A restful sleep, finally

I woke up with a start.

I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and my breath coming in a rapid succession. I saw myself on a trail, it was well worn and safe, windy in many directions with many twists and turns, it was intersecting with a less traveled path, its direction unknown and where it lead unknown. Garyx had his arm extended reaching out to me, at first as I recalled it I thought I had lost my hold and he was reaching for me, but as I look at the images in my mind I was standing on solid ground, but a wind was blowing around me, within its invisible layers I could see various people, situations, events and thoughts. They drifted around me all speaking at once, I was trying to decipher them. Thru all of it Garyx stood, tall and proud, confident and patiently, as if he were waiting for me to decide something, He knew, but I did not yet, now how odd was that, the spex not knowing but yet he did? What else would be new, when it came to me, he often knew me better than I did. He knew how to handle me and allow me to see clear.

Lifting a hand to my temple I felt the dampness of my skin, it was an odd dream one I am not sure what it meant but I knew it meant something, maybe I had dreamed Garyx was alive and that was just an image of him leaving me once more. But as I lay there I knew this was not true, because I felt the warmth of his arms around me as he held me close to him, the hard planes of his body molded along the softer ones of mine as my head rested on his chest, I was protected in his embrace and loved, I am not yet sure how much he remembered but he was remembering I do know that.


It occurred to me in spite of the dream, I had for the first time in many turnings, slept a deep peaceful sleep, and I knew why, it was because I was once more with him and he was with me, my protector, my confident, my lover and my mate, so many things could describe our relationship for it was not imprisoned by just one set of rules or conformity, nor did we live and express ourselves as others desire. In private we have no walls, no barriers, what we feel is what we follow.

Although we did not have a chance to talk for exhaustion had taken its toll, the night was emotionally charged even if we both held it in reserve as we felt our way thru unfamilar territory, emotionally the night had taken much out of us and we decided to rest before talking, for that was going to take some time to catch up on everything, and re-connect.

For now I will try to rest some more, as the sky brings about a new beginning.

And I for one am thankful that the sky saw fit to return him home to the plains, and to bring him back to me.
He is the black larl to the white larl, he is the one that is the guardian to the shadow walker. Many things now begin to fall into place.

Some prophecies are meant to happen and will happen regardless of what we think or know.

Seek and ye shall find

Ulric was getting impatient with me, I could tell by his words and actions. I managed to talk him into at least one more day, I could not explain but I knew I could not turn back now I have traveled to far and spent to much time out here to just turn away.

I was compelled to go forward, I could not explain it.

The herlit was relentless lately in his call and presence, he would hover and fly around, I swear it was trying to talk, I was following that damned bird for some reason, perhaps because to me he was a sign. As we traveled a light mist seemed to crawl along the ground it was in my mind that it was obscuring but for a moment of time, then it would reveal something but what. Yes, I know I am really quite insane I have decided.

We traveled some distance when we saw a glow in the shroud of darkness, the way it moved I knew that it was a fire,the herlit was going towards it, really that suncatcher is not to bright. But I followed anyway. The closer I got to the camp the more strange I felt, my heart raced and pounded in my chest, it was as if something were waiting and my senses already were in motion.

Dismounting from Mist Runner I walked towards the fire, I did not see anyone but I felt him, there was a hum in the air and it vibrated around me, only one person could I feel like that, but I knew it could not be he was dead. But yet there was movement in the shadows and when he stepped out I felt such an overpowering surge of emotions that I felt myself sway, I reached out to Ulric to steady myself only because he was behind me. There before me stood Garyx. I have never fainted in my life but in that one moment I thought I would.


He spoke my name, and seemed surprised to know it, but when he said I know you, I knew something had happened, he knew me yet he did not. I could feel the many emotions that warred within him as he struggled to remember how he knew me, I stepped towards him and looked up at him lifting my hand to touch his face, beneath my flesh I could feel the scars, I knew when each one was given to him, so much was between us that bound us together, the connection was once more sparked I could feel it. The part of me that was missing was once more reconnecting to me. I told him that yes he knew me, that he was my warrior a part of me and I a part of him.

There was a moment that he looked a bit perplexed as if trying to take it all in, it was only when he touched the braided lock of hair that held a larls tooth and herlits feather did he say that he gave it to me to remember him, and he did, he made it not long after we were mated, when much strife and dreams were invading my sleep and the tribe was going through so many changes, even we had moments of strain and tests to get thru, part of his helping me was that gift, it was to know he was with me always, and that it was his strength lent to mine. Especially during patrol or on hunts that I could not be with him on.

