It is time

I sit by the clan fires, it has been a while since I have ventured within the sacredness of them. I have a reason for it and I came to this spot because I know that no one will venture within this space that should not be here. Those not of the clan cannot just intrude,nor can they know of things that occur here.

It is here that I sit in the quiet of the morning, letting the light dusting of the mists kiss my skin in a luminescent damp touch. I breathe in slowly the aroma of the herbs that I have been burning, as I reground myself in the moment of silence. It has been some time since I have allowed myself to let go of all thought and emotion. To let go of all energy and control to delve in to the space of nothing. Today I have brought myself back to that, to just let myself be enfolded and embraced by it. It is within the silence that we hear what we need to, to know what we need to know and to obtain the guidance of where we need to be.

"Remember what we have shown you over the past few hands." I could hear whispered about me and within me. I knew what they spoke of, the various visions over the past moons have had much in them, I have intentionally not sought out the meaning or discussed them. The reminder of them was like a burr under a saddle, it was irritating. But I continued onward not losing my focus of what I was doing.
"It is time, " was also spoken, now that could mean anything. There were numerous thoughts on that, which one they spoke of was only a small piece of a bigger puzzle.

Eventually I returned to a state of awareness of the things around me, the way the ground felt beneath me as I sat, supportive and stable. The grass whispering about me bringing forth a hint of its fragrance and of its strength to give us life, the faint ripple of the stream as the water wove about its path, revealing the emotions that often flowed thru us and of the life force that fluctuated within each of us, the hissing of the fire as it danced before my eyes, revealing the force of the will to choose what it is in life we wish to manifest.

I lifted the small box that sat beside me within it, held small sentimental things that I had over the envars put away from those that been a part of my heart. I lifted from it the necklace made of larl's teeth and claws within the center was a large translucent stone that seemed to reflect not only the shimmering strands of the moonlight but the fire as well. I had forgotten of this but I was not sure why it was in the box, it was not something I would have placed here, though Lochley did gift it to me on his death. I recall with vivid clarity his last moments,for they are etched forever in my mind. It had a purpose one I never really fully explored, was it a reminder of a few things I am to be doing but I am not , the reasons clear and yet unclear. So I sat it beside me, and lifted from with in it the remnants of a blood stained ribbon. Taking a deep breath I lifted it over the fire and let it fall, as the flames greedily consumed it, I felt it ignite within my heart with a searing painful intensity that brought forth a low cry of pain. Fire is a part of me and I knew as it consumed the ribbon so would it consume me, already the burn was slow and searing robbing me of my breath.

When it passed I lifted a braided piece of hair, its color still dark and beautiful much like the man himself had been that had touched my heart deeply. I can still see his smile and the feel of his hands, the gentle strength and wisdom that I don't think many knew was within him, Tanner had taught me much and guided me thru some difficult times, he captured my heart in ways I do not even think he knew. Slowly I let it fall into the flames and as it burst into flames I felt within the center of my mind and heart the flame combust and expand outward, I could feel the fine sheen of sweat cover my body as it grew in strength, the pain the first time was nothing compared to what this brought forth, and I almost doubled over from the force of it, my breath felt heavy and slow as if I were breathing in the heat from the fire itself.

Eventually it would pass, but not as quickly as the first time. Finally, trembling fingers lifted the herlit feather with the larl's tooth attached to it, I felt the tears flow down my cheeks as I held it close to my heart, I was not sure I could let go, it had only been just over an envar since Garyx died. But I knew it was time, long past time. Reluctantly and with a great exertion of energy and force of thought was I able to draw my hand from my heart and hover it over the fire, slowly the fingers would uncurl, yet I could not just let go of it, two fingers held it tightly as if it were a life line, I almost snatched it back from its path of destruction and release.

Then suddenly those intricately marked fingers would open and release the feather into the flames, it took a few moments, but then suddenly it felt as if my heart and entire being were suddenly encapsulated in fire, the pain of it searing and burning away layer upon layer of tissue and emotions was as if my very soul had been stripped bare and left raw and bleeding as the flames danced gleefully over it The deep mournful cry was drawn from deep within me, the primal pain and emotion attached to it was lifted upward and outward, by now the rivulets of sweat would glide along my skin enough to dampen my hair and clothing, as it felt as if the flames would burst from beneath the skin and maybe it did, by that point I did not open my eyes to look as I felt the pain and sorrow grip me with a strength of a predator that did not wish to let go of its prey. Would I sink into the abyss once more and never climb out from its tenacious grasp.

Eventually the pain would subside as if water had been poured over the inferno leaving only smoldering ash, as I watched the fire I glimpsed the faces of Lochley and Garyx within the flames. I knew by their expressions they were now free, I knew that they would always be with me. Tanner was not within them for he had not died, life had a different path for him. As I slowly sat upward I watched them disappear, there have been others I have loved, Brutus and Gaspar and they had taught me much, they had meant much to me but the negative they bestowed upon me outweighed the positive, but I loved them each in different ways. It was these three that had touched me and loved me the deepest. They were the ones that had brought me not only the greatest joys and the deepest of pain and sorrow. It is a double edged sword loving that deep and that completely,to give of yourself everything, anything without expectations or conditions and for them to do the same. It is a powerful force that can not even be put into words. The loss of it is crippling in ways none know if they have not been given the chance to experience it.

