Growth... a priceless gift

How many have noticed the way the light is imprisoned in the wings of the herlit as they spread outward to allow it to glide along the invisible currents of the wind. I ponder this as I sit upon the platform of my wagon. The power and grace that it holds as it dips low and then rise upward so high you almost lose sight. There is a beauty in nature that never ceases to catch my attention. I can get lost in it at times to the point I lose track of the passing of time. Such as today.

And I only know because it took Ulric more than a few times of calling my name to get my attention, and it was that slightly irritated look that he gave me that I knew that more than likely he had been trying to get my attention for a while. Well, what can I say sometimes I get lost in dreams just like everyone else. Sometimes they are dark and morbid, and sometimes silly or lustful. Now those ones, they definetly can capture my attention. Now if only I could find a warrior like the one I often see in my head, then again maybe it is better I don't, that kind of man is just the kind that is dangerous to a woman on so many levels. Just because I am older doesnt mean I dont indulge in the day dreams and fantasies of what I think, feel or want. I just have a harder time sharing myself with others, although I am not quite as bad as I used to be, but lets face it, I could improve on letting others see me for me, not what they percieve or what they think they know.

In time I might one day let all those walls down, but for now I take them one at a time ,one day at a time. Fear can be a very strong defense mechanism. And mine has had a rock solid hold for a very long time. The sad thing is it can isolate and paralyze you in ways that are not so obvious.

Ulric was merely stopping by to see if I needed anything before he returned to his wagons to spend the evening with his mate, he had been out on patrol for a few nights and I could see he would be glad to relax and enjoy a night with his woman. I am glad to see him happy for so long he has been stuck with me, I think in fact longer than anyone, he has known me since I was three, that poor man, I sometimes wonder why it is he is not insane. But, he knows me sometimes better than I know myself. He has been a true friend, I can always count on his trust and honesty, he has never abandoned me or lied to me. And he has put his life in danger for me, such a person is a rare priceless gift and I thank the skies for blessing me with such a person in my life all these turnings. He has found a home in the tribe and has found love and family, it is beautiful to see.

Now if only a few others could find such peace. I hope one day Cana will find such as well, she will always be a daughter to me, and she gave me my first and only grandchild how awesome is that, not to mention the love and joy she gave my son, I will never forget the love in his eyes for her even when death claimed him. That too is one of those most beautiful and rare gifts that I have enjoyed. I hope that she can find such again for I do not want to see her walk her path alone. Then there is Seveya, I have watched her over time, from those first steps into becoming a woman and faltering only to rise upward and keep on going, there is much that she has misunderstood with me, but, I am good with that because it has allowed us both to grow and learn things we were meant to. She has potential that I dont think she has yet to fully see, but she is one that continues to grow, just as Yamka and so many others are and will continue to do so. I think of so many others that I have watched grow and flourish some were young babes when I first saw them, some were young adults but each have grown into warriors and young women, if I sit and think about it, I have been given the best gift anyone can recieve and that is to watch everyone grow up, get thier nose ring, thier first scar, helped deliver the first child and even shared in the sorrow of the first hurt or heartache, I am fortunate to have been a part of so many lives, and hopefully I will see many more. There are a few I still need to learn more of and work more with but I have hopes on those things as well.

There are so many I have not had a chance to see or spend time with, there is much to keep everyone busy, the fires have been quiet as each seem to be caught in thier own lives, I am guilty of that myself. My youngest son has been keeping me company and practicing some of his lessons and some of the warriors of the tribe have been helping teach him the things I cannot,in some ways it was if I am reliving the past, for like Lochlan his father was claimed by the skies and is not there to teach him and guide him, yet this time unlike with Lochlan where I was completely alone other than for Ulric and a few mamba warriors that helped me, this time, my youngest son he has the tribe there to help him so he is never alone, it is not the same as having a father figure but it is not a bad deal. Garyx would be proud of him and how he has grown.

It is sort of odd, that my head is filled with the thoughts of people and growth . But then again it isnt, things have a way of flowing thru my mind when the time is right and when needed. Perhaps it is a sign of things to come or it could be just a moment in time taken to appreciate those that are a part of and have been a part of life on the plains.

