.... parts unknown

Vulnerable

It caused an array of tastes to explode upon my palate. It could have several meanings to it. Especially when it was uttered by Chulun. He has become a dear friend to me as well as a trusted and valued teacher, in some ways I think he is more like a grandfather to me.

"Do you lack the courage to face what you need to?" He would ask suddenly out of the blue.

Without warning I felt this sudden surge of anger rise upward like a coiled snake ready to strike and crush its prey, I could not stop the low hiss that slipped past my lips, my voice did not even sound like my own. I felt her fight to emerge and be free, I felt the dark witch that was a part me want to lash out and wreck havoc. And yet I felt something else within me hiding behind her fighting to be free, screaming for someone to hear, crying out for someone to reach in and offer that hand that would be a lifeline.

"Old man be careful of what you ask for." Was growled out low.

To my shock and surprise and my eyes widened with what I just did and said, I never speak to any of the older ones in such a tone or manner, I covered my mouth with my hands and looked to him. "Oh good skies! I am so sorry, I never do that." I could only imagine what he would think. I felt as if my control was slipping faster and faster with each passing day, every time I opened my mouth it came out in a way it should not and much was felt behind it that should not be. To my amazement that old man he just smiled and laughed, his words made no sense to me for some time.

"Good, good. You are making progress.. Tell me Tarra. Why do you try to keep such a strong control of your emotions, you very rarely let anyone know what you truly feel, you brush things aside even when they hurt you deeply and anger you. You keep them in a place that seems to others untouchable."

This was dangerous, he was venturing into an area I was not ready for and I watched him with the wariness of a caged animal. I had to think upon his words, that meant going backwards in time to various places and events, trying to remember when I began to perfect the skill. I felt myself fighting against looking I did not really want to go back, though a part of me knew the answer. " Do not stop, you are no coward, you are not some weak minded woman that you fear the truth" I felt that sudden rush of emotion once more and I curled my hands into fists to keep from lashing out, I felt the nails dig into my flesh. And again he would only nod and smile, was he a masochistic old man? I began to wonder.

I drew in a slow unsteady breath, I could feel a cold sweat ensconce my body, I felt my heart thunder loudly in my chest as I looked out over the plains, I knew how to do this, I always do it with ease, why was it so hard tonight, it was as if I were a beginner. In the curtain of water that fell over the plains I could see Lochley and Garyx, it was as if I could reach out and touch them and I felt my heart break once more, I felt the sudden rush of warm tears mix with the cool rain and a low agonizing cry of pain was drawn from the very depths of my soul. The two people in my life who always loved me no matter what, accepted me flaws and all, supported me even when they did not always understand, they loved me with a depth and commitment that the loss of it was like removing a part of myself. They always had a way to guide me and give me direction.

And as much as I wanted to reach out and touch them and take the help I knew they would reveal, I had to close my eyes and force myself to not reach into that realm. "No." I whispered softly. "No! Go away,!" I would utter with more vehemence. "Why did you tell them to go Hallena?" I heard Chulun ask me. I knew he was aware of things I could see and how I could walk between various dimensions. Crap, I thought to myself he is using my true name, he only did that during certain times and I knew that he was in a mode that would wring the very life from me before the night was done. I knew I could not evade and dance around it. I would have to walk that fine line now in order to preserve my sanity. I tried to think of all that Fonce told me as well.

"Because, I have to do this myself, no one can give the answers." He was silent for a few moments and I had to open my eyes and look to him. "So you feel you have to do this alone?" Damn he was not going to let go of this tonight, and I knew he knew the chaotic fragility I was feeling, of the storm of emotions that I felt. "No, that is not what I am saying." I knew I could not get thru this alone. If nothing else I had discovered this.

"Continue." He would command

Eventually in my mind I found myself back upon the plains when I was a child, where all things began and all things ended, in a sense it was as if I were coming full circle. I watched thru different eyes and suddenly I realized when I began to perfect hiding my emotions, often I thought it was when my father sent me away and when the dwellers that I was forced to be around tried to destroy who and what I was. They nearly succeeded but I seem to have this resilient nature that allows me to rise from the destruction and ashes to emerge stronger, to survive. But, that was not when I began.

It began when I was younger, as I watched my father with others, I noticed how he was one way in private and one way in public, there was a duality of persona, the softer side and the tougher side. I patterned some things after him, this is not anything in which you place blame, for there is no wrong or right, only doing the best that we each can be, I watched the outriders, of how they were give such a strong show of being tough, unbreakable, strong, courageous and unbending in some ways. But, yet they could laugh and enjoy the things in life they loved and cherished. That is when I learned to perfect that control.

I felt myself slowly lower downward to the ground, all the emotions that have been bombarding me since the fire came out, that low mournful cry of grief and sorrow for the loss of so many lives, for the pain of those that lost family and loved ones. I felt the emergence of the heavy weight of knowing there was nothing that could be done to help everyone, the burden or responsibility, the feeling of not being adequate of being useless, I felt that almost manical laughter of deceit and manipulation crawl thru me, I knew where each emotion belonged and to whom. I greatest thing I felt though was the sensation of being overwhelmed, it was as if I were drawing the mantle of emotions from the tribe to give them a sense of lightness and peace and balance. I felt it being sucked into me only to be released in a flood tide of sorrow, I felt my hands move along the plains as if I could claw my way down into the deepest depths of it. It released with an intensity that was painful and yet I could also begin to feel an awareness of relief.

I became aware of Chulun sitting beside me and gathering me in his arms and rocking me as his gnarled hand smoothed the wet strands of my hair. " Now you can begin." He would state in a low tone. "Now those of us that care about you and love you can help you." I did not understand his words, I only know I felt the warmth of him and I clung to him like a child who had just been thru hell and back. Perhaps in that moment, the child was allowed out, to begin to heal and grow as she was destined to. I felt my head throb and ache as the sobs began to quiet, my breath though seemed to still come in short rapid gasps. It took some time for that to subside.

"Come you must rest." I had to agree as I slowly stood with him, both of us were soaked to the skin and his mate was going to fuss at him and kick his butt. He offered his hand to help me stand and I took it and stood, feeling somewhat shaky and unsteady,he offered to walk back with me. But I needed to walk back on my own accord, I am not sure why but I knew just as I lived and breathed that I needed to.

"I need to do it on my own." I would state softly. He would nod and walk back with me towards my wagons. It took some time and by the time I arrived, I could swear that it felt as if every synapse was firing and connecting, the liquid fire would flood every cell no matter how minute. It was an awareness that was new to me and I was not sure what to think of it. "Tarra, be warned you will be over sensitive and there will be difficulty in separating things." I looked to him I had already had trouble figuring out what was mine and what was not, this was just not something I wanted to know. " Do not give up. No matter how bad it gets." He then hugged me and left.

I sat for a long time on the steps of my wagon.

Yes,now I was vulnerable. And I felt it.

Now what?

The prelude to . . .

The reading of the omens had been both exhilarating and draining, it is that double edged sword of what we do at times,it can feel as if a surge of lightening has gone thru you and awakened every cell and ignited your awareness to a new level that was beyond comprehension, and yet at the same time it could leave you feeling as if something has opened up every artery and vein and let your blood and life force expel from your body as if the floodgates had been opened. I had hoped that the focus it required and the energy from the others would allow for me to keep a grasp on something grounded and beautiful, it did for a short time but all to soon it slipped from my grasp and I was back into the world around me, the one that was currently ravenous and snarling like two rabid sleen fighting for the last nugget of food. Either way it was worth it for it gave us what Ayguili sought to have and know. So in some small way I was a part of something worthwhile and was not just sitting on the sidelines doing nothing or hopping along like hop-a-long tuchuk. I do not do well doing nothing. So for me it was something good to grasp and hold on to for a moment in time.


I had returned to my wagons to clean up and rest for a short time, I didn't want to shock anymore than I already did with my attire. One would think I never look like a woman by the stares I got. I do not see what the big deal was to me I still looked as I always look. Like me.

I also knew that I had stood for too long and also moved about to much, for the ritual took quite a few ahn to complete, and I was feeling the lingering effects. The only thing I really wanted was to find some rest and to get a large bowl of black wine and not really in that order. I think maybe I wont tell anyone just what I was doing , so that the healers don't fuss at me. They already give me that look that seems to say they think I haven't been listening when I actually did and still do to a point. Although now I can pretty much change the bandages myself and clean the skin, it is healing, and I have resigned myself to the fact that the skin will scar, how bad I do not yet know, I tell you, this does not do anything for a woman's ego. But, it is what it is, for some reason the sky seemed to decide that I needed them, what purpose I have not yet determined, but I know nothing happens without a reason , even if I do not always get it at first.

