As each day passed, I would slowly move about more and more, mostly to stretch my legs,although I did not do to much just enough to keep my body and mind from growing weak. I found myself going insane with doing nothing, though I tried to occupy my hands by sitting on the platform going thru a basket that had some jars of oils and salves that were salvaged,one of the slaves brought them to me so I would sit for ahns working on them. I am not sure what all will be salvageable from the remains of my personal spex wagon, I think its the sentimental things lost that were on it that bother me more than the rare plants and oils, I can always have those replaced. However, the amulet that was Tanzia's, the wind chimes, and other oddities that used to hang around it, those are not replaceable, for each had a sentimental attachment to it.
I found it strange that neither Mezoo nor Cana came by my wagons, I think I felt a bit of my own hurt and disappointment flow thru me,I expect it from others, but I guess with them I felt it more acutely, mostly because I have noticed a few things that bother me, but I could not be sure what I was feeling, how much was mine and how much was not. I was also disappointed in a few others. But I knew of some things that prevented one or two from doing so. I know it is a rough busy time for everyone, I had to shake my head it has to be the over sensitivity I am feeling that brings those sensations to the surface. I really hope that whatever this is, will pass soon. I do not like this.
I find myself chomping at the bit, I wanted to be busy, by now I would have already have made my rounds on people to check on them see what they needed, and it annoyed me that I could not. And the few times I ventured out the defensiveness and attititude of a few begins to grate on my last nerve and I am about to let loose some heavy artillery if it keeps up.
Bottom line is this. Get over it.
I felt that bitch part of me begin to rise upward with a ghostly shadowing of what could happen if I allowed it, I could feel it begin to flourish at the surface, I felt myself wanting to say things in a way that I should not, so instead of falling into that drama that was wanted, I simply went out riding, Mist Runner appeared as he often does to my relief, I was afraid he had been lost. I rode as fast and as hard as I could. Problem is.. it did not help. Everything still clung to me. So I rode back to the wagons and dismounted and headed towards the stream, maybe the water would help.
As I drew near I saw Fonce sitting there toying with something at first I was not sure what as it was only a glimpse of something tiny in his fingers, as I neared I saw it was a flute. Before I could say anything he spoke, and damn if he did not comment on the skirt, he liked it. Well hell.. What can a woman say to that, it is not often a man compliments me. As I sat down next to him I told him that it was a very impractical thing. Not that I was yet doing any work but if I were it was not easy for me to do things I needed to in it. His next words took me by surprise, " practical .. sometimes sexy is not practical at all probably what makes it attractive in the first place." Damn, he managed to leave me without anything to say back to that.
I was silent for a moment as I removed the leather slippers I had borrowed from one of the elders and looked him, speaking rather honestly, " Sexy and me are rarely used in the same sentence by men." I found it rather amusing in a way because it was something that was true, most men seem to enjoy the taller more statuesque type, ones with exotic or delicate looks, young, innocent, malleable, women like me that are pretty average in color and description, stubborn, spirited, wild and untamable do not inspire much in men, this has been proven more than once over the past few turnings. It is something I have come to accept of myself. For some reason he seemed surprised by this and did not believe it. Well, for one, Fonce he tends to think differently and see differently about various things than some men. Although I did tease him by telling him he just liked seeing me in that damn skirt. But I know what I have seen and experienced.
This lead to his thoughts on how a skirt was more attractive than leathers, because you can see less and there is more of a lure there to him as a man. I could understand his thought on that and in truth it made a lot of sense. But I tend to wear things for comfort and practicality versus how it looks. But then again I was not one to really ever give my looks or appearance much thought, I take care of myself yes, because I think it is beneficial to me on all levels of being. I assured him that I was not the type of woman that men would normally chase or look twice at. If ever he needed proof he only needed to look around. But it really wasn't important, because I can not change who I am, how I look or what kind of person or woman I am. I can only be true to me. Granted, that seems to bother most men, I am not the type they can control and have at their beck and call, to be with me, means it is a partnership, not one where I am submissive to their every command. While I may be loyal, supportive and take care of someone who would be by my side, but I sure was not going to bat my eyes, giggle and be all starry eyed and give into every whim. But, any way my thoughts get ahead of me, I think because of my emotional state and thoughts of those I have been mated to before that wished these things that caused it to feel at the moment like salt on an open wound. I needed his help, it is not often I ask for it even when I do need it. And it is not often I even come to him for help.
