would I confide in.

The first rumor to reach my ears by words was that Seveya submitted to Fonce. Surely I had heard that wrong, I thought this until I left the cocoon of my wagons and indeed found out from others of the tribe that this was in fact true. She did. Now that took me back a step or two. I have thoughts on this, but I will not speak of them, simply because I do not have enough information to formulate any true thought because I do not have all the facts. Other than how she was seen by others and unfortunately when in the main arena of the fires and streams there are no secrets, to many slaves hear and to many others walk by to see and hear, especially when loud voices carry across the plains. I have mixed thoughts on this for many reasons, none of which anyone would guess perhaps maybe Fonce if he remembers things we had in the past spoken of, and of a few things I shared with him in confidence,Garyx would have known, and understood the duality of my thoughts. A few will make assumptions, incorrectly as is often the case.

I am disappointed in her but not for the reasons anyone would expect. I was disappointed prior to this event, because of certain behaviors I noticed, these things hurt me deeper than she or others will know, simply because I saw more in her. More than I should have and it is my fault for allowing myself to care, it is not a mistake I will repeat, it will be a long time if ever, that I allow another close to my heart like that. I will have to have Ayguili or someone retrieve my mothers nose ring from her, she was to wear it only until healed and pick a new one. She has not done such, and she no longer has the respect or trust required to have the honor of wearing it. I do not think to retrieve it because she submitted to a warrior, but because it is time for her to pick out one that is her own that speaks to her, this was to only allow for the healing. Maybe one day she will figure them out why a couple of us are disappointed.

I do not think she understands that with me the moment in my eyes that you put yourself and wants over the needs of tribe is the day I will step back from you. It takes a very, very long time to earn any trust or respect back, if ever. And I have gone head to head and toe to toe with Ubars that have done such, with warriors and others that have been around. I will never waver on this and I will never bow down to the dictates of others that the old ways are to be lost. No matter how many others do. I will never compromise myself when it comes to being a tuchuk and of being the part of the tribe, others may rip down the old ways and traditions but they forget it is those very things that built the foundation of the tuchuk and made us who we are. To let go of them is to let go of being a part of the plains. I will not do such.

To do so is to simply be a dweller on the plains. I am not such and I certainly hope others are not.

Do I understand what she did, yes, in fact far more than anyone would realize it. Would I support it, that is not my place to say yes or not to, nor could I even begin to try to do so. I can only say a person carves out their own path in life .

Right or wrong..

We make choices in everything and in those choices we must accept the consequence. I am sure she is finding this out. Though I think it is fortunate that it was Fonce any other man would have killed her. I know my own father would have let lose his temper and had her begging for death. I know this of him as a fact from having seen such over the turnings, my father has mellowed, there was a time when a mere look caused a warrior to nearly piss his leathers because Kamchak was not nice, he was not lenient, he was hard, harsh, cruel and would not think twice about killing you. Few know that he whipped me to the point that I bled, that it took healers days to take care of me, he is unforgiving in many things when it comes to people, to tribe, to family and to what is acceptable and what is not. And he will not accept less even from his own daughter, and there was a time he wanted to kill me, he came close to it. I think only the fact that I was of his blood is what stayed his hand. Although he did have to stop Chay. So do I understand, most definitely in a very real painful way. I understand the mixture of feelings and the sense of loss and pain that comes from making the choice. But yet I will remain silent on it. I will not volunteer my thoughts or share them, no one can say they heard me speak of anything, because they have not.

I have heard another rumor of Karveks actions, I have thoughts on this, Ulric mentioned that the rumors spread are far worse than what occurred,, to many stories going around that I have to scratch my head, did he beat her? Did he abuse her for ahns on end or what was it exactly only two know the truth of that. Anyone else is a third party getting word of mouth and the problem with telling the stories is that things are added and changed. And perceptions of things are colored when emotions are involved not only in the delivery of things but the receipt of them. Was he wrong or right. I think that unless someone is in his boots can they judge and can they answer this. This is a warrior of a passionate nature who has seen his only blood surviving relative become a slave, what man is not going to lose their cool. Can they know what he felt or saw unless they have done the same or were in his place. Not likely.. So let those that have no flaw cast the first stone.

