To look beyond the obvious

The days seemed to be longer and slower with each step I had taken, thru the whisper of the grasses I would listen, within the eye of the sky I would watch, and with each breath I drew my heart beat one with the plains, a soft low chant would drift over the invisible wings of the land. But yet, I did not find anything or anyone.

Really, did I expect to.

Foolishly, yes a part of me did.

As I sit within the circle reciting the names of those we call upon only in times of need and ritual, spoken in an old Tuchuk language that very few even now remember exists, it is done with purpose for some things can not be spoken of lightly. I felt as if every cell within me hummed and vibrated, that an intense fire had been lit and I was caught in the middle and yet at the same time I felt ice cold as if the Thassa itself washed over me, the howling within me felt as if the winds of the plains had gathered and taken root within me. So deep had I gone into the place that we as a spex go on rare occasions, that I had forgotten how much it took and how it felt, those of us that are of all the elements are able to harness them and utilize what is associated with them, but, at a price.

Skies, I was going to regret this in a major painful kind of way.

I kept pushing myself, incorporating an ancient jungle ritual in with the clan one, the results were spectacular as for a moment the brilliance of the energy was almost blinding, I almost lost my focus from my amazement, after all these turnings, this astounded me, and it is not easy to leave me speechless. Thank the skies for all those en'vars of training and discipline for even with that, I found myself almost losing control and losing myself, to do so meant I would be lost in every way, and I did not feel that the sky was calling my name yet.

With that iron will determination or as some would say my stubbornness, I gathered every resource I had and knew and focused. At first I did not want to look, I did not want to go back to that day, even now it is like a knife deep in my heart turning and slashing, ripping me apart and letting me bleed, I could not do this without emotion as is most times needed, this was to personal, to deep and to painful I almost stopped but something would not let me, I watched that day play out, I felt the heat of my tears along my cheek as I watched every detail. Then a few small things caught my attention, never noticed by me or anyone else. This gave me some pause and thought, could it truly be it was not Garyx, but he had an uncanny resemblance, but even so, it is hard to tell given the extent of injuries rendered to him, but there was enough to make me question it.

Without warning the moment was gone, instead once more I was shrouded in darkness, only this time I could hear and feel some one, It was Garyx, but he was in pain, the kind of pain that I have never felt and while I could not see, I felt everything he did, and it was beyond what I could handle, for the first time since I was a young girl, I was overwhelmed and the shock of it sent a jolt thru me that seemed to rob me of my very breath, I did not realize that I had screamed out a few times, although I can handle many things, I am not a man, and what he endured was to much for any man to feel, but for me it was almost crippling I swear I could feel my skin rip and bleed, my bones snap and hiss. From a distance I could hear Ulric, the concern and fear in his voice I heard but I could not respond to him. Before I was allowed to be free of this vision, for a brief ehn, I saw Garyx,he was traveling in various places, he seemed to be searching for something, he did not seem himself, but as he reached the plains, something was changing in him a glimpse of his true self was once more rising upward with in him. Knowledge lost was returning, I could see life returning to his eyes, and in an instant it was as if he saw me, and I saw that brilliant, vibrant intensity reach out to me. I reached out to him and then all went black.

It would be many ahns later before I would open my eyes, Ulric had covered me in furs apparently I was trembling as if very cold, a low fire hissed and crackled near by, mingled with the scent of roasting meat. My first thought was, had I been able to reach him, to push the trigger that needed to be touched.
I assured Ulric I was alright, he decided we were staying in one spot for the moment, I did not argue for sleep was calling me into its embrace, my fingers moved along the larl's tooth. As my other hand held the talisman I had gifted Garyx not long after he had taken me as his mate.

Perhaps I was not descending into that abyss of insanity after all.

There is a reason for me being pulled. And now that I have an idea there is nothing and no one that is going to stop me from finding me.

For a moment I felt a part of myself that had been locked away begin to resurface, for a moment I have hope.

Sane or insane?

"Tarra female you need to wake up and listen now."

Those words shot right thru me as did the familiar voice that spoke them, only one male had ever called me that, he was an uncivilized warrior to most, but he had a greater understanding of life and people than any that claimed intelligence and civility. A mamba warrior that inspired fear from the first look at him, but I knew him as no other had, for I had been his woman, his heart, his friend and the mother of his children. Lochley.

Why was he speaking to me now I have not felt him since the death of our son Lochlan. For a moment panic infused me, who was going to die next. Falon was his only child left alive, I felt my heart pound and thunder as I sat up quickly. My mind racing in every direction as I tried to focus. " No Sami, no one is going to die." At those words I felt myself relax. thank the skies I whispered to myself. I am not sure I could take the death of another child. Falon was watching over Hallena and my youngest son, the two younger ones have been lately inseparable, quiet and in some ways withdrawn, I am not sure why they will not open up. The youngest son merely shakes his head with some cryptic phrase, " Soon, mother, soon." Something is going on clearly but they are keeping it to themselves. They stay in my wagons, not venturing out of the circle of them. It is not like them to not be with their friends or about, it is as if they are waiting for something. They do not venture near the main fires, instead they keep themselves busy with work that needs to be done near my wagons.

