I often venture to the stream it is a place where I can think, and let what I feel roll off of me, I know it is the water for water is emotion, it is strength and it is succor for me. I do not seem to find much peace there as of late and I am thinking I need to find a new spot to be able to let everything within me out.
As it was I happened to find some peace and tranquility, I was letting it wash over me and heal the open wounds inside me that were seeping and bleeding. I felt a ripple in the evening air,I knew who was nearing for I knew his the feel of him and the scent of him, just as I did, my father, my children, Ayguili, Silk, Cana, Fonce,Seveya, Mezoo and so many others of the tribe, each person has a unique feel to me, a distinct scent and their heart beat is very precise and different.
Ongel joined me at the stream, I watched as he sat beside me, there was something weighing on him , I could see it and feel it. He asked to check my legs and I allowed it, as I watched him work on them it came to me to let him know that sometimes it helped to share things, he tried that evasive maneuver we all use when we do not really want to say what is troubling us, nice try but that never works with me. So I did not give him out in this, I could see a seriousness to him that is rarely there, and I grew concerned, something was not right.
He took my hands in his, first red flag, any time a man does that when they look that serious, you already know you are not going to like it and it is not going to feel all nice and sweet and peachy. I hate when I am right, his words for a moment stung and bruised my pride and ego, " If I have lead you on Tarra, I am sorry. I wouldn't ever want to hurt you. You have been the closest person to myself I have met since trying for the first fires. I got a lesson the last hand, that, I am shamed of. I never want to make anyone feel the way I felt."
I wanted to be angry I wanted to be hurt and yes, I was on a certain level, not at him but at myself. I should have known not to dare have hope or think that a warrior would be interested, even ones my age seem to want what the younger ones do as well. I was angry at myself for even being so idiotic and foolish, I allowed myself to feel. Not a mistake I will do again.
But, how can you fault a man who is being honest, you cant. I would think less of him if he were less than honest, for I hate deceit from anyone on any level. It took me a few moments of thought before I spoke, I told him not to worry about me, I appreciated the honesty. We spoke in depth of something he had happen to him. He felt that he made himself look like a fool before others, I was sincere that I felt sorry he was feeling as he did, I would not wish anyone to feel in such a way, emotions are a fragile thing at times.
I would wince here and there as he applied fresh salve to the healing flesh, while it wasn't as bad as it was there was still pain there, a good sign, it meant no permanent damage. And it was enough of a reminder that I was flesh and blood still, living and breathing.
We spoke of what he had with his first mate Breanna, I realized that he thought he could capture that, the thing is we cannot capture what we had with one, with another, that is not possible for each person is different. But what we find with another is just as special and deep, I assured him he was not to old for such dreams and he was no fool. I would be lying if I did not want to have with another what I had with Garyx, so did that make us foolish? No I think it makes us human, it makes us want to aspire for something more.
What he is seeking for he is ready for, but now he felt the need to be cautious, I tried to guide him along a path that taking risks is worth the pain, the disappointment and hurt, because when we find what is right, we treasure it that much more. I spoke more of this to him sharing various thoughts, the talk was a good talk, and maybe I helped him. I gave him my thoughts on the woman who made him feel as he did, I provided what I felt of it and thought. It was an interesting discussion.
As we spoke of the girls, I offered to give him a few things and help him if he needed it, he had a few concerns, I offered, but I knew he would not take me up on it, it was a feeling. The reasons I do not know, I never force anything on anyone, I offer it is up to them what they do with it.
He commented on how things felt different.. When I asked what was different he said I was. I am sure he picked up on the fact I withdrew. How could I not, I just made a complete utter fool of myself, not only in front of him but others, talk about really being foolish, he was not the fool. I was licking my wounds. He asked so I shared, now he did irritate me with his comment that it made him worse that I was only fun and kind to him because I wanted him as a mate. Of all the things to say, that just annoyed the life out of me. First of all being interested and allowing myself to explore feelings and the attraction did not mean I was going to seek him as a mate, one.. I do not chase any man. If a man wants me then he will find a way to get me, it sure isn't going to be that easy. For a warrior to have me he will have much to prove. And secondly, did he really think that is the only reason I did anything, for skies sake that is ridiculous and I told him as much.
I did things because I enjoyed it, I had no motives and I had no expectations, I do not play those games with anyone, I leave that for children. That kind of hurt worse than his rejection of me. Damn talk about a double edge sword. A few more things were spoken of and I think he got the picture that regardless of what has happened or not happened. I am not that superficial or shallow, he is still a friend. It will just take me a day or so to work thru it and get myself back in balance.
He mentioned chasing a woman that didn't want him, well now, it is my thought that no he just made a wrong choice, one that was teaching him something, he just had to look at it differently. It only means that he was being a typical man. When will warriors learn that babes just out of their mothers arms are not going to be what they really want or need. Now he found that amusing, go figure.