What Karvek did was nothing compared to what I have seen other warriors do. And these things I have seen by ubars and warriors of great reputation and respect, now that is not saying Fonce is not these things, for I do hold respect for him, he has earned it. Not easily but he has. I know that he could do these things if he chose to, I have seen the ripple of something within him that if he let go of it may well have devastating effects.. But Seveya made a choice and somehow I doubt she made it without thought, now unless anyone can stand in her shoes can they judge or speak without knowing what it is that drives a woman at times. No, they cannot, that does not mean I would be a friend or treat her as a free woman, because once you submit, you are a slave, it is known that if you have the ways of a slave you are one even without a brand or collar. To me she would not be Seveya, that woman would be gone, you lose everything and everyone the moment you submit this is the harsh reality of enslavement even if others think otherwise. She would be a slave with all that it means and entails and no free woman would allow themselves to be friends with a slave, a true tuchuk and free woman would follow the ways of Gor. Again I say if she was a slave. For I have heard she was freed. I think that the rumor mill is making my head spin.


Some have implied that Karvek lost his mind, I do not think so, but I do think he is lost in that river of anger that each of us of very passionate natures find ourselves in. I have seen more than a few warriors get into this state, and if I am not mistaken there was a time that even Fonce himself has been on the edge if not in the murky depths. So for others to judge without all the facts, it is wrong of them. For anyone to be involved in this situation other than Karvek, Fonce, Seveya and Ayguili it is also wrong. Those that speak of things they should not will find that it will come to bite them in the ass. It is no ones place to sit in judgement. I may not approve of what she did or has been doing, but that is her path and her burden not mine. But I can relate to it and I know some of the consequences that come out of it. It is a risk she has taken.

I have also heard of a warrior that seems to be accepted by everyone because he claims to be of the outer wagons, yet I have not heard the word of the drummers stating the ubar has granted him a place as a prospect at the first fires, nor have I heard he is a guest, so why is this warrior being allowed to roam about and act as if he is tribe when he is not. I have heard rumor that a certain woman has spent a lot of time with him, now should she not know better, he is not part of the tribe so why would you welcome him with open arms, why does he not have to be treated as others of the outer wagons have been, each had to earn their place, they were not at the fires without permission from the Ubar, and no prospect was opened with welcome arms I seem to recall words from this very same woman of how prospects were treated and yet is she not doing what she accused others of, are not others doing the same. Or is that only directed towards certain women? It comes to my mind that I have to ask again where have the tuchuks gone?
That may be why he only is around certain people of the tribe, ones who wont speak up and challenge him, but then I hear when you do, he gets the warrior attitude and tries to make women think they are to be seen and not heard, let the little urt try that shit with me, because I can promise I will unman him very quickly and very effectively.

That is the thing with rumors they spread very quickly about many things, and you have to sit and ask what is true and what is not, then you have to ask, is it not the ways of dwellers to speak with forked tongues like ost's.. That is not the way of a tuchuk.

To share.. To distance.. What will you bring yourself?

Sometimes I can hear a voice from a distance fussing at me for the long ahns I spend working, and if I close my eyes I can envision the look that very clearly tells me. Stop it. Sometimes I heed it and sometimes I don't the sad thing about falling back into old habits is, once you delve into them and tap dance around them you can not easily break free. There is a comfort in working until I am to exhausted to think. But that is the purpose.

Sometimes I find myself too tired to fight with myself, if my hands are busy I do not think or feel that keeps the walls in place , if I stop, then there is a chance a hole can be punctured thru those carefully constructed safety mechanisms. Sometimes I want that, and sometimes it scares the life out of me for it to happen. For it requires trust something I do not easily give, and there are only a few I can say still hold that gift, some had it and they betrayed it and destroyed it, once lost you very rarely gain that treasure back. Another one of those double edged sword type moments.

