The reading of the omens had been both exhilarating and draining, it is that double edged sword of what we do at times,it can feel as if a surge of lightening has gone thru you and awakened every cell and ignited your awareness to a new level that was beyond comprehension, and yet at the same time it could leave you feeling as if something has opened up every artery and vein and let your blood and life force expel from your body as if the floodgates had been opened. I had hoped that the focus it required and the energy from the others would allow for me to keep a grasp on something grounded and beautiful, it did for a short time but all to soon it slipped from my grasp and I was back into the world around me, the one that was currently ravenous and snarling like two rabid sleen fighting for the last nugget of food. Either way it was worth it for it gave us what Ayguili sought to have and know. So in some small way I was a part of something worthwhile and was not just sitting on the sidelines doing nothing or hopping along like hop-a-long tuchuk. I do not do well doing nothing. So for me it was something good to grasp and hold on to for a moment in time.
I had returned to my wagons to clean up and rest for a short time, I didn't want to shock anymore than I already did with my attire. One would think I never look like a woman by the stares I got. I do not see what the big deal was to me I still looked as I always look. Like me.
I also knew that I had stood for too long and also moved about to much, for the ritual took quite a few ahn to complete, and I was feeling the lingering effects. The only thing I really wanted was to find some rest and to get a large bowl of black wine and not really in that order. I think maybe I wont tell anyone just what I was doing , so that the healers don't fuss at me. They already give me that look that seems to say they think I haven't been listening when I actually did and still do to a point. Although now I can pretty much change the bandages myself and clean the skin, it is healing, and I have resigned myself to the fact that the skin will scar, how bad I do not yet know, I tell you, this does not do anything for a woman's ego. But, it is what it is, for some reason the sky seemed to decide that I needed them, what purpose I have not yet determined, but I know nothing happens without a reason , even if I do not always get it at first.
But now that I have a bit more endurance, I am taking advantage of it, and some time later I would sit by the fire and see what this meeting was that the Ubar called. I watched as people gathered about, I noticed much of people, changes in some,the actions or lack of in others. I learn a lot by watching, and I learned more than I really was in the mood to deal with. I would regret going to the fires. I should have listened to myself and tried to get some sleep. After a short period of time I had to leave them, I felt a surge of inner turmoil within me as I walked away, I felt as if something in me broke and shattered, but I am not sure exactly what. Was it that last wall escaping my grip or was it my heart and spirit? The range of emotions and thoughts were so vast that I was not sure I could even pluck one out of the air to hold onto it in order to see what it was and meant. I was so lost in thought that I was not aware of where I walked or how long. But I found myself in the vastness of the plains, I felt the heartbeat of the plains, the breath of the plains and the storm of the people that lived within its embrace. At this distance there was a lessening of the intensity of thought and emotion, I could breathe for a moment, I could stand here and almost feel nothing. It was quiet.. and for a while I would savor this.
I would lift my face to the sky as I felt the first drops of rain begin to fall, a breath of relief rushed from me at least that seemed to be right I did not misinterpret the readings, at first I was afraid with all that I had been feeling that I had. Fonce had asked me to do this.. Ayguili had asked me and I really did not want to fail in it. So I was greatly relieved that all was as it should be. Then I looked around the plains as the rain came down slowly, steady and gently, there were no storms on the horizon only a peacefulness to allow for cleansing and healing, something we needed. As I watched it seemed like the night was etched with a ghostly white filigree that draped over the lands, as the watery curtain seemed to fall over the people embracing and comforting us, the shadows however they would not reveal their secrets tonight to anyone.
The light caress was cool yet warm to my skin, it was a soothing balm in some way but not really. I thought back to the night. The idea of a gathering was good in fact I do not think I have seen such done in a very, very long time, it spoke well of Ayguili's desire to understand those he leads and know how they feel and want to allow them to feel that they had his ear and that he would listen. It showed his strength as a leader and his commitment to the people and tribe. His intention was good and I support such efforts, however, a few things I observed bothered me.