When all is said and done, life goes on.
We can only see what life offers us and where we end up. I value the gift of friendship.
As it was I happened to find some peace and tranquility, I was letting it wash over me and heal the open wounds inside me that were seeping and bleeding. I felt a ripple in the evening air,I knew who was nearing for I knew his the feel of him and the scent of him, just as I did, my father, my children, Ayguili, Silk, Cana, Fonce,Seveya, Mezoo and so many others of the tribe, each person has a unique feel to me, a distinct scent and their heart beat is very precise and different.
Ongel joined me at the stream, I watched as he sat beside me, there was something weighing on him , I could see it and feel it. He asked to check my legs and I allowed it, as I watched him work on them it came to me to let him know that sometimes it helped to share things, he tried that evasive maneuver we all use when we do not really want to say what is troubling us, nice try but that never works with me. So I did not give him out in this, I could see a seriousness to him that is rarely there, and I grew concerned, something was not right.
He took my hands in his, first red flag, any time a man does that when they look that serious, you already know you are not going to like it and it is not going to feel all nice and sweet and peachy. I hate when I am right, his words for a moment stung and bruised my pride and ego, " If I have lead you on Tarra, I am sorry. I wouldn't ever want to hurt you. You have been the closest person to myself I have met since trying for the first fires. I got a lesson the last hand, that, I am shamed of. I never want to make anyone feel the way I felt."
I wanted to be angry I wanted to be hurt and yes, I was on a certain level, not at him but at myself. I should have known not to dare have hope or think that a warrior would be interested, even ones my age seem to want what the younger ones do as well. I was angry at myself for even being so idiotic and foolish, I allowed myself to feel. Not a mistake I will do again.
But, how can you fault a man who is being honest, you cant. I would think less of him if he were less than honest, for I hate deceit from anyone on any level. It took me a few moments of thought before I spoke, I told him not to worry about me, I appreciated the honesty. We spoke in depth of something he had happen to him. He felt that he made himself look like a fool before others, I was sincere that I felt sorry he was feeling as he did, I would not wish anyone to feel in such a way, emotions are a fragile thing at times.
I would wince here and there as he applied fresh salve to the healing flesh, while it wasn't as bad as it was there was still pain there, a good sign, it meant no permanent damage. And it was enough of a reminder that I was flesh and blood still, living and breathing.
We spoke of what he had with his first mate Breanna, I realized that he thought he could capture that, the thing is we cannot capture what we had with one, with another, that is not possible for each person is different. But what we find with another is just as special and deep, I assured him he was not to old for such dreams and he was no fool. I would be lying if I did not want to have with another what I had with Garyx, so did that make us foolish? No I think it makes us human, it makes us want to aspire for something more.
What he is seeking for he is ready for, but now he felt the need to be cautious, I tried to guide him along a path that taking risks is worth the pain, the disappointment and hurt, because when we find what is right, we treasure it that much more. I spoke more of this to him sharing various thoughts, the talk was a good talk, and maybe I helped him. I gave him my thoughts on the woman who made him feel as he did, I provided what I felt of it and thought. It was an interesting discussion.
As we spoke of the girls, I offered to give him a few things and help him if he needed it, he had a few concerns, I offered, but I knew he would not take me up on it, it was a feeling. The reasons I do not know, I never force anything on anyone, I offer it is up to them what they do with it.
He commented on how things felt different.. When I asked what was different he said I was. I am sure he picked up on the fact I withdrew. How could I not, I just made a complete utter fool of myself, not only in front of him but others, talk about really being foolish, he was not the fool. I was licking my wounds. He asked so I shared, now he did irritate me with his comment that it made him worse that I was only fun and kind to him because I wanted him as a mate. Of all the things to say, that just annoyed the life out of me. First of all being interested and allowing myself to explore feelings and the attraction did not mean I was going to seek him as a mate, one.. I do not chase any man. If a man wants me then he will find a way to get me, it sure isn't going to be that easy. For a warrior to have me he will have much to prove. And secondly, did he really think that is the only reason I did anything, for skies sake that is ridiculous and I told him as much.
I did things because I enjoyed it, I had no motives and I had no expectations, I do not play those games with anyone, I leave that for children. That kind of hurt worse than his rejection of me. Damn talk about a double edge sword. A few more things were spoken of and I think he got the picture that regardless of what has happened or not happened. I am not that superficial or shallow, he is still a friend. It will just take me a day or so to work thru it and get myself back in balance.
He mentioned chasing a woman that didn't want him, well now, it is my thought that no he just made a wrong choice, one that was teaching him something, he just had to look at it differently. It only means that he was being a typical man. When will warriors learn that babes just out of their mothers arms are not going to be what they really want or need. Now he found that amusing, go figure.
When all is said and done, life goes on.
We can only see what life offers us and where we end up. I value the gift of friendship.