I find myself too tired to get involved in issues of others, and by that I do not mean the issues where they need healing, counseling or some other magical form that a spex can give, or the shoulder or ear of a friend, I mean the small things of jealousy, nit picking,whining and the indulgence of being only "I" oriented. The small petty things are what I speak of, or the situations of ones own making designed to draw attention and appear the victim of life. I find that most times people have to figure a few things out themselves, you have to fall before you can learn to get up and keep moving ahead, you have to crawl before you can walk and you have to experience the pain to appreciate the joy. And there are times when we have to step back and let others find their way, we are still there, but there is a difference between guiding and holding someone's hand to coddle them.

A few of us were gathered by the fires, Cana was giving a glimpse more of how she is feeling, I am glad she is doing so, because it lets us know that she needs us and many of us are there for her,and it allows for her to have a greater strength of a network of support, just as I told her we are family, I wanted her to know that no matter what we are there for her, because the thing of caring about each other is that we can fight, we can disagree, but no matter what we never stop being there and we never stop caring. Kam.. he will never let his little tabuk get lost,she will forever be that to him, Mezoo she will be there as well for she has begun to weave into the bond of friendship which is family, linked to the chain of being tribe which is also family, such as Sahili Lu, Jaella , and others that were gathered with us.

It was while we were sitting there talking that Silk arrived, something seemed off with her, but what I could not tell, she kept to herself over by one of the wagons, not drawing close enough to encourage any conversation with her, it was as if she were putting up a sign that read, no trespassing, do not get to close, well, when you do that I am not about to cross over those boundaries, she was drinking I believe tea by the expression on her face, but I am not sure.It was odd this aura of distance to her that clearly gave the impression on not wishing to be bothered, I greeted her, figuring if she wanted to talk she would reveal more or she would draw closer where people could talk with her and include her.

However, she was rather silent, something was not right, it was not long before she suddenly was leaving just as I was about to motion to her and speak her name when we were talking of family and being there for each other. I am not sure how to interpret that, was it a signal that she did not consider herself part of the tapestry of tribe or family, or was it she just did not wish to be around people, I am not sure given the speed of her departure. I do not know what is going on with her, she does not venture near to allow for conversation to take place,I do not chase after people, I figure if you have a problem you will solve it, or you will seek guidance.

There was a time when I would chase after people, coddling them, holding their hands and directing them. But that time is not now.. I think as I have grown over the years I have learned, I can not save everyone,and not everyone wants to be saved, some wish to remain in the abyss because it is familiar and comfortable. People must make choices in all aspects of life and accept the outcome of those choices. I can only be there when they choose to seek me out.

It is my hope that those that were around the fire, they found the strength in the bond of each other, and that only together are we able to surmount the obstacles of life. It is the heart of each individual that makes up the tapestry of the tuchuk. Only the strong survive the plains.

It was not long before I had to depart and return to my wagons, there were things I needed to take care of and I promised my children I would spend the rest of the evening with them. Now, what are they up to, children never want to spend time with their mothers unless they want something or they did something.

In their case. It could be almost anything.

Are you ready ?

Come with me into the eclipse and dance all your sorrows away, reach for the light that will guide you thru the veiled and obscure shadows. Be careful of where you step as you navigate the obstacles. Let go of the control and allow yourself to feel the laughter and the sadness, feel the joy and feel the pain, watch the play of color over the plains, hear the breathe of life about you, taste the blood of the people and let it fulfill you.

What is it you seek within the darkness, do you have the strength to drink in what you will find?

Can you with stand the pain as each layer is slowly peeled away, will you brave the wounds that will be raw and pulsating thru to your very soul. Do you want to reach for that which was lost or do you choose to be a coward and turn away.

The choice is there. Its always been there beneath the surface. You have given up on yourself and others, is that they way you really wish it? Do you desire to truly close yourself off to knowing another to share you life and feel their touch.

