Finally, we made it home, and once more everything was settled into place, it takes me a while to get my wagons just exactly how I want them, but I worked on getting everything where I wanted it and eventually made my way towards the main fires, once there I would sit and relax for a short while with others. I have once more managed to not keep up with writing things, I sometimes wonder if it is because I have warped a few brain cells and they just no longer connect, or if it is just simple old age beginning to creep up on me, neither of course is true, it is just a simple case of being busy and getting side tracked. I have enjoyed some interesting discussions with people and eventually I might get them written down if not I will treasure the time I have spent with them. What is ultimately important is the time spent with them and all that has been shared, these things are priceless to me.
I have not seen my children lately which is not unusual they are at the age that they are often into something or doing something and given I have not heard anyone screaming in terror I can safely assume that Hallie and Arkus have not been pulling any pranks on each other, nor have they done anything to anyone of the tribe. Which is nice while it lasts. Though there are times they exasperate me to no end, little do they know the amusement that I often feel as I watch them, but I am not letting them know that, those two they have thought of things that even Dina, Lukus and myself have never ,ever thought of, no wonder my father finds much amusement in it, you know parents curses do come true, when they say I hope you have kids just like you, it happens to each of us that we have at least one that is, or in my case a few.
The youngest son has an unusual curiosity of various events of my life, the questions he has been asking me lately leave me somewhat curious, I am not sure why, maybe he has heard some of the rumors that are sometimes whispered. That is the funny thing of rumors, usually they are pretty much either an exaggeration of the truth or not based in truth at all.
I have to chuckle about such things now, there was a time when such would have upset me, but I now find it rather amusing. Actually, I find much amusement in people. I have hidden so much of my life for so many turnings, that even those that have known me for many turnings do not know half of it, not even my father knows of some things. So I understand my son's curiosity, I will not lie to him I will tell him the truth of things he wishes to know, just as I would with almost every one else. I still play much close to the vest,mostly because if I speak of things then some think that I speak as if I know everything which I don't. or they think I am better which I have never thought nor presented myself as such, and yet at the same time if I say nothing then I am being cold and aloof, so where is the happy medium?
Hallie had come to me with a question, seems she is infatuated yet again with another warrior, I found myself almost cringing, thinking to myself here we go again. I think she just likes to look and flirt, which is normal for a young one to do, to explore and see what a certain look will do or a thought what it will bring. I believe I may end up either bald or entirely grey before she becomes an adult. Skies help the one that she eventually will truly wish to spend her life with, I do not guide her to much on this on purpose for I have taught her various things so I do not need to hover over her and suffocate her, I let her find her way. I know she will not do anything that will end her up in a collar or get her in trouble, for I have taught her the differences between how a free woman behaves and how a slave does. I think her sister taught her to flirt because that, she did not learn from me, as that is one talent I never learned to cultivate, though there are times during my life I wish I had as I watched how it served others, especially my sister, I do not know how she did it but she could just look at a man and I swear they melted, they were like mush in her hands. How do some women do that? How do they just reach in and seem to know exactly what to do. I still do not know this trick. But anyway, that is something of the past, not something I care to have linger in my head for it will only bring things to surface I have been pushing deep down inside me. I think at times I am on the path once more to return to what I was after my first mating, now is that not ironic, the worst and the best bring me to the same place.
Hallie is learning about life and getting her feet wet, I know that she will have to stumble and fall in order to learn. But I am always there to lend a hand to help her up and shoulder when she needs one to lean on and I know that she knows this . That is not to say I do not want to rush in and protect her and cocoon her from all the hurts and pains and disappointments life will toss her way. I often want to do that with all my children, and there are a few that are not my children that I care about that I still want to do that with and for, the difference is I do not act on it, I have had 13 children and 9 of them had grown up into adults that a mother could be proud of. And yet another grew up into a young man that had once brought me pride until a woman changed him and ruined him. But each must make choices, so even in spite of that I must have done something right . Hallie, is my youngest daughter, the last of my daughters to begin to step into the world of adulthood.
She was a bit upset the other day because someone told her that her sister Falon was a half breed, it is not the first I have heard this term. I explained to Hallie , that it simply means her sister has more than one blood flowing thru her, nothing more and nothing less, it is not always meant in a negative way. There have always been a few that seem to think that if you are not a full tuchuk you are not a tuchuk, and they use this term in a derogatory sense, this is not true, it has never been our way. Now, I do know the thoughts of one and the reasons, and it is for those reasons that I do not take offense or take it personal. Sometimes you have to take in the bigger picture and offer the trust and confidence of another, such was offered and given, it is also valued. For the most part if you have tuchuk blood in you then you are tuchuk, it is only the ones that have grown up in cities or choose city ways that we have treated like strangers. For how can they claim to be tuchuk when they do not know our ways or traditions. Those that have lived and grown up on the plains regardless if they are half this or half that, they have tuchuk blood and know our ways, in the end is that not all that matters. Lochlan, Tanzia and Falons father was not tuchuk,but he would have made a good one, for he did have honor and courage, he took care of his people and his family.
Lochley was an uncivilized mamba warrior, it was during one of my treks of trying to get back to the plains that I found my sister Dina, we had during our lives lost touch with each other several times, well more than lost touch our bond had been tested and nearly broken a couple of times,this time when I found her she was mated to a man named Brutus and they lived in the schendi jungles. I was only going to visit her for a short while for this happened during a time where I had been simply traveling Gor as I made my way back to the plains, in search of my father. I had closed myself off to people and to life, there was a wall of ice around my heart so high and so thick that no one had been able to get thru it in over thirty turnings, I shut myself down on all levels. This is not something I would recommend or even counsel anyone to do , and it is difficult to do it, but when you are traumatized enough and hurt deep enough that you are broken, bleeding and shattered beyond the point of no return you can do it. And I did just that after I left Treve, it had been many turnings since my first mating, and I had no intention of ever doing it again, how Terran treated me and the things he did to me,soured me on trusting men or the concept of love. Men were not to be trusted, they would betray you and lie to you, they would break you and destroy you. Terran was the embodiment of evil in my mind, the classical example of what all women should avoid if they wish to remain alive, and there are many ways to be dead.