But now that I have a bit more endurance, I am taking advantage of it, and some time later I would sit by the fire and see what this meeting was that the Ubar called. I watched as people gathered about, I noticed much of people, changes in some,the actions or lack of in others. I learn a lot by watching, and I learned more than I really was in the mood to deal with. I would regret going to the fires. I should have listened to myself and tried to get some sleep. After a short period of time I had to leave them, I felt a surge of inner turmoil within me as I walked away, I felt as if something in me broke and shattered, but I am not sure exactly what. Was it that last wall escaping my grip or was it my heart and spirit? The range of emotions and thoughts were so vast that I was not sure I could even pluck one out of the air to hold onto it in order to see what it was and meant. I was so lost in thought that I was not aware of where I walked or how long. But I found myself in the vastness of the plains, I felt the heartbeat of the plains, the breath of the plains and the storm of the people that lived within its embrace. At this distance there was a lessening of the intensity of thought and emotion, I could breathe for a moment, I could stand here and almost feel nothing. It was quiet.. and for a while I would savor this.

I would lift my face to the sky as I felt the first drops of rain begin to fall, a breath of relief rushed from me at least that seemed to be right I did not misinterpret the readings, at first I was afraid with all that I had been feeling that I had. Fonce had asked me to do this.. Ayguili had asked me and I really did not want to fail in it. So I was greatly relieved that all was as it should be. Then I looked around the plains as the rain came down slowly, steady and gently, there were no storms on the horizon only a peacefulness to allow for cleansing and healing, something we needed. As I watched it seemed like the night was etched with a ghostly white filigree that draped over the lands, as the watery curtain seemed to fall over the people embracing and comforting us, the shadows however they would not reveal their secrets tonight to anyone.

The light caress was cool yet warm to my skin, it was a soothing balm in some way but not really. I thought back to the night. The idea of a gathering was good in fact I do not think I have seen such done in a very, very long time, it spoke well of Ayguili's desire to understand those he leads and know how they feel and want to allow them to feel that they had his ear and that he would listen. It showed his strength as a leader and his commitment to the people and tribe. His intention was good and I support such efforts, however, a few things I observed bothered me.

Now I felt myself bristle a bit, I listened for the most part, usually I will speak up on things, or even be a voice for others, but I did not feel like being anyone's voice, because like I told Ayguili once, sometimes you have to let people step out on their own, they will either fly or destroy themselves. And it was time for those that wished to speak to do so, not make it a bitch session, but to speak of what they felt, or wanted or needed and so many other things, it was a time for a person to realize they make a difference, even one voice can be heard among many, it is a matter of how you use it. And tonight mine was not being used, not because I had no concerns, because I did. But I did not trust myself to speak, I knew with the bombardment of emotions that still lingered and the rawness that surrounded me that I did not dare try to formulate a thought worth speaking so I sat silent and listened.

Now what I perceived may or may not be felt by others, and it is not important if they do or do not, I am not other people, I am simply me, I think for myself and speak for myself, I have always had to do so, I know no other way, now the few things that upset me, I do not think they were intentional, which is why I really was quiet and observant. I saw more than many realize, I hear more than most can grasp. Just because I am quiet does not mean I do not know. It is when I am silent that you should worry.

Much of what he suggested made sense and I would support even if I did not, at least in public I would, for I would never dishonor a man in public, that just is not me. Now what I might say away from ears that glue themselves to wagons, is entirely a different story. The longer I sat the more I felt myself ready to burst like an erupting volcano, some things would not normally upset me, but right now every little thing was magnified. I finally had to get up and leave, it was just to much for me to sit and listen to. When he asked if something was wrong, I did not give my usual no everything is fine I just have work to do, designed to hide what I was feeling, I told him yes. Well, now.. anyone who knows me.. knows if I want to speak in public I will do so with no holds bar, I call it as it is. But if I do not want to, there is usually a reason, and never ever try to force me. Now, Ayguili he does not know me very well, so I did not rip into him as I really felt like doing nor could I hold it against him for not knowing, don't push me, for then I feel like you are backing me into a corner and I will come out with claws and fangs bared and go for the jugular, see he was safe ... tonight.

Plus he is someone I care for and respect so that also would temper my words. I spoke true in what I told him and Fonce. I still hand some semblance of control and I was keeping a firm hand on it, I would not dishonor him nor would I dishonor my family by saying something that I should not in a way I should not.

Fonce attempted to force me now you know that man should know better, he knows how I can get at times, skies know he and I have gone head to head enough times over the turnings. I also knew he knew what I was going thru, and his idea has not yet worked, in fact I find myself breaking and losing. But he did catch what I said and I think he understood.

What happens if I can not put the controls in place in time. Will I suffer the same fate as the others and ride the sky before my time.

It was here that Chulun found me. At first he said nothing.. Then he spoke.

"You know you are at your most vulnerable right now."

Me vulnerable? Who would believe it.

Well, okay maybe just a little bit.

The Reading of the Omens and a Blessing Recieved

From the platform of her wagon she sat watching everything around her as she contemplated Ayguili and Fonce's request for a reading of omens and blessing for their safe journey to the new more life enriched lands. She knew from each of them that they needed rain, the clan had been watching you could tell the sky wanted to release its life giving tears, but it could not yet do so, perhaps it only needed the reverence and respect given to it that it was owed. So they would create such designed to entice the sky to open up her arms and bestow the priceless gift of rain.

Tarra watched the grass as if swayed in whispered waves to release its heady fragrance in the air,giving to the people a soothing balm of comfort. She watched how the herlit flew along the sky the direction it took and how it turned sometimes it was as if its wings were brushing along the plains as if embracing us to let us know all was going to be well. The clouds they would change shapes and colors, within them she saw a lady bug, a larl and a serpent. She would think upon these things and what they meant, Good luck was coming from the gift of the sky, the raw power of the fire did not destroy it only served allow them to flourish and grow, the healing art of self renewal was beginning and the flow of the life force represented the knowledge of life and mystery.

The younger ones of the Haruspex clan were setting up not only a large circle but a place that formed a curved line within the circle. As she moved from the platform to prepare she drank in everything around her, often she was full of wonder of everything around her, always thirsting to know more and learn more, to experience everything and anything.

She felt beneath her feet the layer of dew resting heavy on the grass as it bowed gently beneath her steps, they had reached their new camp and soon there would be celebrations, but this night the clan would first do a blessing and a ritual for rain. They needed the slow, steady gentle rain that would nourish, cleanse and heal the hearts and spirits. To wash away the heaviness and negativity that seemed to wrap about them, it was time to cut that mantle of sorrow to allow life to expand and glow.

She bathed in a ritual bath as all the other elders did, she then took a sacred jar of oil it held a glimmer of red to it, she would slowly and methodically rub it into her skin, just as three other elders would do so with one of blue, one of green and one of yellow. Her skin would take on a radiant glow and in the right light and with the right movement, the shimmer of red would seem to capture the flames of the fire, just as the blue captured the waves of water, the yellow the breath of air and the green the blades of grass. The ebony tendrils were not tightly braided instead they were loosely woven and white flowers were secured into an intricate pattern, a white skirt would embrace her hips and flow in a liquid caress down to her ankles,a snug vest embraced her and the ties were decorated with colorful herlit feathers, attached to the back was a cape one side white and one side black, each decorated with miniature diamonds to symbolize the stars and silver discs to symbolize the moon , spider web was woven through out it allowing it to glimmer and shimmer as if alive. Arm bands decorated her arms and designs were painted upon her stomach, arms and face. Each elder would prepare in the same way, the man in black the women in white.

She wanted to do something different than their usual rituals, she wanted to expand beyond the standard and let the sky reveal and speak to them. To let the plains guide its children. Stepping from her wagon, she knew a few that happened to pass her were momentarily stunned, it was rare she ever attired her self in any formal regalia. There was an air of strength, compassion,gentleness, passion and a beauty that radiated from within and without. Her steps were graceful and light as she headed to join the others, younger Haruspex would form the outer circle each of them attired in clothing that represented the colors of the plains,

Within the circle at each cardinal were large poles erected holding globes that were suspended by a network web worked rope to allow the blue glow to illuminate the circle. The fire within the globes danced faintly to allow an aura of mysticism embrace them. There were no altars erected but by each pole were items placed in specially prepared white hides. Each elder took a place and three lines formed, everyone grasped the hand beside them as slow music filled the air, it held a dream like melody as at first the outer circle began to dance to the gentle rhythm and an ancient song filled the air, a few ehns later the elders would join in with a mysterious chant that the words were not known but to a few. The evoked the guardians of the spirits and the elementals. The energy would begin to rise and the air would hum and crackle as each group moved faster and seemed to become as one, the array of color and the shimmering capes created a tapestry of reverence to the sky, for a moment it seemed as if the entire sky illuminated in a brilliant light.