Yet, there is that lingering sensation of something swirling in the shadows, a hint of something, like the damp mists that creep along the ground, you know its there but you cant grasp it for it slips thru your fingers and seeps right thru you, like the fresh scent of blood it reaches out with its unique fragrance to glide along your senses daring you to open them and look, and when you do what will you find, a pool of blood that will devour and claim you or just a slow flowing drop that for a moment is suspended, perfect in shape and glistening like a ruby against black velvet.

Its there but is it? It calls to you, but does it really. Always it is there curling its etheric finger like an unholy spectre in the night, or is it an enlightment that is radiant in its splendour, could it be both, are they one and the same?

Does it have meaning, or is it something that just is? One must be careful because sometimes, things are nothing and sometimes they are something. It is another one of those questions that comes with moments of contemplation.

Leaving no doubt, sometimes we can simply just think to much.

We watch... we wait. . .

There is a haunting silence hanging in the air, I am not sure yet what to make of it. I have been lingering within the clan fires for some time now, perhaps it is an escape or perhaps it is to seek an answer to unknown questions. I keep busy teaching the sacred teachings to those that have reached a certain pinnacle in thier training. When not teaching I am making potions, amulets and doing other assorted tasks.

Yet thru all this I find myself thinking of various people, it is not uncommon for my father to disappear for turnings at a time, but this time it has been to long with no word. Has he gone to see Dina and Lukus in the jungles or has he gone elsewhere. I do not know. Sometimes I want to go look for him, sometimes I consider leaving the plains and rejoining my sister and brothers. But, I am unable to take that path for it is here where my home and heart is. I find myself thinking of Tanner a great deal lately, I am not sure why, did he ever find his mother and sister, does he still live if so what became of him, he always said he would return and yet he never did, I am not sure I agree with the mindset of him being a traitor yet I can see why some would think it. Truth is I understand why he did what he did. My first question would be, what of those that had left for less than honorable reasons and yet were allowed to return, should they not have been tried and put before the tribe. What of those that were tribe and have done worse yet with no repercussions, I think I would have to stand up and speak against him being tried for something that all of us would do and have done, I like to think that the sky would forgive us some things when it came to the intention of it. But this is my thought I do not voice it to anyone. It may be that he will never return, I think that I will always have that empty spot forever in my heart, with questions unanswered.

It is like with Garyx, sometimes it feels as if he is still near yet I know he is not. The sky claimed him but it is a feeling that persists, could it be our son that causes such feelings or just the wishful thoughts of an old woman who has seen to much, been thru too much and is simply too tired to go on another day. Some days I wish the sky would have claimed me the few times I have been at the edge of deaths embrace. Then there are times I consider going out on a hunt and pray that a larl will claim my life. Death seems to be in my head lately, dancing with a macrabre delight.

I think I feel it more now because of my age, because of all who have died or disappeared before me. A mother should never have to see her children die or be taken. A woman should never have to endure the constant embrace of shadows and pain. And we should never have to walk alone. Maybe it is a sign that death will soon come to carry me home to join those that have gone on before me, perhaps Lochlan and Lochley will be there to escort me.

It is odd as I walk thru the camp, it is as if the physical part of me is among the people offering my help or a moment to listen and yet there is the spex part of me that seems to be on a different plane, as if watching and gaurding. I feel something lately in addition to the hauntings of my heart, I can not pin point what it is. But I feel a strong protective urge deep within me. I know a few of the elders have felt it, the younger ones of the clan and even those who like to think they are spex but are not part of the clan they do not feel it nor are they aware of it. Only one other may be aware but I am not yet sure, it is one we watch, guide and at times prod and push for reasons that it is not time yet to be understood. I like the other ones take my place at the edge of the camp, we form a circle, a shroud it is that part of us that is pulled and strained to watch over our family, our tribe, for that is what we all are a part of each other.It is not something visibly seen or felt among the tribe, but I do know this much, the power and strength that is put into it is both energetic for us and draining for us, it is a fine line we walk when we step out of ourselves to do something like this. What is it that is causing us to take part of something that has not been done before, only spoken of in whispers over the generations.

We are the gaurdians of many things the keepers of secrets, the holders of truth and lies, we now stand watch over those within, our leaders, our warriors, our women, our children and our slaves. Each is important to the survival of the people.

For without one there can be none and yet as long as one stands we are united and strong.

What beckons in the distance?

Will the tribe flourish or will it become like the whitened bones of the kailla and larls, scattered in the wind and dusted by the sands.