Sleep would elude me for a very long time, and my upset with Ongel was only a small part in a bigger puzzle that I stood in the middle of, there were other things that would contribute to this as well, dreams and visions have been invading my sleep and I am not sure I want to feel and hear the things that have been in them, some are good, but leave me skeptical, and maybe a little bit hopeful and there are things that are bad, the scream and cries of horrific terror that would cut thru me. I really don't think I was up to trying to decipher what it meant, the pain and grief was to real. What it was that was the cause I do not yet know, I only knew we had to be ready, not even a Haruspex is allowed to see or know everything, we are given images, thoughts, feelings and glimpses of things in a way that we can not explain, sometimes it is clear and detailed and sometimes it is shadowed and hazy. And we never see things of ourselves, I think sometimes that sky protects us that way for if we saw what awaited us in life we might try to change it or rush it and then we would lose out on everything that molds us and teaches us, we would miss some of the more beautiful moments in life.
Sometimes I can taste and feel things in a very literal sense, and sometimes it can and does effect me momentarily on a physical level. This is not always good, but there are certain times when this can be an absolutely profound experience and not just for myself. I am empathic and I often have to be careful to guard myself against the influx of emotion from others, and once in a while I can find myself in places in their lives that is as if I am there. The shadow walk can be very rewarding and traumatic. And every now and then if I allow myself I can feel the pain of another and pull it from them, I can feel and embrace their emotions, it is not reading the mind that is something none of us can do for it is not something allowed, but we can feel it. I have a few ways that are not known to many and for many reasons, they are revealed in times of need, Which is how it should be.
This is what weighs heavy on me but I do not speak of it to anyone for they would just think me nuts and how would I explain it, besides who would want to listen to something that is like a puzzle. I had that once in my life and I can hope that it would happen again in my life, but who really knows. For myself I rarely hold hope of finding my path shared with another, I would enjoy it yes, but I give that hope to others and guide them to find that happiness that everyone seeks to attain and when they do and I see that joy it is the most beautiful gift that they can give me.
I think these thoughts are the ones that come from me embracing what I the woman feels, instead of hiding her and burying her. I am not sure how I feel of things I feel, I do not like these unknown waters that I find myself in I am not sure how to navigate them I have never had to before and I feel as if I am slipping and drowning, but yet I still reach out and stand true to who I am. I want to run and hide and yet I want to explore more so I keep taking steps towards something, but what I am not sure. There are many contradictions and confusion that I find myself in..
This is definitely not something I am familiar with. And it has me off balanced. But I do not think in a bad way.
So it was as I often do, I took solace in my work, it is the one thing I know and I am comfortable with.
I have found that I am double damned in a way, if I reveal what I think and feel it means nothing and if I don't then I am shallow, aloof and cold. So how does one find balance. What makes me different? Do I bleed less, do I feel less pain or sorrow, or is it simply that many think still think I have ice for blood and that I never crack and break? There are times I want to place the bricks back one by one to rebuild that wall and make it solid and impenetrate. I do not like feeling so much, I do not like being in touch with thoughts and emotions, I want the walls back. They are safe, I understand them and I can function with them in place. There is peace not chaos, there is tranquility and quiet not a world full of questions.
And yet, there is that part of me that sits back and wags that finger as if to say, no, no you can't go back. Once you poke a hole in the wall and weaken it, you cannot go back. There is plenty for me to do, and I could easily disappear among the wagons for days and not been seen, that thought has occurred to me. But then I would be a coward if I did that and I have never been such.
As I work it comes to my mind that for so long I have held much of myself within myself, my thoughts and ideas and secrets of things I have done.. I ask myself why? Does it change who I am as a person or a tuchuk if someone learns my secrets ? Are not the things I have done and gone thru learning experiences designed to give me character, strength,understanding, passion, compassion, knowledge, skill and even color. Though some things would be rather checkered if they were put into any shade of color.