Have courage.

Have strength.

To allow others close is to allow another to find you. Do you have what it takes to dance within the shadows of the darkness?

Are you sure you are ready ? If so just reach out and grab my hand. I will be waiting to show you. But only if you are ready. Are you sure?


It was these words that would drift thru my head as I sat by the stream. I had lost myself to the gentle rhythm of the water allowing it to touch me, enfold me and become a part of me. There have been many thoughts upon my mind lately. Some of which cause me to step back, watch and listen. I had no questions as I sat down to meditate and see what was in the air. There was something fluttering on the outer fringes of my mind of something that was about to rip asunder the quiet calm that seems to be shrouding us. What is was I do not know and what it is I have yet to see. Only that it is there waiting, soon to plunge forward with a screaming force that will rip out the very fabric of another's heart. Pain I feel it coming like a rabid sleen intent upon consuming all in its path. I knew to be aware and ready.

So it was a surprise as I floated in that place I often go to my place of nothingness where if I could remain I would, it is the silence that speaks, the calm that sings.It shows me things I need to know and understand it reveals things I need to learn and grasp. Sometimes I do not always like the messages that are revealed, but most times in this big space of nothingness I feel my best, weightless, fulfilled, a wave of happiness flows thru me that I could never describe in words. It is hear that I can talk to those that have gone on before me and hear them. This is where I reground myself, recharge myself and let myself be open and without thought or emotion.

I was not sure what the words meant, I only know that lately I have felt a nudge or push to delve deeper into parts of myself that I have not looked at, glimpses of me that none ever see but once in a very rare while. Garyx, he saw these parts of me more than others because he knew how to reach in and bring some of them forth, but not even he had glimpsed every facet, simply because we ran out of time. I have built walls around myself again, and a wall of ice around my heart. But it seems that the sky will not let me keep them there.

It is almost as if they are pushing me back in time to find who the real me was, the one that was lost when Hallena was lost . I am not sure I know how to find her.

Can I do this alone?

Or will someone help me?

I know the visions have some meaning in the greater picture I just do not know what, this is yet another piece to add to the puzzle of me.

To return once more to the fold. . to explore the questions and thoughts of enslavement

When the moons hung low and seemed to kiss the ground I walked thru the grasses to gather various plants that only bloom beneath the erotic kiss of the moons. I am very careful in what I gather, when and how. There is a certain sacredness to it, I have learned thru trial by fire so to speak to never disrespect that, for when you do, then the spell, the oil or whatever it is you are using the plants for, it will fail or will not be potent. I think I did that one more than once before I finally grasped the importance of it. There is no doubt, I have to learn the hard way, pulverize the brain, and draw a little blood before that little light in the mind goes. Oh yea. I got it. You can stop now I finally got it. thing is.. it never seems to stop.

I gathered only what was needed, and then made my way back towards the plains. As I walked in the quiet of the night, my thoughts were drawn to Cana, of her fears and concerns, I wish I had the magic words to make everything perfect, but unfortunately I do not, there is no magic or knowledge that will alter what she feels until Ba'atar is safely back in her arms. Her pain it rips thru me sometimes at unexpected moments, the intensity of it can bring me to my knees.

Very few know of my empathic abilities, not because I hide them, but I just don't talk of them. I rarely volunteer anything. If I am asked things I answer them honestly, which is why I warn people be sure you really want to know. Because if you do not then do not ask me. I am rather blunt and to the point, I can give you the in your face honesty, the honesty that comes with the sharpness of a blade or I can give you the gentle honesty, it all depends on who you are, why you want to know , how you ask it and what you will do with it.