But, that is how I am.That is how love, as much as I wish I could change it I cannot. But I know it is time to let go of that which weighs me down. The other things that have been shown over the past few hands I am not sure I can delve that deep and reach in and return what has been lost. I am not sure I want to. Nor do I know how.

I watch the fire burn everything I gave it and then I placed the small box within it. It was an odd empty sensation within me. It is also at the same time an interesting odd sensation that seems to be taking root. I do not yet have the words to describe it. I lifted the necklace not yet sure what power it held or what was to be done with it. I would slowly rise from the clan fires and return to my circle of wagons, it would take me a while before I could do any work or form coherent thought.

And yet as I sit it for a few , I have to wonder what do the visions of the one killing me have to do with anything?

The answer is there waiting, I know this.

The start of something has begun, the question is what?

The familiar

There is a sense of security of being back among those you know, and doing things that you are familiar with. I think this could be said of most people, but I know for me there is a sense of comfort in these things. I spend a great deal of time within the circle of my wagons, although only a few are in the circle mostly my personal ones and my children's and nestled within them in a specific spot is my private Spex wagon. I have finally organized it and cleaned it out, cleared out all the old stuff that is like dead wood, heavy and useless. I created new shelves and painted them and opened up the locked hidden alcoves within them that held my rare poisons, herbs and other things I have created, including the spider venom I have from one of the oldest of the spider people, Dina gave it to me long ago. Now I have studied this venom for a long time and have yet to figure out a use for it. While it has potential for healing it is rather unstable and dangerous because of what the venom itself does. One day I may find a use for this outside of the obvious use. These things are hidden in places that none could accidentally find,and locked not with a key but with a specific combination of tumblers created for me by a friend, this ensures that it remains locked unless I open it. I do this with purpose, to protect others and myself for I I would not want it on my conscience that something happened to someone or harmed them, even if it was because of their own actions.

I have repainted this wagon, the background is a shade of black velvet, shimmering in the light to capture and reveal the hidden shades of color within it, and at night it holds a mystery that is both intriguing and yet dangerous if ventured to close to. Similar to parts of me, the side to me that no one has really seen, yet glimpsed by one or two. The blackness embraces various designs of color, a variant of colors flow as if alive along its surface, symbols of intricate detail reveal the sky,the grass,the bosk, the water, and the blood of life. There are clan symbols flowing along the wheels and when they move it reveals a story to those of the clan in vivid detail of what is important to the tribe and the clan of how we together create so much and do so much. It is the subtlety of us that gives the most and reveals the most. Which is why those that do some things at the main fires will find that it will come back on them. It always does. To break certain rules by doing such will only bring the loss of what you could have been gifted with or of something you were to have but now you will never know. Sometimes we are aware of this and sometimes we are not, that is the mystery of things not known to us. Even those of us that are older we know if we do it, it will reach up and smack us even harder because we know better. There are no secrets from the clan. And there definitely are none from the sky. I have re-hung many of the wind chimes I have collected over the turnings along various wagons, one would think with all the ones I have they would be annoying but see each one has a specific tone and place and when the wind flows thru them they sing a soothing relaxing melody. Various amulets flutter along the wagon and various vines grow along it with holders hidden that when I am in the mood hold fire to create a living breathing entity around the spex wagon. Ambience is everything in all things we do.

It is as this wagon during the dark of the morning while the moons yet glow but are fading that I create amulets and talismans for at a certain time and during a certain phase the power and energy is at its best for certain spells and purposes of the talisman. Just as at night during a certain time when the moons are at a certain point and phase, other talismans are created and rituals performed for them.For some time I have not ventured far from the wagons, lately I have begun to venture out more than I had been, but the reasons I do not are personal, they have nothing to do with anyone but myself. It is here I can bury myself in work and know that very few would know how hard I push myself.It is here that my day is often interrupted by others seeking a reading, or a specific type of healing or counseling. And while I suspect that Oreah and Chulun have been sending a few young ones to my wagon with certain questions, I think it is they wish for me to teach certain things but they know I have been staying away from the clan, the reasons they know also. And for now I know they are silent but I doubt it will last long.

When I do venture from the circle towards the main fires, sometimes I do not linger long and sometimes I linger longer than I anticipate. I have had time to sit with Cana and speak with her,her words turn about within my head and I am glad to hear that Fonce is helping her, this is something that I think he is better at. Each know I am here if they need me, there are a few things I will do for her to help in other ways, but in ways that do not interfere with what he is doing. There were a few things she mentioned that gave me some pause and concern, I have been meaning to talk with him about it, but it seems our paths have not crossed long enough to sit and talk of this or some of the clan things I wanted to speak to him of. All happens in the time that it is meant to. Cana is like a daughter to me, I will always be there for her, and I think she knows this, I shared my thoughts with came from my heart. We spoke of various things,people and situations,sometimes I am surprised at how much we think alike on some things and yet on others we are different, but that is what I find interesting and fascinating, what she thinks of things and why. I think she knows I will still worry about her, and she knows I will definitely share with my father that his little tabuk may need a shoulder.