I really did not want to have any discussion, I was tired I wanted to stay under my furs and sleep, I was feeling drained, I have been traveling the lands with Ulric and a few of his men but I have not seen anything out of the ordinary. Perhaps I was on a useless mission and my imagination was guiding me and not something else. After all, how sane is it for a woman to be looking for a man that is dead. Maybe I have finally lost it, I have heard it said some spex do go a little insane from all they see and feel. Maybe its come for me a little early. Or could it be the sky setting me up and soon I will join my loved ones in the blessings of the skies.

I felt the air shimmer and flow around me, a familiar warmth and scent surrounded me, " You are not going insane, keep searching, that what pulls you is there, when the time is right you will know and see. Remember all that I taught you of ways not known to outsiders of the tharlarion people, you are one of the few to know many of our secrets, combine them with the way of your people so that you can see clearly." I hated when he did that, he always spoke in riddles. But I had to think back on various things I had learned during my time in the jungles. I knew what he spoke of, but I have not used that talent since my children were babies. I understood how it worked with the ways of my clan, strangely enough it was as if it were a missing part of a ritual we have always used. Perhaps, it might work. "Really Hallena now is not the time for you to be bosk headed." Great now I hear my mother, are they tag teaming me for a reason or just to make my life miserable for a moment in time. "You come from an old line of Haruspex, you have children that are of the clan, it passes from one generation to another, you were born to this, now open up that damn fool head of yours." Yep, she had learned a few things from my father.

"Tarra Female, you are once more at a cross roads in your life, a decision you must make. For once I will tell you think of yourself and no one else, always you put others first following the way of your people. Even when a few thought you did not and even when the few you brought to your heart listened to voices and chose to believe in things not true. One thinks you abandoned her when you never did, and yet instead of treasuring the bond of sisterhood and friendship she chose to sever the bond. Do you still owe her your loyalty. Others you sought to bring close but their own wants and needs blind them. Yet still you never gave up, Do you still think you should offer that hand? Sometimes there comes a time in life when you need to truly see, I am showing you this now. There will be no pain or hurt spared, regardless of what you choose, to some it will be wrong. Follow your instinct, follow your heart, follow what is true and right. You are a Haruspex and you are the Umakathi. It has always been the choice of each person to either embrace you or walk away, Now it is your choice. Contrary to the bias of a few you have always put tribe first, but tell me woman, have they? Those that truly are your friend and part of you, will understand and know that when you decide it is because it is the path shown to you."

I had to rub my temples, he was making my head hurt. I just wanted to sleep, already the dreams were to much for me, they disturb and disrupt, I can't tell what is real or what is wishful thinking. The images are vivid and brilliant, scents so strong they seem to linger when I wake up. I swear I can catch the fragrance that is unique to Garyx, I would know it anywhere, just as he knows mine. That is the thing about larls they know one another. I felt my hand touch the larl tooth that hung by the braid along my ear. Then I shook my head and lay back down under my furs, I was just nuts plain and simple.

" The black larl searches for the white larl, know that in your heart sami. For a time he was blind, deaf and mute, his mind was obscured even from himself, but now the common sense and common knowledge return to the hunter. Do not give up. He is a part of you and you him, your hearts are bound. "

Then he was gone from my mind as quick as he came. I remember the prophecy of the black larl and the white larl, I had always been known as that in the jungles, and the name has stuck with me even here in my home. Garyx had been revealed as the black larl, so how could it be. Unless, for a moment I allowed myself some hope, could it be possible. Had something happened. I think back on the day we found him,so much blood, so many injuries, could it have been some one else?

Okay, now I am being fanciful, I lay back down to sleep listening to the hissing of the fire, Ulric was near by I could hear him and one of his men talking. I know before to long they will put their foot down and demand we return to the camp, for now they allow me to search for whatever it is that pulls me, for Ulric knows I never do anything fanciful. Something draws me out. I must see who or what.

I know he will buy me that time I need. For now I must focus in a way I have not had to do since the first time I did my first shadow walk.

Now it was time to see. . .

Something speaks . . .

The darkness seemed alive, it swirled and flowed as if it were made of some thick viscous liquid, shimmering and pulsating as if it were breathing and thinking. I could feel it circle around me , closing in but yet it did not touch me, it wanted my attention. But why it was here I do not know.

I could feel a warmth around me as if its breath were whispering along my skin in a sensual caress, it sent shivers thru me, not of fear but of something else, that I could not quite define, or maybe it was I didn't want to define it.

I did not really want to look deep into it, but yet a part of me felt compelled to, I could not fight whatever lure it was that was pulling me, it felt as if something vaguely familiar reached out and grasped my heart and emotions and was trying to ignite them into existence once more. I could have told it that this would be impossible, the day that Garyx was taken from me was the day I ceased to be, I am alive because I am Tuchuk and taking my own life is unthinkable, but also because of our son, I live to see him grow into a grown warrior. A part of me is under lock and key and only one had the key to me.