The effects of things he did still linger to this day,I admit it, to say other wise would be a lie. It was here I met Lochley ,he was Brutus's brother,different mothers. Brutus was what is considered a half breed, and by mamba standards they thought him rather ugly, and he did not know anything of the tuchuk blood that ran in his veins, this I knew within moments of meeting him. Lochley he was a full blooded mamba, and he definitely followed the ways of his people, I lost count of how many times he had decided to venture into one the cities nearby because he wanted to have some one for lunch. Letting him loose in a city was like letting a bosk run wild thru one of these precious china shops that the dwellers like to sell things in.
Over time he managed to touch my heart, he was the first to teach me that you could trust a man and he was the first to teach me about love. He never forced it, he took his time and patiently showed me what it meant when a man loved a woman,and it was not about the obvious things. It was the small things he would say or do. He had a very simplistic way of seeing life and living life. He was not one that was hung up on material things, for they had no meaning to him. Life was not perfect, we had arguments and disagreements but that is normal in a relationship no matter what the relationship is. He taught me that I could trust a man and people, there was much I learned among the mamba, in fact it was within the village that I learned how to harness some of the various aspects of my spex ways that I never would have imagined, they also taught me their ways of the umthakathi that is similar to a spex but without certain talents, it is a more deeper primal way.
And his idea of gifts was different than what others would do. One day when he was off on one of his extended hunting trips, he sent a slave back carrying a large platter on it was a human heart with a bow wrapped about it. The girl herself she was so pale and sickly looking I had to wonder how she made it back to deliver it, he had a message with it, the girl would deliver it, he had sent it because it was around the date that we had first fallen in love, and he wanted me to know that I had his heart and he was thinking of me. I do not think anyone else would have appreciated the gesture, but I understood it and what it meant, I would expect no less from a man that was very much a cannibal.
But for a wild uncivilized man, he knew how to treat a woman and he knew how to love one. And it is not in the ways that many think it should be, because love is not something that is easy, relationships that have a deep bond and love often require work, and they are far from perfect. And I would not want perfect. But I would like to one day feel such emotions again. But , somehow for me I do not think I will be given that gift again. I was fortunate to have found it twice, and almost a third time. I have to come to terms with being alone once more and with loneliness, but I am not doing well with it. But it is my burden to bear, and I will do so in silence. A smile can obscure much and the quiet gives comfort to others that all is well.
These things I explained to Hallena, and I suggested that she not listen so much to what others say for they often speak without understanding,of with only half true information, they only need to observe to know that any of my children that were not full bloods were very much tuchuk for that is how they were raised,they know nothing else, fortunately they do not even know the ways of the dwellers, something I intentionally did, they know of their father and his people but they do not know their ways, I taught them the ways of the plains. Because it is who I am, it is who they are. I am a full blooded tuchuk, my life just happened to take unexpected twists and turns, I was fortunate I was raised upon the plains for the first 16 turnings of my life,and all those teachings followed me much to the dismay of dwellers.
Two of my sons died for this tribe their blood quenched the thirst of the plains. I think that says it all.
Hallie seemed to understand this. But, this did not stop her questions, not that I thought it would. I was hopeful. . which was essentially hopeless.
"If I asked you to tell me if I should persue a warrior would you tell me how to get him and if he was the one?" I looked at her strangely, an odd question from her of all people. "No,and you know better," I stated simply it was well known I would not tell someone directly to go after someone or not, wether male or female, I would guide them in various directions and give them things of themselves to think upon. She would nod in understanding.
" Could you tell me Mother if I was his type." I watched her thoughtfully, I began to realize that she had a very serious infatuation, someone had caught her attention in a way that I had not seen before. And if she thought I was going to use any of my abilities to help her in this, she would be sadly mistaken.
"Now, Hallie, you know I would never speak for another warrior or even for that matter another person, man or woman unless they told me too, I could no more tell you what any one man wanted in a woman or his type than I could tell Cana, Falon,Mezoo, Asria or Silk and so many others. That would be like me speaking for Fonce, Ayguili, or others by saying they would want this type of woman or that type, or that you should do and act this way or not do or act a certain way."
As she thought to this one of the slaves passed by bringing me a bowl of black wine as we sat by the fires. She then nodded in understanding, "I know but I could hope for couldn't I?" she asked with a wishful look that made me chuckle. "Yes, you can." I would smile and hug her gently. "To do such things is to sit and indulge in idle gossip and speculation which I never do. I will guide and direct a person about themselves, but never will I speak for what another person wants and anyone that knows me knows this is how I am, and that if they hear another saying I said anything they would know to question it and know to ask me of what I really did say , because I won't talk behind anyone's back I will say it up front and in your face. Nor would I speak for or of another's emotions or heart or personal things unless it is that person themselves, Just as I never break confidences or things people seek counsel on. "
Hallie would chuckle softly, "Mother I do not think anyone does not know these things."
She then hugged me and off she went to find Cana to help her with the children and kailla, maybe I should warn Cana, run.. run.. teenager on the loose. Danger.. ahead.. Nah, I think I will allow her to share in this with me.
After all that is what family and friends are for,.. right?