I have also spent a lot of time with Mezoo, I have had some interesting discussions with her also. I enjoy listening and watching, I enjoy the different take on some things she has, sometimes similar to mine and sometimes very different, and I find it interesting. Enough that I want to ask questions and know things. I have come to treasure the time I have spent with her. I look forward to not only sharing things with her as she is allowed to know them, but also to share the time not as a spex but simply as a woman. Just like with Cana there is much I look forward to knowing and sharing. There are a few I have enjoyed sitting and speaking with sharing the time with.

It was during a discussion with two people that I noticed how interpretation and perception can lead to misunderstanding of thoughts.

How easy it is for the assumption of defensiveness to be seen where there is none.. to see that it is not always understood that you speak of growth and strength. Not change. . . But that is another moment in time that I have not yet been able to place down on paper.

Learning.. the value of words

Finally, we made it home, and once more everything was settled into place, it takes me a while to get my wagons just exactly how I want them, but I worked on getting everything where I wanted it and eventually made my way towards the main fires, once there I would sit and relax for a short while with others. I have once more managed to not keep up with writing things, I sometimes wonder if it is because I have warped a few brain cells and they just no longer connect, or if it is just simple old age beginning to creep up on me, neither of course is true, it is just a simple case of being busy and getting side tracked. I have enjoyed some interesting discussions with people and eventually I might get them written down if not I will treasure the time I have spent with them. What is ultimately important is the time spent with them and all that has been shared, these things are priceless to me.

I have not seen my children lately which is not unusual they are at the age that they are often into something or doing something and given I have not heard anyone screaming in terror I can safely assume that Hallie and Arkus have not been pulling any pranks on each other, nor have they done anything to anyone of the tribe. Which is nice while it lasts. Though there are times they exasperate me to no end, little do they know the amusement that I often feel as I watch them, but I am not letting them know that, those two they have thought of things that even Dina, Lukus and myself have never ,ever thought of, no wonder my father finds much amusement in it, you know parents curses do come true, when they say I hope you have kids just like you, it happens to each of us that we have at least one that is, or in my case a few.

The youngest son has an unusual curiosity of various events of my life, the questions he has been asking me lately leave me somewhat curious, I am not sure why, maybe he has heard some of the rumors that are sometimes whispered. That is the funny thing of rumors, usually they are pretty much either an exaggeration of the truth or not based in truth at all.

I have to chuckle about such things now, there was a time when such would have upset me, but I now find it rather amusing. Actually, I find much amusement in people. I have hidden so much of my life for so many turnings, that even those that have known me for many turnings do not know half of it, not even my father knows of some things. So I understand my son's curiosity, I will not lie to him I will tell him the truth of things he wishes to know, just as I would with almost every one else. I still play much close to the vest,mostly because if I speak of things then some think that I speak as if I know everything which I don't. or they think I am better which I have never thought nor presented myself as such, and yet at the same time if I say nothing then I am being cold and aloof, so where is the happy medium?

Hallie had come to me with a question, seems she is infatuated yet again with another warrior, I found myself almost cringing, thinking to myself here we go again. I think she just likes to look and flirt, which is normal for a young one to do, to explore and see what a certain look will do or a thought what it will bring. I believe I may end up either bald or entirely grey before she becomes an adult. Skies help the one that she eventually will truly wish to spend her life with, I do not guide her to much on this on purpose for I have taught her various things so I do not need to hover over her and suffocate her, I let her find her way. I know she will not do anything that will end her up in a collar or get her in trouble, for I have taught her the differences between how a free woman behaves and how a slave does. I think her sister taught her to flirt because that, she did not learn from me, as that is one talent I never learned to cultivate, though there are times during my life I wish I had as I watched how it served others, especially my sister, I do not know how she did it but she could just look at a man and I swear they melted, they were like mush in her hands. How do some women do that? How do they just reach in and seem to know exactly what to do. I still do not know this trick. But anyway, that is something of the past, not something I care to have linger in my head for it will only bring things to surface I have been pushing deep down inside me. I think at times I am on the path once more to return to what I was after my first mating, now is that not ironic, the worst and the best bring me to the same place.

Hallie is learning about life and getting her feet wet, I know that she will have to stumble and fall in order to learn. But I am always there to lend a hand to help her up and shoulder when she needs one to lean on and I know that she knows this . That is not to say I do not want to rush in and protect her and cocoon her from all the hurts and pains and disappointments life will toss her way. I often want to do that with all my children, and there are a few that are not my children that I care about that I still want to do that with and for, the difference is I do not act on it, I have had 13 children and 9 of them had grown up into adults that a mother could be proud of. And yet another grew up into a young man that had once brought me pride until a woman changed him and ruined him. But each must make choices, so even in spite of that I must have done something right . Hallie, is my youngest daughter, the last of my daughters to begin to step into the world of adulthood.