At first I was not sure he heard me as he spoke of it being bosk shit about men and he added about while we may not have always agreed on things he had found me attractive as a woman, and reminded me that he had said so before when opportunity had presented itself. Well, now this was true. I could not disagree he has and his opinion always meant a lot to me, it still does. Though I told him not to get used to the skirt to which I earned the comment of "tease." Now coming from him I knew it was not meant in a bad way but in humor.
It was from here that the talk grew serious. He asked what I needed his help with, see he was listening, not that I had any doubt. I was not sure how much he really knew of what I could do or could not do. So I explained to him the empathic ability that I have, why I am careful of when I touch people or when people touch me and also why some I keep at a very clear distance regardless of what I think of them. I shared with him of what I have been feeling lately of how my protective barriers are not holding, this is something new for me it has never happened since I was a young woman learning. I was not handling it well and I could feel it physically which pushed me closer to that verge of insanity that seemed to beckon and call like some addictive drug, I had the knowledge,experience and wisdom to recognize it and struggle against it, but I felt myself losing the battle.
He asked why I felt this was happening, and spoke of all the tragedies I have been thru and all the sorrows of the people I have felt before. He is right I have been thru much not only on a personal level but with the tribe as well, the tribulations and trials have never affected me like this. We spoke of various things and went into some depth of it, I could see him thinking on what I was sharing. He thought something was changing inside me and asked if I was aware of anything.
I had the thought that maybe it was the personal changes that I knew were going on within me, the walls that had fallen to the point that I could not hold them in place or rebuild them. He asked of this. Now I am not sure myself at times what is going on within me as this process takes place or even why it is, but I tried to explain it as best that I could.
I have been trying to remove the walls I hide behind, the ones that I use to protect myself with. Although in truth I want them up more than I want them down. I have been trying to get back to me, the real me. Not the persona that I use out in public. Mine were originally initiated for protection and defense. He asked if the reasons for the walls had changed. This is not an easy question to answer, I think in some ways yes and in others no, people give me new reasons to keep them in place. But I answered the question honestly, the original reasons I think are gone but I held on to them and over time misconceptions of me have fallen into place. Garyx had started to remove them and some sort of domino effect has occurred since then slowly over time.
It had occurred to me as we talked that when I promised Garyx I would not die,that in order to do that I had to live, meaning that I had to be alive, me Tarra, not the spex,not the friend, not the mother, but me the woman. Fonce was of the thought the changes were for good reasons, but, it was obvious that I used those convient walls as controls for my empathic abilities, and now I had to learn new controls.
Well.. Shit... new ones? This was unchartered territory.
And I was not sure I was ready for this, or that I even liked it.
We spoke of ways to relearn these things and to also let those that can understand help, sometimes there are those outside the clan who can help. That I knew, Garyx was no spex but he understood enough about me to be able to do that. I am not sure there is anyone that can do that for me. But I will try to not lose hope.
Speaking of this gift of feeling brought us to a discussion of how he is not able to feel things. He told me it was rare for him to feel things and when he does find someone that he can taste their emotions he is addicted. Now this I found interesting.
Taste emotions. Yes, I was curious of this.
He shared with me that he was an emotional scavenger, a bottomless pit, with an insatiable appetite for it. He did not know why this was. So my next logical question was, what did it taste like. He told me they were mixed, just like paints to form a different taste altogether. But it is rare that he finds someone he can do this with. Now see, it was here that I revealed that I wish I did not feel so deeply, I can most times separate my emotions from the emotions of others, my own are often very deep and very intense and very binding to me. It is my thought people really cant handle that sort of depth as a rule, maybe that is why it is so hard for me. The few times I can not separate are when I do things using my abilities to take pain and other things from people, manifesting them within myself, then their emotions cause my own to become over sensitive and raw and I cant decipher which is mine or which is theirs.