Then there was a sudden silence as in unison each Haruspex bowed down in supplication to the sky, offering respect and the humbleness of reverence. The ground was covered with a light iridescent mantle of fog within it designs that would reveal the answer they sought. In thanks four would rise, each taking a position by the poles.

First spoke the Elder that represented air, she would lift her arms and spin around then lower downward to lift a long thin wooden rod that had two serpents carved into it, they were intertwined and along the head rested three black feathers. "Realm of Wind.." she sang out in a light airy voice, " You who are the active intelligence of all the plains people. Where we have both good and evil and mystic worlds beyond, We thank you for being with us, You who govern these things and offer these gifts to us. " She then lifted the rod skyward. "This rod governs the winds." In answer the wind would swirl and flow around them and between them.

Tarra then lowered and lifted a gold sickle that in its curved unblemished blade was in the very tip a red stone embraced. Taking a stance that held the foundation of power she lifted it skyward and in a strong, vibrant voice spoke. " I am a woman of fire. Born of the fire and light, shades of darkness have no sway." She then would turn in a circular motions as if the blade were cutting into the night, it captured the light as she moved. " Realm of Fire. " She called out. "You who are the active force of flame, you who generates inspiration and will. We thank you for being with us. You who govern these things and offer these gifts to us" She then lifted the sickle higher and offered it to the sky "This blade governs the Fire." In answer the flames from the blue globes would burst outward flowing thru the red stone to create a column of fire that would then burst outward and flow around them before once more calming.

The next Elder that represented the water he would walk around the pole lifting his arms wide and drew symbols in the air that represented water. Then he crouched low and lifted the chalice upward, the shell bowl shimmered in the iridescent light and as the beautiful polished base of silver metal embraced it seemed to echo the sounds of the water when a slight breeze passed. The elder then spoke his voice was deep and reverberated around each of them "Realm of Water... " He lifted the chalice higher, "You who are the dark, passive force which symbolizes the emotions of all the plains people, ruled by the pearl moons pale mysteries. We thank you for being with us. You who govern these things and offer these gifts to us." He then extended his arm and the water would spiral and flow into an intricate design that would slowly grow and explode into crystalline droplets that would touch them all.


The last elder he would lift the blue stone disk that was suspended from a leather cord and he also would hold it outward as he walked around the pole. One one side was etched a triple design symbolizing the sky and on the other side were wavy lines and ancient writings. His voice to was deep and powerful. " Realms of Sky and stone. You who are the embodiment of they sky and static forces which harness our movements. This disc unifies the two principles of existence, the eternal beginning and the end. We thank you for being with us. You who govern these things and offer these gifts to us." It was then the disc would swirl and all the elements came together as one , then all four spoke at once.

"To call forth the sacred ones from the deep. One need only a pure heart to keep, When all choices are taken away a perfect path remains. You only need to use your heart to regain."

Within the spectacular display of power they saw within it the answer to their questions. The blessing of the sky was being gifted to them, life would once more flourish, lightness of heart and spirit would touch those upon the tribe. For a few days of a slow, gentle rain would embrace them within the next night.

Tarra would send her youngest son to let Fonce and Ayguili know the outcome of the readings.

Not broken.. just a bit bruised

I often venture to the stream it is a place where I can think, and let what I feel roll off of me, I know it is the water for water is emotion, it is strength and it is succor for me. I do not seem to find much peace there as of late and I am thinking I need to find a new spot to be able to let everything within me out.

As it was I happened to find some peace and tranquility, I was letting it wash over me and heal the open wounds inside me that were seeping and bleeding. I felt a ripple in the evening air,I knew who was nearing for I knew his the feel of him and the scent of him, just as I did, my father, my children, Ayguili, Silk, Cana, Fonce,Seveya, Mezoo and so many others of the tribe, each person has a unique feel to me, a distinct scent and their heart beat is very precise and different.

Ongel joined me at the stream, I watched as he sat beside me, there was something weighing on him , I could see it and feel it. He asked to check my legs and I allowed it, as I watched him work on them it came to me to let him know that sometimes it helped to share things, he tried that evasive maneuver we all use when we do not really want to say what is troubling us, nice try but that never works with me. So I did not give him out in this, I could see a seriousness to him that is rarely there, and I grew concerned, something was not right.

He took my hands in his, first red flag, any time a man does that when they look that serious, you already know you are not going to like it and it is not going to feel all nice and sweet and peachy. I hate when I am right, his words for a moment stung and bruised my pride and ego, " If I have lead you on Tarra, I am sorry. I wouldn't ever want to hurt you. You have been the closest person to myself I have met since trying for the first fires. I got a lesson the last hand, that, I am shamed of. I never want to make anyone feel the way I felt."

I wanted to be angry I wanted to be hurt and yes, I was on a certain level, not at him but at myself. I should have known not to dare have hope or think that a warrior would be interested, even ones my age seem to want what the younger ones do as well. I was angry at myself for even being so idiotic and foolish, I allowed myself to feel. Not a mistake I will do again.

But, how can you fault a man who is being honest, you cant. I would think less of him if he were less than honest, for I hate deceit from anyone on any level. It took me a few moments of thought before I spoke, I told him not to worry about me, I appreciated the honesty. We spoke in depth of something he had happen to him. He felt that he made himself look like a fool before others, I was sincere that I felt sorry he was feeling as he did, I would not wish anyone to feel in such a way, emotions are a fragile thing at times.

I would wince here and there as he applied fresh salve to the healing flesh, while it wasn't as bad as it was there was still pain there, a good sign, it meant no permanent damage. And it was enough of a reminder that I was flesh and blood still, living and breathing.

We spoke of what he had with his first mate Breanna, I realized that he thought he could capture that, the thing is we cannot capture what we had with one, with another, that is not possible for each person is different. But what we find with another is just as special and deep, I assured him he was not to old for such dreams and he was no fool. I would be lying if I did not want to have with another what I had with Garyx, so did that make us foolish? No I think it makes us human, it makes us want to aspire for something more.

What he is seeking for he is ready for, but now he felt the need to be cautious, I tried to guide him along a path that taking risks is worth the pain, the disappointment and hurt, because when we find what is right, we treasure it that much more. I spoke more of this to him sharing various thoughts, the talk was a good talk, and maybe I helped him. I gave him my thoughts on the woman who made him feel as he did, I provided what I felt of it and thought. It was an interesting discussion.

As we spoke of the girls, I offered to give him a few things and help him if he needed it, he had a few concerns, I offered, but I knew he would not take me up on it, it was a feeling. The reasons I do not know, I never force anything on anyone, I offer it is up to them what they do with it.

He commented on how things felt different.. When I asked what was different he said I was. I am sure he picked up on the fact I withdrew. How could I not, I just made a complete utter fool of myself, not only in front of him but others, talk about really being foolish, he was not the fool. I was licking my wounds. He asked so I shared, now he did irritate me with his comment that it made him worse that I was only fun and kind to him because I wanted him as a mate. Of all the things to say, that just annoyed the life out of me. First of all being interested and allowing myself to explore feelings and the attraction did not mean I was going to seek him as a mate, one.. I do not chase any man. If a man wants me then he will find a way to get me, it sure isn't going to be that easy. For a warrior to have me he will have much to prove. And secondly, did he really think that is the only reason I did anything, for skies sake that is ridiculous and I told him as much.

I did things because I enjoyed it, I had no motives and I had no expectations, I do not play those games with anyone, I leave that for children. That kind of hurt worse than his rejection of me. Damn talk about a double edge sword. A few more things were spoken of and I think he got the picture that regardless of what has happened or not happened. I am not that superficial or shallow, he is still a friend. It will just take me a day or so to work thru it and get myself back in balance.

He mentioned chasing a woman that didn't want him, well now, it is my thought that no he just made a wrong choice, one that was teaching him something, he just had to look at it differently. It only means that he was being a typical man. When will warriors learn that babes just out of their mothers arms are not going to be what they really want or need. Now he found that amusing, go figure.

When all is said and done, life goes on.
We can only see what life offers us and where we end up. I value the gift of friendship.

To relearn.. with the help of a freind

As each day passed, I would slowly move about more and more, mostly to stretch my legs,although I did not do to much just enough to keep my body and mind from growing weak. I found myself going insane with doing nothing, though I tried to occupy my hands by sitting on the platform going thru a basket that had some jars of oils and salves that were salvaged,one of the slaves brought them to me so I would sit for ahns working on them. I am not sure what all will be salvageable from the remains of my personal spex wagon, I think its the sentimental things lost that were on it that bother me more than the rare plants and oils, I can always have those replaced. However, the amulet that was Tanzia's, the wind chimes, and other oddities that used to hang around it, those are not replaceable, for each had a sentimental attachment to it.