He looked to me and suddenly pulled me into his arms and held me close to him. No words were needed.
I know that he is feeling so much as a dam has been unblocked and much is rushing thru him, I hold him close to me and it is the feel of him and his scent wrap around me.

For now I could only thank the skies that he was alive, he was flesh and blood I had not imagined everything. He was here in my arms and for the moment that is all I could think of.

Soon there will be time for words, but at the moment they are not going to intrude into this moment.

To look beyond the obvious

The days seemed to be longer and slower with each step I had taken, thru the whisper of the grasses I would listen, within the eye of the sky I would watch, and with each breath I drew my heart beat one with the plains, a soft low chant would drift over the invisible wings of the land. But yet, I did not find anything or anyone.

Really, did I expect to.

Foolishly, yes a part of me did.

As I sit within the circle reciting the names of those we call upon only in times of need and ritual, spoken in an old Tuchuk language that very few even now remember exists, it is done with purpose for some things can not be spoken of lightly. I felt as if every cell within me hummed and vibrated, that an intense fire had been lit and I was caught in the middle and yet at the same time I felt ice cold as if the Thassa itself washed over me, the howling within me felt as if the winds of the plains had gathered and taken root within me. So deep had I gone into the place that we as a spex go on rare occasions, that I had forgotten how much it took and how it felt, those of us that are of all the elements are able to harness them and utilize what is associated with them, but, at a price.

Skies, I was going to regret this in a major painful kind of way.

I kept pushing myself, incorporating an ancient jungle ritual in with the clan one, the results were spectacular as for a moment the brilliance of the energy was almost blinding, I almost lost my focus from my amazement, after all these turnings, this astounded me, and it is not easy to leave me speechless. Thank the skies for all those en'vars of training and discipline for even with that, I found myself almost losing control and losing myself, to do so meant I would be lost in every way, and I did not feel that the sky was calling my name yet.

With that iron will determination or as some would say my stubbornness, I gathered every resource I had and knew and focused. At first I did not want to look, I did not want to go back to that day, even now it is like a knife deep in my heart turning and slashing, ripping me apart and letting me bleed, I could not do this without emotion as is most times needed, this was to personal, to deep and to painful I almost stopped but something would not let me, I watched that day play out, I felt the heat of my tears along my cheek as I watched every detail. Then a few small things caught my attention, never noticed by me or anyone else. This gave me some pause and thought, could it truly be it was not Garyx, but he had an uncanny resemblance, but even so, it is hard to tell given the extent of injuries rendered to him, but there was enough to make me question it.

Without warning the moment was gone, instead once more I was shrouded in darkness, only this time I could hear and feel some one, It was Garyx, but he was in pain, the kind of pain that I have never felt and while I could not see, I felt everything he did, and it was beyond what I could handle, for the first time since I was a young girl, I was overwhelmed and the shock of it sent a jolt thru me that seemed to rob me of my very breath, I did not realize that I had screamed out a few times, although I can handle many things, I am not a man, and what he endured was to much for any man to feel, but for me it was almost crippling I swear I could feel my skin rip and bleed, my bones snap and hiss. From a distance I could hear Ulric, the concern and fear in his voice I heard but I could not respond to him. Before I was allowed to be free of this vision, for a brief ehn, I saw Garyx,he was traveling in various places, he seemed to be searching for something, he did not seem himself, but as he reached the plains, something was changing in him a glimpse of his true self was once more rising upward with in him. Knowledge lost was returning, I could see life returning to his eyes, and in an instant it was as if he saw me, and I saw that brilliant, vibrant intensity reach out to me. I reached out to him and then all went black.

It would be many ahns later before I would open my eyes, Ulric had covered me in furs apparently I was trembling as if very cold, a low fire hissed and crackled near by, mingled with the scent of roasting meat. My first thought was, had I been able to reach him, to push the trigger that needed to be touched.
I assured Ulric I was alright, he decided we were staying in one spot for the moment, I did not argue for sleep was calling me into its embrace, my fingers moved along the larl's tooth. As my other hand held the talisman I had gifted Garyx not long after he had taken me as his mate.

Perhaps I was not descending into that abyss of insanity after all.

There is a reason for me being pulled. And now that I have an idea there is nothing and no one that is going to stop me from finding me.

For a moment I felt a part of myself that had been locked away begin to resurface, for a moment I have hope.

Sane or insane?

"Tarra female you need to wake up and listen now."