I asked of other emotions that I had seen in him,he explained he has his own emotions, but they are distant and difficult to grasp or feel. I wondered if this was something that would change in time, he did not think so and felt it was how he was hardwired. Well, maybe that is why we need each other.
His suggestion was that I return back to basics, to learn once more how my gift works and work on it from the bottom up. To relearn things this time without those walls in place. I was honest in the fact that those walls are familiar, it is not easy to let them completely go and even harder to resist the urge to rebuild them. But as I look back on everything I have lived and learned, I felt I needed to learn them and feel them so I could use my abilities to help others and to guide them and counsel them. He told me I had a lot of self awareness which is also a gift.
People do not want to always look inside themselves, any one that does is rather masochistic according to Fonce, there are times I enjoy the more sadistic things in life. But as he said he enjoys looking within himself, is it masochistic or sadistic? Well, maybe its both. Either way it is never easy to do, but there are times I feel that pull and that need to do so. I know I lost a part of me the day that I was forced from the plains, at one time I was more like Hallie, wild, untamable, carefree, light of spirit and always had a laugh that was ready to explode.
Now I say lost, but Fonce said, was it merely set aside behind one of the walls. My thought it is that she is buried so deep that she is suffocating and lost. The question yet remains on how to find her. I have my doubts but he did not seem to and he offered to help and be there if I needed it. That meant a lot.
I ventured into a talk on a more personal level, I was curious of his feelings for Seveya, so I asked him, if he cant feel what does he feel for Seveya, can he taste it, was it love? As his brow lifted I knew he was pondering this question and of how to answer it. And then he spoke, " it is like the difference between the memory of sex ...and the act ... to feel the difference between the memory of a taste..and no.. it is not love or what I know of love. I am addicted to being able to feel .. and she gives me that. I do not know why .. or how it works ... but to feel is something I value more than I can explain it makes me feel real . . makes me feel alive. " I thought to his words for a moment turning them over in my mind, I did not expect the usual answers from Fonce, and I was not disappointed. Perhaps that is why I enjoy certain discussions he makes one think outside of the box. "I understand." I stated to him and in truth I did. Feeling alive is something that is important, it is priceless. And if ever one never felt alive before in the true deep sense of it then they would understand this.
He felt that for him relationship is built on feeling alive not the other way around, and he was also of the thought that this might be odd. I was not so sure it was, do we not begin to feel alive around those that touch us the deepest? But I did not think this odd. But again, this was my opinion, I often see some things, well actually many things very differently than most do.
To have someone make you feel alive is an incredible feeling, one that should be embraced and cherished wether it is fleeting or for a long period of time. I told him that Seveya was lucky to have him and that whatever it is may it grow and flourish, who knows where it may lead them, could be it be happiness or sorrow? Could it be destruction or growth? Could it be all of that and more.. or less.. Who is to really say. I think though that each person takes a path and takes a risk, we may gain much we may lose much. But to take the step. That is what makes life worth living, for if we never take a step we never see or feel anything.
Sometimes we must let people take those steps to find awaits them..
Though he feels he is the one that is lucky and is waiting for the sky to fall, my suggestion was to focus on what the sky has blessed him with, to savor it and enjoy it and to focus on the positive. His lack of faith in the sky, well I understand it, I too have felt her cruel jokes, the sky and I for some time have had a tumultuous relationship and my faith is somewhat tarnished. The sky has a sadistic sense of humor, one I do not always find amusing.
I leaned in and kissed his cheek as I hugged him, thanking him for taking the time to talk with me and to try and help me, it meant more to me than I think he realizes.
It was time for me to rest and I really did not want to have Ongel and Silk handing me my head on the proverbial silver platter. For once I was listening, although I was not sure how much longer I could.
To my surprise he thanked me, I was not sure what for as I did nothing, so I had to ask, his answer was simple in a way, he thanked me for my time, my words and my understanding. It meant as much to me as it did him. Although his wish to dream well, now that was something I was not sure I wanted to do. Somehow I am not surprised he found it amusing it was to escape that shadow warrior of my dreams. That warrior was irritating my last nerve and I don't even know who he is. Go figure.
