There is a haunting silence hanging in the air, I am not sure yet what to make of it. I have been lingering within the clan fires for some time now, perhaps it is an escape or perhaps it is to seek an answer to unknown questions. I keep busy teaching the sacred teachings to those that have reached a certain pinnacle in thier training. When not teaching I am making potions, amulets and doing other assorted tasks.
Yet thru all this I find myself thinking of various people, it is not uncommon for my father to disappear for turnings at a time, but this time it has been to long with no word. Has he gone to see Dina and Lukus in the jungles or has he gone elsewhere. I do not know. Sometimes I want to go look for him, sometimes I consider leaving the plains and rejoining my sister and brothers. But, I am unable to take that path for it is here where my home and heart is. I find myself thinking of Tanner a great deal lately, I am not sure why, did he ever find his mother and sister, does he still live if so what became of him, he always said he would return and yet he never did, I am not sure I agree with the mindset of him being a traitor yet I can see why some would think it. Truth is I understand why he did what he did. My first question would be, what of those that had left for less than honorable reasons and yet were allowed to return, should they not have been tried and put before the tribe. What of those that were tribe and have done worse yet with no repercussions, I think I would have to stand up and speak against him being tried for something that all of us would do and have done, I like to think that the sky would forgive us some things when it came to the intention of it. But this is my thought I do not voice it to anyone. It may be that he will never return, I think that I will always have that empty spot forever in my heart, with questions unanswered.
It is like with Garyx, sometimes it feels as if he is still near yet I know he is not. The sky claimed him but it is a feeling that persists, could it be our son that causes such feelings or just the wishful thoughts of an old woman who has seen to much, been thru too much and is simply too tired to go on another day. Some days I wish the sky would have claimed me the few times I have been at the edge of deaths embrace. Then there are times I consider going out on a hunt and pray that a larl will claim my life. Death seems to be in my head lately, dancing with a macrabre delight.
I think I feel it more now because of my age, because of all who have died or disappeared before me. A mother should never have to see her children die or be taken. A woman should never have to endure the constant embrace of shadows and pain. And we should never have to walk alone. Maybe it is a sign that death will soon come to carry me home to join those that have gone on before me, perhaps Lochlan and Lochley will be there to escort me.
It is odd as I walk thru the camp, it is as if the physical part of me is among the people offering my help or a moment to listen and yet there is the spex part of me that seems to be on a different plane, as if watching and gaurding. I feel something lately in addition to the hauntings of my heart, I can not pin point what it is. But I feel a strong protective urge deep within me. I know a few of the elders have felt it, the younger ones of the clan and even those who like to think they are spex but are not part of the clan they do not feel it nor are they aware of it. Only one other may be aware but I am not yet sure, it is one we watch, guide and at times prod and push for reasons that it is not time yet to be understood. I like the other ones take my place at the edge of the camp, we form a circle, a shroud it is that part of us that is pulled and strained to watch over our family, our tribe, for that is what we all are a part of each other.It is not something visibly seen or felt among the tribe, but I do know this much, the power and strength that is put into it is both energetic for us and draining for us, it is a fine line we walk when we step out of ourselves to do something like this. What is it that is causing us to take part of something that has not been done before, only spoken of in whispers over the generations.
We are the gaurdians of many things the keepers of secrets, the holders of truth and lies, we now stand watch over those within, our leaders, our warriors, our women, our children and our slaves. Each is important to the survival of the people.
For without one there can be none and yet as long as one stands we are united and strong.
What beckons in the distance?
Will the tribe flourish or will it become like the whitened bones of the kailla and larls, scattered in the wind and dusted by the sands.