I found it strange that neither Mezoo nor Cana came by my wagons, I think I felt a bit of my own hurt and disappointment flow thru me,I expect it from others, but I guess with them I felt it more acutely, mostly because I have noticed a few things that bother me, but I could not be sure what I was feeling, how much was mine and how much was not. I was also disappointed in a few others. But I knew of some things that prevented one or two from doing so. I know it is a rough busy time for everyone, I had to shake my head it has to be the over sensitivity I am feeling that brings those sensations to the surface. I really hope that whatever this is, will pass soon. I do not like this.

I find myself chomping at the bit, I wanted to be busy, by now I would have already have made my rounds on people to check on them see what they needed, and it annoyed me that I could not. And the few times I ventured out the defensiveness and attititude of a few begins to grate on my last nerve and I am about to let loose some heavy artillery if it keeps up.

Bottom line is this. Get over it.


I felt that bitch part of me begin to rise upward with a ghostly shadowing of what could happen if I allowed it, I could feel it begin to flourish at the surface, I felt myself wanting to say things in a way that I should not, so instead of falling into that drama that was wanted, I simply went out riding, Mist Runner appeared as he often does to my relief, I was afraid he had been lost. I rode as fast and as hard as I could. Problem is.. it did not help. Everything still clung to me. So I rode back to the wagons and dismounted and headed towards the stream, maybe the water would help.

As I drew near I saw Fonce sitting there toying with something at first I was not sure what as it was only a glimpse of something tiny in his fingers, as I neared I saw it was a flute. Before I could say anything he spoke, and damn if he did not comment on the skirt, he liked it. Well hell.. What can a woman say to that, it is not often a man compliments me. As I sat down next to him I told him that it was a very impractical thing. Not that I was yet doing any work but if I were it was not easy for me to do things I needed to in it. His next words took me by surprise, " practical .. sometimes sexy is not practical at all probably what makes it attractive in the first place." Damn, he managed to leave me without anything to say back to that.

I was silent for a moment as I removed the leather slippers I had borrowed from one of the elders and looked him, speaking rather honestly, " Sexy and me are rarely used in the same sentence by men." I found it rather amusing in a way because it was something that was true, most men seem to enjoy the taller more statuesque type, ones with exotic or delicate looks, young, innocent, malleable, women like me that are pretty average in color and description, stubborn, spirited, wild and untamable do not inspire much in men, this has been proven more than once over the past few turnings. It is something I have come to accept of myself. For some reason he seemed surprised by this and did not believe it. Well, for one, Fonce he tends to think differently and see differently about various things than some men. Although I did tease him by telling him he just liked seeing me in that damn skirt. But I know what I have seen and experienced.

This lead to his thoughts on how a skirt was more attractive than leathers, because you can see less and there is more of a lure there to him as a man. I could understand his thought on that and in truth it made a lot of sense. But I tend to wear things for comfort and practicality versus how it looks. But then again I was not one to really ever give my looks or appearance much thought, I take care of myself yes, because I think it is beneficial to me on all levels of being. I assured him that I was not the type of woman that men would normally chase or look twice at. If ever he needed proof he only needed to look around. But it really wasn't important, because I can not change who I am, how I look or what kind of person or woman I am. I can only be true to me. Granted, that seems to bother most men, I am not the type they can control and have at their beck and call, to be with me, means it is a partnership, not one where I am submissive to their every command. While I may be loyal, supportive and take care of someone who would be by my side, but I sure was not going to bat my eyes, giggle and be all starry eyed and give into every whim. But, any way my thoughts get ahead of me, I think because of my emotional state and thoughts of those I have been mated to before that wished these things that caused it to feel at the moment like salt on an open wound. I needed his help, it is not often I ask for it even when I do need it. And it is not often I even come to him for help.

At first I was not sure he heard me as he spoke of it being bosk shit about men and he added about while we may not have always agreed on things he had found me attractive as a woman, and reminded me that he had said so before when opportunity had presented itself. Well, now this was true. I could not disagree he has and his opinion always meant a lot to me, it still does. Though I told him not to get used to the skirt to which I earned the comment of "tease." Now coming from him I knew it was not meant in a bad way but in humor.

It was from here that the talk grew serious. He asked what I needed his help with, see he was listening, not that I had any doubt. I was not sure how much he really knew of what I could do or could not do. So I explained to him the empathic ability that I have, why I am careful of when I touch people or when people touch me and also why some I keep at a very clear distance regardless of what I think of them. I shared with him of what I have been feeling lately of how my protective barriers are not holding, this is something new for me it has never happened since I was a young woman learning. I was not handling it well and I could feel it physically which pushed me closer to that verge of insanity that seemed to beckon and call like some addictive drug, I had the knowledge,experience and wisdom to recognize it and struggle against it, but I felt myself losing the battle.

He asked why I felt this was happening, and spoke of all the tragedies I have been thru and all the sorrows of the people I have felt before. He is right I have been thru much not only on a personal level but with the tribe as well, the tribulations and trials have never affected me like this. We spoke of various things and went into some depth of it, I could see him thinking on what I was sharing. He thought something was changing inside me and asked if I was aware of anything.

I had the thought that maybe it was the personal changes that I knew were going on within me, the walls that had fallen to the point that I could not hold them in place or rebuild them. He asked of this. Now I am not sure myself at times what is going on within me as this process takes place or even why it is, but I tried to explain it as best that I could.

I have been trying to remove the walls I hide behind, the ones that I use to protect myself with. Although in truth I want them up more than I want them down. I have been trying to get back to me, the real me. Not the persona that I use out in public. Mine were originally initiated for protection and defense. He asked if the reasons for the walls had changed. This is not an easy question to answer, I think in some ways yes and in others no, people give me new reasons to keep them in place. But I answered the question honestly, the original reasons I think are gone but I held on to them and over time misconceptions of me have fallen into place. Garyx had started to remove them and some sort of domino effect has occurred since then slowly over time.

It had occurred to me as we talked that when I promised Garyx I would not die,that in order to do that I had to live, meaning that I had to be alive, me Tarra, not the spex,not the friend, not the mother, but me the woman. Fonce was of the thought the changes were for good reasons, but, it was obvious that I used those convient walls as controls for my empathic abilities, and now I had to learn new controls.

Well.. Shit... new ones? This was unchartered territory.

And I was not sure I was ready for this, or that I even liked it.

We spoke of ways to relearn these things and to also let those that can understand help, sometimes there are those outside the clan who can help. That I knew, Garyx was no spex but he understood enough about me to be able to do that. I am not sure there is anyone that can do that for me. But I will try to not lose hope.

Speaking of this gift of feeling brought us to a discussion of how he is not able to feel things. He told me it was rare for him to feel things and when he does find someone that he can taste their emotions he is addicted. Now this I found interesting.

Taste emotions. Yes, I was curious of this.

He shared with me that he was an emotional scavenger, a bottomless pit, with an insatiable appetite for it. He did not know why this was. So my next logical question was, what did it taste like. He told me they were mixed, just like paints to form a different taste altogether. But it is rare that he finds someone he can do this with. Now see, it was here that I revealed that I wish I did not feel so deeply, I can most times separate my emotions from the emotions of others, my own are often very deep and very intense and very binding to me. It is my thought people really cant handle that sort of depth as a rule, maybe that is why it is so hard for me. The few times I can not separate are when I do things using my abilities to take pain and other things from people, manifesting them within myself, then their emotions cause my own to become over sensitive and raw and I cant decipher which is mine or which is theirs.

I asked of other emotions that I had seen in him,he explained he has his own emotions, but they are distant and difficult to grasp or feel. I wondered if this was something that would change in time, he did not think so and felt it was how he was hardwired. Well, maybe that is why we need each other.

His suggestion was that I return back to basics, to learn once more how my gift works and work on it from the bottom up. To relearn things this time without those walls in place. I was honest in the fact that those walls are familiar, it is not easy to let them completely go and even harder to resist the urge to rebuild them. But as I look back on everything I have lived and learned, I felt I needed to learn them and feel them so I could use my abilities to help others and to guide them and counsel them. He told me I had a lot of self awareness which is also a gift.

People do not want to always look inside themselves, any one that does is rather masochistic according to Fonce, there are times I enjoy the more sadistic things in life. But as he said he enjoys looking within himself, is it masochistic or sadistic? Well, maybe its both. Either way it is never easy to do, but there are times I feel that pull and that need to do so. I know I lost a part of me the day that I was forced from the plains, at one time I was more like Hallie, wild, untamable, carefree, light of spirit and always had a laugh that was ready to explode.