As I neared my wagons, I felt myself teetering on edge, the reason is not entirely clear to me. There are things in the air that float and twist that tease and torment, giving just a glimpse of things and yet not enough to know what or for who. I made a promise to Cana, and my word is binding, because anyone that knows me knows I will not promise lightly and I am careful in what I promise and to who. Only once in my life have I not been able to keep a promise, I have since that time endeavored to not repeat that mistake, the feeling you get from it is way to painful, as least to me it is. To others breaking a promise is as easy and as unimportant as slipping a boot off and tossing it across a wagon. I promised if anything happened I would take care of my grandson, and she revealed where each child was to be, I had to promise to watch over all of them regardless of who was raising them. I would give her this peace of mind, although as I told her, she is not going anywhere any time soon, the shadows do not call her name. Just as I made her promise if anything happens to me she will take care of Hallie and Arkus although they are at the age where they pretty much take care of themselves, but they are young and need guidance. My youngest son, will be under the care of my father, but I would like for her to also keep an eye on him. She of course says the same thing , nothing will happen to me.

Eventually it will. It will for each and every one of us.

I would after laying out the plants to dry make my way towards the main fire, it was quiet, which was the usual, I have not seen quite a few for some time. To my surprise Sahli Lu neared, it was a pleasant surprise, I have not seen him in a few turnings, however, there was something weighing heavy upon him. He is one of the few that call me Sister and mean it, I understand his use of it, and it means much to me now just as it did a few turnings ago. He spoke of his shame and that he did not think he was welcome at the first fires. I had to look at him as if he had two heads, had he lost his mind. Why would he think this. So I asked. The answer I did not expect, he spoke of being ashamed that he could not do his duty. He spoke of how Tzuri had spoken to Jaella and that she wanted Jaella to go with her, I have often wondered what happened to a few, a few pieces were coming together. He did not want them to go anywhere and he would not give his blessing or permission, however, one morning when he woke up, Jaella and Tzuri were both gone. He had gone to search for them but never found them. I listened to his thoughts.

Then I gave my own, he had nothing to be ashamed of, he had a right at the first fires as much as any of the new prospects,in fact maybe even more so. He had already proven himself before, when Fonce was Ubar. I did suggest he find Ayguili and speak with him, as far as his duty, he was not remiss, he told the women no, if they took it upon themselves to leave then that was something that would be for them to take responsibility for not him, he had no burden or shame to carry for it was not his fault, add the fact he went to look for them, I could not see how he would feel dishonored.

I spoke to him for a while on many things, I have enjoyed the discussions. Though the one of how Arigh was bold enough to accost him and put her hands in his pants to touch him while he was mated to another woman,this just floored me, he mentioned this as he sought to understand slaves and women who had the hearts of slaves. He spoke of a warrior that laughed at him and said he was afraid of women, I do not think this did much for his self esteem, I assured him that what the young woman did, was considered by most men an invitation for a collar and the fact that she tried to tell him that he wanted her when he clearly loved Jaella, well that blew my mind, it troubled him and he spoke of the hurt his woman felt when he told her. I could understand that, but I assured him that he was very much a man and warrior. One that held honor, he was intelligent and very much a tuchuk. I think I was able to help him but I was not really sure.

As we talked he asked me a question one I was not expecting but it was one of the innocence he still had about him. Had I ever been a slave. That caught me off guard, I am not used to anyone asking any in depth real questions, most simply ask the mundane, over rated, how are you questions. Ones that are really just a politeness, they held no depth and did not really want to get into the nitty gritty of who you are as a person.
Outside of my family and my oldest friend Ari, only one other knew of this.. Fonce knew because I offered it to him when he had collared Tzuri and was searching for answers when it came to how he felt of her. I offered it to help him to understand a few things, thankfully he did not judge me for it. But I was asked and I would answer,thankfully no one was around to over hear the conversation.

I answered truthfully, yes at one time in my life I was enslaved, it is a long complicated story that I really didn't feel the need to go into every convoluted detail, I shared it was by one that was my mate, one I loved and thought loved me, I did something stupid without really having a full understanding or comprehension of the consequence. I had a misconception of a few things when it came to men being your mate. And that consequence was far reaching and destructive. What no one could know is that I understood why Tzuri had submitted to Fonce,with painful clarity, a woman when in love will do everything and anything for that love. Not all women mind you, but there are some that will give up everything and sacrifice much to prove that love, I did it, but it did not end well.