Those words shot right thru me as did the familiar voice that spoke them, only one male had ever called me that, he was an uncivilized warrior to most, but he had a greater understanding of life and people than any that claimed intelligence and civility. A mamba warrior that inspired fear from the first look at him, but I knew him as no other had, for I had been his woman, his heart, his friend and the mother of his children. Lochley.

Why was he speaking to me now I have not felt him since the death of our son Lochlan. For a moment panic infused me, who was going to die next. Falon was his only child left alive, I felt my heart pound and thunder as I sat up quickly. My mind racing in every direction as I tried to focus. " No Sami, no one is going to die." At those words I felt myself relax. thank the skies I whispered to myself. I am not sure I could take the death of another child. Falon was watching over Hallena and my youngest son, the two younger ones have been lately inseparable, quiet and in some ways withdrawn, I am not sure why they will not open up. The youngest son merely shakes his head with some cryptic phrase, " Soon, mother, soon." Something is going on clearly but they are keeping it to themselves. They stay in my wagons, not venturing out of the circle of them. It is not like them to not be with their friends or about, it is as if they are waiting for something. They do not venture near the main fires, instead they keep themselves busy with work that needs to be done near my wagons.

I really did not want to have any discussion, I was tired I wanted to stay under my furs and sleep, I was feeling drained, I have been traveling the lands with Ulric and a few of his men but I have not seen anything out of the ordinary. Perhaps I was on a useless mission and my imagination was guiding me and not something else. After all, how sane is it for a woman to be looking for a man that is dead. Maybe I have finally lost it, I have heard it said some spex do go a little insane from all they see and feel. Maybe its come for me a little early. Or could it be the sky setting me up and soon I will join my loved ones in the blessings of the skies.

I felt the air shimmer and flow around me, a familiar warmth and scent surrounded me, " You are not going insane, keep searching, that what pulls you is there, when the time is right you will know and see. Remember all that I taught you of ways not known to outsiders of the tharlarion people, you are one of the few to know many of our secrets, combine them with the way of your people so that you can see clearly." I hated when he did that, he always spoke in riddles. But I had to think back on various things I had learned during my time in the jungles. I knew what he spoke of, but I have not used that talent since my children were babies. I understood how it worked with the ways of my clan, strangely enough it was as if it were a missing part of a ritual we have always used. Perhaps, it might work. "Really Hallena now is not the time for you to be bosk headed." Great now I hear my mother, are they tag teaming me for a reason or just to make my life miserable for a moment in time. "You come from an old line of Haruspex, you have children that are of the clan, it passes from one generation to another, you were born to this, now open up that damn fool head of yours." Yep, she had learned a few things from my father.

"Tarra Female, you are once more at a cross roads in your life, a decision you must make. For once I will tell you think of yourself and no one else, always you put others first following the way of your people. Even when a few thought you did not and even when the few you brought to your heart listened to voices and chose to believe in things not true. One thinks you abandoned her when you never did, and yet instead of treasuring the bond of sisterhood and friendship she chose to sever the bond. Do you still owe her your loyalty. Others you sought to bring close but their own wants and needs blind them. Yet still you never gave up, Do you still think you should offer that hand? Sometimes there comes a time in life when you need to truly see, I am showing you this now. There will be no pain or hurt spared, regardless of what you choose, to some it will be wrong. Follow your instinct, follow your heart, follow what is true and right. You are a Haruspex and you are the Umakathi. It has always been the choice of each person to either embrace you or walk away, Now it is your choice. Contrary to the bias of a few you have always put tribe first, but tell me woman, have they? Those that truly are your friend and part of you, will understand and know that when you decide it is because it is the path shown to you."

I had to rub my temples, he was making my head hurt. I just wanted to sleep, already the dreams were to much for me, they disturb and disrupt, I can't tell what is real or what is wishful thinking. The images are vivid and brilliant, scents so strong they seem to linger when I wake up. I swear I can catch the fragrance that is unique to Garyx, I would know it anywhere, just as he knows mine. That is the thing about larls they know one another. I felt my hand touch the larl tooth that hung by the braid along my ear. Then I shook my head and lay back down under my furs, I was just nuts plain and simple.

" The black larl searches for the white larl, know that in your heart sami. For a time he was blind, deaf and mute, his mind was obscured even from himself, but now the common sense and common knowledge return to the hunter. Do not give up. He is a part of you and you him, your hearts are bound. "

Then he was gone from my mind as quick as he came. I remember the prophecy of the black larl and the white larl, I had always been known as that in the jungles, and the name has stuck with me even here in my home. Garyx had been revealed as the black larl, so how could it be. Unless, for a moment I allowed myself some hope, could it be possible. Had something happened. I think back on the day we found him,so much blood, so many injuries, could it have been some one else?