Now I say lost, but Fonce said, was it merely set aside behind one of the walls. My thought it is that she is buried so deep that she is suffocating and lost. The question yet remains on how to find her. I have my doubts but he did not seem to and he offered to help and be there if I needed it. That meant a lot.

I ventured into a talk on a more personal level, I was curious of his feelings for Seveya, so I asked him, if he cant feel what does he feel for Seveya, can he taste it, was it love? As his brow lifted I knew he was pondering this question and of how to answer it. And then he spoke, " it is like the difference between the memory of sex ...and the act ... to feel the difference between the memory of a taste..and no.. it is not love or what I know of love. I am addicted to being able to feel .. and she gives me that. I do not know why .. or how it works ... but to feel is something I value more than I can explain it makes me feel real . . makes me feel alive. " I thought to his words for a moment turning them over in my mind, I did not expect the usual answers from Fonce, and I was not disappointed. Perhaps that is why I enjoy certain discussions he makes one think outside of the box. "I understand." I stated to him and in truth I did. Feeling alive is something that is important, it is priceless. And if ever one never felt alive before in the true deep sense of it then they would understand this.

He felt that for him relationship is built on feeling alive not the other way around, and he was also of the thought that this might be odd. I was not so sure it was, do we not begin to feel alive around those that touch us the deepest? But I did not think this odd. But again, this was my opinion, I often see some things, well actually many things very differently than most do.

To have someone make you feel alive is an incredible feeling, one that should be embraced and cherished wether it is fleeting or for a long period of time. I told him that Seveya was lucky to have him and that whatever it is may it grow and flourish, who knows where it may lead them, could be it be happiness or sorrow? Could it be destruction or growth? Could it be all of that and more.. or less.. Who is to really say. I think though that each person takes a path and takes a risk, we may gain much we may lose much. But to take the step. That is what makes life worth living, for if we never take a step we never see or feel anything.

Sometimes we must let people take those steps to find awaits them..

Though he feels he is the one that is lucky and is waiting for the sky to fall, my suggestion was to focus on what the sky has blessed him with, to savor it and enjoy it and to focus on the positive. His lack of faith in the sky, well I understand it, I too have felt her cruel jokes, the sky and I for some time have had a tumultuous relationship and my faith is somewhat tarnished. The sky has a sadistic sense of humor, one I do not always find amusing.

I leaned in and kissed his cheek as I hugged him, thanking him for taking the time to talk with me and to try and help me, it meant more to me than I think he realizes.

It was time for me to rest and I really did not want to have Ongel and Silk handing me my head on the proverbial silver platter. For once I was listening, although I was not sure how much longer I could.

To my surprise he thanked me, I was not sure what for as I did nothing, so I had to ask, his answer was simple in a way, he thanked me for my time, my words and my understanding. It meant as much to me as it did him. Although his wish to dream well, now that was something I was not sure I wanted to do. Somehow I am not surprised he found it amusing it was to escape that shadow warrior of my dreams. That warrior was irritating my last nerve and I don't even know who he is. Go figure.

He found that funny, and wanted to one day hear of it, he should be careful of what he wishes for I just might share that dream. Well in a way, I suppose it is rather amusing.. in a sadistic.. masochistic sort of way.

To much to carry. . .

They say it is always the darkest before the storm, I think that this is very true as I stand and look over the devastation of the fire, there is no brilliant flowing color of the grasses swaying in the winds only the dark black velvet stubble of grass,instead of brightly colored wagons there was only the charred remains of them in different levels of destruction. It leaves me with only a sense of desolation and loss as I walk thru it. I had no choice but to find my way here. I had been resting for enough time and while I was not intending to do any work, I had to follow for something called to me.

With each step my heart and spirit was heavy and bleeding, I found it hard to breathe as I moved in familiar spaces of now and past. The emotions of the people are at an all time high and at an intensity that a few of us are having trouble with. Chulun has told me of two more that have broken down and become catatonic, one was young and one was old. Both are like me in certain abilities and powers and elements. I do not mind saying this feels me with a sense of unease and dread,and with the thought of will I be next.

I assured Chulun I was fine so the old man would not worry, but I was not, I felt the emotions puncture holes in my protective shields I erected about me. I felt them reach into my very being and wrap around me like a vice. It was as if it were my own pain, my own sorrow, my own hurt and anger. It raged thru me nearly knocking my legs from beneath me. But I had to continue I knew I had no choice I had to see I had to know.

The cries and screams would echo in my head with such a pulsating clarity that it felt as if I were there. I felt the tears flow down my cheeks I could not stop them, I felt the heart wrenching sobs rip from my chest with a fury that I could not stop. The burning of my skin felt as if I stepped into the eye of the inferno, it felt as if my legs were broken, missing, injuries that were not mine attacked me and clung to me as if seeking life. How is it possible they broke thru my barriers. Never has this happened. I can always protect myself, I can always keep myself separate.

Not today. Today everyone was a part of me, I felt the hopes of love and the loss of it, I saw it as if I were a spectator on personal dramas. I felt the unrequited desires and wants, I also saw the paths of lies and deceptions placed and manipulated in a way to make it look as if those that have created them are innocent when in truth they are not. I saw the depth of friendship and the mockery of it. I saw those that truly cared of others and those that only thought of their own wants and needs, there was so much that would bombard me that I fell to my knees and let my hands curl into the charred ground. I felt a deep primal agonizing scream rip from my very soul, it was as if everyone was funneling it thru me and it hurt, the pain was unbearable, I felt myself spiral downward towards the pit of insanity, the place the others have gone. I struggled to keep myself from joining them. I felt physically ill.

My hands moved along the ground as my body felt tortured and my mind felt as if it were being liquefied from the intensity of it, I was vaguely aware of feeling something light, soft and delicate beneath my finger tips, it was thru a haze of pain and tears that I saw my fingers touch a small flower that seemed to survive, it still was connected to the plains,it was still breathing life. I lifted it gently into my hand as I felt arms surround me and lift me from where I was laying, there was no way for me to get up on my own. Ulric knew me better than anyone, even myself. He said nothing, he did not need to, for he knew something was happening, he did not understand it, but he knew it. He lay me to my furs where I fell into a deep restless sleep. Various names and words would escape my lips as I tossed in the suffocating embrace of slumber,

Some time later I would awaken and move to sit on the platform. I was exhausted and wanted this to end. For the moment it was eerily silent, I knew it would not last. Ulric went to check on his mate and he went to help the elders take the spex that have died to the place we have set up for them. Some time later Silk neared and commented on it was good she would not have to look for me. I had to chuckle a bit, I am sure she was surprised to see me here, doing nothing. She checked the bandages and changed them and we spoke of various things. She was feeling better and eating.. I was glad to hear of this, she was not sure if my legs would scar or not or they did how bad. Great, just what I needed a few more to add to my collection. I already had one leg that I kept hidden under my leathers, there is a reason I wear certain clothing, it hides a lot.

I look better with clothes on.

Another loss

If ever I thought I could endure anything, I would have to say that I was wrong in that, the pain that flows thru the burned flesh beneath my bandages makes me want to reach thru and scratch it off and peel it away leaving only the whitened bones. It feels as if the fire itself is still attached to me and is flowing thru my skin twisting and burrowing to find a place to smolder and devour. I try not to take anything because I do not like mind altering pain killers, I do not like to not be able to control my thoughts and emotions for I know what can happen even if others do not. I do not call out for help because I know the healers are stretched to their very limit, and it is only my own frailty at the moment that keeps me from being out there helping,if I were not in such pain I would be, but for now I have no choice. I have to remain in one place.

Sleep consumes me at various intervals and sleep eludes me intermittently as well it is as I am rising and falling into consciousness and unconsciousness,so acutely aware of myself that I can feel the throbbing of the tissues and the force of the blood as it rushes and pulsates thru every vein and artery, I feel the fluid seep from the charred flesh into the bandages the sweat that glides along my brow and neck to slowly travel along my skin until it dissipates. Though this only went on for a day or so, it felt like an eternity.

I did no venture from my wagon even when I was able to move with less pain. I made it was far as my platform one early evening as I felt something pull to me, call to me and beckon me. So I sat there, I was watching the sky waiting.

A short time later, I saw Tasco nearing, he looked weary and I could tell that much was weighing on him, if he was not careful he would succumb to illness, it is a danger for anyone working to help others or making repairs. I spoke of it to him, he of course dismissed it as if nothing, for he had something on his mind something that gave him a focus, and a need to do something. His father was missing.

I spoke to him for a moment or two, listening to what he shared, then I asked for something that belonged to his father, and I took it in my hands and I held it carefully as if it were precious and priceless and it was, for it was something that held the life of his father, everything we use in our lives carries an essence of who we are and what we are.