She was a bit upset the other day because someone told her that her sister Falon was a half breed, it is not the first I have heard this term. I explained to Hallie , that it simply means her sister has more than one blood flowing thru her, nothing more and nothing less, it is not always meant in a negative way. There have always been a few that seem to think that if you are not a full tuchuk you are not a tuchuk, and they use this term in a derogatory sense, this is not true, it has never been our way. Now, I do know the thoughts of one and the reasons, and it is for those reasons that I do not take offense or take it personal. Sometimes you have to take in the bigger picture and offer the trust and confidence of another, such was offered and given, it is also valued. For the most part if you have tuchuk blood in you then you are tuchuk, it is only the ones that have grown up in cities or choose city ways that we have treated like strangers. For how can they claim to be tuchuk when they do not know our ways or traditions. Those that have lived and grown up on the plains regardless if they are half this or half that, they have tuchuk blood and know our ways, in the end is that not all that matters. Lochlan, Tanzia and Falons father was not tuchuk,but he would have made a good one, for he did have honor and courage, he took care of his people and his family.

Lochley was an uncivilized mamba warrior, it was during one of my treks of trying to get back to the plains that I found my sister Dina, we had during our lives lost touch with each other several times, well more than lost touch our bond had been tested and nearly broken a couple of times,this time when I found her she was mated to a man named Brutus and they lived in the schendi jungles. I was only going to visit her for a short while for this happened during a time where I had been simply traveling Gor as I made my way back to the plains, in search of my father. I had closed myself off to people and to life, there was a wall of ice around my heart so high and so thick that no one had been able to get thru it in over thirty turnings, I shut myself down on all levels. This is not something I would recommend or even counsel anyone to do , and it is difficult to do it, but when you are traumatized enough and hurt deep enough that you are broken, bleeding and shattered beyond the point of no return you can do it. And I did just that after I left Treve, it had been many turnings since my first mating, and I had no intention of ever doing it again, how Terran treated me and the things he did to me,soured me on trusting men or the concept of love. Men were not to be trusted, they would betray you and lie to you, they would break you and destroy you. Terran was the embodiment of evil in my mind, the classical example of what all women should avoid if they wish to remain alive, and there are many ways to be dead.

The effects of things he did still linger to this day,I admit it, to say other wise would be a lie. It was here I met Lochley ,he was Brutus's brother,different mothers. Brutus was what is considered a half breed, and by mamba standards they thought him rather ugly, and he did not know anything of the tuchuk blood that ran in his veins, this I knew within moments of meeting him. Lochley he was a full blooded mamba, and he definitely followed the ways of his people, I lost count of how many times he had decided to venture into one the cities nearby because he wanted to have some one for lunch. Letting him loose in a city was like letting a bosk run wild thru one of these precious china shops that the dwellers like to sell things in.

Over time he managed to touch my heart, he was the first to teach me that you could trust a man and he was the first to teach me about love. He never forced it, he took his time and patiently showed me what it meant when a man loved a woman,and it was not about the obvious things. It was the small things he would say or do. He had a very simplistic way of seeing life and living life. He was not one that was hung up on material things, for they had no meaning to him. Life was not perfect, we had arguments and disagreements but that is normal in a relationship no matter what the relationship is. He taught me that I could trust a man and people, there was much I learned among the mamba, in fact it was within the village that I learned how to harness some of the various aspects of my spex ways that I never would have imagined, they also taught me their ways of the umthakathi that is similar to a spex but without certain talents, it is a more deeper primal way.

And his idea of gifts was different than what others would do. One day when he was off on one of his extended hunting trips, he sent a slave back carrying a large platter on it was a human heart with a bow wrapped about it. The girl herself she was so pale and sickly looking I had to wonder how she made it back to deliver it, he had a message with it, the girl would deliver it, he had sent it because it was around the date that we had first fallen in love, and he wanted me to know that I had his heart and he was thinking of me. I do not think anyone else would have appreciated the gesture, but I understood it and what it meant, I would expect no less from a man that was very much a cannibal.

But for a wild uncivilized man, he knew how to treat a woman and he knew how to love one. And it is not in the ways that many think it should be, because love is not something that is easy, relationships that have a deep bond and love often require work, and they are far from perfect. And I would not want perfect. But I would like to one day feel such emotions again. But , somehow for me I do not think I will be given that gift again. I was fortunate to have found it twice, and almost a third time. I have to come to terms with being alone once more and with loneliness, but I am not doing well with it. But it is my burden to bear, and I will do so in silence. A smile can obscure much and the quiet gives comfort to others that all is well.