Okay, now I am being fanciful, I lay back down to sleep listening to the hissing of the fire, Ulric was near by I could hear him and one of his men talking. I know before to long they will put their foot down and demand we return to the camp, for now they allow me to search for whatever it is that pulls me, for Ulric knows I never do anything fanciful. Something draws me out. I must see who or what.

I know he will buy me that time I need. For now I must focus in a way I have not had to do since the first time I did my first shadow walk.

Now it was time to see. . .

Something speaks . . .

The darkness seemed alive, it swirled and flowed as if it were made of some thick viscous liquid, shimmering and pulsating as if it were breathing and thinking. I could feel it circle around me , closing in but yet it did not touch me, it wanted my attention. But why it was here I do not know.

I could feel a warmth around me as if its breath were whispering along my skin in a sensual caress, it sent shivers thru me, not of fear but of something else, that I could not quite define, or maybe it was I didn't want to define it.

I did not really want to look deep into it, but yet a part of me felt compelled to, I could not fight whatever lure it was that was pulling me, it felt as if something vaguely familiar reached out and grasped my heart and emotions and was trying to ignite them into existence once more. I could have told it that this would be impossible, the day that Garyx was taken from me was the day I ceased to be, I am alive because I am Tuchuk and taking my own life is unthinkable, but also because of our son, I live to see him grow into a grown warrior. A part of me is under lock and key and only one had the key to me.

As much as I tried to fight I could not, I found myself embracing this dark shroud that seemed to be offering something, I felt no fear as I found myself cradled within it, almost as if it were holding me and protecting me, I have not felt that sensation in a very long time, and I found that it was almost to painful to breathe, as old memories and emotions rushed to the surface.

It was in this moment I found myself needing to be free, this was not a path I was ready to go down.These feelings and memories, I was not ready to look at, it was like re-opening a wound, However, my usual strength was failing me as I could not put as much into it as I usually could, I knew the reasons why, and before I could offer myself another thought, suddenly I heard , "Tarra," the tone was familiar and it rushed thru me and wrapped about me, it was that warning tone that Garyx used to give me when I was working to hard or if I was treading on the edges of getting myself in some sort of trouble.
I instantly stopped my struggling and looked around almost expecting to see him, but I did not see him where I was, but I could see a shadow of movement and for a moment I saw a glimpse of vibrant intense green eyes, I knew those eyes, for they have in the past shown not only the true depth of love but also the pride and respect that he often gave to me, and occasionally that look of anger that spoke volumes of the trouble I was in, the mischief that would dance in them when he was planning something for me. So many emotions and thoughts were in those eyes. Why was I seeing them and why was I hearing him?

"Garyx," I would whisper softly, feeling long buried emotions rise up and gather in my chest, and before I could say more or go further, I suddenly came awake with a start, I could feel my hair cling damply to me and I knew that I was only dreaming once more. I sat there for a while in thought, not sure why he was in my thoughts and dreams lately, but I knew it had to have some meaning the question was what.

Suddenly I got up and quickly dressed and rebraided my hair, taking from the box of treasured things the hair tie made of his hair and braided leather, along it was beads of my clan and his, with a larl tooth and herlit feather on the end I secured it in my hair just behind my ear. I gathered a few things and stepped out of my wagon. Mist Runner was already there waiting, and I mounted him and left my circle of wagons and headed for the moment away from the camp. Ulric stopped me and asked what I thought I was doing, he knew by the set of my jaw and the look I gave him, that I could not explain, he muttered beneath his breath something about those damn haruspexes as he got his own mount and motioned to a couple of his men. Seemed I was not going out riding alone. Not that I really expected that I would.

Following whatever it was that was calling to me, I knew I had to ride out on the plains, something was out there calling to me...

The question that had me uneasy... just what was it that was waiting for me?

The embrace of restlessness

The night finds the tentacled fingers of restlessness dancing along my spine, poking, prodding and pushing. I try to ignore it by finding work to occupy my hands and mind which is not difficult, there is always something to keep me busy. It seems for so long since I have not been doing something, I know I have lapsed into some of my old ways since the death of Garyx. From the moment I leave my furst and dress, I am busy, moving and creating or teaching or just doing old fashioned work, until the sky is once more shrouded in a blanket of black velvet and my mind and body is to tired to really do anything other than sleep.