I let it become a part of me and allowed that part of me that knew how to travel in places and times that others were not aware of, it was something that did not take much effort on my part, yet it ultimately would drain me slightly most times it did not bother me, but right now I was not at my full strength and it would alter the balance, but the cost was worth it in my mind.

I told him where to look, what to look for and that if he was not careful he would overlook it. It would take being very aware of his surroundings and paying attention to every detail to find his father, I saw what happened to his father and it left me with an emotion and sensation I could not define, I did not tell him what I saw. I saw how he died, I could almost touch it, I could feel the heat, I could smell the burning flesh. I watched the scene unfold in my mind before I spoke to him. But all I could tell him was that he would find him, he would be the one to find him.

This seemed to help him, but I am not sure that it would really prepare him. No one can prepare for death, for the loss of those we love. There is always that empty place within us that will never heal. We learn to live with it. That is all we can really do, and honor them with how we live our lives and how we treat others.

I watched him go and then I returned inside my wagons, it would be days before I emerged, I was resting, doing no work, and the inactivity was driving me insane as was other things I was feeling. But I was also testing a theory. While I rested I wanted to see something. I was surprised by those that did come by to see if I needed anything, and I was surprised by those who did not.

Interesting.

Ulric has told me that he has not yet found my father or Falon, two of my fathers wagons are destroyed but there were no bodies within them.

No one has seen them.

Why does it feel like deja vu once more.

Help?

I took a few days to isolate myself from people, the influx of grief, anger, denial, pain and confusion was whirling in the air like a tornado, I have never felt such at this degree of intensity, I was trying my best to block it but somehow it kept penetrating that shield I placed about me.

And when it did it was like hot acid melting my flesh, sharp blades nipping at my flesh, millions of shards of glass shooting into my heart, it hurt physically, it wore on my emotionally. I would curl into a fetal position and try to block it out but I couldn't, Never have I seen or felt this in all my life.

I did not know how to handle this. I did not know what to do.

Once I heard Chulun come in and felt his arms around me as she spoke softly. He spoke of all of us that were empathic were suffering. For a moment as he held me it was as if he blocked it and I could breath, it was not that he was a spex that did it, it was just him being there and not feeling things that I did seemed to help.

But not for long.

I decided to go to the stream and soak my bandages, I was relaxing in the quiet, no one was near and for a brief moment I could breath and not feel so overwhelmed. Silk joined me and we spoke of various things, then Noya joined us, and something she asked lead to me speaking of how everyone helped each other, she was not alone to carry everything alone, her response set my nerves on edge, like a knife drawing along the surface, her answer was not clear so spoke of things it could be seeking clarification, again that irritation snapped into place, and I said a few things, my temper was short and just beneath the surface and she was dancing on my last nerve and I was not going to sit there and take it. She left with the children, thing is, everyone is helping with children and adult alike no one person is shouldered with a heavy burden the tribe helps each other one hand reaches to another, it is how we are, and it was a reminder I spoke of.

Soon everyone and their brother joined us and I felt my temper and other emotions churn and turn, Ayguili came and took Noya aside and I knew he was telling her of Triloks death, I had felt his heartbeat stop back when she asked me, I could only tell her he would be found on the plains, I did not say how. It was not my place to say. I felt her pain as did Silk, we know what it feels like to be left alone with young children to raise, but we are there for her and each of us told her this. Then there is Cana, I need to check on her. We would be there to help. We are tribe.. we are family we are tuchuk.

Mezoo joined us and it was odd her behavior, I noticed a distance in her, I do not know what is going on but I feel something is not right. I watched as Ayguili took her for a walk and I smiled, I was glad to see him doing so. It revealed the sincerity of his heart and the depth of his heart. I left the stream after a while, it was to much for me and I found myself wanting to bury myself in the ground to hide, not even a place I would want to be, but I felt it. I asked Silk if she was hungry and if she wished to join me at the fires, yep she is starving, a sure sign of pregnancy, though her raw meat and chocolate was a bit strange even for me, yea coming from someone who has been a cannibal at one time, that was rather amusing. Maybe tomorrow I will have one of the healers tend to my legs. Maybe the bandages will come off. Silk would enjoy being sadistic to darn much, but I think she needs to talk. So maybe I will use that as an excuse to go see her.


I took my warmed milk with honey and headed to my wagon. I have stayed here for a few days, I am afraid to come out, it is to much for me. I find myself cracking and shattering, I want to scream and cry and let out all I feel, I know I need to but I am afraid to. I do not know what to do with this.. how to handle it.. One of the younger spex I have heard is out of his head and died from the trauma of it. Now that scares me, please tell me the same fate does not await me.

The only thing that crosses my mind right now is... Someone reach in and help me. Don't let me lose my mind.

Oh, and one more thing, don't let that bitch with claws in me lose control. I really don't want to cause bloodshed.

New beginnings.. in more than one way

At first I would fall asleep because I was just that tired, but a few ahns after sleep would claim me as its own it would release me into an awareness of pain and was all consuming. I woke up feeling my legs burn as if nettles were bombarding the raw flesh, it felt as if someone was pouring salt into the wound and rubbing it with black pepper and fire. I could not catch my breath from it and I did not dare move for it only made it worse. How long I lay there I do not even know, one of the healers that I did not know who was checking on everyone while others rested and took a much needed break or were still tending to others.

She must have heard the sound I made as I knocked over a bowl that was near by, I am not one for taking anything strong, wether it is for pain or otherwise, I do not like my senses dulled, but right now, it was exactly what I wanted and needed. I did not ask what foul concoction she made but I drank it and she sat with me until it took effect I was vaguely aware of the rolled fur placed beneath my ankles to elevate my legs.


Whatever it was it worked and I slept the rest of the night, once in a while aware of someone giving me something to more to drink, I did not argue or fight I simply allowed for what needed to be done, to be done.
The next day I did not feel like moving, I slept on and off and I stayed off of my feet. I became aware that I did not see my father or Falon, in fact no one had seen them. Hallie and Arkus were fine in fact they were off helping those in need and were going thru the wreckage that was left behind helping some gather pieces of their lives back together. My youngest son he was helping the elders of the clan find things and try to create an area for us to do some work to see what may be revealed.

It is funny the ones who know me, as suddenly I found my wagon full of young ones wishing a story, or a few others with the need for reassurance and guidance, I was kept busy but not so much that I was unable to rest, never did to many come that I was over doing it. The next day however, I had enough I could not stand it, I do not do well with idle. So I got up, well, the first time that did not go so well, I nearly lost my balance and cracked my head on the wagon. So, I sat in place for a while, contemplating this, I had to chuckle as Chulun brought me a big stick, oh yes, I like this. Talk softly and carry a big stick. He just cut me a look not finding the humor,of course not because that is what he does.

I used the stick to help me regain balance and I only took a few steps at first, not far, just outside, though what I saw just broke my heart, it was just a devastating sight, but yet within it I could see everyone working together, there was still within the pain some joy to be seen, I saw young couples suddenly realize what they meant to each other, and families who had squabbles suddenly embracing and talking, and all of us would take in the young children until their parents were found. I was pleased to see so many women step up and help. So many warriors working side by side. There was a bond there, the one that did not allow for the plains people to break. We were strong.. Together we could make it. We are Tuchuk and we can survive anything.

I would walk around carefully after a while and walk around the burned wagons, Cana was venting and I was glad to hear it, she needed to. It was better than that catatonic state the fire had left her in. One of my wagons was destroyed and my personal spex wagon was almost completely destroyed, I found my fathers slave lily near it, the only way I recognized her was a bit of blonde hair and the size of the corpse that was there. And all my wind chimes were all destroyed some of them were sentimental, and damn, my jar of eyeballs, nothing but little pebbles over the ground of what was once eyeballs. Well damn there went that iconic item.

I did not linger long as I caught the looks Ayguili and Ongel gave me, darn it I was listening, and his words of losing my legs to infection, skies, did he think me that dense. Where was that stick when I needed it.

I returned to my wagon, one because I was up to long and was in pain, and secondly I was feeling the sudden overwhelming of emotions of the plains bombard me. It was for the moment a dull hum, poking and prodding, I felt behind it the pain and sorrow that was imbedded within it.

What was awaiting me... I was not prepared for.

There is fire.. and in our case an inferno of epic proportions

There is a strange fascination I think of people when it comes to fire, but it is an element that is not natural, in fact it is the only element that is not, and it stands on its own, by its own force of will, hence why it is the element of the will, it is destructive and wild, and yet within its flames it can allow for growth and life. It is not an element that you can control and those that try find out very quickly why you can not.

Now I am primarily of the element of fire it is my nature it is a part of my birth, I am one with all elements in a way only a handful of Haruspex are, it is not something I teach unless I see a combination of two elements.
There are a few that I know are of only one element or two and fire is one that beckons to them, I have been watching them, studying them because I like to see what they come up with on their own.