I shared with him the pain of watching my father turn away from me and stating he had no daughter, that is the only time I have ever seen disappointment in my fathers eyes and a pain so deep that it cut down into the soul of a man, that pain seared me and nearly killed me, this surprised Sahli, I do not think he realizes that when a woman submits she gives up her name, her life, her family her clan, she is nothing, she is only what the man deems her worthy to be. I went thru a lot of humiliation, pain, hurt and a gambit of emotions back then,I learned the other side of slaves and the things that go on, I saw a side that gives me a greater insight of slaves, and because of it,or should I say because of one, I found do not trust a slave even when you are one, because you will find a knife in your back in a heartbeat. I learned the dances and serves and all that things that come with it, including the fact that my emotions and thoughts were no longer my own, and that I had to do anything that was commanded. I do not think anyone knows how hard and humiliating it is to have to serve your best friend and watch as the man you love flirts with her and then treats you like dirt beneath his boot, it was an eye opening experience in many ways. And yet while I did this to survive it was very evident I never had a slaves heart, why, simply because it was not who I was or even who I am. He did realize me after a short period of time for I think he realized that essentially it was killing me in the literal sense, a spex can not be a spex when enslaved, it is impossible and it was killing me day by day, ahn by ahn. It is not something I could explain.

I was glad when I left that part of my life behind, but yet until his death I would often offer thoughts for him to the winds. There was a bond there no matter what had happened between us. I knew that Sahli Lu would not speak of this to anyone else so I knew that out side of my father, Chay, Fonce and now Sahli Lu there was no way for anyone to know of it, the only others that did are dead. So it was a part of me that I protected for the obvious reasons.

It is not something I would recommend to any woman doing unless she was truly a slave in her heart and that she was ready to accept the consequence of it. For it is life altering and changing, there are some free women that are truly slaves in their hearts and as long as they try to live in the facade of being free they will never find peace and happiness.

My heart felt for Sahli and all he was feeling, but I had the faith in him that good things would come to him, I think he doubts this. But I feel it will happen. He is more of a man than he realizes, granted young, and a bit naive of some things but he will grow into himself.

Now there is this kite he wishes to teach me of, I am intrigued, it is almost is if I can feel the child within itching and scratching to get out.

What is beneath the surface?

What is even deeper if I dig and remove all the layers. What would I find. Who would I find?

The steps lead away from.. instead of leading forward. .

There have been ripples in the air lately, something tugging and pulling, I think back to a discussion I had with Cana, I have had several with her that I have enjoyed, and one that troubles me, it reaches in and grips my heart and causes it to stop beating. I have felt much, but have said little because I knew that Fonce was helping her with the dreams.

I do not step into that arena, not because of inability of lack of knowledge,or lack of caring, but it is out of respect for him as a fellow haruspex. I would never overstep and take part in some thing without being asked to. That is not the ways of everyone but it is my way.

There are a few things that I will write at a later date, such as some events with Mezoo, I am thankful to have shared them with her and enjoyed it, but again, I did so only with Fonces consent, as he is her mentor. I have my own ways, I have my standards and I have a certain level of honor I value and respect. I give such when it has been earned, and it is not because he is clan leader, and it is not because he is a man. It is because he the person earned it.

Cana has requested my help with protecting her children, she explained the nature of the dream and what she felt could happen, I understood her fears, I also knew as a mother where she was coming from, are her concerns out of fear or out of true danger, that is not my call to make. What is my call is her request for help .I love her like my own daughter, so will I give it yes without hesitation. I did tell her I would talk to Fonce of it first, for I did not want to accidentally step into anything he was doing and cause a ripple effect of chaos and problems. Now, I also knew I would need help in this simply because of the magnitude of the protection needed, it was my thought to speak to Fonce to have Mezoo help me, nothing that would endanger her or drain her, but I knew I would need help.