He found that funny, and wanted to one day hear of it, he should be careful of what he wishes for I just might share that dream. Well in a way, I suppose it is rather amusing.. in a sadistic.. masochistic sort of way.
I found it strange that neither Mezoo nor Cana came by my wagons, I think I felt a bit of my own hurt and disappointment flow thru me,I expect it from others, but I guess with them I felt it more acutely, mostly because I have noticed a few things that bother me, but I could not be sure what I was feeling, how much was mine and how much was not. I was also disappointed in a few others. But I knew of some things that prevented one or two from doing so. I know it is a rough busy time for everyone, I had to shake my head it has to be the over sensitivity I am feeling that brings those sensations to the surface. I really hope that whatever this is, will pass soon. I do not like this.
I find myself chomping at the bit, I wanted to be busy, by now I would have already have made my rounds on people to check on them see what they needed, and it annoyed me that I could not. And the few times I ventured out the defensiveness and attititude of a few begins to grate on my last nerve and I am about to let loose some heavy artillery if it keeps up.
Bottom line is this. Get over it.
I felt that bitch part of me begin to rise upward with a ghostly shadowing of what could happen if I allowed it, I could feel it begin to flourish at the surface, I felt myself wanting to say things in a way that I should not, so instead of falling into that drama that was wanted, I simply went out riding, Mist Runner appeared as he often does to my relief, I was afraid he had been lost. I rode as fast and as hard as I could. Problem is.. it did not help. Everything still clung to me. So I rode back to the wagons and dismounted and headed towards the stream, maybe the water would help.
As I drew near I saw Fonce sitting there toying with something at first I was not sure what as it was only a glimpse of something tiny in his fingers, as I neared I saw it was a flute. Before I could say anything he spoke, and damn if he did not comment on the skirt, he liked it. Well hell.. What can a woman say to that, it is not often a man compliments me. As I sat down next to him I told him that it was a very impractical thing. Not that I was yet doing any work but if I were it was not easy for me to do things I needed to in it. His next words took me by surprise, " practical .. sometimes sexy is not practical at all probably what makes it attractive in the first place." Damn, he managed to leave me without anything to say back to that.
I was silent for a moment as I removed the leather slippers I had borrowed from one of the elders and looked him, speaking rather honestly, " Sexy and me are rarely used in the same sentence by men." I found it rather amusing in a way because it was something that was true, most men seem to enjoy the taller more statuesque type, ones with exotic or delicate looks, young, innocent, malleable, women like me that are pretty average in color and description, stubborn, spirited, wild and untamable do not inspire much in men, this has been proven more than once over the past few turnings. It is something I have come to accept of myself. For some reason he seemed surprised by this and did not believe it. Well, for one, Fonce he tends to think differently and see differently about various things than some men. Although I did tease him by telling him he just liked seeing me in that damn skirt. But I know what I have seen and experienced.
This lead to his thoughts on how a skirt was more attractive than leathers, because you can see less and there is more of a lure there to him as a man. I could understand his thought on that and in truth it made a lot of sense. But I tend to wear things for comfort and practicality versus how it looks. But then again I was not one to really ever give my looks or appearance much thought, I take care of myself yes, because I think it is beneficial to me on all levels of being. I assured him that I was not the type of woman that men would normally chase or look twice at. If ever he needed proof he only needed to look around. But it really wasn't important, because I can not change who I am, how I look or what kind of person or woman I am. I can only be true to me. Granted, that seems to bother most men, I am not the type they can control and have at their beck and call, to be with me, means it is a partnership, not one where I am submissive to their every command. While I may be loyal, supportive and take care of someone who would be by my side, but I sure was not going to bat my eyes, giggle and be all starry eyed and give into every whim. But, any way my thoughts get ahead of me, I think because of my emotional state and thoughts of those I have been mated to before that wished these things that caused it to feel at the moment like salt on an open wound. I needed his help, it is not often I ask for it even when I do need it. And it is not often I even come to him for help.
