I sit by the clan fires, it has been a while since I have ventured within the sacredness of them. I have a reason for it and I came to this spot because I know that no one will venture within this space that should not be here. Those not of the clan cannot just intrude,nor can they know of things that occur here.
It is here that I sit in the quiet of the morning, letting the light dusting of the mists kiss my skin in a luminescent damp touch. I breathe in slowly the aroma of the herbs that I have been burning, as I reground myself in the moment of silence. It has been some time since I have allowed myself to let go of all thought and emotion. To let go of all energy and control to delve in to the space of nothing. Today I have brought myself back to that, to just let myself be enfolded and embraced by it. It is within the silence that we hear what we need to, to know what we need to know and to obtain the guidance of where we need to be.
"Remember what we have shown you over the past few hands." I could hear whispered about me and within me. I knew what they spoke of, the various visions over the past moons have had much in them, I have intentionally not sought out the meaning or discussed them. The reminder of them was like a burr under a saddle, it was irritating. But I continued onward not losing my focus of what I was doing.
"It is time, " was also spoken, now that could mean anything. There were numerous thoughts on that, which one they spoke of was only a small piece of a bigger puzzle.
Eventually I returned to a state of awareness of the things around me, the way the ground felt beneath me as I sat, supportive and stable. The grass whispering about me bringing forth a hint of its fragrance and of its strength to give us life, the faint ripple of the stream as the water wove about its path, revealing the emotions that often flowed thru us and of the life force that fluctuated within each of us, the hissing of the fire as it danced before my eyes, revealing the force of the will to choose what it is in life we wish to manifest.
I lifted the small box that sat beside me within it, held small sentimental things that I had over the envars put away from those that been a part of my heart. I lifted from it the necklace made of larl's teeth and claws within the center was a large translucent stone that seemed to reflect not only the shimmering strands of the moonlight but the fire as well. I had forgotten of this but I was not sure why it was in the box, it was not something I would have placed here, though Lochley did gift it to me on his death. I recall with vivid clarity his last moments,for they are etched forever in my mind. It had a purpose one I never really fully explored, was it a reminder of a few things I am to be doing but I am not , the reasons clear and yet unclear. So I sat it beside me, and lifted from with in it the remnants of a blood stained ribbon. Taking a deep breath I lifted it over the fire and let it fall, as the flames greedily consumed it, I felt it ignite within my heart with a searing painful intensity that brought forth a low cry of pain. Fire is a part of me and I knew as it consumed the ribbon so would it consume me, already the burn was slow and searing robbing me of my breath.
When it passed I lifted a braided piece of hair, its color still dark and beautiful much like the man himself had been that had touched my heart deeply. I can still see his smile and the feel of his hands, the gentle strength and wisdom that I don't think many knew was within him, Tanner had taught me much and guided me thru some difficult times, he captured my heart in ways I do not even think he knew. Slowly I let it fall into the flames and as it burst into flames I felt within the center of my mind and heart the flame combust and expand outward, I could feel the fine sheen of sweat cover my body as it grew in strength, the pain the first time was nothing compared to what this brought forth, and I almost doubled over from the force of it, my breath felt heavy and slow as if I were breathing in the heat from the fire itself.
Eventually it would pass, but not as quickly as the first time. Finally, trembling fingers lifted the herlit feather with the larl's tooth attached to it, I felt the tears flow down my cheeks as I held it close to my heart, I was not sure I could let go, it had only been just over an envar since Garyx died. But I knew it was time, long past time. Reluctantly and with a great exertion of energy and force of thought was I able to draw my hand from my heart and hover it over the fire, slowly the fingers would uncurl, yet I could not just let go of it, two fingers held it tightly as if it were a life line, I almost snatched it back from its path of destruction and release.