As much as I tried to fight I could not, I found myself embracing this dark shroud that seemed to be offering something, I felt no fear as I found myself cradled within it, almost as if it were holding me and protecting me, I have not felt that sensation in a very long time, and I found that it was almost to painful to breathe, as old memories and emotions rushed to the surface.

It was in this moment I found myself needing to be free, this was not a path I was ready to go down.These feelings and memories, I was not ready to look at, it was like re-opening a wound, However, my usual strength was failing me as I could not put as much into it as I usually could, I knew the reasons why, and before I could offer myself another thought, suddenly I heard , "Tarra," the tone was familiar and it rushed thru me and wrapped about me, it was that warning tone that Garyx used to give me when I was working to hard or if I was treading on the edges of getting myself in some sort of trouble.
I instantly stopped my struggling and looked around almost expecting to see him, but I did not see him where I was, but I could see a shadow of movement and for a moment I saw a glimpse of vibrant intense green eyes, I knew those eyes, for they have in the past shown not only the true depth of love but also the pride and respect that he often gave to me, and occasionally that look of anger that spoke volumes of the trouble I was in, the mischief that would dance in them when he was planning something for me. So many emotions and thoughts were in those eyes. Why was I seeing them and why was I hearing him?

"Garyx," I would whisper softly, feeling long buried emotions rise up and gather in my chest, and before I could say more or go further, I suddenly came awake with a start, I could feel my hair cling damply to me and I knew that I was only dreaming once more. I sat there for a while in thought, not sure why he was in my thoughts and dreams lately, but I knew it had to have some meaning the question was what.

Suddenly I got up and quickly dressed and rebraided my hair, taking from the box of treasured things the hair tie made of his hair and braided leather, along it was beads of my clan and his, with a larl tooth and herlit feather on the end I secured it in my hair just behind my ear. I gathered a few things and stepped out of my wagon. Mist Runner was already there waiting, and I mounted him and left my circle of wagons and headed for the moment away from the camp. Ulric stopped me and asked what I thought I was doing, he knew by the set of my jaw and the look I gave him, that I could not explain, he muttered beneath his breath something about those damn haruspexes as he got his own mount and motioned to a couple of his men. Seemed I was not going out riding alone. Not that I really expected that I would.

Following whatever it was that was calling to me, I knew I had to ride out on the plains, something was out there calling to me...

The question that had me uneasy... just what was it that was waiting for me?

The embrace of restlessness

The night finds the tentacled fingers of restlessness dancing along my spine, poking, prodding and pushing. I try to ignore it by finding work to occupy my hands and mind which is not difficult, there is always something to keep me busy. It seems for so long since I have not been doing something, I know I have lapsed into some of my old ways since the death of Garyx. From the moment I leave my furst and dress, I am busy, moving and creating or teaching or just doing old fashioned work, until the sky is once more shrouded in a blanket of black velvet and my mind and body is to tired to really do anything other than sleep.

There are times when I watch the youngest son learn the ways of his clan that it is almost painful and eerie as his eyes touch upon me, they see more than is realized even by him, he has his fathers eyes, that vibrant green, the intensity of them, some times it cuts so deep I swear my heart and soul are bleeding. But, my love for him manages to find away around that and love him and guide him. He will never doubt the love that not only I have but what his father had for him as well. Garyx would be proud of him, I know this as surely as I live and breathe. He even has a hint of that wild hair tendency there as well.

I am proud of our youngest son, but then I am proud of all my children no matter where they are.

The fire crackles and hisses near me as I sit weaving a basket, it occupies my hands but not my mind, my mind wanders and travels, so many dreams have invaded my sleep. It is as if something or someone is calling, I can not see clearly thru the murky liquid shadows. I hate these types of dreams, they reveal very little but yet I always know they have a deep and profound meaning or message. A figure moves about, seemingly lost but yet knows without knowing where it is going or trying to go, I can not tell if it is male or female. Yet I see a slimmer of an amulet within the shadow, I can not see it clearly, yet I know it is familiar, I see the dark braided hair entwined within the leather, I can almost capture a scent of blood, not from a wound but from a ritual. The dream each night changes, some times the figure is still as if pensive and in thought, other times it is as if its hand has lifted and motions for me to come. But go where, I can not see where this figure is. What it is.. or what it means.

It is the first time I cannot travel as a dream walker or shadow walker, I know instinctively that these ways will not reveal anything, but what will. I feel as if something is pulling me, but to where and who.

I will have to meditate more on this to get an idea of what I am to do. What I am to seek, I only know it is too strong for me to ignore.

A whisper of something catches my attention. To my surprise it is the herlit that had always been with Garyx, it used to watch over me, I have not seem him in many moons now. But yet there he is, sitting on my spex wagon as if to say, here I am did you miss me. I swear that damn bird is almost smiling, but of course that is not possible,

Then just as fast he spreads his wings and flies around me making noise and then takes off across the plains.

Could it be a sign to follow?