There are times when I watch the youngest son learn the ways of his clan that it is almost painful and eerie as his eyes touch upon me, they see more than is realized even by him, he has his fathers eyes, that vibrant green, the intensity of them, some times it cuts so deep I swear my heart and soul are bleeding. But, my love for him manages to find away around that and love him and guide him. He will never doubt the love that not only I have but what his father had for him as well. Garyx would be proud of him, I know this as surely as I live and breathe. He even has a hint of that wild hair tendency there as well.

I am proud of our youngest son, but then I am proud of all my children no matter where they are.

The fire crackles and hisses near me as I sit weaving a basket, it occupies my hands but not my mind, my mind wanders and travels, so many dreams have invaded my sleep. It is as if something or someone is calling, I can not see clearly thru the murky liquid shadows. I hate these types of dreams, they reveal very little but yet I always know they have a deep and profound meaning or message. A figure moves about, seemingly lost but yet knows without knowing where it is going or trying to go, I can not tell if it is male or female. Yet I see a slimmer of an amulet within the shadow, I can not see it clearly, yet I know it is familiar, I see the dark braided hair entwined within the leather, I can almost capture a scent of blood, not from a wound but from a ritual. The dream each night changes, some times the figure is still as if pensive and in thought, other times it is as if its hand has lifted and motions for me to come. But go where, I can not see where this figure is. What it is.. or what it means.

It is the first time I cannot travel as a dream walker or shadow walker, I know instinctively that these ways will not reveal anything, but what will. I feel as if something is pulling me, but to where and who.

I will have to meditate more on this to get an idea of what I am to do. What I am to seek, I only know it is too strong for me to ignore.

A whisper of something catches my attention. To my surprise it is the herlit that had always been with Garyx, it used to watch over me, I have not seem him in many moons now. But yet there he is, sitting on my spex wagon as if to say, here I am did you miss me. I swear that damn bird is almost smiling, but of course that is not possible,

Then just as fast he spreads his wings and flies around me making noise and then takes off across the plains.

Could it be a sign to follow?

Growth... a priceless gift

How many have noticed the way the light is imprisoned in the wings of the herlit as they spread outward to allow it to glide along the invisible currents of the wind. I ponder this as I sit upon the platform of my wagon. The power and grace that it holds as it dips low and then rise upward so high you almost lose sight. There is a beauty in nature that never ceases to catch my attention. I can get lost in it at times to the point I lose track of the passing of time. Such as today.

And I only know because it took Ulric more than a few times of calling my name to get my attention, and it was that slightly irritated look that he gave me that I knew that more than likely he had been trying to get my attention for a while. Well, what can I say sometimes I get lost in dreams just like everyone else. Sometimes they are dark and morbid, and sometimes silly or lustful. Now those ones, they definetly can capture my attention. Now if only I could find a warrior like the one I often see in my head, then again maybe it is better I don't, that kind of man is just the kind that is dangerous to a woman on so many levels. Just because I am older doesnt mean I dont indulge in the day dreams and fantasies of what I think, feel or want. I just have a harder time sharing myself with others, although I am not quite as bad as I used to be, but lets face it, I could improve on letting others see me for me, not what they percieve or what they think they know.

In time I might one day let all those walls down, but for now I take them one at a time ,one day at a time. Fear can be a very strong defense mechanism. And mine has had a rock solid hold for a very long time. The sad thing is it can isolate and paralyze you in ways that are not so obvious.

Ulric was merely stopping by to see if I needed anything before he returned to his wagons to spend the evening with his mate, he had been out on patrol for a few nights and I could see he would be glad to relax and enjoy a night with his woman. I am glad to see him happy for so long he has been stuck with me, I think in fact longer than anyone, he has known me since I was three, that poor man, I sometimes wonder why it is he is not insane. But, he knows me sometimes better than I know myself. He has been a true friend, I can always count on his trust and honesty, he has never abandoned me or lied to me. And he has put his life in danger for me, such a person is a rare priceless gift and I thank the skies for blessing me with such a person in my life all these turnings. He has found a home in the tribe and has found love and family, it is beautiful to see.

Now if only a few others could find such peace. I hope one day Cana will find such as well, she will always be a daughter to me, and she gave me my first and only grandchild how awesome is that, not to mention the love and joy she gave my son, I will never forget the love in his eyes for her even when death claimed him. That too is one of those most beautiful and rare gifts that I have enjoyed. I hope that she can find such again for I do not want to see her walk her path alone. Then there is Seveya, I have watched her over time, from those first steps into becoming a woman and faltering only to rise upward and keep on going, there is much that she has misunderstood with me, but, I am good with that because it has allowed us both to grow and learn things we were meant to. She has potential that I dont think she has yet to fully see, but she is one that continues to grow, just as Yamka and so many others are and will continue to do so. I think of so many others that I have watched grow and flourish some were young babes when I first saw them, some were young adults but each have grown into warriors and young women, if I sit and think about it, I have been given the best gift anyone can recieve and that is to watch everyone grow up, get thier nose ring, thier first scar, helped deliver the first child and even shared in the sorrow of the first hurt or heartache, I am fortunate to have been a part of so many lives, and hopefully I will see many more. There are a few I still need to learn more of and work more with but I have hopes on those things as well.