It is a variety of thoughts that come into my mind as the wall of fire builds and intensifies, cutting off the air supply to just a bare minimum. For whatever reason Mezoo decided to battle the element, she acted before any of us could tell her no, I think she has found out rather quickly that she is not ready and without the experience or knowledge that comes with age, she could not win. Her heart might be in the right place, but she should heed the action and examples of the elders who were not attempting to control it. There was a reason we did not touch it nor try to touch it. Just as she tried her hand at the elements I moved along side her intent on helping her and supporting her so she did not get herself severely injured or killed, I cant be angry at her, the skies know I have done similar things when I was young and still do that earn my a slap across my head and a very stern lecture, being an elder doesn't mean you get off easy. I took a stance along the ground I felt the flames along my feet and legs, normally fire does not affect me as fast as this one did, and it made me ponder it, there was something more to this, the sky was telling us something, it wanted us to heed its warning,we were not to interfere and before I could tell Mezoo what I felt I heard Fonce, his wave caught my attention and I was distracted long enough for my young friend to find herself in over her head, suddenly she collapsed from the smoke she was inhaling,and the drain that the fire itself could illicit. I quickly moved to her side and the men helped me get her on my kailla, Fonce's warning to get out confirmed what I suspected.

I covered Mezoo in my cloak and covered her face and held her close to me, if we make it out of this, I am going to beat her arse a few times over, for making me worry. She along with a few others will make me grey or bald. I maneuvered Eclipse so that we could ride towards Fonce. When I cam along side him he would give me a wet scarf to cover her mouth and nose. The birds and animals were rushing along side us seeking safety. There were no predators this day, only life seeking a place to hide, to survive. The acrid smell of burned flesh assailed my senses as it hung in the air, the heavy pungent scent of burning wagons, and the suffocating blanket of smoke wrapped about us, I could feel the lining of my lungs feel as if burning, I could feel sweat form along my skin and taste the combination of smoke and sweat.

There were many sounds that filled the air as the fire hissed and crackled, an inferno carving its path over the plains, devouring everything in its hungry kiss. The screams of people and animals filled the air, it was almost deafening as we rode. The flames licked our bodies and eventually there was a break and we took it. Fonce directed me to find the healers and I did not hesitate in riding fast and hard along the rows of wagons that were being moved and eventually I found Ongel, I was relieved to see him alive and I handed Mezoo off to him, she was still unconscious, I knew he would take good care of her, I had no doubt of his skills as a healer. Ayguili would worry about her I knew, something that was confirmed later when he found her, I saw his expression, that is a man who truly loves his woman. I hope that the two of them work thru the problems that they seem to have.

Ongel mentioned helping with the injuries, I told him I would but with all the noise around us I am not sure how much he heard, first I had to help Fonce, we needed to divert the fire, now we cant always control the elements but we can guide them and fire if you know how to speak to it, feel it and work with it, it will flow in a new direction and find new prey. The men would continue digging the trenches as long as they could and then Fonce would take the rim and I would take the krim ward. Taking a lance I wrapped a cloth at the end and then lit it, I would speak to the guardians of the fire, I spoke their name with the reverence they deserved, then I rode along the ground and set another fire , I lost sight of Fonce as we worked, but I could feel the fire on each side of me, I felt fear, in a way I do not think I could explain. This was unlike anything we have seen before on the plains and I felt a moment of panic and reminded myself to get it together, I was a strong person, I would persevere, so with that same iron willed stubbornness that has saved my life more than once I pressed on, until Ayguili yelled for me to return to the safety of the wagons. I did not have to think twice on this, I quickly rode towards him leaning down to pat out the flames and smoke that encased my boots, they felt hot and yet I felt nothing, probably a good thing.

I asked if he saw Fonce, he had not but would look for him, I then quickly moved along the wagons, Silk and Ongel were at one place so I rode further down and would work to meet them in the middle, there were endless injuries, broken bones, charred flesh, some were beyond any help we could give and it was clear it would only be a matter of time before they drew their last breath, all that could be done was to make them comfortable. I held a few women feeling their tears wet my tunic, their cries pierce my heart, I felt as if I was dying with a few of them, I felt tears form in my eyes and I did what I could with what I had. One little girl her toy kaiila was injured so I bandaged two of his legs and drew a smiley face on the bandage, though my signature mark is to create it with the stitches I improvised for her and drew it. Then I fixed her arm and stitched it and gave her a matching bandage. So many children without their parents and parents without their children, it was heart breaking and we tried to keep everyone together so that no one was alone.

Eventually we came to a stop, and injuries were triaged. I found myself just moving about, not really thinking or feeling at that point, the devastation was overwhelming and I sat by one of the wagons, Ayguili joined me and I looked him over to ensure he was alright. He told me of how Mezoo was , I heard the worry and concern in his voice. The healer eventually joined us and Ayguili had to go and tell that I had injuries, well not that I was hiding the fact but others were in more need than me. I was ordered to the stream, okay I could have argued but I didn't, I was aware the boots needed to come off, I saw what the flames did, and even I knew this was not going to be fun. I was not looking forward to this.

Eventually the healer joined me and he removed his boots and moved into the cool flow of the stream, he worked on the boots, suddenly quickly removing them, I felt the flesh give way reluctantly and the throbbing pain the shot thru my legs was enough to almost make me faint, good skies, I thought of how embarrassing that would be to faint. I struggled to keep aware and fought against the intense pain, I tried not to make a sound, but it hurt worse than those damn cauterizing irons and thorns that pierced my flesh to make the markings on my hands and feet. Even labor pains were easier than this. But no matter how I fought to contain it a few low agonized sounds escaped. I watched him work on my legs letting my vision focus on his hands and not on what he was doing. I tried to think of anything and everything and not on what he was doing.

As I watched I thought of how weak I did appear, many think I am strong, unbreakable, and that I do not need anyone to care for me or protect me, nothing could be more wrong. Yes, I am strong I have had to be in order to survive, but I also need and want someone to be there to take care of me when I need it and yet let me have that free reign I need at times, someone who knows when to let my temper flow and when to reign me in. Someone to wrap me in their arms and hold me telling me that it will be alright. I need protection as well and want it. I wanted to be there for someone to support them, help them and listen to them, to protect them as well, to give the gift of children and so much more. It was all of these things I thought of as he rubbed the raw sensitive flesh, I felt my body tense and I forced my self to not draw my leg away from the pain.

He dressed them with instructions on not to get them dirty and to rest for a day with no walking, and even then I should take it easy, but he wouldn't hold his breath, Ha. .. I might surprise him. I did offer when this was all done and we were all settled that he join me for a night to relax and share a meal.

He carried me to my wagons and I rested my head against his chest, I could hear his heartbeat beneath my ear, even thru the sweat and smoke I could catch his scent that loved to tease my senses, damn man. Why does he have to affect me. He lay me down to my furs with specific orders.

When he left, I could hear him chuckling outside my wagon... Now just what was he finding amusing.

And I had a feeling I wasn't going to be finding out any time soon.

And my night, it was going to be a long one. One thing about burns, sooner or later the nerves come back to life after the initial trauma..

And mine were creating their own melody. . .

Where there is smoke. . . .

When I fell into an exhausted sleep it was only for a few ahns, but it was that deep sleep that came from being so tired that you had no choice but to sleep, I awoke with a start my body drenched in sweat and my breath came in ragged soul drenching gasps. Whatever it was that woke me hovered at the fringes of my vision, there but out of clear focus. Just out of my reach, but how it made me feel filled me with a sense of dread and sorrow.

I got up and made sure I had plenty of water as well as Cana, I had sat with takara for a short while by the main fires,it is interesting the things she had shared with me and I explained to her how things that were done in the cities is not done here nor would anyone know what they meant. She offered to be a vessel to vent my frustrations on if I wanted to as she had seen my annoyance with her Master. This took me aback a bit, I did not take out my anger or frustrations out on another person slave or free, that just is not me. Her offer I knew was genuine but it was not one I would take. I knew that I would not hold my upset long, it just didn't feel right to do so, it did not mean I understood but when time permitted I would ask and seek understanding as I rose to go check on the elders, I cautioned her to not venture to far from the wagons today and that I had extra salves, including some trevarian salve that I wanted her to take to her masters wagon, lily would take some to Silks as well and she would make sure the healers had water as well. I spent the rest of the day going thru the one wagon I had that held an array of supplies, moving them into my own personal wagon and also taking them to some of the elders, Ayguili and others so that we would have them. I would spend ahns working on this as did others of the clan, it was not something we could define but it was more of a feeling to be doing various things.