Cana's concern was of what it might do to me and what she is exposing me to. None of that matters. The simple fact is I would die for her. I would do whatever it takes without concern to myself. And in truth it would not matter if my life was forfeit, a part of me is ready to go and has been. I believe I had validation of that tonight.

I went to the fires after completing the framework for what I had in mind to do what was asked of me. A few of those that have been gone have returned, Sahli lu, Jaella and Ash. Those are thoughts I will go back to elaborate at a later date. I watched and listened for a while, then I went to ask Fonce if I could speak to him.

Bad move.

Lesson one.. Never ask to speak to Fonce in public. Especially around women.

He said he would speak with me, I started to walk with him to take a step or two away from the fires and as I spoke to him of wishing to talk to the side, not because of some hidden agenda but because this was in a sense clan related, and unlike a few I never do clan things at the main fires. And it was very important to me and to another of this tribe. So to me this was important, the welfare of another whose confidence I would not break by speaking it before everyone. Now, Seveya, was quick to interrupt me not for anything of life shattering importance but to make it very clear, in a rather plain fashion that Yamka wanted to speak to Fonce and had been waiting. Now I never ask to speak to Fonce by the fires unless it is very important.

Well now blow me down with a storm of glass shards and take pieces of flesh out of me, who is she to interrupt me first of all, so that in and of itself irritated me to begin with,because that is one of those things that just irk the life out of me, I hate it, I consider it disrespectful, but to speak with an authority she does not have in making a determination of who talks to Fonce and when, well now that put me just a little over the top in the irritation department, and I will admit there was a part of me that wanted to turn and ask her who did she think she was? But I didn't, she is young, so maybe, just maybe I could excuse it.

Actually, no I couldn't, to me for myself it was just uncalled for, she should have listened and observed, but this was not the case, I was already disappointed in her, but now I am very disappointed and irritated, did I mention that I was just a bit more irritated bording of being rather furious?

I expected better out of her. I am sure she caught the look, I am not particularly happy, in fact I am just a bit pissed at the interference which then snow balled. Now it is a good thing to speak up for friends, when there is cause to do so, the skies know that those I care about I will step up and open my mouth when there is a need , that was the only reason I did not just rip up one side and down the other. So, I did what I felt was right, if Yamka had been waiting to talk to him and it was important, I would wait until another time. To me that was logical.

Lesson Two: Never try to be nice . . because it always will backfire

That should have been easy right? Oh hell no, take the needle out of my eye. Yamka decides to be demure and say she will wait, what the hell is that about, if you are waiting to talk and it was important enough to ask to begin with then damn well do it, considering another had to speak for her, so it better be freaking important, and of course as is always the case, Fonce gets irritated. Great.. just what I wanted. Just stick another blade in me.

Go figure, Fonce irritated at me again. Yet, another bad mark to add against me, add to the list of all the wrongs I have commited, just what I wanted. Someone just shoot me now and get it over with.

So now, no one gets to talk, well don't I feel all warm and fuzzy now, yep just like an over ripe rotten peach, and why does no one get to talk because he feels he is being jerked on a string like a puppet. That was not what I was doing, I was trying to let another have the time she sought and that is what I said. But was that heard. No, it wasn't which just irritated me a little bit more, I could feel the fury begin to nip at my heels.

Lesson Three: Don't think.. and just keep quiet. Otherwise there is miscommunication

Well, now I am truly just pissed off, go figure that one out. Does it matter, more than likely not, because I don't ask to take someone from the fires for idle chit chat. He said I could wait. Fine, I can wait, after all I have been waiting for quite a while actually and I told him as much. Yes, at that point I was irritated with him, not pissed off, but just irritated. Surely no one thought I would just placate him or anyone else. Hell no. Damn it, I have been trying for hands to speak to him of various things. Guess I have the bazi plague or something.