These things I explained to Hallena, and I suggested that she not listen so much to what others say for they often speak without understanding,of with only half true information, they only need to observe to know that any of my children that were not full bloods were very much tuchuk for that is how they were raised,they know nothing else, fortunately they do not even know the ways of the dwellers, something I intentionally did, they know of their father and his people but they do not know their ways, I taught them the ways of the plains. Because it is who I am, it is who they are. I am a full blooded tuchuk, my life just happened to take unexpected twists and turns, I was fortunate I was raised upon the plains for the first 16 turnings of my life,and all those teachings followed me much to the dismay of dwellers.

Two of my sons died for this tribe their blood quenched the thirst of the plains. I think that says it all.

Hallie seemed to understand this. But, this did not stop her questions, not that I thought it would. I was hopeful. . which was essentially hopeless.

"If I asked you to tell me if I should persue a warrior would you tell me how to get him and if he was the one?" I looked at her strangely, an odd question from her of all people. "No,and you know better," I stated simply it was well known I would not tell someone directly to go after someone or not, wether male or female, I would guide them in various directions and give them things of themselves to think upon. She would nod in understanding.

" Could you tell me Mother if I was his type." I watched her thoughtfully, I began to realize that she had a very serious infatuation, someone had caught her attention in a way that I had not seen before. And if she thought I was going to use any of my abilities to help her in this, she would be sadly mistaken.
"Now, Hallie, you know I would never speak for another warrior or even for that matter another person, man or woman unless they told me too, I could no more tell you what any one man wanted in a woman or his type than I could tell Cana, Falon,Mezoo, Asria or Silk and so many others. That would be like me speaking for Fonce, Ayguili, or others by saying they would want this type of woman or that type, or that you should do and act this way or not do or act a certain way."

As she thought to this one of the slaves passed by bringing me a bowl of black wine as we sat by the fires. She then nodded in understanding, "I know but I could hope for couldn't I?" she asked with a wishful look that made me chuckle. "Yes, you can." I would smile and hug her gently. "To do such things is to sit and indulge in idle gossip and speculation which I never do. I will guide and direct a person about themselves, but never will I speak for what another person wants and anyone that knows me knows this is how I am, and that if they hear another saying I said anything they would know to question it and know to ask me of what I really did say , because I won't talk behind anyone's back I will say it up front and in your face. Nor would I speak for or of another's emotions or heart or personal things unless it is that person themselves, Just as I never break confidences or things people seek counsel on. "

Hallie would chuckle softly, "Mother I do not think anyone does not know these things."

She then hugged me and off she went to find Cana to help her with the children and kailla, maybe I should warn Cana, run.. run.. teenager on the loose. Danger.. ahead.. Nah, I think I will allow her to share in this with me.

After all that is what family and friends are for,.. right?

The first taste of heartbreak

Perhaps it is the various discussions lately with other women that give me a moment to think back on things, perhaps it is also just watching my daughters that once in a while push my thoughts back to the past. As it was I found myself thinking back to when I first felt the pangs of infatuation, the longing and what I thought was love. I was all of 15 envars, and well do not all young teenagers think they know everything.

My father had placed my nose ring himself, though I think with great trepidation, it was something my mother should have been doing, but she wasn't, she died giving birth to me, so all the burdens of my care and raising me fell upon him. It was not long after this that I felt I was just all grown up, a woman now. Yea, right, it is about the time we get to arrogant and cocky that we are knocked off that high pedestal right on to our backsides with a very hard thump. I was no exception to this.

Now, my sister Dina and I, we were very good at wagering with the outriders, although Dina she always seemed to win more often than I did she had this uncanny knack for being able to win, however, I was the better rider and I always won the racing wagers, our spars were about half and half though more to Dina's half than mine, she had a coldness to her even then that I never really developed until much later in life, and only because I had to. Only the strong survive. But see, I love my sister Dina more than anything, but even as a child she would always go for blood. Sometimes it bothered me to watch her, she was younger than me but she had this way of turning on and off her emotions and leave nothing but this cold empty space, it could cause a shiver to flow right thru me. I learned this skill eventually, though not by choice, and I never really was as good at it was she was.


It was about this time that one of the warriors fancied himself able to claim me, now that took audacity, this young foolish warrior felt he had what it took to persuade not only me but my father, as if my father was going to be easy to get around, You stand a better chance of surviving a stampeded of bosk than you do getting one over or around my father. The interesting thing is that at this time in my life I was still naive, tender hearted and I didn't have it in me to hurt his feelings as he sought me out and wanted my attention , he even got it in his head to shower me with gifts, this was not anything that really impressed me.

Now you know the elders of the clan,namely Nasatai found humor in this as I tried to figure out how to not hurt his feelings. See I fancied another warrior, there was one that I was just head over heels in love with. He was handsome, brave, honorable, or so I thought, and he had scars. There was just one catch to the whole thing, he did not even seem to know I was alive let alone even like me. The elders knew I had to learn this one on my own so they did not interfere. Unfortunately, although truth be told, would I have listened? more than likely not.