Then suddenly those intricately marked fingers would open and release the feather into the flames, it took a few moments, but then suddenly it felt as if my heart and entire being were suddenly encapsulated in fire, the pain of it searing and burning away layer upon layer of tissue and emotions was as if my very soul had been stripped bare and left raw and bleeding as the flames danced gleefully over it The deep mournful cry was drawn from deep within me, the primal pain and emotion attached to it was lifted upward and outward, by now the rivulets of sweat would glide along my skin enough to dampen my hair and clothing, as it felt as if the flames would burst from beneath the skin and maybe it did, by that point I did not open my eyes to look as I felt the pain and sorrow grip me with a strength of a predator that did not wish to let go of its prey. Would I sink into the abyss once more and never climb out from its tenacious grasp.
Eventually the pain would subside as if water had been poured over the inferno leaving only smoldering ash, as I watched the fire I glimpsed the faces of Lochley and Garyx within the flames. I knew by their expressions they were now free, I knew that they would always be with me. Tanner was not within them for he had not died, life had a different path for him. As I slowly sat upward I watched them disappear, there have been others I have loved, Brutus and Gaspar and they had taught me much, they had meant much to me but the negative they bestowed upon me outweighed the positive, but I loved them each in different ways. It was these three that had touched me and loved me the deepest. They were the ones that had brought me not only the greatest joys and the deepest of pain and sorrow. It is a double edged sword loving that deep and that completely,to give of yourself everything, anything without expectations or conditions and for them to do the same. It is a powerful force that can not even be put into words. The loss of it is crippling in ways none know if they have not been given the chance to experience it.
But, that is how I am.That is how love, as much as I wish I could change it I cannot. But I know it is time to let go of that which weighs me down. The other things that have been shown over the past few hands I am not sure I can delve that deep and reach in and return what has been lost. I am not sure I want to. Nor do I know how.
I watch the fire burn everything I gave it and then I placed the small box within it. It was an odd empty sensation within me. It is also at the same time an interesting odd sensation that seems to be taking root. I do not yet have the words to describe it. I lifted the necklace not yet sure what power it held or what was to be done with it. I would slowly rise from the clan fires and return to my circle of wagons, it would take me a while before I could do any work or form coherent thought.
And yet as I sit it for a few , I have to wonder what do the visions of the one killing me have to do with anything?
The answer is there waiting, I know this.
The start of something has begun, the question is what?
It is here that I sit in the quiet of the morning, letting the light dusting of the mists kiss my skin in a luminescent damp touch. I breathe in slowly the aroma of the herbs that I have been burning, as I reground myself in the moment of silence. It has been some time since I have allowed myself to let go of all thought and emotion. To let go of all energy and control to delve in to the space of nothing. Today I have brought myself back to that, to just let myself be enfolded and embraced by it. It is within the silence that we hear what we need to, to know what we need to know and to obtain the guidance of where we need to be.
"Remember what we have shown you over the past few hands." I could hear whispered about me and within me. I knew what they spoke of, the various visions over the past moons have had much in them, I have intentionally not sought out the meaning or discussed them. The reminder of them was like a burr under a saddle, it was irritating. But I continued onward not losing my focus of what I was doing.
"It is time, " was also spoken, now that could mean anything. There were numerous thoughts on that, which one they spoke of was only a small piece of a bigger puzzle.
Eventually I returned to a state of awareness of the things around me, the way the ground felt beneath me as I sat, supportive and stable. The grass whispering about me bringing forth a hint of its fragrance and of its strength to give us life, the faint ripple of the stream as the water wove about its path, revealing the emotions that often flowed thru us and of the life force that fluctuated within each of us, the hissing of the fire as it danced before my eyes, revealing the force of the will to choose what it is in life we wish to manifest.
I lifted the small box that sat beside me within it, held small sentimental things that I had over the envars put away from those that been a part of my heart. I lifted from it the necklace made of larl's teeth and claws within the center was a large translucent stone that seemed to reflect not only the shimmering strands of the moonlight but the fire as well. I had forgotten of this but I was not sure why it was in the box, it was not something I would have placed here, though Lochley did gift it to me on his death. I recall with vivid clarity his last moments,for they are etched forever in my mind. It had a purpose one I never really fully explored, was it a reminder of a few things I am to be doing but I am not , the reasons clear and yet unclear. So I sat it beside me, and lifted from with in it the remnants of a blood stained ribbon. Taking a deep breath I lifted it over the fire and let it fall, as the flames greedily consumed it, I felt it ignite within my heart with a searing painful intensity that brought forth a low cry of pain. Fire is a part of me and I knew as it consumed the ribbon so would it consume me, already the burn was slow and searing robbing me of my breath.