At first I was not sure he heard me as he spoke of it being bosk shit about men and he added about while we may not have always agreed on things he had found me attractive as a woman, and reminded me that he had said so before when opportunity had presented itself. Well, now this was true. I could not disagree he has and his opinion always meant a lot to me, it still does. Though I told him not to get used to the skirt to which I earned the comment of "tease." Now coming from him I knew it was not meant in a bad way but in humor.
It was from here that the talk grew serious. He asked what I needed his help with, see he was listening, not that I had any doubt. I was not sure how much he really knew of what I could do or could not do. So I explained to him the empathic ability that I have, why I am careful of when I touch people or when people touch me and also why some I keep at a very clear distance regardless of what I think of them. I shared with him of what I have been feeling lately of how my protective barriers are not holding, this is something new for me it has never happened since I was a young woman learning. I was not handling it well and I could feel it physically which pushed me closer to that verge of insanity that seemed to beckon and call like some addictive drug, I had the knowledge,experience and wisdom to recognize it and struggle against it, but I felt myself losing the battle.
He asked why I felt this was happening, and spoke of all the tragedies I have been thru and all the sorrows of the people I have felt before. He is right I have been thru much not only on a personal level but with the tribe as well, the tribulations and trials have never affected me like this. We spoke of various things and went into some depth of it, I could see him thinking on what I was sharing. He thought something was changing inside me and asked if I was aware of anything.
I had the thought that maybe it was the personal changes that I knew were going on within me, the walls that had fallen to the point that I could not hold them in place or rebuild them. He asked of this. Now I am not sure myself at times what is going on within me as this process takes place or even why it is, but I tried to explain it as best that I could.
I have been trying to remove the walls I hide behind, the ones that I use to protect myself with. Although in truth I want them up more than I want them down. I have been trying to get back to me, the real me. Not the persona that I use out in public. Mine were originally initiated for protection and defense. He asked if the reasons for the walls had changed. This is not an easy question to answer, I think in some ways yes and in others no, people give me new reasons to keep them in place. But I answered the question honestly, the original reasons I think are gone but I held on to them and over time misconceptions of me have fallen into place. Garyx had started to remove them and some sort of domino effect has occurred since then slowly over time.
It had occurred to me as we talked that when I promised Garyx I would not die,that in order to do that I had to live, meaning that I had to be alive, me Tarra, not the spex,not the friend, not the mother, but me the woman. Fonce was of the thought the changes were for good reasons, but, it was obvious that I used those convient walls as controls for my empathic abilities, and now I had to learn new controls.
Well.. Shit... new ones? This was unchartered territory.
And I was not sure I was ready for this, or that I even liked it.
We spoke of ways to relearn these things and to also let those that can understand help, sometimes there are those outside the clan who can help. That I knew, Garyx was no spex but he understood enough about me to be able to do that. I am not sure there is anyone that can do that for me. But I will try to not lose hope.
Speaking of this gift of feeling brought us to a discussion of how he is not able to feel things. He told me it was rare for him to feel things and when he does find someone that he can taste their emotions he is addicted. Now this I found interesting.
Taste emotions. Yes, I was curious of this.
He shared with me that he was an emotional scavenger, a bottomless pit, with an insatiable appetite for it. He did not know why this was. So my next logical question was, what did it taste like. He told me they were mixed, just like paints to form a different taste altogether. But it is rare that he finds someone he can do this with. Now see, it was here that I revealed that I wish I did not feel so deeply, I can most times separate my emotions from the emotions of others, my own are often very deep and very intense and very binding to me. It is my thought people really cant handle that sort of depth as a rule, maybe that is why it is so hard for me. The few times I can not separate are when I do things using my abilities to take pain and other things from people, manifesting them within myself, then their emotions cause my own to become over sensitive and raw and I cant decipher which is mine or which is theirs.
I asked of other emotions that I had seen in him,he explained he has his own emotions, but they are distant and difficult to grasp or feel. I wondered if this was something that would change in time, he did not think so and felt it was how he was hardwired. Well, maybe that is why we need each other.