There are so many I have not had a chance to see or spend time with, there is much to keep everyone busy, the fires have been quiet as each seem to be caught in thier own lives, I am guilty of that myself. My youngest son has been keeping me company and practicing some of his lessons and some of the warriors of the tribe have been helping teach him the things I cannot,in some ways it was if I am reliving the past, for like Lochlan his father was claimed by the skies and is not there to teach him and guide him, yet this time unlike with Lochlan where I was completely alone other than for Ulric and a few mamba warriors that helped me, this time, my youngest son he has the tribe there to help him so he is never alone, it is not the same as having a father figure but it is not a bad deal. Garyx would be proud of him and how he has grown.

It is sort of odd, that my head is filled with the thoughts of people and growth . But then again it isnt, things have a way of flowing thru my mind when the time is right and when needed. Perhaps it is a sign of things to come or it could be just a moment in time taken to appreciate those that are a part of and have been a part of life on the plains.

Yet, there is that lingering sensation of something swirling in the shadows, a hint of something, like the damp mists that creep along the ground, you know its there but you cant grasp it for it slips thru your fingers and seeps right thru you, like the fresh scent of blood it reaches out with its unique fragrance to glide along your senses daring you to open them and look, and when you do what will you find, a pool of blood that will devour and claim you or just a slow flowing drop that for a moment is suspended, perfect in shape and glistening like a ruby against black velvet.

Its there but is it? It calls to you, but does it really. Always it is there curling its etheric finger like an unholy spectre in the night, or is it an enlightment that is radiant in its splendour, could it be both, are they one and the same?

Does it have meaning, or is it something that just is? One must be careful because sometimes, things are nothing and sometimes they are something. It is another one of those questions that comes with moments of contemplation.

Leaving no doubt, sometimes we can simply just think to much.

We watch... we wait. . .

There is a haunting silence hanging in the air, I am not sure yet what to make of it. I have been lingering within the clan fires for some time now, perhaps it is an escape or perhaps it is to seek an answer to unknown questions. I keep busy teaching the sacred teachings to those that have reached a certain pinnacle in thier training. When not teaching I am making potions, amulets and doing other assorted tasks.

Yet thru all this I find myself thinking of various people, it is not uncommon for my father to disappear for turnings at a time, but this time it has been to long with no word. Has he gone to see Dina and Lukus in the jungles or has he gone elsewhere. I do not know. Sometimes I want to go look for him, sometimes I consider leaving the plains and rejoining my sister and brothers. But, I am unable to take that path for it is here where my home and heart is. I find myself thinking of Tanner a great deal lately, I am not sure why, did he ever find his mother and sister, does he still live if so what became of him, he always said he would return and yet he never did, I am not sure I agree with the mindset of him being a traitor yet I can see why some would think it. Truth is I understand why he did what he did. My first question would be, what of those that had left for less than honorable reasons and yet were allowed to return, should they not have been tried and put before the tribe. What of those that were tribe and have done worse yet with no repercussions, I think I would have to stand up and speak against him being tried for something that all of us would do and have done, I like to think that the sky would forgive us some things when it came to the intention of it. But this is my thought I do not voice it to anyone. It may be that he will never return, I think that I will always have that empty spot forever in my heart, with questions unanswered.

It is like with Garyx, sometimes it feels as if he is still near yet I know he is not. The sky claimed him but it is a feeling that persists, could it be our son that causes such feelings or just the wishful thoughts of an old woman who has seen to much, been thru too much and is simply too tired to go on another day. Some days I wish the sky would have claimed me the few times I have been at the edge of deaths embrace. Then there are times I consider going out on a hunt and pray that a larl will claim my life. Death seems to be in my head lately, dancing with a macrabre delight.

I think I feel it more now because of my age, because of all who have died or disappeared before me. A mother should never have to see her children die or be taken. A woman should never have to endure the constant embrace of shadows and pain. And we should never have to walk alone. Maybe it is a sign that death will soon come to carry me home to join those that have gone on before me, perhaps Lochlan and Lochley will be there to escort me.