Now I felt myself bristle a bit, I listened for the most part, usually I will speak up on things, or even be a voice for others, but I did not feel like being anyone's voice, because like I told Ayguili once, sometimes you have to let people step out on their own, they will either fly or destroy themselves. And it was time for those that wished to speak to do so, not make it a bitch session, but to speak of what they felt, or wanted or needed and so many other things, it was a time for a person to realize they make a difference, even one voice can be heard among many, it is a matter of how you use it. And tonight mine was not being used, not because I had no concerns, because I did. But I did not trust myself to speak, I knew with the bombardment of emotions that still lingered and the rawness that surrounded me that I did not dare try to formulate a thought worth speaking so I sat silent and listened.
Now what I perceived may or may not be felt by others, and it is not important if they do or do not, I am not other people, I am simply me, I think for myself and speak for myself, I have always had to do so, I know no other way, now the few things that upset me, I do not think they were intentional, which is why I really was quiet and observant. I saw more than many realize, I hear more than most can grasp. Just because I am quiet does not mean I do not know. It is when I am silent that you should worry.
Much of what he suggested made sense and I would support even if I did not, at least in public I would, for I would never dishonor a man in public, that just is not me. Now what I might say away from ears that glue themselves to wagons, is entirely a different story. The longer I sat the more I felt myself ready to burst like an erupting volcano, some things would not normally upset me, but right now every little thing was magnified. I finally had to get up and leave, it was just to much for me to sit and listen to. When he asked if something was wrong, I did not give my usual no everything is fine I just have work to do, designed to hide what I was feeling, I told him yes. Well, now.. anyone who knows me.. knows if I want to speak in public I will do so with no holds bar, I call it as it is. But if I do not want to, there is usually a reason, and never ever try to force me. Now, Ayguili he does not know me very well, so I did not rip into him as I really felt like doing nor could I hold it against him for not knowing, don't push me, for then I feel like you are backing me into a corner and I will come out with claws and fangs bared and go for the jugular, see he was safe ... tonight.
Plus he is someone I care for and respect so that also would temper my words. I spoke true in what I told him and Fonce. I still hand some semblance of control and I was keeping a firm hand on it, I would not dishonor him nor would I dishonor my family by saying something that I should not in a way I should not.
Fonce attempted to force me now you know that man should know better, he knows how I can get at times, skies know he and I have gone head to head enough times over the turnings. I also knew he knew what I was going thru, and his idea has not yet worked, in fact I find myself breaking and losing. But he did catch what I said and I think he understood.
What happens if I can not put the controls in place in time. Will I suffer the same fate as the others and ride the sky before my time.
It was here that Chulun found me. At first he said nothing.. Then he spoke.
"You know you are at your most vulnerable right now."
Me vulnerable? Who would believe it.
I had returned to my wagons to clean up and rest for a short time, I didn't want to shock anymore than I already did with my attire. One would think I never look like a woman by the stares I got. I do not see what the big deal was to me I still looked as I always look. Like me.
I also knew that I had stood for too long and also moved about to much, for the ritual took quite a few ahn to complete, and I was feeling the lingering effects. The only thing I really wanted was to find some rest and to get a large bowl of black wine and not really in that order. I think maybe I wont tell anyone just what I was doing , so that the healers don't fuss at me. They already give me that look that seems to say they think I haven't been listening when I actually did and still do to a point. Although now I can pretty much change the bandages myself and clean the skin, it is healing, and I have resigned myself to the fact that the skin will scar, how bad I do not yet know, I tell you, this does not do anything for a woman's ego. But, it is what it is, for some reason the sky seemed to decide that I needed them, what purpose I have not yet determined, but I know nothing happens without a reason , even if I do not always get it at first.
But now that I have a bit more endurance, I am taking advantage of it, and some time later I would sit by the fire and see what this meeting was that the Ubar called. I watched as people gathered about, I noticed much of people, changes in some,the actions or lack of in others. I learn a lot by watching, and I learned more than I really was in the mood to deal with. I would regret going to the fires. I should have listened to myself and tried to get some sleep. After a short period of time I had to leave them, I felt a surge of inner turmoil within me as I walked away, I felt as if something in me broke and shattered, but I am not sure exactly what. Was it that last wall escaping my grip or was it my heart and spirit? The range of emotions and thoughts were so vast that I was not sure I could even pluck one out of the air to hold onto it in order to see what it was and meant. I was so lost in thought that I was not aware of where I walked or how long. But I found myself in the vastness of the plains, I felt the heartbeat of the plains, the breath of the plains and the storm of the people that lived within its embrace. At this distance there was a lessening of the intensity of thought and emotion, I could breathe for a moment, I could stand here and almost feel nothing. It was quiet.. and for a while I would savor this.