Eventually I made my way to the fires and lowered to sit once more, I was joined by Silk who shared with me that she felt she was with child,I congratulated her and there was the part of me that pricked my conscious with a bit of envy. But I was truly happy for her, we spoke of various things and somehow came to the topic of women that unmanned men, strange as it was we have seen it here on the plains, it was about that time Ash joined us, now all women know how to unman a man and it is not in the literal physical sense, though some of us choose to build the men we care for up, support then and protect that masculinity. Ash rubs me the wrong way most times, he likes to try and think he has some command over me, I hate to tell him he does not and he likes to think that he knows so much about me by things I present, again another mistake. He does not know me any better than he does a stranger, and his assumptions get on my last nerve and today I severed it. He crossed a line with me, and I will not forget it, he will get the polite respect due a warrior of the tribe nothing more. And never try to force me to give you answers that you clearly know. I do not placate people or play that mind game. He is not my father, he is not my brother, he is not my mate nor is he a warrior that would be seeking to have me as a mate. So therefore, he has no say, and he would be wise to stop. I had to leave before Silk got more upset than she was and before I forgot myself and simply decked him and sent him into the next hand. Though I did tell Silk to stay close to Ash, he might be an ass in my opinion but he was still her mate and she was happy with him, that is his saving grace.

I finished up with a few tasks that required my attention and then went to see where everyone was, in the course of my day I realized I had not seen anyone today. Ash and Silk were where I left them along with the healer, I still felt some frustration with him as I joined them. Ongel spoke to me and his question illicited one of those yes I am still annoyed with you responses, to which he said that he felt a cold wind, and my mouth sometimes gets the better of me as I offered that he might enjoy it. Now his answer gave me pause, and it made me wonder if he preferred my silence to my talking to him, or was it he enjoyed the distance, or did he mean it in a non literal sense of the cool winds would be welcome from the heat. Once more he has me somewhat off balance and unsure, damn him, I hate that, not really knowing but having to think.
And my mood was one in which I really was to tired to figure it out, that did not mean I did not want to, it was just I was not sure what to do, so I became quiet and simply said "I see." His response clearly indicated that no I didn't, and before I could ask anything more. I watched as Silk suddenly dashed to empty the contents of her stomach, there is that little side effect there to ruin a perfectly joyous moment. And you never know when it will rear its ugly head, I walked towards her and wet a cloth and placed it along her head and gently touched her arm so she knew I was there. The heat was not good for her and I was worried. I usually don't have to worry of Silk and pregnancies but this heat was taking its toll. I spoke gently to her as I helped her up. Her and I have been thru a lot together and our friendship has often been tested by others seeking destruction, but we somehow still have that bond, a bit tattered but not broken.

I felt very uneasy, something was not right, I felt the air seem to grow warmer and it seemed to howl and crackle with a breath of heat that could melt your very flesh from your bones. It was in the moment the strong pungent aroma of smoke filled the air, the kind that spoke of a fire. A fire. It was too dry and hot for that. This would not be good. I told the others I had to go Mezoo and some of the elders of the clan and a few children were going out riding, the elders were giving some of their lessons that were both to enjoy a day out and to learn. I heard Ongel tell me to ensure I had outriders with me and to not be stubborn.

I went quickly to the pens to find Eclipse and was pleased to see Ulric already there with men and he had him ready for me I put a saddle on him which he did not like as it was not my usual to use one, but I needed a few things with me. Now I am far from foolish, yes, stubborn to a fault I will admit it but never foolish, I would heed Ongels words to have others with me, I had no desire to endanger myself or others,nor did I have any desire to distract him with concern over what I would do, instead of focusing on what he needed to do for it was going to be a night full of chaos and carnage and he would need his attention on those would need his healing abilities.

We rode fast and hard and the air was quickly heavy with smoke that burned the lungs and the eyes, this was not a good sign, the air echoed with cries of panic and chaos, the sounds felt as if someone thru a million shards of broken glass into me. This could not be happening. The emotions rose as high as the walls of fire that were beginning to crescendo.

We found Mezoo, and the others, one of the elders was badly hurt and I did not think he would make it as one of the men took him and gathered up the children, the smoke was heavy and I felt my lungs burn, fire is my strongest element, but even for me this was beyond what I could control and each of us knew that we could not touch this one or interfere the signs have been revealing all along the sky was going to do something and not even a spex interfered with what the sky sought to do.

No one is an exception to this...

However, as youth often does, they think they can save the world so to speak, and while the intention is from the heart and for the better of people and themselves. They to like some us of older ones.. have to learn the hard way.

And a lesson was quickly coming. . .

A sleepless night..brings questions

Sleep would elude me for a very long time, and my upset with Ongel was only a small part in a bigger puzzle that I stood in the middle of, there were other things that would contribute to this as well, dreams and visions have been invading my sleep and I am not sure I want to feel and hear the things that have been in them, some are good, but leave me skeptical, and maybe a little bit hopeful and there are things that are bad, the scream and cries of horrific terror that would cut thru me. I really don't think I was up to trying to decipher what it meant, the pain and grief was to real. What it was that was the cause I do not yet know, I only knew we had to be ready, not even a Haruspex is allowed to see or know everything, we are given images, thoughts, feelings and glimpses of things in a way that we can not explain, sometimes it is clear and detailed and sometimes it is shadowed and hazy. And we never see things of ourselves, I think sometimes that sky protects us that way for if we saw what awaited us in life we might try to change it or rush it and then we would lose out on everything that molds us and teaches us, we would miss some of the more beautiful moments in life.

Sometimes I can taste and feel things in a very literal sense, and sometimes it can and does effect me momentarily on a physical level. This is not always good, but there are certain times when this can be an absolutely profound experience and not just for myself. I am empathic and I often have to be careful to guard myself against the influx of emotion from others, and once in a while I can find myself in places in their lives that is as if I am there. The shadow walk can be very rewarding and traumatic. And every now and then if I allow myself I can feel the pain of another and pull it from them, I can feel and embrace their emotions, it is not reading the mind that is something none of us can do for it is not something allowed, but we can feel it. I have a few ways that are not known to many and for many reasons, they are revealed in times of need, Which is how it should be.

This is what weighs heavy on me but I do not speak of it to anyone for they would just think me nuts and how would I explain it, besides who would want to listen to something that is like a puzzle. I had that once in my life and I can hope that it would happen again in my life, but who really knows. For myself I rarely hold hope of finding my path shared with another, I would enjoy it yes, but I give that hope to others and guide them to find that happiness that everyone seeks to attain and when they do and I see that joy it is the most beautiful gift that they can give me.

I think these thoughts are the ones that come from me embracing what I the woman feels, instead of hiding her and burying her. I am not sure how I feel of things I feel, I do not like these unknown waters that I find myself in I am not sure how to navigate them I have never had to before and I feel as if I am slipping and drowning, but yet I still reach out and stand true to who I am. I want to run and hide and yet I want to explore more so I keep taking steps towards something, but what I am not sure. There are many contradictions and confusion that I find myself in..

This is definitely not something I am familiar with. And it has me off balanced. But I do not think in a bad way.

So it was as I often do, I took solace in my work, it is the one thing I know and I am comfortable with.


I have found that I am double damned in a way, if I reveal what I think and feel it means nothing and if I don't then I am shallow, aloof and cold. So how does one find balance. What makes me different? Do I bleed less, do I feel less pain or sorrow, or is it simply that many think still think I have ice for blood and that I never crack and break? There are times I want to place the bricks back one by one to rebuild that wall and make it solid and impenetrate. I do not like feeling so much, I do not like being in touch with thoughts and emotions, I want the walls back. They are safe, I understand them and I can function with them in place. There is peace not chaos, there is tranquility and quiet not a world full of questions.

And yet, there is that part of me that sits back and wags that finger as if to say, no, no you can't go back. Once you poke a hole in the wall and weaken it, you cannot go back. There is plenty for me to do, and I could easily disappear among the wagons for days and not been seen, that thought has occurred to me. But then I would be a coward if I did that and I have never been such.

As I work it comes to my mind that for so long I have held much of myself within myself, my thoughts and ideas and secrets of things I have done.. I ask myself why? Does it change who I am as a person or a tuchuk if someone learns my secrets ? Are not the things I have done and gone thru learning experiences designed to give me character, strength,understanding, passion, compassion, knowledge, skill and even color. Though some things would be rather checkered if they were put into any shade of color.

It shouldn't but I have the fear of judgement of others. I have the fear of my vulnerability being seen.

It is interesting that I have come to a conclusion that these things are what make me uniquely me. They are what separates me from being a cookie cutter free woman. These things are the things that paint color upon my tapestry of life, that weaves a strong thread of knowledge and confidence and compassion that forms a foundation for myself and others to stand upon. Fear is something we all use to stop ourselves from doing something, being something and taking chances.

The time for hiding has passed.