It is odd as I walk thru the camp, it is as if the physical part of me is among the people offering my help or a moment to listen and yet there is the spex part of me that seems to be on a different plane, as if watching and gaurding. I feel something lately in addition to the hauntings of my heart, I can not pin point what it is. But I feel a strong protective urge deep within me. I know a few of the elders have felt it, the younger ones of the clan and even those who like to think they are spex but are not part of the clan they do not feel it nor are they aware of it. Only one other may be aware but I am not yet sure, it is one we watch, guide and at times prod and push for reasons that it is not time yet to be understood. I like the other ones take my place at the edge of the camp, we form a circle, a shroud it is that part of us that is pulled and strained to watch over our family, our tribe, for that is what we all are a part of each other.It is not something visibly seen or felt among the tribe, but I do know this much, the power and strength that is put into it is both energetic for us and draining for us, it is a fine line we walk when we step out of ourselves to do something like this. What is it that is causing us to take part of something that has not been done before, only spoken of in whispers over the generations.

We are the gaurdians of many things the keepers of secrets, the holders of truth and lies, we now stand watch over those within, our leaders, our warriors, our women, our children and our slaves. Each is important to the survival of the people.

For without one there can be none and yet as long as one stands we are united and strong.

What beckons in the distance?

Will the tribe flourish or will it become like the whitened bones of the kailla and larls, scattered in the wind and dusted by the sands.

a night of pondering

The air is laden with various fragrances as fires embrace pots of stew that simmer in the evening waiting for a hungry belly to devour it. The low hum of voices as couples walk along well worn paths talking of their future plans or remembering the past. An occasional clang or crack is heard as children play and some even practice various fighting skills to perfect their own.

Sitting on the platform of my wagon I take it all in, only the hissing of my own fire and the faint scent of sage disturb my peace. Like so many at times I catch myself reminiscing of things of the past and those of my past. Some I try not to dwell on.

It is interesting that my thoughts linger upon Garyx it is at times as if he is near but I know he is not. Also more often my thoughts drift to Tanner, I wonder often did he find his mother and sisters. I still have some of the tea he left me all those turnings ago. I use it only when I need to for it has a specific use and I have not been able to duplicate the mixture. I hold a small wooden box that holds many mementos of my life, the first teeth of each of my children when they lost it, the first gift from each of them, which have been rather unique themselves. Sentimental things I have kept from each of my matings for each one held something special regardless of what occurred or how they ended. Things that belonged to my father and grand parents. At the moment I hold a bracelet made of dark hair, Tanner had given it to me so that a part of him would always be with me, much like the feather and larls tooth from Garyx was for the same purpose, two very different men and yet very much alike in some things and also in what they believed in. Fate of course took them both from me, how is that for irony. I think that the time I have spent alone is the longest I have spent since my first mating when I was only eighteen.

I am not sure what makes me think of these two warriors. One has died and one has disappeared yet something calls to me in the night, beckoning me, drawing my thoughts to them I do not know why. I do know that some may say Tanner betrayed the tribe but I am not sure I agree with that for I have seen many do worse and yet have never had to stand trial or be judged. I can not say I have not done the same as he did, my own daughter when she was missing I left the tribe to find her I did not think of anyone else only the fact that she was in danger and dying, I knew she was, I had to go no force would have or could have stopped me. So therefore I also have broken that tradition at least once in my life. So I can not say I would judge him guilty. Yes, we all grew up with the teachings, tribe above all else, I know my father followed it to the letter, I have the emotional scars attesting to it. For the most part I think we all strive for this, but I think as humans we are flawed, we falter and we fail, is it then not more of when this occurs to look at the situation. I have seen many things that make what Tanner did seem like nothing. So that leads me to the thought.

When we say this, what do we really mean. In my heart I know what it means to put tribe above everything, it is first and foremost, the needs of it are above our own. But does anyone really remember what it truly means.

There is a meaning to it. We only need to look within to find the true meaning of tribe.

Not a one of us is perfect, we all fall and get up, that is not to say that repeat offenders get a get out of jail free card, for the elders that have gone completely off the path they have no further freebies.

But I think for that rare time when something occurs that gives you a moment of thought, then it should be examined.

For me tribe above all else comes from my heart, everyone is a part of me, I feel them, I see them hear them. Each heart beat is woven to mine, to love myself is to love them, to accept myself and my flaws is also to accept such of others. We must yes follow old ways but I think not in a regimented way that does not allow room for breathing.