His suggestion was that I return back to basics, to learn once more how my gift works and work on it from the bottom up. To relearn things this time without those walls in place. I was honest in the fact that those walls are familiar, it is not easy to let them completely go and even harder to resist the urge to rebuild them. But as I look back on everything I have lived and learned, I felt I needed to learn them and feel them so I could use my abilities to help others and to guide them and counsel them. He told me I had a lot of self awareness which is also a gift.
People do not want to always look inside themselves, any one that does is rather masochistic according to Fonce, there are times I enjoy the more sadistic things in life. But as he said he enjoys looking within himself, is it masochistic or sadistic? Well, maybe its both. Either way it is never easy to do, but there are times I feel that pull and that need to do so. I know I lost a part of me the day that I was forced from the plains, at one time I was more like Hallie, wild, untamable, carefree, light of spirit and always had a laugh that was ready to explode.
Now I say lost, but Fonce said, was it merely set aside behind one of the walls. My thought it is that she is buried so deep that she is suffocating and lost. The question yet remains on how to find her. I have my doubts but he did not seem to and he offered to help and be there if I needed it. That meant a lot.
I ventured into a talk on a more personal level, I was curious of his feelings for Seveya, so I asked him, if he cant feel what does he feel for Seveya, can he taste it, was it love? As his brow lifted I knew he was pondering this question and of how to answer it. And then he spoke, " it is like the difference between the memory of sex ...and the act ... to feel the difference between the memory of a taste..and no.. it is not love or what I know of love. I am addicted to being able to feel .. and she gives me that. I do not know why .. or how it works ... but to feel is something I value more than I can explain it makes me feel real . . makes me feel alive. " I thought to his words for a moment turning them over in my mind, I did not expect the usual answers from Fonce, and I was not disappointed. Perhaps that is why I enjoy certain discussions he makes one think outside of the box. "I understand." I stated to him and in truth I did. Feeling alive is something that is important, it is priceless. And if ever one never felt alive before in the true deep sense of it then they would understand this.
He felt that for him relationship is built on feeling alive not the other way around, and he was also of the thought that this might be odd. I was not so sure it was, do we not begin to feel alive around those that touch us the deepest? But I did not think this odd. But again, this was my opinion, I often see some things, well actually many things very differently than most do.
To have someone make you feel alive is an incredible feeling, one that should be embraced and cherished wether it is fleeting or for a long period of time. I told him that Seveya was lucky to have him and that whatever it is may it grow and flourish, who knows where it may lead them, could be it be happiness or sorrow? Could it be destruction or growth? Could it be all of that and more.. or less.. Who is to really say. I think though that each person takes a path and takes a risk, we may gain much we may lose much. But to take the step. That is what makes life worth living, for if we never take a step we never see or feel anything.
Sometimes we must let people take those steps to find awaits them..
Though he feels he is the one that is lucky and is waiting for the sky to fall, my suggestion was to focus on what the sky has blessed him with, to savor it and enjoy it and to focus on the positive. His lack of faith in the sky, well I understand it, I too have felt her cruel jokes, the sky and I for some time have had a tumultuous relationship and my faith is somewhat tarnished. The sky has a sadistic sense of humor, one I do not always find amusing.
I leaned in and kissed his cheek as I hugged him, thanking him for taking the time to talk with me and to try and help me, it meant more to me than I think he realizes.
It was time for me to rest and I really did not want to have Ongel and Silk handing me my head on the proverbial silver platter. For once I was listening, although I was not sure how much longer I could.
To my surprise he thanked me, I was not sure what for as I did nothing, so I had to ask, his answer was simple in a way, he thanked me for my time, my words and my understanding. It meant as much to me as it did him. Although his wish to dream well, now that was something I was not sure I wanted to do. Somehow I am not surprised he found it amusing it was to escape that shadow warrior of my dreams. That warrior was irritating my last nerve and I don't even know who he is. Go figure.
He found that funny, and wanted to one day hear of it, he should be careful of what he wishes for I just might share that dream. Well in a way, I suppose it is rather amusing.. in a sadistic.. masochistic sort of way.