As the hands passed my father watched as I tried to extricate myself from the one, finally I gathered the courage to let him know I did not see him as a romantic interest but only a friend. I was in no hurry to mate, I was only 15 and had to focus on my clan lessons. He did not like this but understood, and he had over the turnings remained one of my best friends until he was killed by another warrior in a raid. Now see this is where fate kicks you in the ass when you are not entirely truthful, for I did want to mate, just not him.

Now, I did try to flirt with the other warrior, you know the one who didn't even know I was a living breathing woman, well, young woman, emphasizes on young. He had spoken to me a few times and you would have thought I had been given the world. Well, unknown to me, while he enjoyed my company to him I was only a child, just stepping onto that path of adulthood. He was already in love with another, and the way he delivered it was harsh and hurtful It was the first time I felt as if someone had reached into me and pulled my heart out and crushed it and stepped all over it. It was a feeling I would feel more than once in my life. But at that moment it was as if the world ended, that life ended. There was nothing more to live for, you have to love the drama of a teenager.

Sadly, my father was not sure how to handle this. I was his daughter, but still a woman with emotions that he was not ready to deal with in his own daughter. He tried as best he could to offer comfort. But, Kamchak was not known for softness. I remember that I cried for days in my wagon then would not come out for a few more. And when I did it was only go to the clan fires and study. I did this routine for a while until my sister Dina kicked my ass in the most literal sense.

She decided to start a fight, and she picked and pushed and prodded until finally I snapped and we got into an explosive fight that held a lot of anger, name calling and punches and scratches. When we wore each other out and were sitting there all bloodied and bruised and dirty. Dina just sat there with her bloody nose and fat lip laughing as if she were some hysterical vulo. At first, I thought her a bit touched in the head until I realized what she did. It took my younger sister to reach thru the emotion and shake me back to life, it was then that I sat there with my black eye and cracked lip started to laugh.

It was this sight that our father came upon. He did not say a word he just shook his head as he walked away. Secretly, he was glad it happened. For it had broken loose those emotions that I was keeping inside. And yet, he was secretly proud that we both could dish it out as well as we could take it. We did after all learn some of those techniques from him.

He just beamed with pride, for in his eyes we would never be weak or broken. In the turnings ahead we would come close to it. But it was this something he taught us that would never allow us to break.

Bend very far, but we would rise upward tall and proud again,swaying with the winds of life, beaten down but never for long for we would pull ourselves up by our boots and trudge thru the bloody pulp of life, ground into ash and dust but we would rise upward from the flames of life to emerge stronger.

As he always told us, we were Tuchuk women.

The yellow pool of Turia... and lost parts

The air was filled with the familiar groaning and creaking of the wagons, I was happy to be back on the trail heading back home, the further we drove from the walls of Turia, the better I felt. Being among so many dwellers drains me to a degree, not to the point that it did when I was younger. But still to a certain extent it did, they have a very chaotic scattered energy. Unlike the people of the plains who have a more steady, calm energy that is for the most part open and a part of their own tribe and of the plains. There are a few exceptions to this. But that is true in any culture or place.

When we settled for the night, my youngest son had come to help me with a few things that I was working on. I am always working on something or doing something, I have come to realize that I have regressed back to some of my old ways, well a few in particular, Tanner and Garyx had managed to pull me from some of those habits, but since both are very definitely gone and each have both definitely cut a slice of my heart literally from me. I find myself often busy long before anyone is awake within the tribe and long into the night when I should rest. Now I wont say I never sleep or don't sleep because that would be rather foolish, my body as any healer knows would force me to sleep after a couple of days,it is something no one can fight. It is the body protecting itself, if you do not listen it will force you to. It would effect your level of function in some very intense and peculiar ways. But, I do not ever sleep well, I have not since Garyx died in my arms. It is interesting how I can sleep better when in the arms of someone that is a part of my life. I have adjusted sort of to being alone. I give the illusion of everything being fine, that I am capable of doing anything I put my mind to which I am to a certain degree, but no one sees the side of me that is hidden at night, the vulnerable side that feels much, sometimes feels much to deeply. I also can still at times see the visions of that battle that took my mates life, I have not shared how I knew where to find him, of what I saw. I sometimes think to go and speak to one of the men about what I saw, how do they handle the trauma of battle. But they would think me nuts, how could a woman know of these things, so I keep it to myself. There are times I can still see everything so clear that I could taste it and smell it. I can say this much, I never want to have to be in battle like that, I am glad I am a woman, what I saw literally took my breath away. I do not envy men, but I also see why they feel as they do about battle, I saw the enemy, the dark one. The one who has been lingering since we made this trail south before. I still have the blue arrow, the one Ayguili removed from my shoulder. One day, I will take care of that one. But not yet, I will know when.

I was lost in these thoughts for a moment when my son asked my if I had ever heard of the yellow pool of Turia. I was surprised by his question, and I would sit with him by the fire. I had heard of it, I have never seen it, but then I have never been inside the walls of Turia. I could see the curiosity in his eyes, I recognized that look it was one I often gave my father when I was young, and also to Chulun and Nasatai, when I was young I had an insatiable curiosity about everything and everyone, I was a sponge soaking up everything I could. So, I knew instinctively he was not going to let me off the hook. So I decided to share what little I did know of it.