No a free woman should not drink at the main fires and get drunk and act like a slut by being all over a man, but a free woman of the tribe can have some wine and enjoy laughter and respectable dance. There is the difference. A woman without a ring is not a woman a man would court she is not ready to be a woman that is unchanging, just as a man with no courage scar can not own a wagon a slave or anything until he proves himself. Just because some one arrives and says they are tuchuk means nothing if you lived as a dweller then you are a stranger regardless of your blood. There are many such things that have lee way and some that do not. If a woman submits to a man in public then she is a slave that is not even a question, but what a man and woman who are mated choose to do in private well that is something entirely different. Slaves have their place and need to be reminded of what their place is, Free women have their place and even a tuchuk free woman needs reminders of her place, A man has his place and even a warrior needs reminding of his place.

Everything and everyone connected and interwoven.

It is strange these thoughts of mine that seem to linger upon many things, the reason I am not quite sure.

Perhaps it is just old age creeping up on me. Or perhaps it is something else.

In the stillness

There is a stillness that has not been upon the plains in a very long time. Even the laughter of children seems softer not as exuberant, I have been listening to the winds of late, imprisoned in the enclave with the elders. Not that I really mind, what is out there for me to tend to. My mate has long been dead, I have not sought another I learned very quickly that the men of the tribe like those that are young,malleable and do not know the bonds of loyalty or love. If that is what our men have become, I am better off alone.

Family has all but become extinct.

Freinds are fair weathered freinds, they betray, manipulate and lie. And smile in your face as they do it. And yet knowing how you feel they push the blade deep into your back and turn it to slice up your heart until it bleeds profusely.

Children, they grow up and start thier own lives, independent and seperate from you, just as it should be. A male child earns his name when he can master certain things, some say it given by age but this is not so. Some grow up never mastering what they are to and remain without a name into adulthood.

Tribe, many have lost sight of what it means. There is no such thing any more and there has not been for a long time, we have become only a living faded memory of a glory that can never be recaptured and of a greatness lost. Old ways and traditions tossed aside and laughed about in favor of what is claimed to be the new ways, those are the ways of slaves and dwellers. Not tuchuks.

I begin to wonder if the epitaph has been written.

I have watched so many Ubars come and go in my life time. I have watched so many things over the many turnings I have lived, and I have shared in the joys,trials, failures and triumphs. But yet to those that are about I know nothing and have experienced anything, they think only they have felt the slap of fate. Truth is, they have yet to experience the things that truly make you or break you, only a couple can I say know just how harsh the life of a tuchuk is.

But, what I see now, in truth I am not sure this is a part of the plains I wish to reside in any longer. I cant be apart of something that is not true, embrace those that have no idea what it means to be tuchuk or tribe. I also can not follow what is not right or true just to say I walk to the same beat of the drum as you. I do not.

I walk the path of a haruspex, I have been born one I did not chose it chose me which is how it should be, I know the old ways, I am not flamboyant or flighty nor do I act like a slut in heat when bored or want attention. I do not play one man against another, or brother against brother, woman against woman. I do not go after a man when another has an interest, because a freind and tribe sister or brother would not do these things. I have been a daughter, a sister, a mother, a grandmother, a woman and a mate and a freind and advisor, a healer, a teacher and when need be a killer. So many things I have been I could not even tell you how to define me, because you could not. I am flawed, I am stubborn, I am fearless and I am generous and passionate. I can be vengeful if you harm what is mine, I will close you out when you lie and hurt me, rarely do you get a second chance, to me the worst thing you can do is lie and manipulate there is no honor or courage in it. But this is me. Not others.

When you cut the tapestry threads it unravels, when it unravels you cease to be.

This is why all the elders are not seen.

This is why there is silence.

This was seen so many moons ago in a dream. But no one listened. I was told I did not know anything and they went to another. They were told what they wanted to hear, by another that was popular and everything they felt I was not. Is it not sad that they had to learn that they were told wrong. A tribal sister asked why I did not correct them. The answer was simple they had to learn for themselves, every step a person takes leads them towards a path that awaits them I can only guide and teach, sometimes the teaching requires knowing when to let another find thier way themselves and to let things be proven to them naturally. I am only me, I dont bend my will for anyone, I am a part of everything and everyone.

Perhaps now, those that were blind will see , those that were deaf will hear. And to those that recalled my words, now you understand I speak true.

I still stand . I am still here. I have been long before you and so I shall remain long after you.

You know how to find me if you have the courage. If you dare. The mantle needs to be picked up. I can see who it is. But I will not say. They will come to me. then we shall see.