When it passed I lifted a braided piece of hair, its color still dark and beautiful much like the man himself had been that had touched my heart deeply. I can still see his smile and the feel of his hands, the gentle strength and wisdom that I don't think many knew was within him, Tanner had taught me much and guided me thru some difficult times, he captured my heart in ways I do not even think he knew. Slowly I let it fall into the flames and as it burst into flames I felt within the center of my mind and heart the flame combust and expand outward, I could feel the fine sheen of sweat cover my body as it grew in strength, the pain the first time was nothing compared to what this brought forth, and I almost doubled over from the force of it, my breath felt heavy and slow as if I were breathing in the heat from the fire itself.
Eventually it would pass, but not as quickly as the first time. Finally, trembling fingers lifted the herlit feather with the larl's tooth attached to it, I felt the tears flow down my cheeks as I held it close to my heart, I was not sure I could let go, it had only been just over an envar since Garyx died. But I knew it was time, long past time. Reluctantly and with a great exertion of energy and force of thought was I able to draw my hand from my heart and hover it over the fire, slowly the fingers would uncurl, yet I could not just let go of it, two fingers held it tightly as if it were a life line, I almost snatched it back from its path of destruction and release.
Then suddenly those intricately marked fingers would open and release the feather into the flames, it took a few moments, but then suddenly it felt as if my heart and entire being were suddenly encapsulated in fire, the pain of it searing and burning away layer upon layer of tissue and emotions was as if my very soul had been stripped bare and left raw and bleeding as the flames danced gleefully over it The deep mournful cry was drawn from deep within me, the primal pain and emotion attached to it was lifted upward and outward, by now the rivulets of sweat would glide along my skin enough to dampen my hair and clothing, as it felt as if the flames would burst from beneath the skin and maybe it did, by that point I did not open my eyes to look as I felt the pain and sorrow grip me with a strength of a predator that did not wish to let go of its prey. Would I sink into the abyss once more and never climb out from its tenacious grasp.
Eventually the pain would subside as if water had been poured over the inferno leaving only smoldering ash, as I watched the fire I glimpsed the faces of Lochley and Garyx within the flames. I knew by their expressions they were now free, I knew that they would always be with me. Tanner was not within them for he had not died, life had a different path for him. As I slowly sat upward I watched them disappear, there have been others I have loved, Brutus and Gaspar and they had taught me much, they had meant much to me but the negative they bestowed upon me outweighed the positive, but I loved them each in different ways. It was these three that had touched me and loved me the deepest. They were the ones that had brought me not only the greatest joys and the deepest of pain and sorrow. It is a double edged sword loving that deep and that completely,to give of yourself everything, anything without expectations or conditions and for them to do the same. It is a powerful force that can not even be put into words. The loss of it is crippling in ways none know if they have not been given the chance to experience it.
But, that is how I am.That is how love, as much as I wish I could change it I cannot. But I know it is time to let go of that which weighs me down. The other things that have been shown over the past few hands I am not sure I can delve that deep and reach in and return what has been lost. I am not sure I want to. Nor do I know how.
I watch the fire burn everything I gave it and then I placed the small box within it. It was an odd empty sensation within me. It is also at the same time an interesting odd sensation that seems to be taking root. I do not yet have the words to describe it. I lifted the necklace not yet sure what power it held or what was to be done with it. I would slowly rise from the clan fires and return to my circle of wagons, it would take me a while before I could do any work or form coherent thought.
And yet as I sit it for a few , I have to wonder what do the visions of the one killing me have to do with anything?
The answer is there waiting, I know this.
The start of something has begun, the question is what?