I would lift my face to the sky as I felt the first drops of rain begin to fall, a breath of relief rushed from me at least that seemed to be right I did not misinterpret the readings, at first I was afraid with all that I had been feeling that I had. Fonce had asked me to do this.. Ayguili had asked me and I really did not want to fail in it. So I was greatly relieved that all was as it should be. Then I looked around the plains as the rain came down slowly, steady and gently, there were no storms on the horizon only a peacefulness to allow for cleansing and healing, something we needed. As I watched it seemed like the night was etched with a ghostly white filigree that draped over the lands, as the watery curtain seemed to fall over the people embracing and comforting us, the shadows however they would not reveal their secrets tonight to anyone.
The light caress was cool yet warm to my skin, it was a soothing balm in some way but not really. I thought back to the night. The idea of a gathering was good in fact I do not think I have seen such done in a very, very long time, it spoke well of Ayguili's desire to understand those he leads and know how they feel and want to allow them to feel that they had his ear and that he would listen. It showed his strength as a leader and his commitment to the people and tribe. His intention was good and I support such efforts, however, a few things I observed bothered me.
Now I felt myself bristle a bit, I listened for the most part, usually I will speak up on things, or even be a voice for others, but I did not feel like being anyone's voice, because like I told Ayguili once, sometimes you have to let people step out on their own, they will either fly or destroy themselves. And it was time for those that wished to speak to do so, not make it a bitch session, but to speak of what they felt, or wanted or needed and so many other things, it was a time for a person to realize they make a difference, even one voice can be heard among many, it is a matter of how you use it. And tonight mine was not being used, not because I had no concerns, because I did. But I did not trust myself to speak, I knew with the bombardment of emotions that still lingered and the rawness that surrounded me that I did not dare try to formulate a thought worth speaking so I sat silent and listened.
Now what I perceived may or may not be felt by others, and it is not important if they do or do not, I am not other people, I am simply me, I think for myself and speak for myself, I have always had to do so, I know no other way, now the few things that upset me, I do not think they were intentional, which is why I really was quiet and observant. I saw more than many realize, I hear more than most can grasp. Just because I am quiet does not mean I do not know. It is when I am silent that you should worry.
Much of what he suggested made sense and I would support even if I did not, at least in public I would, for I would never dishonor a man in public, that just is not me. Now what I might say away from ears that glue themselves to wagons, is entirely a different story. The longer I sat the more I felt myself ready to burst like an erupting volcano, some things would not normally upset me, but right now every little thing was magnified. I finally had to get up and leave, it was just to much for me to sit and listen to. When he asked if something was wrong, I did not give my usual no everything is fine I just have work to do, designed to hide what I was feeling, I told him yes. Well, now.. anyone who knows me.. knows if I want to speak in public I will do so with no holds bar, I call it as it is. But if I do not want to, there is usually a reason, and never ever try to force me. Now, Ayguili he does not know me very well, so I did not rip into him as I really felt like doing nor could I hold it against him for not knowing, don't push me, for then I feel like you are backing me into a corner and I will come out with claws and fangs bared and go for the jugular, see he was safe ... tonight.
Plus he is someone I care for and respect so that also would temper my words. I spoke true in what I told him and Fonce. I still hand some semblance of control and I was keeping a firm hand on it, I would not dishonor him nor would I dishonor my family by saying something that I should not in a way I should not.
Fonce attempted to force me now you know that man should know better, he knows how I can get at times, skies know he and I have gone head to head enough times over the turnings. I also knew he knew what I was going thru, and his idea has not yet worked, in fact I find myself breaking and losing. But he did catch what I said and I think he understood.
What happens if I can not put the controls in place in time. Will I suffer the same fate as the others and ride the sky before my time.
It was here that Chulun found me. At first he said nothing.. Then he spoke.
"You know you are at your most vulnerable right now."
Me vulnerable? Who would believe it.
Well, okay maybe just a little bit.