"When I was young I had heard other speaking of this yellow pool. From what they told me it is inside one of the buildings in Turia, supposedly a very large chamber that has a domed ceiling that is very high from the ground. The pool is surrounded I think by a marble pathway," at his expression I had to chuckle, "I believe the dwellers have a love of this stone as they use it in a lot of things around their homes." His expression was one of disbelief, I never understood it either. "But anyway, they say the pool is circular in shape more or less. By Turian standards I have heard it is very beautiful and rumor has it that it could have once been one of the chambers in the famous baths of Turia. The room is decorated with exotic flowery designs, mostly in the colors of green and yellow, they say it was to represent the vegetation of a tropical river. They had also growing in the marble walk ways were plants that had large curling leaves, vines, ferns,that had woven within them exotic flowers."

I smiled as he listened intently, "The room is heated to such a point that it has been described as steamy. Around the pool there are eight columns, large in size and painted to resemble tree trunks, each one is placed in the same points as the cardinal directions of a compass. From these columns flowing across the pool are more vines, there are many of them, thick and entangled, some even just about touch the surface of the pool. Now the stories I have heard spoken speak of the pool as if it were alive, that it could sense you there," I saw his smirk and knew it thought it was just foolishness, but was it really, to many have spoken of it and of the same things for it to be a story of fiction. "The pool appears calm, but sometimes for a moment it is as if it moves and lifts itself in a slow ripple of movement. They say the liquid in the pool is yellow and that it sparkles as if filled with gems and if you look close enough you can see wound thru it ribbons of color , dotted with what looks like small sphere of colors, and that steam rises it from it intermittently. Perhaps it is breathing, " I would add and I was rewarded with a laugh from my son.

" I have heard tell that the liquid itself moves, and that it can make you feel both cold and burning sensations, as if eating your flesh. The liquid is thick,rubbery and gelatinous, I have heard that it can consume a man. I have heard tales of men fighting it and not surviving, they say that it lives, that deep within the liquid is an entanglement of life." I would smile to him and he laughed, finding it amusing, " You are joking aren't you mother." I would give him one of those smiles. "Am I?"

"Go ask your grandfather about it, he knows more of it than I do. I only know a few bits and pieces. " That drew his attention and he realized that there was some truth to the words of the Turians that there was such a thing as the yellow pool of Turia. But was it still there or not, no one really knew. At least no one outside of the city itself.

He then went off to play with some of his friends and I knew he would be seeking out his grandfather just to find out more, I then sat down to finish working on some ointments I had been for the last hand in the process of creating. I had bartered for some rare herbs and other things I needed, by doing a few readings, it is amusing to do add a bit of fluff and mystery to entertain the dwellers, ambience is often all they care about, they do not care of the readings themselves. It did not take much effort on my part, just a little play acting. And I could lay it on thick when I choose to, I can be anything I choose to be.

The question is. Who or what is the real me? Sometimes I feel as if there is a part of me fighting to emerge that had been lost all those turnings ago.

But when was I lost ?

Who was lost..?

And what would emerge if I dared to allow myself once more to emerge, to let go of the iron will control that I have had in place for so many envars, not even Garyx knew all of me and he knew far more than anyone, but he knew me better than anyone, including myself, sometimes a few of his words which I often thought odd at the time, made sense now.

I do not think the plains is ready for the real Tarra. For Hallena of the Tuchuks to return.

The tapestry of the Love Wars

In the stillness of the dawn there is only the rustling of the grasses as they sway in the breeze over the plains, bowing in supplication to the skies. It is here that I find peace and tranquility, I do not venture from the protection of our wagons so I am for now within the prison of my circle of wagons. It seems at times that is what they have become. There is an array of color against the background of the night, the dwellers seem fascinated by our wagons and how we live. I think of many different things I have seen and the various people, though we are in a brief time of peace with other tribes and the turians, I am still somewhat uneasy with such a great gathering of people, I am careful for it is like having leeches attach themselves and suck the life out of me, not that this is because they are dwellers but because it is a large gathering, and as I watch these turian women,I think it is clear to most why it is better to be tuchuk. It has been a few days since I have been able to sit and collect my thoughts, once more various things are not put down upon these pages because at this juncture there could be no justice given. And I do not feel the desire to write about every thing in order to catch myself up to the present, those things however, are not lost they are in my mind, tucked away as a memory later to be retrieved, I find there are many events or situations that I do not write about, yet I keep them in my mind to be categorized as distant memories.

I often watch people, I listen and pay attention to the small minute details,I pay attention even when others think I am not, but I watch not only as a person but at times as a spex, but this is nothing new of me I have been this way since I was a child, it is something my father cultivated in me once he realized I did it. There are many things I think about and observe just as I see the many things a few are blind to, or think they are getting away with, in the end it all comes around full circle, I need not give my thoughts.

