I took a few days to isolate myself from people, the influx of grief, anger, denial, pain and confusion was whirling in the air like a tornado, I have never felt such at this degree of intensity, I was trying my best to block it but somehow it kept penetrating that shield I placed about me.
And when it did it was like hot acid melting my flesh, sharp blades nipping at my flesh, millions of shards of glass shooting into my heart, it hurt physically, it wore on my emotionally. I would curl into a fetal position and try to block it out but I couldn't, Never have I seen or felt this in all my life.
I did not know how to handle this. I did not know what to do.
Once I heard Chulun come in and felt his arms around me as she spoke softly. He spoke of all of us that were empathic were suffering. For a moment as he held me it was as if he blocked it and I could breath, it was not that he was a spex that did it, it was just him being there and not feeling things that I did seemed to help.
But not for long.
I decided to go to the stream and soak my bandages, I was relaxing in the quiet, no one was near and for a brief moment I could breath and not feel so overwhelmed. Silk joined me and we spoke of various things, then Noya joined us, and something she asked lead to me speaking of how everyone helped each other, she was not alone to carry everything alone, her response set my nerves on edge, like a knife drawing along the surface, her answer was not clear so spoke of things it could be seeking clarification, again that irritation snapped into place, and I said a few things, my temper was short and just beneath the surface and she was dancing on my last nerve and I was not going to sit there and take it. She left with the children, thing is, everyone is helping with children and adult alike no one person is shouldered with a heavy burden the tribe helps each other one hand reaches to another, it is how we are, and it was a reminder I spoke of.
Soon everyone and their brother joined us and I felt my temper and other emotions churn and turn, Ayguili came and took Noya aside and I knew he was telling her of Triloks death, I had felt his heartbeat stop back when she asked me, I could only tell her he would be found on the plains, I did not say how. It was not my place to say. I felt her pain as did Silk, we know what it feels like to be left alone with young children to raise, but we are there for her and each of us told her this. Then there is Cana, I need to check on her. We would be there to help. We are tribe.. we are family we are tuchuk.
Mezoo joined us and it was odd her behavior, I noticed a distance in her, I do not know what is going on but I feel something is not right. I watched as Ayguili took her for a walk and I smiled, I was glad to see him doing so. It revealed the sincerity of his heart and the depth of his heart. I left the stream after a while, it was to much for me and I found myself wanting to bury myself in the ground to hide, not even a place I would want to be, but I felt it. I asked Silk if she was hungry and if she wished to join me at the fires, yep she is starving, a sure sign of pregnancy, though her raw meat and chocolate was a bit strange even for me, yea coming from someone who has been a cannibal at one time, that was rather amusing. Maybe tomorrow I will have one of the healers tend to my legs. Maybe the bandages will come off. Silk would enjoy being sadistic to darn much, but I think she needs to talk. So maybe I will use that as an excuse to go see her.
I took my warmed milk with honey and headed to my wagon. I have stayed here for a few days, I am afraid to come out, it is to much for me. I find myself cracking and shattering, I want to scream and cry and let out all I feel, I know I need to but I am afraid to. I do not know what to do with this.. how to handle it.. One of the younger spex I have heard is out of his head and died from the trauma of it. Now that scares me, please tell me the same fate does not await me.
The only thing that crosses my mind right now is... Someone reach in and help me. Don't let me lose my mind.
Oh, and one more thing, don't let that bitch with claws in me lose control. I really don't want to cause bloodshed.