Fact is, now I will have to sit and figure out a new way to do what is needed. But I will figure it out, and is often the case I will do it alone. Slap me silly and toss me into the pits for thinking to have others involved. There is just now a bit of a delay by a day or two. I wanted to have Mezoo help me and even Fonce himself, but I wont involve her without his permission. What I need to do will overextend even my abilities. But, if it does then it does, for Cana it will be well worth it.

Lesson Four: Stay away from the main fires. You will get burned every time

Perceptions on change and conformity

As work kept me busy within the clan and within my own wagons, I did not realize the passing of days until I paused for an ehn to look for something. As was often the case when you have children, things disappear, and the older the get the more things disappear. And they often take the things that you really need and will always have a good story to justify it.

I had gone in search of them to see which young one would have the audacity to borrow something without at least telling me, in my search I neared the main fires. I paused for a moment and retrieved some black wine and stopped to speak with Fonce as he was sitting at one of the wagons. I asked to sit with him, I know I saw surprise, why I am not sure, I assured him I would not bite. Well at least not hard the first time.

Good thing he doesn't really know about those sharpened teeth I have, or such a statement would give him pause.

I spoke with him for a few ehn when Cana joined us, I was glad to see her for I worry about her. I listened and added various thoughts to the small talk that filled the air, it was nice to be with them and enjoy the company.

I am not sure when the direction of the talk changed to Asria and some of her inability to do certain things. I listened to some of the questions that went back and forth between the two before I would actually had a few of my own thoughts.


I confess, I do not understand how it is that a tuchuk woman does not know how to do the basic things we need to know to survive life. I suppose that would always bring forth the thought in how I do not understand how Trayu or her parents allowed such or even encouraged it. It is my thought he has done her a great disservice. That does not mean I think less of her or feel she is less. Only that I myself lack the understanding of it, simply because I cannot fathom not knowing how to ride, hunt, prepare hides, dress a kill, make arrows or grease the axles of my wagons and so much more. Perhaps that makes me to independent. I am not really sure in truth. But I know it does not make me less of a woman, and it does not make me less in my feminity. Although this is my thought, I couldn't and wouldn't speak for others.

At one point as Fonce spoke of this I had to ask, simply because of how he made it sound. And I had to ask, because it sort of floored me. Did it make a woman less attractive to a man because she was independent. Did a man want a woman that needed to be taken care of in every aspect?

I am not sure he understood at first because he thought Cana and I were being defensive. Actually far from it.

The questions asked were to understand his thinking on this matter, I wanted to understand his thinking on this and why he thought it and from Cana's words I would surmise she also did, now the thought occurred to me, did men really find this attractive as he seemed to imply, now I knew he was not necessarily speaking for himself he was merely giving his thoughts on this. I was relieved to hear that being independent versus dependent did not make you less of a woman or unattractive. However, a man likes to know he is needed, well now that I already knew. This I understood.

No matter how independent I am, any time I was mated, they each knew my limitations, and they each knew that I appreciated things they did and that I needed them. Now that I am no longer mated I do my best to not let on the things I might need help with, I refuse to be a burden to anyone, I would sooner fall and break my damn fool neck than be extra work. I do not like to be helpless, so I push myself harder and farther than anyone knows, that is why so much time is needed away from people because the work I try to do, lets face it was the responsibility of my mate and he is gone, so now if falls on me. I have no choice.

But yet Fonce seemed to think our thoughts meant that we wanted Asria to change or conform, that was not exactly what we were saying, only that she needs to learn things to grow and strengthen herself as a woman and as a person. To stand on her own two feet. That did not mean that in doing these things it was meant to change her.

I am not truly sure if there was an understanding met. But, we explained that there are basic things she should know as a tuchuk woman, it is simply a given. We are plains women, we are not dwellers that are delicate and without abilities. Does that mean it should or would change her, not really, now could it, of course it could and might. But as we grow and strengthen we all change. What would happen if we remained unchanging, unchallenged and did not grow.

I am not sure he really understood, but I can hope. I wouldn't want to change anyone, because if we did, then they would no longer be who they are.