For a moment my mind drifts to things I have seen while here, such as the fights that took place on the Plains of a Thousand Stakes, thankfully it was some distance away from the gates of Turia. It is interesting to see all the craftsman of Ar within the throng of people that were there to not only judge but to make a profit, as they not only traded but they also won in various games played with Turians and the four tribes of the plains. The colorful banners of the tribes floated in the air, ours of course in my opinion is the best, the four bosk horns carved from wood was on a lance. Not far you could see the standards of the other three tribes as well.

It is an awe inspiring sight to hear drums echo in the air and see the two rows of stakes the glide along the plains, at times behind the Turian side you can hear the music play in the air as well, the stakes are brightly painted which allowed for a brilliant tapestry of color to rise upward from the ground up towards the sky. Each was magnificently different in color and design, some were trimmed and held a delightful array of designs which were ornate and fancy depending on the workman's want. All the colors lifted the ambience into an air of good cheer, gaiety and celebration. A time of peace and a truce between the peoples. The rings that dangled and clinked in the air, sent a shiver thru me, habit that was more habitual than anything when it came to the sound of chains clinking in their cold miserable song. There was in the space between each of the lines of stakes a large circle that had been raked and sanded for the fights.

The turians they arrive with great pomp and circumstance, I have never understood why everything they do is so drawn out and dramatic, even their joining's are long and to me boring. I rather like our way, a warrior simply claims you before a witness and it is done. Afterwards the tribe celebrates. Shi took me once to the joining ceremony of his former mate to another. It was very, very boring, and just as drawn out as this ritual of the turians. Their women still remain cocooned in so many clothes, to me they were suffocating, I never did figure out how to drink thru all those damn veils. The walls of the city were crowded with onlookers and flags fluttered in the winds. It was an interesting sight

I have kept close to the fires of our camp, not venturing out to far, even though there is peace I am no fool, things still can and do happen. Mezoo had joined me on the walk to meet with Symira for trade talks, I had made a list of things Ayguili told me we needed and I took from my own private stash various chests of jewels, coin and other items of trade along with what Ayguili gave me. One of these days I might show him just what we do have put away for times of need, but it never seems to be the right time. Now , Symira has her ways, I had in truth forgotten just how hard she can be in business, so we agreed, business first then pleasure. I told her what we needed and what we had to trade and she did the same. Then we would negotiate on cost, I am a bit rusty I have not traded in the capacity of a merchant since I was about 20 turnings,and then it was different for each city and each merchant has their own way. There are only a few dwellers I actually deal with,one is Symira, the other is Khouri and her because we share a history, one that many would not understand if they did not experience, it formed a bond of trust that no matter where each is, it is honored and sacred and holds deep meaning. The other is Silk, and he because he is the father of my nephew, I raised his son after he and Dina parted ways, he is also the brother of one of my oldest and dearest friends, one whose life I saved by killing another, so with him there are bonds of blood in more than one way. When I think about it the few that have been a part of my life have been made so thru bizarre circumstance.

The trade went well, a few minor upsets that were fixable,Mezoo did well, she had accidentally stepped on Symiras toes, and I explained how the merchant was and she was able to easily navigate thru the slight mishap, she did very well, I was very proud of her, I have been watching her do things to make it as part of the first fires. Of all the prospects, she is the only one I see and feel has earned the right to be part of the first fires, she has proven time and time again, the tribe comes first, she does things with people and for people, yes, Ayguili is interested and she is also, but she is not chasing him and making him her prime focus, she does not utilize the ways of another to capture him as I watch another do, she is true in what she speaks and does, she is among everyone and interacting with everyone, not just when he is there.And she has not changed over night and she has taken her clan studies seriously. So in my mind she has worked hard and earned the right. I cannot say the same of others in fact in a few I am greatly disappointed in and my trust of them is less, because when you cease to make tribe first in my eyes you are not one I would have watching my back, your focus would be to easily diverted leaving people open and vulnerable to things worse than death, I have felt the blade of deceit in my back before. I briefly saw Cana, but did not get to speak with her as my son had a bit of an emergency that needed my attention. I did hear her mention getting some wood, before my attention was distracted, so I knew I could mark that off of things to negotiate for.

We concluded the trade and procured everything we needed including a few things I negotiated privately for gifts for some. Then we headed back to camp, I am glad that soon we will return home. There was much on my mind as we returned to the camp, a few things that irritated me during the trade but nothing I feel is worth speaking of, for it was taken care of.

It also occurred to me, that it was a dweller warrior that spoke of me being beautiful, sort of strange hearing a compliment from a stranger. When I never hear such from those of my own tribe, why is it a stranger can appreciated things I do and how I look, when among my own it is not so. For a few moments in time I felt needed and beautiful.

It was short lived though, once back in my own camp, I was simply another face among many, not really needed other than for some to placate me and speak the words when in truth they hold no value or water, because if you cant follow thru on what you speak then they cease to have meaning. But regardless of my own conflicted feelings, it is good to be back among the wagons, and good to be a Tuchuk.

Soon we will be home.