It shouldn't but I have the fear of judgement of others. I have the fear of my vulnerability being seen.
It is interesting that I have come to a conclusion that these things are what make me uniquely me. They are what separates me from being a cookie cutter free woman. These things are the things that paint color upon my tapestry of life, that weaves a strong thread of knowledge and confidence and compassion that forms a foundation for myself and others to stand upon. Fear is something we all use to stop ourselves from doing something, being something and taking chances.
The time for hiding has passed.
Sometimes I can taste and feel things in a very literal sense, and sometimes it can and does effect me momentarily on a physical level. This is not always good, but there are certain times when this can be an absolutely profound experience and not just for myself. I am empathic and I often have to be careful to guard myself against the influx of emotion from others, and once in a while I can find myself in places in their lives that is as if I am there. The shadow walk can be very rewarding and traumatic. And every now and then if I allow myself I can feel the pain of another and pull it from them, I can feel and embrace their emotions, it is not reading the mind that is something none of us can do for it is not something allowed, but we can feel it. I have a few ways that are not known to many and for many reasons, they are revealed in times of need, Which is how it should be.
This is what weighs heavy on me but I do not speak of it to anyone for they would just think me nuts and how would I explain it, besides who would want to listen to something that is like a puzzle. I had that once in my life and I can hope that it would happen again in my life, but who really knows. For myself I rarely hold hope of finding my path shared with another, I would enjoy it yes, but I give that hope to others and guide them to find that happiness that everyone seeks to attain and when they do and I see that joy it is the most beautiful gift that they can give me.
I think these thoughts are the ones that come from me embracing what I the woman feels, instead of hiding her and burying her. I am not sure how I feel of things I feel, I do not like these unknown waters that I find myself in I am not sure how to navigate them I have never had to before and I feel as if I am slipping and drowning, but yet I still reach out and stand true to who I am. I want to run and hide and yet I want to explore more so I keep taking steps towards something, but what I am not sure. There are many contradictions and confusion that I find myself in..
This is definitely not something I am familiar with. And it has me off balanced. But I do not think in a bad way.
So it was as I often do, I took solace in my work, it is the one thing I know and I am comfortable with.
I have found that I am double damned in a way, if I reveal what I think and feel it means nothing and if I don't then I am shallow, aloof and cold. So how does one find balance. What makes me different? Do I bleed less, do I feel less pain or sorrow, or is it simply that many think still think I have ice for blood and that I never crack and break? There are times I want to place the bricks back one by one to rebuild that wall and make it solid and impenetrate. I do not like feeling so much, I do not like being in touch with thoughts and emotions, I want the walls back. They are safe, I understand them and I can function with them in place. There is peace not chaos, there is tranquility and quiet not a world full of questions.
And yet, there is that part of me that sits back and wags that finger as if to say, no, no you can't go back. Once you poke a hole in the wall and weaken it, you cannot go back. There is plenty for me to do, and I could easily disappear among the wagons for days and not been seen, that thought has occurred to me. But then I would be a coward if I did that and I have never been such.
As I work it comes to my mind that for so long I have held much of myself within myself, my thoughts and ideas and secrets of things I have done.. I ask myself why? Does it change who I am as a person or a tuchuk if someone learns my secrets ? Are not the things I have done and gone thru learning experiences designed to give me character, strength,understanding, passion, compassion, knowledge, skill and even color. Though some things would be rather checkered if they were put into any shade of color.
It shouldn't but I have the fear of judgement of others. I have the fear of my vulnerability being seen.
It is interesting that I have come to a conclusion that these things are what make me uniquely me. They are what separates me from being a cookie cutter free woman. These things are the things that paint color upon my tapestry of life, that weaves a strong thread of knowledge and confidence and compassion that forms a foundation for myself and others to stand upon. Fear is something we all use to stop ourselves from doing something, being something and taking chances.
The time for hiding has passed.
